Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.
Awakening this morning to do my meditation I discovered my body refused to cooperate. As it kept up this constant barrage of physical sensations until I stopped trying what I was mentally attempting to do for mediation and asked my body to show me. Let me know what it would prefer as I hastily re-adjusted the pillow for a flatter one. Suddenly finding this memory flood my mind about how warm my therapist’s hands would get when she was doing massage and body manipulations during my sessions.
I then took and placed my palms together; rubbing them until they felt warm and I could gently separate them to feel the flow of energy between them, followed with the immediate thought to place my hands upon my face. Suddenly finding as I did this, there was this soft glow of white light between them that slowly covered my face and then encompassed the rest of me. To find as I lay there enjoying the warmth and the light how much of my world is communicated to me through so very many of my senses. My thoughts suddenly revealing that what is taught even in meditation is not always accomplished the same way for everyone. The awareness of the difference between each and every one of us, once more on my plate for me to contemplate as I came aware and awakened for my day.
When I stepped into the bathroom I discovered the message I had been awakened to in the middle of the night, scrawled in big red letters across my mirror “skin is supposed to be touched”. Knowing full well the dream that had awakened me to all of the beliefs that are taught on how to delicately and carefully protect and take care of our skin. Fully aware of the horses I brush and how if I use light soft strokes, to just brush though the hair or pat them on the skin, they swish their tails and pin their ears as I am just more of an aggravation than a welcoming. Though when I reach in to find their muscles, truly manipulating the blood and the skin into warm, inviting strokes to stimulate the flow of energy through all the hair, tissues, and skin, I find them leaning back into me to position their bodies so that I do not miss a truly needy spot.
The phone rings bringing me from my thoughts. It is my friend who had called me earlier about her horse who had been still so lethargic, uncomfortable and running a slight fever, after spending the day before at the vet then sent home because she was fine there after the last few days of this on and off symptoms of worry, discomfort and fever. She was thanking me as the mare was doing so much better today. After I had driven over to her place last night for our conversation as I was checking her horse. When I began questioning what had changed or happen in her personal life in the same time frame that the horse had begun showing all of these symptoms.
On Monday with the start of the New Year after the holidays all were in high hopes over this new semester, when everyone in their office discovered what had become of all the promises made at the end of last year. Nope, they were still stuck with non-compliance, no one with any real interested in changing, helping out or any signs of care or concern with the programs they had all been expecting to get off the ground. The frustration, the feeling stuck and having to stuff their feelings, aggravation and the lethargic reactions from administration. All matching perfectly with her horse’s behavior and symptoms as I began to match the dots for her. I just asked her what she truly desired with her life. This began to come out in bits in pieces though she kept trying to distract me back to her worrying about if she was doing the enough of the right things for her horse.
Finally she began to open up about herself. Her dreams, her ambitions, and this long schedule of putting it all on hold for 4 more years…because of saving enough money, promises to relatives, waiting for retirement, etc. etc. And I dropped the bomb on her when I asked “What if someone was to come along and offer you the funds, the job, the circumstances for all this to happen right now. Would you take the job?” She looked at me like had I lost my mind… “Of course I would!” So I said: call back the waitress with your last order and put in that order to God instead, and let him figure it all out.
There was this audible sigh from the horse, and from her. She got the thermometer and rechecked her horse…the temperature had dropped back to normal, she looked at me. “This is crazy, I knew I needed to call you a week or so ago, but I didn’t want to bother you…”
I told her “Same here, as I had thought about her, just didn’t trust my thought”. We are taught what to do from the time we are very small. I am this morning truly aware of several of these rules: Don’t touch, don’t do it that way, don’t ask for help, don’t do it unless you have permission, don’t expect it to be easy, etc., etc, etc. and my favorite one of all “Don’t Ask Why, because someone else said so!”
I keep listening and feeling for my almost every thought now. I have discovered there is so much more to me and my connection to life than just the breath I breathe. My feelings come from the over a million cells that make up my body. They are now allowed to have full rein in my ability to have an incredible life by choosing with all of me what it is I truly desire for me. When I ask, listen, feel and go within to find some part of me will confirm if I am living for me, as me, with me… or for something or someone on the outside.
Best part of all as I assist another to figure out what “their” desire/dream truly is from underneath the litany of rules, beliefs and opinions of others. I feel my bliss in knowing that what I sense in another who comes to me wanting change and seeking answers. It always comes down to listening to what a person is saying that is preventing them from trusting their own unique signature and styles of life as I help them in finding who they truly desire to become, always mirrored in the stories they tell.
I have been cleaning out the last residues of a very big secret that was buried so deep underneath my years of living here on earth. It was buried underneath the tons of information so wonderfully shared, pushed, shoved, discovered, unearthed and finally found within myself now that I am choosing to trust the voice within me. This voice which for years being this interesting ringing like static in my right ear some would diagnose as tinnitus; described in several self- help books as occurring when one refuses or is trained away from listening to one’s inner voice. Information I found years after I had learned to pay attention any time it became louder, almost insistent as I was about to be guided toward my next step forward with information to guide me along my path.
And this morning it did exactly that with leading me to trust what I noticed out of the corner of my eye, which then led to follow the nudge to truly look at whatever was in front of me, andI needed to do it right now. Finding me standing in front of my son’s bathroom after I noted he had left his bathroom light on before leaving for school this morning and I walked over to just turn it off. I saw the few items on the floor, the accumulation of sand, and the rugs slightly a skew… all of which could easily be straightened for the guest later in the day. So I went back and got the broom and dust pan, grabbed the rugs to shake off the dirt and almost lost my footing as one rugs was stuck solidly to the floor.
I finally pulled it up, leaving part of the rubber matting stuck on the linoleum. To find myself for the next 20 minutes or so cleaning off both the residue from the floor and the rest of his small bathroom, this being physically busy allowed my last few weeks of thoughts to just filter through my brain. The thoughts about all of what I have learned, where it came from, how I have been taught to respond and what I have since learned about keeping only what is actually true for me.
I suddenly spied and really saw my son’s hairbrush as it lay there on the floor with twisted bristles, truly dysfunctional for a normal persons head of hair, much less his lion’s mane and now finding understanding in why he had borrowed mine yesterday morning without asking.
I became aware then of how much he does without asking first as I continued to scrub and clean. To find the next thought of how many things I have done in my life because I was constantly being told what to do, how to do it because of what the rules and consequences were. All of this done out of fear of being in trouble, to fit in, be first, etc. etc. that I complied with… most of the time.
The ringing in my ears became LOUDER with the next realization of how I had trapped my own kids in the same way with the fear of them not being successful by my society’s standards. For they have been in school since they were 4 to get a head start on being smarter. Being taught how to behave, what to do, how to respond, and all of the other criteria of right and wrong being drilled into them for them to be the best at somebody else’s idea of what is or would be their chosen profession for them to “fit in”.
I suddenly heard my inner self, showing me what the horses and my various students over the years have been trying to get me to listen, see, experience and realize. We are not born afraid, we are pure love, we are smart, we are always learning. We learn the moment we arrive as we learn to change and breathe in air after coming from a womb of water. We arrive here smart enough to desire experiencing life. We touch, taste, hear, feel, and breathe in our surroundings.
Babies of all kinds grow up with what they experience. If it feels good, do more. Because it is different, explore. If it hurts, or is difficult find a way around it. They do not know fear. They observe, explore, and learn by their understanding of the feedback from the world around them.
The first thing any of them usually experience is some form of communication from outside the womb, which leads them to want to explore more of the wonderful feeling things and discover what feels the right for them. Yet in my realization this morning it dawned on me the box of who another expects us to be… the expectation of fitting us in to someone else’s prescription of our life.
And many of us like me, struggle with this dilemma because of the deeper calling from inside to trust ourselves. Following this desire that seems to run so completely away from the rules, guidelines and ideas of those who we live with.
We desire the love we know is out there… somewhere… Because before we came here, we knew and experienced it by being part of it. The pure unconditional love and acceptance of the creative fabric of the Universe, a part of God, brought here in his/her image to expand and experience this world into the wonders of change, growth and awareness that breathes life inside of us as our dreams and desires are realized.
We came here to be our own unique, individualized, amazing, creative, wonderful image of source. To hopefully share and uplift each other as we discover and become amazing Imaganeers, ever expanding to enjoy our exploration and contributing to this world!
This is my understanding of the last 7 years of searching every corner of my world… for me. With some incredible ups and downs to finally arrive at a place today I have been awakened to many times in my life. Some awakenings were extremely abrupt, painful, and physical. Other times the blows were just huge emotional disasters… all of those were attached to my personal worth/value which at first seemed tied to my finances, business, or family. Where always I would get to some place emotionally where the only place left to turn was inside…after I tried all of the rest of the ideas, plans and information that was present at the time to fix what was wrong.
Thankfully I would get worn down, tired and finally go with in. I would have some truly incredible awakenings, all of them now in looking back, always pointing to the same answer from several totally different views of the exact same answer of “unconditional love”. Which then I would try and continue to live and feel what I had learned.
I would get going again, then right back to the bottom to start over. Search, struggle, read, work, sweat, change, always wonderfully helping so very many others, but still sensing there was more to this, as I would then get glimpses of my deepest desire… and off I would go running after it and not taking the time to check in with my inner being.
The last few weeks have been this incredible journey in trusting my inner self. Which through the teachings of Neville, TUT, Abraham, and a whole slew of others, coming at me from so many directions faster than I could ask the next question in my search to know the truth about me and life.
Wonderfully aware of the many signs, symbols, and indications from the Universe that God was still directing me. I would just get so caught up in trying to do “it” (whatever the current flavor of teachings that was on my plate) that I would stop the conversations with myself. Floundering along, solidly studying, listening, and working at getting this new thing right, perfect, and polished, only then to fail to feel truly okay.
I was great at being a detail artist, a photo copier; an actress playing the part to make everybody happy, as I gave the right answers to see that others were taken care of and that they felt okay, too. Then I read a sentence on a page that caused me to pause, igniting the ember that still glowed inside. Today a post that caused the flicker of a flame that lapped at my heart, asking “are you listening?” I stayed with it, going slowly, feeling for the next question to ask, which “Okay God, now what?”
Another piece of information, slowly savored, then carefully asked “And… God? ” Till question by question, answer by answer… I found what I have been searching for “being honest to and with myself over what it is “I” truly desire” and the answer shocked me. Because I have been writing to myself for years, just in my sharing what I have written with others, I have allowed the comparison of another’s response to my sharing, to cause me to edit me to fit in.
This whole problem of manifesting my desires has all been sidetracked by my not staying honest and true to me. In a nutshell its these words I found just an hour or so ago:
Manifest Your Destiny
Know the condition between manifesting your heart’s desire and unconditional love. Unconditional love is the energy of the universe; it is what God is, and, therefore, what you are as well. Without your connection to this love, you lose your connection to the creative process.
You cannot attract to yourself that which you are already connected to if you short-circuited the connection. The presence of unconditional love is in all things that you wish to attract as well as in you. Keep it honest, and you keep your ability to know that ye are a god. Lose it, and you lose your godliness. It is that simple.
Remind yourself of this when you ask why your desires aren’t showing up in your life. The answer will invariably have something to do with an absence of unconditional love some place in your inner world.
A while ago I found a poem I wrote 7 years ago this month that I stopped when driving down the road to write it down. Instead of letting it guide me by letting me know what I desired was coming to me. I proceeded to go out and make the words fit each and every circumstance that looked like a possibility…Never, ever, ever, listening to the words I was saying to myself in my mind: “I can do this. I can work with this. This is okay, its close!”
I had gotten incredibly good at being anything and everything but “Honest With and Listening to Myself!” I had learned to do what I was told it was supposed to take to be me, by listening to everyone else but me! God made me in his image…of me!
Lesson learned when you desire something, really flesh it out…with yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. Then allow the Universe, God, or Divine Providence to guide you to allowing it to show up. Should an idea come to you that it is so strong that wild horses couldn’t stop you… Go for it! If you get just an urge, write it down. Trust yourself, for you are the only inhabitant of your body. Talk to yourself and listen to the conversations you have with yourself… ALL OF THEM! Start changing the ones that don’t feel good, improve the others and keep the rest! Feel crazy doing it…then don’t tell anyone till after the desire comes true! I Am only me and I Am Amazing!!
These are my morning thoughts that came together for me after I opened up FB to the first thing I saw after all of my reading, realizations, conclusions, and imaginings from the last four months of 2013. To a post from someone in one of my groups where they ask about “naming one’s Higher Self Wanna Share yours , go on I dare ya Mines’s always been Huey, my daughter thinks I am disrespectful to God but how can I be, He and I Are bonded baby, as One and where did I get my sense of humor from but from The One, what’s his is mine . Ok thats all folks ” which I then realize about how I used to talk to mine/myself, all the time until last August when finding out about how to utilize imagination from the works of Neville Goddard. For in all of this contemplating and absorbing of this Neville theorized information in the last few months, I suddenly realized that every time I find any new interesting or profound information… I stop talking, listening, and paying attention to my own inner guidance.
Then I suddenly remembered that I distinctly talked to mine before meeting the cowboy and his daughter Friday on my trip down to the nearby arena. Which coincides perfectly with my recent asking and finding, studying and going through all of Neville’s talks listed in order and finding the pieces/peace in me. Where I had asked myself/God in me…”Where is all of this leading? What is it I need to know? & How can I help or assist another?”
Especially since earlier this morning I looked up Neville’s Wikipedia information (which has to be considered in who has updated their take on him most recently) to become aware of where his line of thoughts, the way and time line they changed/evolved to then “know” that the habitual stumbling blocks for me are
- In teaching others how to ride, I have observed when we think, we stop breathing and feeling. When we know something, we just do it; it is now our new nature of habit. Otherwise we think, think, & think, muddying up our own thoughts, getting all tangled up in the process of understanding from another’s perspective. Which we will never entirely be able to see from their same standpoint, because we are not exactly like them.
- We as human’s have been bombarded with in our learning that we “have to” learn how to do something “the right way” (verses feeling the right way for us). A great example comes to mind: If I bite into something that is (unbeknownst to me) hot, nasty or incredibly out of my idea of what I expected it to taste like. I spit it out first, then try to figure it out at the same time I am usually trying to wash out my mouth for a feeling of relief. Instead of holding it in my mouth, and thinking what is this incredibly bad tasting thing that I am eating.
In sharing my name for my higher being I stated the following “Mine’s name is God…but not like the worshiping from afar. He is my best friend and I have been talking to him for years, but until I read this post… I never thought about a “name” for him (since his energy represents my male energy) I just talk to him, confide in him, love him as I know he does me… then I thanked the poster for allowing my friendship with him to be seen in a whole new amazing way… I so love when I can clear up my viewing place!!!”
Putting the entire scenario of this new realization into use by replacing my old habit of thinking if someone knows more than me, then I must need to study and catch up. With the choices of Neville’s line of thought of just imagine I am already accomplished at having figured it out, or I can read to feel for the comparison if the new line of thought coincides with where I am at in my understanding of does this feel true for me. Finding that I am now reading Neville’s works in order of his evolving, instead of the just reading the book I was told would explain it all to me if “I studied and studied it like the presenter had”.
All of this experience has given me back both my ability, desire and right to talk to myself, listen and trust my feeling of “I am always able to know the right things for me at any moment” when I take the time to feel if it is good… go ahead. If it causes me the least little doubt… check it out, go slowly, feel for the parts that resonate with me and ditch the rest. If it feels bad…”DUH” walk away, saying thanks, but No Thanks! This last learning experience has been so much freaking easier than I ever was led to believe and definitely not at all in the direction I originally expected of some kind of amazing, magical secret to change my life. Just the solidifying of knowing and trusting in myself, my inner guidance… to give up all of the buts, what if’s and just turn within… to always feel, think, know and believe in my own ability for the right answers for me!!
I stopped writing and sharing in my blog back in September when I shared my about to be third book with a person who was troubled and asked for some advice. I had hoped in sharing the almost finished book with her to assist her in finding the answers I could so sense she was in need of. To then find out a few days later after she contacted me back. That she was a publicist and in her reading of my book, how much she had forgotten what is was like to clean up, change, and fix someone else’s errors. As she was now putting on her glasses, her editor’s cap, remembering all of the steps required into changing my many mistakes, to make a decent book out of my sharing.
I froze. I backed up. I stared at the screen that seemed to glare at me for my audacity in thinking I might know anything at all about being an author, coach, or teacher. I had this expert who was telling me how much I still needed to learn to even come close to submitting a piece, much less a book. Who did I think I was?
I took a deep breath, buried the book in my files, and walked away… to figure this out, this deep, gnawing feeling of loss. Where was it coming from, how could it have been so easy to feel like I needed to write, to share, to put in words the wonders that my every day with people, animals, and nature constantly thriving to guide and lead us to the next marvelous minute.
I read, studied, dug, re-read, and discovered old ideas, now seen through the eyes of hunger for an understanding to this incredible deep hole I felt of emptiness I could not fill. As I listened to many of the current and old speakers about the secret to life, to joy, to happiness, to whatever it is so many of us are constantly running after or searching for.
To finally find in the last few days, the only thing I have ever needed, longed for, or desired is the love, understanding to trust and fully listen to the God in me. For I am the one I look at when I peer in the mirror. I know who I desire and dream of being. I have taken this so far as to proclaim it by writing on my mirror in big bold permanent marker “I Love ME! I Am Worthy!”
Then realizing I needed to change to how I feel I know I am supposed to look. I took out the scissors and proceeded to spend the next few hours trimming, curling, re-wetting, and trimming my hair till I knew it was me. I took this picture the next day. Totally please with my ability to be me, exactly as I choose to be.
Refusing in the last ten days to do anything that comes just from my head as a thought to do, until I first check with my gut, and if I “feel” it is something that I truly would like or is the thing to do… I proceed. Otherwise I have actually learned the beauty in recognizing I have the ability and the right to trust in me to do nothing. Because all of my body really does work better together, now that I have learned to listen, feel, and sense my way around.
As I have discovered there is a whole, wide world of extremely fast talking, fast selling, fast moving things, that will drag, run over, or push me into doing things that I know better than and have no true desire to do. Because I was taught to react, respond, obey. For others knew better than me, what was good for me in their eyes, to have life the way they were taught it was supposed to be.
For me these last few days in being with the horses and my latest student who is taking a solid week of lessons to understand all of the ideas, suggestions, stories, and information available in the world for dealing with her new horse. Her biggest desire is to be a really good rider and owner. Her horse has problems from his previous owners, from being spoiled, mishandled, and allowed to call all of the shots, because he learned how to outmaneuver others with his body by living (like all animals do) completely in the now. Which in layman’s terms translates into being so tuned into each second, he finds and manipulates another into the false sense of security of he might be listening to the rider. To feel the attention drift, a hand, leg, the smallest hole of a muscle out of place, I can turn around right “now” and quit, to take control of the direction and speed one is going.
I teach about leadership. I coach others how to fish for the rest of their lives. I do this best by asking questions, allowing one to find their own answers. Constantly thinking, feeling, reacting and being open to changing all of the minute steps in learning a new move, until I see the light go on, the movement asked getting and maintaining the expected response. The glow on the student’s face as the confidence builds in finding the ability to just think, but know and feel at the same time. For the dance of parry, thrust, ask, give, respond…reward. Satisfaction in making the dots connect between rider and horse.
The very steps I have learned are so vital to mine and so many others I meet. To know, without any wavering doubt or second thoughts, that what I am feeling, thinking, and doing “right this minute” is exactly perfect for me, as me… because I am worthy to live my life with my very own unique signature and style. I owe nobody an explanation, it is all an inside job that I have to live with. In me, as me, for me!!!
They do not limit themselves to just what is around their ant mound. There is always a few of them out scouting for food. They consume anything that their senses lead them to. There is no thought of we have to just eat grain or bugs, and we have to stay in our area. When they become aware of anything that sets their sensory perceptions to alert mode, and it’s edible, they are on it.
No matter the distance, height, breadth, type of terrain, or obstacles in between. The next thing one notices is a stream of their little bodies, across the ground, on inclines, and around corners as each ant becomes a link in taking all of the discovered treasure of food, back to their mound, one step, one ant, one piece at a time. The new find is broken down into smaller, more maneuverable parts, until every single scrap is accounted for back at their home base.
This day finding me engrossed in several different busy species of ants scurrying about right before the long awaited rain finally made its appearance this afternoon. Fascinated with how easily they find their way with just the tiniest indication from source to the abundance provided for them to live. As I watched the trail of fire ants up the slab, across the floor, up the plastic trash can, over the piece of string not pushed all the way in. Onto the edge of the lid, the other end was touching, and into the bowl of cat food sitting on top for the few pieces of food left from earlier this morning’s feeding.
For the last several days I have espied them in the house. Coming in at where would seem the tiniest cracks. To have a trail sometimes as long as twenty feet inside the house just for the one or two scraps of food my youngest tends to push under something instead of picking it up. Finding in my years of observation of even these tiny creatures I can tell what the weather is about to do. They start this huge in the house invasion when it is extremely dry, usually right before rain is imminent and about to come in large amounts. Both of those two requirements fulfilled today as I was in the house sorting the amazing insight I had received over so many things we ask for, are right underneath our noses.
Sometimes sitting in plain sight is every bit of abundance we seek; we have just closed ourselves off to it from the rules, opinions or ideas of others. Who tell us no, not now, not possible, it can’t be done, or you need permission to see or be that way. Read the rule book, memorize all your told, march this way, fill out the paper work, wait till your told, watch as another tells you what to think and when. All after my morning of discovery of mistakenly not checking in and asking others first, to then be caught up in the old guilt of this does not fit into anybody else’s plans for what I should be doing for them.
I got inspired; there was this title that came to me, a story which just flowed out onto the pages. I wrote, I followed my dream, trusted my gut, finished, made the cover, and published my second book. I just forgot to ask permission, to check the calendar, find out if this was okay with anyone else’s ideas of me for them. The sudden unexpected guilt lingering till I got to ride my last two horses, amazed at how much information about myself and how different life is when one lives in the moment like animals do.
The simplicity to follow an urge, check in with the senses, pay attention to right now, without a long to do’s list. Hungry, eat, need exercise, move, and have an itch scratch it. Scurry off track, feel an impulse, follow it to find something of interest, to then bring the word of the new discovery, or possibility to the group, where they all pitch in to celebrate and share.
I watched Freckles today as I once again; kept finding smaller and smaller steps to get through our remaining communication differences. Still in fascination of how taking the time to pay attention to what I sense and feel, is causing him to change, to look, and to be with me. This once wildly terrified animal now learning to trust that I am listening to him. I am watching, feeling for every little try of understanding. Always aware that if I try to think or put him on a time table, I will set us both back in our learning to cooperate and work together.
Proof positive when I went out to take pictures after the rain and the horses wandered up to see what I was doing. Where in the past Freckles would have stayed in the back, out of reach behind the other horses. I not only got to scratch him as he stood there, but had to shoe him back as I was trying to take his picture with his nose angled up trying to figure out the camera in my hand, now just as curious as the rest of my small herd. The joy is in each moment. We are provided for, when we trust, believe and know we are always guided to what is best for us. I am still allowing myself to learn to observe, feel and find what is best for me… I matter!
And the link to my newest book:
These last few weeks have found me deep in thought as I have been working through the seeming complexities of my son’s horse Freckles, writing and publishing my first book on line. All of these things are so amazingly similar and easy to understand as I now find myself on the other side of the one of the biggest puzzles of life. As I remember the wonderful, soft, attentive ride from a little while ago on a horse that I have done everything I could think of or was suggested that sounded right to me from others, with some small steady inroads into his behavior. Just never enough to get him to be safe for me much less anyone else because of his extreme responsive and explosive reactions to any and all stimuli, so deeply ingrained into almost every moment of existence.
Two days ago I woke up from an interesting dream about zombies, after watching one of the ads I saw on FB about some child asking their mom if whatever the product was would work on zombies. Finding myself while in the dream aware of these for rent horses at some stable and how much they act like zombies. By just going through the motions unless something truly gets their attention in a startling way where they tend to react to get away far enough to look at what woke them from their absentminded sleep of following the horse in front of them.
Puzzled at what my inner voice was trying to communicate to me. I found myself in a deeper place of awareness with any and all moves I or any of the horses made toward each other. To suddenly find myself watching how intently Freckles was trained on my every movement. He was literally locked into a trance of habitually reacting with even the slightest stiff, hesitant movement of my body when I stepped into his zombie zone. A place characterized by habitual without thought response to an ongoing situation one deal’s with in their lives with the defeated expectation of the same reaction they have always gotten before.
I touched, I watched, I made my actions smaller, I breathed as I watched his eye come unfrozen, then he would retreat back deep inside as his eye darted back away from the impending doom. I was so fascinated that a memory from over seven years ago with all of the time I have spent with him, could still be so deeply controlling so many of his reactions. His sense of loss of comfort and safety when even loosely tied was still traumatizing him.
I spent well over two hours slowly, carefully, untangling all of the cross wiring I had excess to, as I became aware of my total effort of watching, breathing, shifting, and rewarding without taking my concentration off of him, right here and right now. To find a much softer horse who after much yawning reached over, licking my hand, and actually touching me first.
I then unsaddled him, washed him off and turned him loose. Fully determined to finish the steps in self-publishing my first book “Finding the Feel” Tales of Learning How to Communicate with Horses at Smashwords.com where I had to pay attention to every little step, every little detail so that it was done right the first time, where then I could relax, take a break and celebrate my success of putting all the pieces together of something I have been intending to do for quite some time. All the while, even as I was learning the new steps to becoming a published writer, the little horse and his determined survival mode kept lingering in the back of my mind.
To then find myself last night after reading my book that I had also uploaded to Amazon with some typo’s and possible sentence changes that would make it easier for the reader to understand and utilize. I went to Smashwords followed the instructions, re-did the changes and within an hour or so had my book re-submitted and in the cue. As I then went to Amazon to accomplish the same task, where I found a whole series of computer technology and directions I just did not understand or could implicate. Finding me at 1 pm tired, a little frustrated, but determined I could figure this out. I could get this accomplished. It could not be that hard I thought to myself as I dozed off.
Discovering no answers as I awoke, fed, showered and headed out for my first important lesson of the day, where as the conversation between her and me flowed, I became aware of how important the differences between learning, understanding, watching, doing and feeling are, and why so much of what any of us do is in a more zombie mode. So much of what we do is because we are expected or told that is the only way it can or should be done. Kind of mindlessly going through the motions, finding minutes, hours, and even days have gone past without us fully aware much less alive going forward as we get caught up in the stories of the others all around us instead of creating each moment anew.
Like little kids do being fascinated with every little thing when they find it and bring it to us for us to observe and find their excitement and wonder to draw us in to really see a butterfly, flower or even a little bug in a totally new way.
Watching is observation as when it attracts, excites or truly holds our interest…nothing can easily distract us from it because we are so deep in fascination or amazement of watching something being done or doing something that feels too good to do anything but thoroughly enjoy it.
Learning is repeating till we get the move, the idea, or the belief firmly established as a non-thought reaction or response.
Understanding is the ability to be comfortable with explaining, teaching, demonstrating or doing it.
Feeling is the sensory reaction to stimuli by any of our main five senses: Taste, touch, hearing, seeing, or smelling.
My learning and new understanding in helping Freckles and myself out, is how much of both of our lives have been controlled by our innate habitual reaction to any uncomfortable stimulus. Caused by being convinced by others to having no faith or trust in ourselves. No thought or idea of maybe there is another way to do something than the way all of these people are telling or trying to make us believe is the way for us.
We are zombies: per Wikipedia “A zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi; North Mbundu: nzumbe) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.
We have stopped living consciously and fully aware in each moment. We allow people, animals and things to come, barge, run, call, email or advertise us in to a state of discomfort to get us off-track of our own inner guidance, to follow along with their train of thoughts.
When it dawned on me as I was asking for Freckles nose this morning as I first touched the rope before loosening it… I watched his every movement, as aware of him as he was of me. I felt for his recognizing I was fully present, now, with him, he breathed, I breathed, and for the next 20 minutes I was fully engaged, fully aware, fully alive. No tomorrow, no stuff from yesterday or even a few minutes ago. Meeting myself and him on the totally new ground of NOW, the present, a gift each one of us can give to ourselves each and every moment of the day!
I’ve been resisting writing the last few days, even though I know I have uncovered a lot of stuff and turned it all into rich, soft, fertile ground to plant all of my now renewed, re-discovered and truly life changing hopes and dreams. Many of them from years and years back, some relating all the way back to my childhood where all I could ever imagine or think about was spending time near horses, around horses or on horses. Making equipment, blankets, bridles, reins and halters out of every scrap of lacing, leather or material I had access to.
Begging, pleading, bartering or chattering to any and all that would listen. Getting into this much misaligned habit of sharing by having to play with others in the games, manners and ways that made them happy, as I hopefully waited for my turn, the turn that came with the promise of if I shared my time with them, and “played nice”, then they would have to do the same for me. Though many times as not the minutes, hours, days would roll by with the “if I would just wait or do one more thing” then my turn would come.
To find me all these many years later, still waiting, playing, coaching, teaching, training and being paid handsomely for those who are starting out, starting over, actually going after their dreams too, of the joy, freedom, and satisfaction that comes from being a horse owner and connecting as a partner with an animal of such immense size, ability and awareness.
The last few days of this week found me once again working with and mulling over the little app horse I have had for 6 years, which had been given to me as a kid’s because of his size. Though my initial response in handling and meeting him… was are you kidding me?? Taking all of the time possible since then, to exam him and myself for all of the accumulated lessons of fear, distrust, and fleeing, so readily discernible up until the last three years of his tendency to bolt at the slightest movement from anyone or anything. So much of that originally attributed to the large indention in the center of his head about two inches up from between his eyes where he would flinch if a hand got to close, more so on the left side where he would then lock his legs, swing his head as far as possible to the right and stand there.
I have used and tried so very many different methods that I know, have learned, have had suggested, a lot of trial and error, always making small steps toward releasing the image he has so ingrained into his habitual responses. Though on Thursday I noticed his jumping always tied into the minute either hind quarter was trapped into a space he had to pass through. Finding the story I had learned about other foals the previous owner had raised then gives away as 2 and 3 year olds and how he would push them into a squeeze shoot, fumbling with his disability from several old injuries, sometimes falling onto the horses, or off the shoot. This would then cause a horse with the desire to run, left with the only option with their feet so aptly held in the shoot to lean as hard and far as possible to the other side to escape these rough, jerky motions that left the horse with a strong fear and distaste of fences, sudden movement and human contact.
As I played with the thought in my mind, I was aware of how much I dearly love to share and teach, how much I have held back over layers of uncertainty of my rights to be in control of what I can or should be doing with my life. So I rearranged my two barrels that are used to direct a horse in, out, and around them from about six feet from the fence on one side and open on the other. Where this little horse would jump every time he came close to any opening, with a locked, raised neck and the whites of his eyes watching for any and every opportunity to escape, when I recognized he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Even though my hands were light upon the rope as I guided him through, I saw a possible new solution after half an hour with minimal relaxing or even breathing from him, of moving my saddling rail to make a temporary chute to “walk” him through. Get him into a place as small as possible that he could still walk in, walk through, walk out, slowly, then step by step for the next hour I played with him, till I felt him relax, yawn, and let go of the terror of forced enclosure. Aware of the resistance in me to trap myself into fully walking eyes wide open to my fullest dreams of and for me, completely, solidly, comfortably… asking no one if, how, why, or may I.
Amazed at the tension that left both of us about the same time, I just wanted to sit down and bawl, over all of the years of waiting for the support I thought was necessary from outside of me. And yet here it was, my imaginary fears of outside disapproval’s, when it was only me holding me back, trying to protect me from allowing all of me out… to fully live.
I love my life, my horses, my kids, my family, my friends and everything I have ever done or come in contact with. It’s all shaped me, the sharing of episodes and escapades many times helps others see that what they are attempting or afraid of, that someone like me who makes so much of what I do appear easy… has had to wade through the swamps of fears, to climb out on the rocks and logs to find the stream of life always ready to wash us off, cool and refresh us as we float along supported by the Universe in each of ours desires, dreams and passions to be fully uniquely ourselves as we learn, understand and expand to truly live our life to the fullest.
The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”
Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…
His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.
The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.
To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.
Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.
Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!