Trainer/Coach Transformer

002When you think you know what it is you do and suddenly find yourself fully engulfed having fun changing lives in ways you never quite imagined or have ever explained to another…

In the last few weeks of my working with horses and their owners I was suddenly, almost magically transported to a keen insight into what it is I am actually doing in my “supposed” line of work as a horse trainer/coach. I am a transformer.

I have owners bring me their problems… horses, fears, ideals and dreams. Their horses that have stopped working, are barely moving, running away and are in conflict with what is being expected, or are totally refusing to “behave”.

I evaluate the communication between horse and rider, finding the clues to the mistakes. Many times because the horse’s body is out of alignment. The owner’s timing is off. The horse has never been asked or taught how to move in ways that are comfortable much less correct, and with no idea of how to ask with the rider’s body for the expected results with their horse.

I assist people in learning to connect in the horse’s body language of communication, how much difference it makes to a horse to move in a way that the horse can flow in any direction that is desired when the person asking is in the right place. Even more so to be able to bring to the owner’s awareness that many of the horses brought to me have been started or handled by well-meaning individuals who are not aware of what incredible mimics’ horses are. That every minute you are handling a horse you are teaching it something! What you do want or what you don’t want. For horses focus and live in the now, they are not thinking of ten minutes ago, are where they will be tomorrow.

Their focus on present is so keen, that if they are asked to move in any way that causes the one moving them to stop moving. They accept the non-movement as this last movement they have done was the right answer.

I have had three horses in the last four days that are older horses, who have no idea how to lope confidently on the ground with a lead attached, much less under saddle. These horses all show the signs of being ridden by people that had no idea that everything they asked a horse to do, even if it put the horse’s body out of balance. It had to be the right answer because one of several things would happen. The horse would stop moving, slow down to a more in control speed, the rider would stop pulling, yanking, kicking, lose the rider, or would quit and put the horse away. Many times selling the horse because they didn’t know how to fix the problem they had created.

I assist owners in becoming aware of how everything going on with their horses is a reflection of something in the owner’s confidence in communication. Horses and their owners’ bodies are evaluated, for chiropractic, feet, emotional and communication abilities. Many times as in the present horses… I go all the way back to simple, basic baby steps. In assisting the horse to find trust in my ability to ask with the right feel and timing for the best answer for the horse, then by showing and teaching this to the rider to start a whole new form of communication. Teaching and coaching both with their ability to understand and work with each other to change the habits that have brought them to me.

Always I watch with fascination and joy as a horse learns to lose the brace from frustrated, fearful handling because of all the misunderstanding in trying to figure out what is desired of them, and that it is possible to do these movements in a much more comfortable and easy way. I show both how to communicate comfortably, safely, and effectively in a way that they both understand and can feel that they must move as a team, each one’s job is to be in a position to assist the other the best placement of their bodies, so they can now find a new way to react that feels and works better for the both of them.

Many times taking former “washed up, bad, blown up” horses, and frustrated, fearful riders. Back to performing winners, comfortable, and confident companions, by getting all to slow down, communicate, trust and “ask” each other to be the incredible partner they had both been seeking and believing possible when they first came to me. I love my job, the people and the horses that grace my life.

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Random Impulses…

pulseRandom impulses led me here to find several old started posts saved  by me… With the promise of the information they offered. A few minutes of re-reading, an edit or two and poof out here they are for those interested in steps and signs of the Universe guiding me forward…

All of this thinking, listening, being aware of my thoughts as I ingest the new information from my latest audio playbacks from TheGateofUnity.com‘s representation of the various speakers from the start of this year. This meant this morning I was once again absorbing more from Ms Hough, to find myself at the end of my morning route, extremely tired and in need of a short nap that I allowed myself, the minute I finished all of the morning animal chores.

To wake up from the coolest of dreams of a football team scrimmage where as soon as the players on either side completed all their drills, be they offense or defense. They then each in turn, played all the drills for their opposing player to allow them to understand both sides of the play. Allowing me the deeper insight into not judging a situation as right or wrong, just allow the information I need to show itself and guide me to the answer I am seeking.

This then was played out in my life when I went back outside to ride. Spying my son’s dog still determinedly digging more holes in the same place for more gophers like the ones he killed 3 or 4 weeks back. So perfectly mirroring the holes my son was digging to make a fort in the ground. Aware of my initial thought of digging deep and going nowhere fast. I then head out to the pasture to remove several of the weeds that have gotten to monstrous to mow. My intention to cut them down was paused in the feeling to take the pick with me, to be rewarded with the ease of “digging” out what had appeared to be several plants in a clump, which was just actually one humongous weed with an extremely large base and a very deep root.With several expert swings of the pick dug out and uprooted the whole plant. My mind quickly grasped the concept of me “judging” how hard the whole process might be by my view from the distance. Versus the instinct to take the pick with the clippers, changing tactics when I got close enough to actually view, then decide the simplest most effective method. My mind reminding me of how frustrated I have been at getting my youngest to clean his room, and yet not go anywhere near the expression used by my parents to get me to do things “Because I said so!” Realizing this was a deep rooted idea, which now in recognizing and viewed differently all because I have learned to understand why I was stuck in the first place. It is so much easier to change myself than force change just because I think that what I another want changed on the outside will make me feel better. I realized I could accomplish more if I chose to change than talk and explain some long line of belief that I had clung onto for so very long.

This peace settled all through me. I knew I had uprooted not only the weed, but an old issue I now viewed differently. To have the rest of my day turn into a magical journey… Back to drive my evening route where they informed me the heavy rattling and shaking that had been a constant annoyance. Was because not only had the weight come off of a tire, but one of the tires was severely out of round. They changed it out and I had the smoothest ride in over a year. My son came home, after I changed my expectations, all chores done successfully, immediately, and the rooms (more than one) are clean.

Wow, just be in the moment, take out the judgment, allow for all things to be of the Universe conversing with me. Paying attention if how I am feeling is positive or negative. Remind myself to take things one step at a time, ease into change, pay attention, breathe in between thoughts, love, listen, and trust my instincts. It’s all good!

Is it time…

down-tiggerI have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!

Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…

So I retreated…

Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…

Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.

This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…

No…  I choose to rise!

Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!

 

 

 

 

Crazy Dreaming

New logo for 2016

Really crazy dream last night… Life is not linear, all of the things we ask for we are always being guided toward, but this guidance is more like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Which is so easy to do when no one distracts our focus on the next piece that we need which is right there in front of us…

Until someone comes up and knocks over the pile and then we are scrambling to clean up the mess and find that piece that we had just been reaching for.

All of the puzzles in the dream when I stepped back far enough, I discovered were actually interlocking steps for the path of my life… Which I inadvertently had thought… taught by well-meaning others input as the connection for my path. When in reality it was their path they were trying to get me to walk with them so they would feel better.

My life stayed fun and exciting when I stayed focused on my path and only guided or assisted others in finding and learning to focus on their own paths. Not leaving my path to push, carry, or do their path for them.

The last few mornings have been this way, wakening from fun crazy dreams which always answered the last questions I thought about before going off to sleep.

I am not a round or square peg to fit into society’s round, square, or by their specifically designed pigeon holes.

I am a multi-dimensional quark, which constantly changes as I play, learn and expand on my journey of becoming a clear flame of light for others to know it is okay to shine, become, qlow and share their own uniqueness light to brighten and illuminate our world!

Application “Open” (Details Below)

cowboyAfter almost 400 days straight of daily writing, blogging, posting on here and elsewhere… I stopped several months back having not had the slightest inclination until today to write. I took a few steps back to allow my dreams, desires and imaginings to just simmer in the oceans of possibilities that constantly flow through my viewing eyes, listening ears, and my other highly aware and intuitive senses. To discover I have always known exactly who I have been expecting to be in my life.

This after doing, following, training, learning, exploring, testing, and discarding all of the information and ideas I use to allow others to bury my desires under. For no other logical reason than this crazy idea I needed and was expected to fit in. Which now in looking back I can see the total insanity of, as I stand just a smidgen under 6 feet tall. I love my cowboy boots (very round or square toed). I can ride most any horse, though now a days I only ride others horses when the owner is truly invested in learning to become a partner with their animal. I accomplish anything I set my mind upon. I can cook, bake, Bar-B-Que, make or improve most things always adding my own flair and imagination.

Talented, imaginative, intelligent and healthy with my new found love of water and yoga. I appreciate all that I have done, can do and accomplish, coupled with my love of words, card games and my desire to always bring my best to the task or challenge of living fully in each moment. Inclusive of my delving through the computer for ideas and choices, filled with ads attempting to direct me into following the newest, or best ideas of how to accomplish my meeting “The Man”.

The last few days finding me exploring the possibilities of “hiring” dates, friends, or even a professional to go places with… though the latter was more in amusement than sincerity. When this morning found me waking to the sound of the hushed tones of breakfast being made, the giggling of others sincere in fixing a surprise, with the smells of bacon, fresh coffee and the aroma of hot steamy waffles .. tempting me to explore these sounds and aromas

To then fully awaken as I became aware of the last lingerings of my imagined perfect morning, now minus the family, the warm smile from under the mustache of two eyes filled with the desire to share another day of horses, cattle, family, dogs, the outdoors, practice, work, repair, play, with the drive to accomplish and be a better person to myself and others than I was each moment before…

This prompting me to put out my own application…

MALE

Height: 5’11” +

Weight: appropriate to height

Shape: Healthy, physical, active, athletically, and mechanically inclined

Looks: Easy on the eyes… mustached

Intelligence: Book, computer, cooking, family, animal savy

Interests: Versatile, expanding and inclusive of horses, cattle, competition, family, the outdoors and fun

Desires: Living life to the fullest, sharing, involved, having fun… Owns the ground they walk on and willing to share.

I have everything to gain from exploring any and all possibilities. Interested qualified recipients please respond below…

Love Manifestation…

One

I have been clearing, cleaning, sifting and sorting my life out… to find out about the word “LOVE”. Seems like a simple thought considering my NDE which exposed me to the wonderful exhilarating sensation and feeling of unconditional love… The first time as about a 3 year old… the feeling staying around until the next rough experience of what I was being told “Love” was as I was receiving another punishment for whatever thing a little one might do to upset parents under the worlds design of appropriate behavior, style or fashion.

Fast forward 30 years for/to the next other worldly experience in Canada where the afterglow stayed with me for almost 24 hours… until I arrived back home driving in my driveway, and seeing this immense dark cloud over the top of my house. To lose this sense of invincibility as the habitual fear of “what have I done now” descended upon me…

Forward another 20 years to find myself at what many would describe at nearly “rock bottom” from a sudden divorce, loss of friends, status, etc and the left half of my face falling.

Which was the beginning of my truly slowing down, learning to let go of what was coming from without and begin to really study myself. Already having bookshelves crammed with self-help books. I began the process of reconnecting with me.

Now 3 years later I have come to the realization that I can accomplish and do anything when I am connected to the “Source” in me… I sense for the right feel of whatever is being presented. Is it a definite yes… then I commit. If not a full yes… it’s a no! I slow down, take a breath, listen and feel if the voice in my head is positive it’s me, if it is condemning, doubtful, or annoying it is someone else’s opinion of what has worked for them, or what they think might work for me yammering for my attention.

Finding in the last few years that many of the words I have been taught and believed I knew the meaning of, I have needed to sometimes actually look them up, amazed to find many definitions for a word that I had been taught or understood to only mean one thing.

To then come in here this morning to find several post about love and knowing from my own experience of struggle over my perceived difference between “love”  attached to conditions or rules by/of others, and “unconditional love” total acceptance that it is all good.

I love the insight, sharing, and caring that goes on and I find when I come from a place of total acceptance…An “It’s All Good” frame of mind. I now love every part of my life. I have learned that when something gives me the least angst… “I desired coffee the other morning and my son had once again used up all of the milk…”for I drink my milk with sugar and coffee”. As I started to do my habitual nagging of what about me, I heard and felt within myself “You attracted this because you need more water much less of any other beverage and by this happening it’s the only way you have attracted to cut back on your overloading with coffee habit to pay attention of your need to and ability to change .”

I was flooded with this sense of unconditional love for my son, the situation, and myself. As I realized I am finally listening to the Christ within me. I am connecting all of me, heart, head, body, and soul. As I realize life has constantly been supporting me, even with what felt like “No’s” for if I would just wait, listen and look around I would have find the very thing I truly need is usually right there in a format that I have been trained away from listening to the guidance from within.

I love and appreciate everyone I meet. My life keeps changing and wonderfully improving as I listen, fully trust, and love the positive voice and gut feelings that are there for each and every one of us every moment of every day. Have a great day!!

Thank You to The Ellen Show…

Thank you Ellen for sharing your clips on YouTube with the world…

Change

Wow!!! I feel a whole new life has found me and so much of it because I took the time to stop… everything that wasn’t absolutely necessary to do… to find and reconnect with all of me in the last 6 months from when I use to write and post regularly. I stopped to take on the biggest, scariest, toughest assignment ever. I took the time, energy, patience and faith to go inside, learn who I was or wasn’t, and what it was I truly desired with my life.

All of which came to an incredible climax this weekend as I was watching about my 1000th Ellen Show clip from another’s share on FaceBook, which led to me perusing through a few more from her shows clips, to come upon the one about the young man who shared his biggest fear via a video on YouTube about what his actual body looked like after a huge weight loss. After viewing it, I inadvertently clicked onto a page where it showed applications for nominating someone to The Ellen Show to receive a new vehicle. As I was reading the instructions I saw that one could nominate themselves???

How could this be??? The tears and emotion that came pouring up and out were so hard to deal with. I immediately closed the page and allowed myself to take in the onslaught of old personal issues… “How dare I think I deserved something I didn’t work for?” “Who did I think I was there are so many out there so much more in need and so much more deserving?” “Nothing comes for free you know, there is always a catch?” And then the biggest fear of all… what if anyone ever were to find out exactly all the things I have done, done without, just managed with or not done that got me into this mess “I made my bed and it’s my job to fix it!”

So I spent the next 48 hours struggling with this desire so strong to be given the chance to start over… though the thought of asking for help, letting any outsider know the truth of where one is coming from… and not be condemned. Made even more “in my face” as I struggled to maintain my everything is alright with the world personna. Since anytime I do not smile… others perceive me as mad or unhappy, all because of the still frozen in a smile left side of my face causes me to literally show how unbalanced and unhappy much smaller parts of the inner me still is.

Aware of how much I really and truly have been maintaining or working constantly to change, To feel I am okay, I do belong, I am allowed… just as I am, to be “Me different”! The universe then brought this fully to my attention when a male customer came in Sunday night and stated “Boy you have some really big hands”. I quickly replied “Thank you, they really helped holding a basketball!” when he then asked me to put my hands up to his where my fingers topped his by half an inch or so. Where he then remarked to his male companion “wow, would you look at this!” I suddenly was aware of how much “I felt” I towered over them, with either one about 5’6, to my just over 6′ with boots on.

After they left, the feeling inside was all of the old stuff about what others say, perceive or notice and I felt the still clinging old fears of getting out there and making a fool out of myself, by not trying to fit in.

I finished my shift. I came home, open the computer and stared at the application. Stopped and took a picture of me in my fear. Took a deep breath and told myself the answer would come to me when I woke in the morning, and then went to bed.

Woke up, took another picture, making sure I had the same shirt on. Opened to Ellen’s page, to find a different application, one for questions about the show. In tears as I read it and decided just doing this, was a step forward. I uploaded my picture of before, to then ask if they had ever had a show where others who were afraid to even ask for help because of some screwy mix up in their life learning’s over who could or should ask for help. If they had others on who were just managing to get by, that compared themselves to the two ends of the spectrum “those who have it all and those totally without” ones like me who just made do or without and they had been the recipients??

Thanked them for all they do, all the wonderful uplifting clips shared on YouTube, and for giving me the opportunity to just ask this question as a step toward working through my fear…  then hit send! No editing, no take backs. Went to work, came home, and went to bed knowing today would be better.

Waking up to feed first, then started taking pictures of my progress as I realized the sun was still shining, the world didn’t come screeching in on me.  And just as suddenly I started getting help and assistance from several surprising sources. My computer glitches were quickly cleared up by my HP provider. Apple fixed my IPhone and taught me how to make my own ring tone. A friend called up to tell me about the perfect new job for me. With each picture I took showing the difference of me facing and moving through this my latest challenging fear. Even up to now as I write, share and go to post my first truly personal revealing of how I look unposed, unaltered, in small, real steps of the true me to the world.

In Sync…

Tree at dusk

What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.

As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.

After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself.  A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.

Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest,  just not quite what I was aiming for.

Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.

The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.

But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response.  Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.

This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration.  It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.

REVELATIONS TO SELF…

And now

I have been amazingly deep in thought the last few days after the transition of a very close friend through his sudden suicide. This has had me truly in a state of limbo after the high flying place I was in minutes before the text came across my phone, and I called the intermediary to find out what he knew that might have caused this to have happened.

Finding solace in my own form of therapy, as I processed all of our last few months of conversations, the chat texts we shared on FB, the last month of his posts on line and all the texting still found on my phone. In an attempt to understand, find a trail, see if there were signs that I might have missed. To become aware as I was backtracking that there was a lot of information there now in the close light of scrutiny that showed things were not going as good in the direction I thought we were in agreement on in his moving forward to his new job.

Today I find peace in the fact I was seeing him successful, and happy as with each talk he made progress forward toward the life that was calling him forward. Except for his not confiding in me about his lady friend, but for one remembered conversation about his not bringing her up because of a fear of what it might do to our long time relationship as friends who lived thousands of miles apart. With only one possible meeting back in October of this last year when he came down to Texas for a shooting match and my circumstances did not allow me to drive the 400 miles up to visit with him and watch him compete.

That morning conversation finding out that sometime recently in the same time of his job loss, having to relocate to another state and being out of work for 3 months before the new job became a reality, she had told him he would never replace her husband who had also committed suicide. “She could never love him!”

This hit me in a place I least expected it to.

I have been seeing someone, with this teeter tottering over my latest learning situation… I found many attractive, interesting and amazing things about this individual… while at the same time, several old patterns of thoughts from my past kept popping up. My mind “working diligently on keeping the positive thoughts out to the forefront, with the constant reminder of “this or something better” ringing in my head.

Today after my meditation, when I awakened from a short nap where I woke up from a remembering my friend, with a slight nudge back toward where I was at minutes before the text about his choice with his life. The light went back on so strongly over how much I have learned how to love living life alone. I play with my time and create awesomely when I am happy, fully enjoying each moment and things just manifest left and right.

Yes this present man did just manifest out of nowhere. Yes he has many of the physical qualities on my desire list, and yes I could “work” at having this all turn out. Except I have been trying to be open to the possibilities of something better, fun, easy, that feels good… All The Time.

Quoting Geneviee Behrend from Your Invisible Power:
“Your mental picture is the force of attraction which evolves and combines with Origination Substance into specific shape. Your picture is the combining and evolving power house, in a generative sense, so to say, through which the Originating Creative Spirit expresses itself. Its creative actions is limitless, without beginning and without end, and always progressive and orderly. “It proceeds stage by stage, each stage being a necessary preparation for the one to follow.”

Yes I attracted an eligible, possible, interested man. “BUT” there were so many buts, yes there were lots of my list there, but I was checking them off the wrong way, from information gathered that all stated the pieces were there if I wanted “work” to put them together in the format I am wanting…. Instead of look I am progressing forward in necessary preparation for what I am going to have with the right man.

SHEESH… I had a fantastic time last night at work, flirting and cutting up with men that are friends of mine. It is fun, easy, entertaining and draws life through me. Wow, exactly what I am stepping toward.

My friend’s message to me seemed to say “Love yourself, first, foremost and completely… You will never be happy if you settle” I could feel his support for my heart’s desire… Not my head and how to make another project work. “Keep my eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole”, focusing steadily upon the good feeling, easy, fun, whole, wonderful, loving , richly supported relationship that I can feel, sense and now touch all around me.

Kind of a rambling post… but I wrote this for me in an awareness of the quote I keep posted on my computer screen:

“That constant desire to please all the time—that can get you in some shit.”
— Robin Williams

If it helps someone else that’s great. If not that’s okay to, for I have let myself off of the hook of believing anybody else’s rules or standards need to apply to my own heart and dreams!

Woke up to start writing…

Last Thursday the words just started pouring out onto the page…

Wind Whisperer

Listen said the wind, gently playing in my ear
Softly, quietly, to the words that venture near

Feel the darkness calling, beckoning your name
Seeking now to tell you, there is nothing to this shame

Find the inner knowing, hidden buried much too deep
All those very sacred wishes, are still here for you to reap

Listen to it whisper, patterns of remembrance on your skin dear
Gently, stirring and arousing things you were taught and learned to fear

Silently you’ve been seeking, a way out of all this pain
Asking, working, breathing, any and every way to fully live again

Trust these feelings, thoughts, and whisperings within you still alive
More than mere imaginings, they are the real you that you hide

No more pretending, treading gently, heeding traditions from the past
Let the new in, take it slowly, allow each moment fully now to last.

Cat 1-8-2015

Slept for 6 more hours on and off in the middle of the day. To be awoken from a dream that was so vivid, all physical sensations present except the smell of my surroundings:

I was wandering through some market place, naked, when I came upon this art gallery displaying kids pencil drawings on large old brown paper bags. All of the sacks had various 1st and 2nd grade type art of the dreams of each child of who they wished to become or do when they grow up.

All of the various bags were hung up with old wooden clothes pins, on rainbow primary colors yarn crisscrossing in each room through this one entire building in this old stucco market square.

When I noticed the drawings were for sale to raise money, and I began to realize the artists were children from the local school I drive for. So I began searching through the drawings looking for my friend’s daughter’s name. When an assistant to the gallery came up to help me and after we could not find the particular girl’s work, we called her mother, asking her to help us come up and search for it.

She arrived moments later and the first thing she spied was the light, lilac, giant stranded wool sweater I was carrying draped across my arm. Commenting on how much she loved the pattern of the knitters’ work, when across her shoulder I saw the man whom when we were teesn I adored, but had been banned from dating, going into one of the other rooms. She caught my sudden movement as I stopped to follow after him with my gaze. When she prodded me to go get dressed  while she would tell him I was there. She then pushed me into the adjoining room to slip on the long oversized, rough textured body sweater. As I finish pulling the sweater on I could see him across the parking lot, looking tall, tired, and older, smoking a cigarette dressed in a light tan caftan shirt, dark charcoal grey business type trousers.

A meeting was set up for later in the day at some college where he was taking drafting courses. I arrived to go into the room just to left of his classroom. I watched as he came in to the room I was standing in the dark of the farthest corner of. Observing as he came in and began this religious ceremony that reminded me of the ceremonies of one who studies the religion of worshipping Allah with prayer before a small alter always toward the western sky. In my mind I was comparing how much each of us had changed from the loving constraints of our well-meaning parents as to what religion was best for us.

I waited till his ritual was over before I went up to him, touched his shoulder so that he would know I was there. As he turned to me, I saw this deep, tired expression on his face like carrying the world of expectation of what it was I probably wanted now. While in the background played Chistina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” as I began to lead him over to the prayer mats on the ground next to the sacred pool.

Assuming a crossed legged position, I beckoned him to join me and we watched as many different videos played in small floating colorful square framed holograms of singular flowers, displayed with each playing a different healing melody around the edges of the pool. I could feel the sense of ease as with each different tune, some old memory of pain floated up from within and was released.

After all of this sense of past struggle left my body. I reached for his hand and told him thank you… I finally understood. He looked at me with relief and release spilling down his face, to then ask me if this was truly all I had asked to meet him for. I said yes and wished him the peace and love I now felt coursing through every fiber of my being…  Awakening to an immense sense of change deep within, followed by the incessant need to write it all down.

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