In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
Had to be discovered, uncovered, ruminated on, put down, picked up, knocked around, screwed with, listened to and cried about. Finding me in a search for the answer that has been perplexing me in the simplicity of knowing it was right in front of me, yet totally impossible to see as I continued to beat myself up in any and every way I possibly could find. For no other reason than the most important facts of all: stubborn, bull-headed, determined, non-quitter of anything I put my mind to… I can do somehow, some way, even if it takes years.
I so love myself for being so sure that I would find the answer, even as I commenced the game at the same level, for the umpteenth time in a row.,playing till I completely numbed myself to any feelings at all for success with the game, just so deeply involved with the frustrated tortured sensation in my gut, that spread to my shoulder, to finally find me feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my feet of being stuck in deep, painful, sucking mud. With a demand from the bus yard to attend a last minute meeting with less than 24 hours warning.
Thus stirring the cauldron of all ready seething frustration, and being told when I came in from my morning run… all would be shuttled over “together” in a bus, which meant more of my valuable time to be then tied up riding back when I was just minutes away from home with a client possibly sitting waiting should the meeting run to long.
I picked up the phone, called, explained my position to my boss to be granted permission to drive solo. Sat through the meeting of changes to be implemented next year feeling the growing irritation over my being stifled to move, flow and change at my own speed. The minute it was over I was out the door, drove home to find my house of 24 hours earlier of cleanliness and order… door opened, all the lights on, the computer blaring and only a portion of my youngest son’s chores done.
You got to be kidding… I was so mad, so angry, so seriously hurting everywhere, as I cleaned and organized my horses hay, water and feed. Re-digging the drainage line from the round pen to allow it to finish drying out from the much needed rain, and I felt this tugging at my soul, as I crumbled into a bawling mess begging the Universe/God to Help, Help, Help me!!!
The phone rang and I proceeded to be allowed to vent, rage, talk myself sane with my finest friend as we sifted and sorted through the feelings of such stuckedness we have both been struggling with back and forth these last few weeks. When she uttered the word salvation or surrender… something to do with all of our conversations about religious upbringing, when I felt the word “punishment” roll off of my tongue to cause this immense relief flood through me, as the full answer began to shape itself in my mind with all of the clues from the numerous conversations of the last month or so.
She had just reached her destination and would call me back later to share whatever the other came up with. I found myself in the need for a space of reflection as I pulled up my choice of meditation, took a deep breath and allowed myself to let it all go. Watching in fascination as my mind began to sort and sift the understandings that had so been puzzling me about my attention to detail, my ability to create immediately for others, my ability to feel what others need before they ask. The ability to read people and animals, to connect and communicate with everything and anything for anybody else but me because I follow the rules so well, just beat myself up and sabotage stuff for myself.
I felt the suggestion about “question everything” go drifting across my mind and the realization of all I do to myself when things go wrong suddenly made wonderful sense… I have trained myself to follow the rules, the law, and the statements of others as being factual, set in stone. Just because someone else “said so”. I have repeatedly punished myself for others beliefs having more rights than me.
Suddenly aware of all the times I have broken others rules or laws to come out handsomely, only to berate myself of the unfairness “it might cause” someone if they find out. If I was late, found money, discovered a different answer, or way to do things or any other millions of things I do that are different than was required… yet usually made a better, faster, easier solution. Just seemed to always make someone else feel bad or unhappy because of whatever reason would make them feel right.
I now realize I can make whatever laws or rules I need. There really aren’t any rules that truly apply to me except my own. I have rights, left overs, yes’s and no’s that apply to me…by me only. I can stop punishing myself for this feeling of not enoughness because I know that God is love. Complete unconditional, no rules, no absolutes, everyone is right, everyone is okay, all things are created and covered by the rule of connection. Everything fits and works somewhere, for someone, at some time, and it’s all okay.
The pains just melted, the frustration fizzled. The fear of being found out of doing it anyway that works for me…It’s all good. It all makes sense. We are all in this together because we and everything is made in God’s perfect image. This changing, adapting, improvising, and becoming, makes up our world. All the differences give us color, variety, change, creation, diversity and an assortment to choose from. I choose to love every part of me, anyone, and anything, it’s messy, dirty, clean, varied and it is life. Long live the freedom to choose… my own whatever, whenever, however, or why-ever!
This has been a long week or so of introspection and self-discovery in my having several doors closed (albeit at the time felt like rudely slammed) in my face, though each with a golden window of opportunity to discover my long standing (in my mind) stuckedness (a word my computer still argues about the existence of). And as per usual as is my mode of operation… I would pick the phrase that most quieted the now much smaller voices in my head “everything is just fine, things always work out for me, I know I am being guided” to having what seemed like there is no answers to be found… easily work themselves out.
I diligently continued to live, train, drive and attempt to write out the seemingly simple new possibilities and ideas that would find their way into my trains of thoughts. Though giving me relief for a few hours or until I came to sit down to write which just hours ago seemed like the answer I was in search of. Until I stopped first to check emails, then peruse through Facebook for added confirmation and feel good posts. This would then find me back attempting the same game, befuddled by the lack of commitment to the wondrous ideas of earlier, which still made sense but felt more like just the tip of the probe in getting to the real heart of the issue.
No desire to write, to commit thought to page or even open my writing section. I would just play, sometimes loosing completely, accumulate the points to the first, sometimes second level and still not feel any desire to move. All my motivation seemed stalled, hinging on something so close I could feel it, almost gripping my left arm in a pull from some time long ago, something from somewhere in my past holding on to me, with this tenseness as if I was stepping into real deep, unknown, almost a betrayal of all that I had been taught, schooled and learned. So instead I would play, lose, wandering in my mind, do my driving, all in an almost lack luster fashion, except for…
My riding, the place I go, get lost, can spend hours, alive, vibrant, relishing the horses responding and reacting to me and with me. The constant interchange from my marvelous friends, who keep alive, active and aware in me the constant differences to be found in each moment and with each individual animal as I played, rode and worked with becoming a better partner with them. Especially since this last Monday when I was graced with my third horse in this last year of a completely clean slate, never being saddled, ridden or handled except for the few basics of groundwork another 4 year old, this one an almost 16 hands Gypsy Drum.
Who within the first hour of playing with him, he learned to be saddled, to follow my feel and even allowed me to mount up, on and off several times from both sides. With each day adding a bit more, such as the first few walking steps, then completely around the round pen by Tuesday. Trotting a full circle in both directions, with stops at the shift of my seat, turns from the cues of my knees by Wednesday. Completely disengaging and moving faster or slowing down all with just a halter by Thursday. Ending the week with the owner present on Friday for both in and out of the round pen handling and riding. They were pleased, I was having so very much fun, all aware of this too meant something with these rolling set of unanswered questions to the solutions I could feel all around me, yet not quite put my fingers on.
I had learned the site which got me started in writing out my dreams and ideas was closing. I had the oldest person as of yet to start lessons at age 75 have a blast with her granddaughter at first concerned about this taking on learning about horses, with a cane, and her granny’s other physical limitations. Commenting what she herself had learned and how well her grandmother did in finding new ways to view the use of her cane and her body to have the horse respond safely, comfortably and easily, especially after watching her slower gaited grandmother leading the horse back, with the horse moving just as slowly, listening and respecting my newest student.
So the weekend went with me still kind of comfortably struggling, playing the same game, perusing the internet, with no real defining thought or ideas to direct my inquiring mind causing me to close it out, and open my solitaire games… win one, move to the next, win, and move. After several different types I came upon the one type I could not win so I turned off the computer and went to bed comfortably assured I would find the answer.
Waking up to find my son feeding as I had slept in, got up, made coffee, came in to check my email, to discover the solitaire game still open. I selected a new game and allowed myself to really slow it down, step, by step, finding the feeling of each and every move first. Seeking, finding, feeling, then sensing the thoughts that came together in tiny, small fragments… the pieces I had been searching for, forming in my mind, the answer had so carefully found my way to.
The rules of my life are of my own making. They are my choices. They only apply to me. I can bend them, flex them, use them or change them. I am no longer afraid to look at “others rules” as tools that might be of use for me, now or later… they are not laws that apply to every given circumstance.
Seems I have been stuck in this whirlpool of thoughts handed down to me over the years by so very many well-meaning people of what I “must, should, ought to, have to, and am expected to do” so I will be my best in their idea of the “my world”. My growing up religious teachings, the schools I have attended, the clinics, books, courses, teachers I have amassed, many of them meaning well in their attempts to teach and share what has worked for them. So many trying to make things easier for others in explaining the “rules” (a word to me that means hard, absolute, sovereign) reinforced by the taking away of any certifications awarded if I color outside of their lines.
Horses and in my learning and sharing with others have taught me… everything is unique, different sizes, taste, moves, expressions, and uses, all having their places at some time, in some fashion, apart, but still connected. All things, people, ideas, places, and opportunities fit together as tools to be used, now, later, for fun, work, money, opportunity, to eat, to run, to walk, to play, or to be stored … as we each first find free flowing flexible friendly feelings for our life. Baby steps to movement forward, slowly incrementally increasing our speed as we become comfortable being fully capable, all feeling, thinking, and responding as our total self.
As there is a whole world out there clamoring for my attention, all this information pushing to get me to listen… the thoughts, ideas and opinions helping to shape and guide me in the learning to be true to what feels best for me, first, foremost, and always… in whatever form or fashion is right, perfectly suited and appropriate for me, as me in each and every moment!
I drive for a different school district than my youngest and it seems like years since I have just had a day off with no one around and just allow it to unfold. Wow and actual day off with nothing planned.So I had a great, late, lingering in bed meditation and then wandered in to check my emails, sifted through Facebook, espied “the game” figuring I would just play for five lives.
To find myself an hour and a half later caught up in the conversation going on in my head of how to accrue the needed points to get the third star. Discovering all of these tools I have for manifesting and accomplishing things, being handed to me for me to use, get the feeling of, then discard and move to the next, as fast as I could think. All the while this discussion of ideas and possibilities was going on, I noticed how not totally focused on the task at hand I truly was. I was in a dialogue with my own mind.
Which once I noticed what was going on, I could feel my body relax as if to play along with me getting my own attention all sorted out. So I took a breath and felt my gut for advice… to find this feeling of comfort and ease. My body was allowing me to let go of time, just to be here, on the computer, not really doing anything… just being in the moment. The tension of there being any importance to being anywhere, doing anything, having to accomplish something, or finish the level… all gone, as I discovered the freedom of being with myself in silence… which lasted a lot longer than I was completely aware of as I suddenly found I had done two full rounds, both with in less than500 points of my goal and lives left over.
So I quit and closed it out to go take a shower. To find all of these thoughts and ideas, once again rapidly piecing together in my mind. As I scrubbed off the early morning and I allowed the possibilities to line up in my head. Drying off to grab my camera and snap some quick images that would allow me to show in pictures the ideal description for each chapter of my book. Went to the computer with the card from my camera to download and transfer the marvelously fluid idea into it, but no matter what I did, nothing worked.
It took a full twenty minutes of the slow feeling rise of struggling to catch myself, stop, and focus elsewhere, for my eye to spy the little link thingy with my son’s card still in it. I quickly swapped it out, then fitted it in the correct slot to have the display inform me of the 45 minutes necessary to download all of the photos. I then figured how easily I could now go play with my horses, do some chores and arrange stuff for this evening, as the computer did its thing.
Fascinated with the habit of still attempting to struggle something into place because of the old thought of the time it might take. The time it takes, is the time it takes. Was further demonstrated for me when Freckles, my short horse with the scars of being pushed too hard, to fast, to roughly. Damaged, scared, and fully having had had enough of humans six years ago… walked up to me to be caught, reached his lips out to gently nuzzle my hand for a possible treat and then brought his nose around when asked to either side, just for a soft scratch between his ears. He rode like a little, cocky, I can do whatever you require of me, because I have learned if I freeze in uncertainty of what you are asking… you will slow down and let me figure it out.
I am now doing that for me. Learning to listen for when my mind becomes too full of ideas, possibilities and questions. Slowing it down, shifting its focus, allowing myself to breathe, relax, and find a place of connection between all of the parts of me.
All these pieces and tools, none of them perfect by themselves, none of them working completely alone, none of them the only answer. All of them are parts of the bigger puzzle to who I truly am. All of them worthy, different, real, or imagined… the connective pieces that allow one to be fully alive, learning, discovering, imagining, creating or just living fully in the now. I just love how much easier it all is than I was ever told or imagined. Living fully in the now…totally is amazing!
Last night as I was trying to distract myself again, still stuck on level 14 with those 3000 points just eluding me, I heard this incredible bickering, snippy, aggravating, mean, bitchy, hag inside my head. Admonishing me for each and every move I made, or any person who I espied as choices for friend connections on Face Book.
I heard this voice in my head that was scolding, mean, belittling, annoying, just plain rude, and so uncaring as it presented me with tons of facts from the my past over why I could not, should not or would not ever, ever, fit in or be liked. Even though it took almost an hour or more of playing, loosing, and stubbornly replaying the same level over and over and over, because I knew I was not playing the game so much as I was allowing me to feel for where I was still holding me stuck, still, and frozen.
This was about me… and this constant really, subtle noise in the back of my mind. Which has been there for years, just has become a lot louder and obvious as I cleared out, cleaned up, and sorted through so many of the other layers of beliefs and opinions that no longer work for or serve me. And when I recognized, fully felt, and heard it… the internet froze, I lost connection, allowing me to close the screen and retire to meditate my way through to my dream state and allow the Universe the opportunity to guide me in letting this go.
I drifted off to sleep, waking up late, with a curious dream of lying upside down in a yoga position next to a wall, and selling this man a truck as he sheepishly offered more than I expected or wanted. I began to right myself to make a choice, aroused just enough to sleepily reach for my earphones, turned back on the meditation of change and drift back into the release phase to then wake up feeling comfortably different like I can make conscious decisions of how to respond so much more easily than ever before.
I opened my email allowing myself to be drawn into an ongoing exchange on a horse training site that I frequent, about a young lady making decisions about each of her next steps going forward with this horse she is retraining. In the dialogue exchange she is always very open about what steps she has taken, which resources she has touched upon, and her opinion about how or why she chooses to use or not use a particular source. Always stating her openness to learning the why’s and how’s of others to peruse upon and make more choices as she continues working with this horse.
After reading through the particularly long message digest and copying to my horse info folder any new interesting and possibly useable for later tools of ideas and information. I discovered a newer email just posted from the same sight which included a link to her video of the success of finally connecting up with the horse and having it allow her to lead and touch it.
She had done such a wonderful job, was having so much fun by choosing the tools that worked for her. I just stopped, and sent her a reply of the marvels in her choice of learning, sharing, and the success she now so joyfully had accomplished. With the blessing of continued advancement and achievements in this line of communicating and working with horses she was exhibiting such pleasure in.
I then went on to Face Book, laughing at the humorous postings, re-posting any and all that fit me, or I enjoyed so much I just loved the feeling of sharing them further. Finding two of my friends in that curious state of perplexed confusion of the frustration of having been moving forward to suddenly hit a wall that seemed insurmountable.
I allowed the words to easily roll out from under my fingers of breathing, relaxing,and reminding them of how blessed and deserving they are. God is just helping them to sort out more of what they do want, allowing them to rest, sift through and discard what they don’t. The next step is to relax, realize, consider, and then choose by saying: Thank you, Next… Please! Allowing the Universe to then work its magic of leading them further forward to their dream, minus the unwanted things that moments before they had been holding onto as their only answers.
As I finished all the new fun things on the Face Book page I noticed the voices have been gone, silent, or absent from my immediate presence. So I re-opened my mail site to my emails to find several messages from all of those I had taken the time to acknowledge their wondrous selves, what they had accomplished, and how good it felt to to share in their uniqueness. Which caused this immense quickening within … I have done it. I have gone round the corner to noticing and responding to only the good I notice or see.
I am sharing with others as I open up to truly becoming okay with me. Right here, right now…as I write, play on the computer, enjoying almost each minute of my morning. The bully, skeptic, critic, intolerant, meaning well bitch was not even present. Both of the two times earlier when she started to say something… I stopped, felt around, and chose otherwise. To now find myself almost three hours later, not in a hurry, satisfied and eager for more. I am truly looking forward to the other things I am going to accomplish today. At my own pace, in my own way, from the choice of who I am today. The door to the past of just reacting is closing more and more every day! Sigh…
This has so been the underlying theme of the last few days for me as I am seemingly fine in the simpler task of cleaning, moving, driving, brushing, grooming and extending myself when necessary. Yet there was this decided tiredness that I sort of noticed Sunday after my e-mails and then I visited with friends. It then vanished during the two hour lesson that afternoon. Though it showed up sort of understandably right before bedtime, so I did my stretches, turned on my bed and comfortably dozed off with no lingering unanswered thoughts that needed immediate answers.
Went through my day Monday truly aware of the building heat of the much needed approaching rain, as I tended my chores, before going through my selection of horses starting with Charlie and his return to my riding lineup after re-bandaging his nicely healing wound. Noting how attentive and interested he was in being thoroughly groomed, stretched and introduced to the new patterns, which he easily maneuvered at a walk then trot, with no sign of anything, except his desire to be out doing with me instead of the just being turned out.
Move on to Gidget my little girl, who easily bent, stretched and responded to each cue with a more relaxed being-ness and ease of participation in the smaller circles and bends where I explored my ability to communicate less and less with the reins and bosal. As I continued the dance of ask, respond, ears are where? Ah, there… I received the tip of it extended back to me waiting for the next cue of any leg muscle and her quick reaction to my thoughts as we slowly progressed from a little tension in her to a softness that matched my tempo. Be it fast, slow, forward, back or sideways as we maneuvered through patches of weeds and brush and I felt the sigh of recognition that she is in tune, comfortable and listening to what I ask for.
I move from her to the little horse Freckles to find all of the same steps slowly becoming easier for him as well. Though mentally noting the few stuck places of him trying to rush to what he thought I was going to ask, till he found the comfort of just patient response always guiding and assisting him back to easy, slow…okay steps.
Finding myself with my big horse Revolver, still aware of the tenseness that begins after grooming should anyone begin any steps toward saddling, as I am on heighten awareness of the signs I have to have been missing. I add the blankets one at a time, noting his breathing, eye contact, and body stance. Then the saddle, still paying attention, knowing I am on the right track when I feel his head look away, to be quickly followed by his body starting to curve with his belly toward me, which I address when I notice he tips his ear away first. I moved my hand forward to adjust his lead rope and I am surprised to watch his eyes lock on my hand the minute it moves to proceed up past his jaw toward the bar where he is tied.
I marvel at this movement I have made hundreds of times before, which has him in a total look of discomfort and extreme panic. So for the next thirty minutes I work with nothing except the movement of my hand from my side to forward toward the rope. Incrementally waiting each time till he changes his perception of what will happen. To finally manage to cause a relaxed, comfortable horse with an old fear, now thoroughly dissected and reconstructed, allowing me to finish and have a great ride.
Monday evening then found me browsing on the computer and I went from the high of a deconstructed old problem, to the blasted much more obvious tiredness. Which found me again yesterday, moments after I finished unloading hay, feed, making the rounds, grooming, doctoring and just too exhausted to continue, acknowledging the intense heat of the approaching front and my not taking a day off from horses. Suddenly aware of feeling like I was doing way too much again, what was it I enjoyed so much about this if I was now so incredibly tired?
I went and drove, came in fixed supper, ate, and tried to read, write or just play on the computer. Even taking the time to browse the want ads, maybe a new job or another way to view mine, my life, my goals, my whatever’s. No way, I was all give out, so I stretched, said goodnight to my youngest and went to sleep with full intention of figuring this reoccurring tiredness out. As I dozed off I found myself in this half waking dream of things being decided for me by others in the first part in small stuffed uncomfortable places, and then this luxurious huge, comfortable, round bed, with thick, warm, fuzzy blankets in front of huge, perfectly laid out round stone fireplace, all of these wonderful people working and caring with me together as a team, and I dozed soundly off.
This morning I knew what was going on as I opened my emails and found the perfect letter of confirmation. Which I laughed at the title as I opened it and allowed the first sentence to register inside of me. Feeling the power of no, not now, not tomorrow, not even… I scrolled down the page and found the unsubscribe button clicked on it, followed it up with their desire to know why stating “It’s Uncomfortable” then closed the tab and deleted the email, as I felt this huge weight of indecision lift off of me.
To then have the most incredible, fun lesson with my client as I helped her to find the right feeling decisions for her and her horse on any and every question she asked or that presented itself to be worked through. As we laughed, breathed, and relaxed, several times showing her possibilities and then getting out of the way, watching, listening and encouraging whenever she got stuck and asked for help. Or when things were beginning to re-escalate and a quick reminder or my body movement from the right spot on the go, caused the two to blend and her to feel the comfort and ease. Compared to her trying to think it through. She was experiencing the feeling, the comfortable movement of connection allowing big sighs from both as they relaxed into just being a team.
The tiredness stemming from my discomfort over allowing another’s opinion to shake my ideas of believing what I desire is possible my way. My uncertainty rising to the forefront over the credentials of others with more expertise, verses my gut instinct. My body is tired of me not trusting fully in the wondrous, intelligence that resides with-in me to easily guide me on the right path for me. By truly trusting the two simple feelings: It’s either comfortable or uncomfortable. I know this is so easy, but I still have a slight scrambled bit of that old engine running about listening to others with the distinction being between their ideas/possibilities/probabilities and their opinions/shoulds/rigid/definite. I love the freedom to add stuff to my toolbox, when and how I decide it feels and fits comfortably for me!
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!
Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.
Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.
Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.
To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”
So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…
It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.
My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.
My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.
Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.
Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.
My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.
These last few times of frustration and tiredness I knew were trying to get me to let go, back off, and take a break so that the bigger picture could reveal itself to me, over what felt like a battle of the wills. As I would walk out to find the chores done haphazardly, hurriedly, and in no way the image I desire for my perspective new and present clients to find whenever they come down to the horse pens.
Though I have become highly appreciative at how easy and fast the re-doing or putting away the items left out has become. As I have consistently paid attention to my son’s complaints and noticed any time I spot some step that could be accomplished in a different fashion with better tools, different placement of hoses, racks, doors and even changing the type of latches to make things easier to do if one’s hands are full.
It’s just yesterday I so suspected the much needed rain is about to be here and from past experience know that dry waste material is easier to maneuver and move. So I decided with my current amount of horses to ride down to just 3, figured I could clean, fix, and re-do all the stalls with my extra time. Finding myself comfortably cleaning, enjoying the slow, rhythmic pace of shifting through the shavings, raking down the high spots as allowed myself to enjoy the quiet time of just me, connecting with the peace I find in doing these few simple cleaning chores.
Fascinated as I caught myself humming an old country tune by Bill Anderson about having love on the tip of his fingers, when suddenly I saw this movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to figure it out. I was amazed at the picture that was laid out before me of all the pens now neat and in order. All of the empty stalls with clean buckets, freshly hung hay bags and nice clean ground awaiting the next horses and my own horse pens with fresh shavings raked out in a nice soft layer waiting for their occupants return. I saw the reason this lesson kept aggravating me almost too full frustration every day, even after all of the effort I have put into making it easier for anyone having these chores to do.
The whole message I had been trying to get myself to notice with all this discussion over cleanliness and perspective of clients first impressions. Wasn’t about him doing it right, it was me trying to get me to see how much I, like everybody else, need a fresh start, a clean slate, a new place to begin any and every day. Life is so much easier not carrying around all of the baggage from the day before, much less if we are lugging years of old laundry, images, memories and trash from our past.
A thousand different thoughts flashed through my mind of people I have known before that I have yet to allow them to have changed to become someone different, better, kinder, or realer than when we last met. There is so much stuff I have hung onto about me and how I might be perceived from someone else because of some incident 30 or 40 years ago. Thinking how much I have been taught to judge how I utilize each minute of the day by the value of my time if I do it wrong to some standard that I have to live up to.
So imagine the freedom I have now found in liberating myself and all others from my storehouse of back then to now. Like when I explained to my son how going to school is about learning how to think. Not memorizing facts and regurgitating them back. The letting him and myself off the hook for something not done right yesterday… it always has worked out before, I just couldn’t see it because of the blinders of being taught what to expect or look for so I will know I am doing things right… For Who?
Added to this was my morning discovery of the loss of my dictionary, which I queried my son about. Who came back with a quick retort of “Mom the dictionary??? You are right there” he said with a silly grin. I found the humor in now having no dictionary to look up every word to make sure I was using it the right way, spelling it in just the right fashion. No set of rules to bind me from being free to more easily express myself.
As I thought about how for years when I saw buzzards my first thought was death, something has died and there’s Universe’s sign. Compared to my realization of how free flying they are, as they soar in finding each wind current. Being lifted up to flow with the air, not because they have to fly to find food, having to scan each and every inch of earth. The flight is their thing to rise up, soar, majestically following the currents. They trust and know what they need is provided, they sense and feel when there is something that catches their glance, to zero in on, alight, take part in a meal. Life is that way when we allow it to guide us as we enjoy the living and breathing all the wonders it has for us fully in. As we explore how we view it, live it and become fully all of us living it. Alive, creating, experiencing, being!
Seems like the gel time in my thoughts from the start of this blog in my mind almost a week ago, kind of got stuck in that funny stage of… no not yet, almost there, oops, no this other one first, then another, till finally a little while ago I felt the center of the pool of goo that has been slowly trying to set, and voila… now it flows easily out onto the page. I am giving myself permission to be okay with this too.
I have had these ever increasing bouts of tiredness and occasional pains as I was trying to come to a comfortable medium with me over what all of these symptoms from within my body, has been trying to communicate with me. Especially since each of the various aches or sensations I could easily figure out on their own.
Such as: first one of my horses shows up a little lame on the right, then a second horse gashes open his left foot, till finally I get myself stepped upon and bruised all the way from my ankle to heel. To then be blatantly asked after I have been working all day, then bruised, aching and hurt… “Mom, what are you fixing for supper?”
I then knew that I was allowing others to walk all over me if I was fully engaged in something else and then stopped to tend to their request. Even in as simple a way as stopping to answer a question, or pointing out an obvious answer that I knew they knew better than come ask me.
The other aches and pains usually followed the path of my not seeing another as capable as they could be to finish some chore or task completely. It seemed such a pain for them to try to do it better than expected. Same as the suddenly feeling extremely tired, over exhausted, just wanting to crawl deep under the covers and sleep the nagging feeling off. Till I realized it was just my body trying to get me to see the round cage I had trapped myself in, of doing certain things the same way, seeing the same answer, and struggling with the exact same results. To being so worn out, I wasn’t looking up to see there was no real top on the cage. There were rails on the side walls that at any time I could have climbed up, over and out. Except for I was having this huge dilemma of not seeing there was such an easy tool I could utilize, untill I had the last three days of lessons.
Where in each of my students would get to a certain place of frustration, trying too hard, and so good at beating themselves up for things not working out at home. Though they were telling me of the things that were getting easier, I could see so much progress and hear so much of the joy as they would discuss the fun of enjoying the changes that they were experiencing. With my ever present attention to the way they were handling the horse as they were telling about the issue they could not find an answer to. As I watched their body language showing how they were stuck, the answer they needed usually as simple as how they were holding the reins, the rope or their body. They were stuck by perfectly mimicking the exact moves they had been shown or taught.
And it struck me that once again the answer they needed was the exact one I had been searching for…
The permission to try something, anything and everything different, than what had been taught or shown them. By getting creative, shorten the rope, sit taller, slump, turn sooner, later, move the objects, discover if there was glue on their fingers holding the reins to their skin. By getting them first aware, then laughing, then to have them play with the tools they had, look around to see what could be moved, or rearranged. Watch the horse, play with how they were standing, or the aura they were projecting.
Mostly just giving themselves permission to have fun with this, even if there was a possibility I might write about it. I am good about keeping who secret, being way to aware this is just as much about me, as it is about them. Because I know we are all mirrors to each other of what is going on in our lives. And this giving one’s self permission, is truly an important thing. As I realize now how most of my life, if I was given a list for another, I would accomplish it all.
Of course I would, if it kept someone else happy, I was not in the limelight, main spotlight, could not be nailed for whatever was wrong. Plus it explains why I have been so lifelong patiently waiting for my turn. I had been “it”, chief player in the who was to blame.
But no more… I now give myself full permission to play. To be first, to have it my way, to love, smile, laugh, cause joy, spread craziness, just muck around if I want to. I can now choose it all or none, a little or a lot. I give myself full permission to come out and be me… No Matter What! And it feels fantastic… waiting really does have a sweet pay off!