After almost 400 days straight of daily writing, blogging, posting on here and elsewhere… I stopped several months back having not had the slightest inclination until today to write. I took a few steps back to allow my dreams, desires and imaginings to just simmer in the oceans of possibilities that constantly flow through my viewing eyes, listening ears, and my other highly aware and intuitive senses. To discover I have always known exactly who I have been expecting to be in my life.
This after doing, following, training, learning, exploring, testing, and discarding all of the information and ideas I use to allow others to bury my desires under. For no other logical reason than this crazy idea I needed and was expected to fit in. Which now in looking back I can see the total insanity of, as I stand just a smidgen under 6 feet tall. I love my cowboy boots (very round or square toed). I can ride most any horse, though now a days I only ride others horses when the owner is truly invested in learning to become a partner with their animal. I accomplish anything I set my mind upon. I can cook, bake, Bar-B-Que, make or improve most things always adding my own flair and imagination.
Talented, imaginative, intelligent and healthy with my new found love of water and yoga. I appreciate all that I have done, can do and accomplish, coupled with my love of words, card games and my desire to always bring my best to the task or challenge of living fully in each moment. Inclusive of my delving through the computer for ideas and choices, filled with ads attempting to direct me into following the newest, or best ideas of how to accomplish my meeting “The Man”.
The last few days finding me exploring the possibilities of “hiring” dates, friends, or even a professional to go places with… though the latter was more in amusement than sincerity. When this morning found me waking to the sound of the hushed tones of breakfast being made, the giggling of others sincere in fixing a surprise, with the smells of bacon, fresh coffee and the aroma of hot steamy waffles .. tempting me to explore these sounds and aromas
To then fully awaken as I became aware of the last lingerings of my imagined perfect morning, now minus the family, the warm smile from under the mustache of two eyes filled with the desire to share another day of horses, cattle, family, dogs, the outdoors, practice, work, repair, play, with the drive to accomplish and be a better person to myself and others than I was each moment before…
This prompting me to put out my own application…
Height: 5’11” +
Weight: appropriate to height
Shape: Healthy, physical, active, athletically, and mechanically inclined
Looks: Easy on the eyes… mustached
Intelligence: Book, computer, cooking, family, animal savy
Interests: Versatile, expanding and inclusive of horses, cattle, competition, family, the outdoors and fun
Desires: Living life to the fullest, sharing, involved, having fun… Owns the ground they walk on and willing to share.
I have everything to gain from exploring any and all possibilities. Interested qualified recipients please respond below…
I have been clearing, cleaning, sifting and sorting my life out… to find out about the word “LOVE”. Seems like a simple thought considering my NDE which exposed me to the wonderful exhilarating sensation and feeling of unconditional love… The first time as about a 3 year old… the feeling staying around until the next rough experience of what I was being told “Love” was as I was receiving another punishment for whatever thing a little one might do to upset parents under the worlds design of appropriate behavior, style or fashion.
Fast forward 30 years for/to the next other worldly experience in Canada where the afterglow stayed with me for almost 24 hours… until I arrived back home driving in my driveway, and seeing this immense dark cloud over the top of my house. To lose this sense of invincibility as the habitual fear of “what have I done now” descended upon me…
Forward another 20 years to find myself at what many would describe at nearly “rock bottom” from a sudden divorce, loss of friends, status, etc and the left half of my face falling.
Which was the beginning of my truly slowing down, learning to let go of what was coming from without and begin to really study myself. Already having bookshelves crammed with self-help books. I began the process of reconnecting with me.
Now 3 years later I have come to the realization that I can accomplish and do anything when I am connected to the “Source” in me… I sense for the right feel of whatever is being presented. Is it a definite yes… then I commit. If not a full yes… it’s a no! I slow down, take a breath, listen and feel if the voice in my head is positive it’s me, if it is condemning, doubtful, or annoying it is someone else’s opinion of what has worked for them, or what they think might work for me yammering for my attention.
Finding in the last few years that many of the words I have been taught and believed I knew the meaning of, I have needed to sometimes actually look them up, amazed to find many definitions for a word that I had been taught or understood to only mean one thing.
To then come in here this morning to find several post about love and knowing from my own experience of struggle over my perceived difference between “love” attached to conditions or rules by/of others, and “unconditional love” total acceptance that it is all good.
I love the insight, sharing, and caring that goes on and I find when I come from a place of total acceptance…An “It’s All Good” frame of mind. I now love every part of my life. I have learned that when something gives me the least angst… “I desired coffee the other morning and my son had once again used up all of the milk…”for I drink my milk with sugar and coffee”. As I started to do my habitual nagging of what about me, I heard and felt within myself “You attracted this because you need more water much less of any other beverage and by this happening it’s the only way you have attracted to cut back on your overloading with coffee habit to pay attention of your need to and ability to change .”
I was flooded with this sense of unconditional love for my son, the situation, and myself. As I realized I am finally listening to the Christ within me. I am connecting all of me, heart, head, body, and soul. As I realize life has constantly been supporting me, even with what felt like “No’s” for if I would just wait, listen and look around I would have find the very thing I truly need is usually right there in a format that I have been trained away from listening to the guidance from within.
I love and appreciate everyone I meet. My life keeps changing and wonderfully improving as I listen, fully trust, and love the positive voice and gut feelings that are there for each and every one of us every moment of every day. Have a great day!!
Thank you Ellen for sharing your clips on YouTube with the world…
Wow!!! I feel a whole new life has found me and so much of it because I took the time to stop… everything that wasn’t absolutely necessary to do… to find and reconnect with all of me in the last 6 months from when I use to write and post regularly. I stopped to take on the biggest, scariest, toughest assignment ever. I took the time, energy, patience and faith to go inside, learn who I was or wasn’t, and what it was I truly desired with my life.
All of which came to an incredible climax this weekend as I was watching about my 1000th Ellen Show clip from another’s share on FaceBook, which led to me perusing through a few more from her shows clips, to come upon the one about the young man who shared his biggest fear via a video on YouTube about what his actual body looked like after a huge weight loss. After viewing it, I inadvertently clicked onto a page where it showed applications for nominating someone to The Ellen Show to receive a new vehicle. As I was reading the instructions I saw that one could nominate themselves???
How could this be??? The tears and emotion that came pouring up and out were so hard to deal with. I immediately closed the page and allowed myself to take in the onslaught of old personal issues… “How dare I think I deserved something I didn’t work for?” “Who did I think I was there are so many out there so much more in need and so much more deserving?” “Nothing comes for free you know, there is always a catch?” And then the biggest fear of all… what if anyone ever were to find out exactly all the things I have done, done without, just managed with or not done that got me into this mess “I made my bed and it’s my job to fix it!”
So I spent the next 48 hours struggling with this desire so strong to be given the chance to start over… though the thought of asking for help, letting any outsider know the truth of where one is coming from… and not be condemned. Made even more “in my face” as I struggled to maintain my everything is alright with the world personna. Since anytime I do not smile… others perceive me as mad or unhappy, all because of the still frozen in a smile left side of my face causes me to literally show how unbalanced and unhappy much smaller parts of the inner me still is.
Aware of how much I really and truly have been maintaining or working constantly to change, To feel I am okay, I do belong, I am allowed… just as I am, to be “Me different”! The universe then brought this fully to my attention when a male customer came in Sunday night and stated “Boy you have some really big hands”. I quickly replied “Thank you, they really helped holding a basketball!” when he then asked me to put my hands up to his where my fingers topped his by half an inch or so. Where he then remarked to his male companion “wow, would you look at this!” I suddenly was aware of how much “I felt” I towered over them, with either one about 5’6, to my just over 6′ with boots on.
After they left, the feeling inside was all of the old stuff about what others say, perceive or notice and I felt the still clinging old fears of getting out there and making a fool out of myself, by not trying to fit in.
I finished my shift. I came home, open the computer and stared at the application. Stopped and took a picture of me in my fear. Took a deep breath and told myself the answer would come to me when I woke in the morning, and then went to bed.
Woke up, took another picture, making sure I had the same shirt on. Opened to Ellen’s page, to find a different application, one for questions about the show. In tears as I read it and decided just doing this, was a step forward. I uploaded my picture of before, to then ask if they had ever had a show where others who were afraid to even ask for help because of some screwy mix up in their life learning’s over who could or should ask for help. If they had others on who were just managing to get by, that compared themselves to the two ends of the spectrum “those who have it all and those totally without” ones like me who just made do or without and they had been the recipients??
Thanked them for all they do, all the wonderful uplifting clips shared on YouTube, and for giving me the opportunity to just ask this question as a step toward working through my fear… then hit send! No editing, no take backs. Went to work, came home, and went to bed knowing today would be better.
Waking up to feed first, then started taking pictures of my progress as I realized the sun was still shining, the world didn’t come screeching in on me. And just as suddenly I started getting help and assistance from several surprising sources. My computer glitches were quickly cleared up by my HP provider. Apple fixed my IPhone and taught me how to make my own ring tone. A friend called up to tell me about the perfect new job for me. With each picture I took showing the difference of me facing and moving through this my latest challenging fear. Even up to now as I write, share and go to post my first truly personal revealing of how I look unposed, unaltered, in small, real steps of the true me to the world.
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
I have been amazingly deep in thought the last few days after the transition of a very close friend through his sudden suicide. This has had me truly in a state of limbo after the high flying place I was in minutes before the text came across my phone, and I called the intermediary to find out what he knew that might have caused this to have happened.
Finding solace in my own form of therapy, as I processed all of our last few months of conversations, the chat texts we shared on FB, the last month of his posts on line and all the texting still found on my phone. In an attempt to understand, find a trail, see if there were signs that I might have missed. To become aware as I was backtracking that there was a lot of information there now in the close light of scrutiny that showed things were not going as good in the direction I thought we were in agreement on in his moving forward to his new job.
Today I find peace in the fact I was seeing him successful, and happy as with each talk he made progress forward toward the life that was calling him forward. Except for his not confiding in me about his lady friend, but for one remembered conversation about his not bringing her up because of a fear of what it might do to our long time relationship as friends who lived thousands of miles apart. With only one possible meeting back in October of this last year when he came down to Texas for a shooting match and my circumstances did not allow me to drive the 400 miles up to visit with him and watch him compete.
That morning conversation finding out that sometime recently in the same time of his job loss, having to relocate to another state and being out of work for 3 months before the new job became a reality, she had told him he would never replace her husband who had also committed suicide. “She could never love him!”
This hit me in a place I least expected it to.
I have been seeing someone, with this teeter tottering over my latest learning situation… I found many attractive, interesting and amazing things about this individual… while at the same time, several old patterns of thoughts from my past kept popping up. My mind “working diligently on keeping the positive thoughts out to the forefront, with the constant reminder of “this or something better” ringing in my head.
Today after my meditation, when I awakened from a short nap where I woke up from a remembering my friend, with a slight nudge back toward where I was at minutes before the text about his choice with his life. The light went back on so strongly over how much I have learned how to love living life alone. I play with my time and create awesomely when I am happy, fully enjoying each moment and things just manifest left and right.
Yes this present man did just manifest out of nowhere. Yes he has many of the physical qualities on my desire list, and yes I could “work” at having this all turn out. Except I have been trying to be open to the possibilities of something better, fun, easy, that feels good… All The Time.
Quoting Geneviee Behrend from Your Invisible Power:
“Your mental picture is the force of attraction which evolves and combines with Origination Substance into specific shape. Your picture is the combining and evolving power house, in a generative sense, so to say, through which the Originating Creative Spirit expresses itself. Its creative actions is limitless, without beginning and without end, and always progressive and orderly. “It proceeds stage by stage, each stage being a necessary preparation for the one to follow.”
Yes I attracted an eligible, possible, interested man. “BUT” there were so many buts, yes there were lots of my list there, but I was checking them off the wrong way, from information gathered that all stated the pieces were there if I wanted “work” to put them together in the format I am wanting…. Instead of look I am progressing forward in necessary preparation for what I am going to have with the right man.
SHEESH… I had a fantastic time last night at work, flirting and cutting up with men that are friends of mine. It is fun, easy, entertaining and draws life through me. Wow, exactly what I am stepping toward.
My friend’s message to me seemed to say “Love yourself, first, foremost and completely… You will never be happy if you settle” I could feel his support for my heart’s desire… Not my head and how to make another project work. “Keep my eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole”, focusing steadily upon the good feeling, easy, fun, whole, wonderful, loving , richly supported relationship that I can feel, sense and now touch all around me.
Kind of a rambling post… but I wrote this for me in an awareness of the quote I keep posted on my computer screen:
“That constant desire to please all the time—that can get you in some shit.”
— Robin Williams
If it helps someone else that’s great. If not that’s okay to, for I have let myself off of the hook of believing anybody else’s rules or standards need to apply to my own heart and dreams!
Last Thursday the words just started pouring out onto the page…
Listen said the wind, gently playing in my ear
Softly, quietly, to the words that venture near
Feel the darkness calling, beckoning your name
Seeking now to tell you, there is nothing to this shame
Find the inner knowing, hidden buried much too deep
All those very sacred wishes, are still here for you to reap
Listen to it whisper, patterns of remembrance on your skin dear
Gently, stirring and arousing things you were taught and learned to fear
Silently you’ve been seeking, a way out of all this pain
Asking, working, breathing, any and every way to fully live again
Trust these feelings, thoughts, and whisperings within you still alive
More than mere imaginings, they are the real you that you hide
No more pretending, treading gently, heeding traditions from the past
Let the new in, take it slowly, allow each moment fully now to last.
Slept for 6 more hours on and off in the middle of the day. To be awoken from a dream that was so vivid, all physical sensations present except the smell of my surroundings:
I was wandering through some market place, naked, when I came upon this art gallery displaying kids pencil drawings on large old brown paper bags. All of the sacks had various 1st and 2nd grade type art of the dreams of each child of who they wished to become or do when they grow up.
All of the various bags were hung up with old wooden clothes pins, on rainbow primary colors yarn crisscrossing in each room through this one entire building in this old stucco market square.
When I noticed the drawings were for sale to raise money, and I began to realize the artists were children from the local school I drive for. So I began searching through the drawings looking for my friend’s daughter’s name. When an assistant to the gallery came up to help me and after we could not find the particular girl’s work, we called her mother, asking her to help us come up and search for it.
She arrived moments later and the first thing she spied was the light, lilac, giant stranded wool sweater I was carrying draped across my arm. Commenting on how much she loved the pattern of the knitters’ work, when across her shoulder I saw the man whom when we were teesn I adored, but had been banned from dating, going into one of the other rooms. She caught my sudden movement as I stopped to follow after him with my gaze. When she prodded me to go get dressed while she would tell him I was there. She then pushed me into the adjoining room to slip on the long oversized, rough textured body sweater. As I finish pulling the sweater on I could see him across the parking lot, looking tall, tired, and older, smoking a cigarette dressed in a light tan caftan shirt, dark charcoal grey business type trousers.
A meeting was set up for later in the day at some college where he was taking drafting courses. I arrived to go into the room just to left of his classroom. I watched as he came in to the room I was standing in the dark of the farthest corner of. Observing as he came in and began this religious ceremony that reminded me of the ceremonies of one who studies the religion of worshipping Allah with prayer before a small alter always toward the western sky. In my mind I was comparing how much each of us had changed from the loving constraints of our well-meaning parents as to what religion was best for us.
I waited till his ritual was over before I went up to him, touched his shoulder so that he would know I was there. As he turned to me, I saw this deep, tired expression on his face like carrying the world of expectation of what it was I probably wanted now. While in the background played Chistina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” as I began to lead him over to the prayer mats on the ground next to the sacred pool.
Assuming a crossed legged position, I beckoned him to join me and we watched as many different videos played in small floating colorful square framed holograms of singular flowers, displayed with each playing a different healing melody around the edges of the pool. I could feel the sense of ease as with each different tune, some old memory of pain floated up from within and was released.
After all of this sense of past struggle left my body. I reached for his hand and told him thank you… I finally understood. He looked at me with relief and release spilling down his face, to then ask me if this was truly all I had asked to meet him for. I said yes and wished him the peace and love I now felt coursing through every fiber of my being… Awakening to an immense sense of change deep within, followed by the incessant need to write it all down.
Such an interesting morning to finally find myself writing after my last few weeks of dreams and imaginings to sign in to my computer and find confirmation in posts from friends about how we can best assist or change others is always by “our” thoughts and choices…
Yesterday I was prompted by this inner voice to look up the bible verses about Saul’s conversion after being blinded on the road to Damascus: “Acts 9:17 Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit. 18 Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, 19 and after taking some food, he regained his strength.”
The line about ” something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes” caused an electricity of energy to pulse through me and I clearly saw in my minds eye that the scales where like the ones for measuring weights. For it to then dawn on me how much we are “taught” to measure others by the standards that have been pressed upon us to be correct for the normalcy of the people we live with, hang out with, in the city, county, country or society we buy into. Taught always to be seeking to help change others into the ideas “we believe are best for them”, when the biggest change occurs when we love another completely, no limitations, no judgement… by just being aware of how what we are projecting about another is something we feel is wrong about ourselves that will be better… if the other person would change. To then find the same thing to constantly showing up in others as an indicator of what we are thinking, believing, and living is right or wrong by some standard we have learned that we are uncomfortable with, until we realize the only change comes from within.
Interesting enough as I am reveling in these very thoughts, I hear my son and his friend playing an X box game in the other room and the word “zombie” comes up… To find the voice in my head stating the thing so many people are talking about “the zombie apocalypse” is already upon so many already… who listen, read, regurgitate what the “press” (pressed upon us) news, advertisement, radio, tv, insurances, etc find a way to constantly have n front of or around us to seep into us to buy into the “belief” in fascination, fear, and the false sense of by doing whatever they say is right we will conform to feel safe and fit in.
Finding for myself in these last two months of continuous work at 2 full time jobs to the point of being able to just eat, sleep, see my son for meals and feed my horses as an interesting (in retrospect) much needed sabbatical.
Culminating in what felt like some cold coming on with the last 5 days of a low level fever, burning up on the inside, which so aided me in opening up and letting go of some really deep old buried beliefs that were so ingrained in me. Seemingly the only way for my body to assist me to discover, examine, and finally let go of all of these learned, bought into habits of beliefs… to find a deeper connection to God within in me.
The biggest awakening point coming after the total exhaustion into a deep, immersed in relief, sleep Tuesday… which was followed after waking by the words “Be still and know that I am God” with each intake of breath that I fully breathed in and then released. The entire sensation lasted for about 30 minutes with a feeling of connectiveness I have not experienced since my starting back on the journey to find the spiritual connection I had known from my NDE years ago. This being followed by small constant revelations of the unique perfectness of every part of me as me. Whom I have, do and will continue to encounter daily in others as being perfect examples of how and where I need to love all of me, by loving, appreciating and accepting every aspect of another as a mirror of something about me. Aware now it is always my ability to do something about this, when I pay attention to my each and every thought in my head, ever before it comes out of my mouth.
With love to all of you who have helped me to breakthrough to this deeper realization of me, in your sharing of your various tools, ways, ideas, and investments in becoming the all of who “YOU” wonderfully, individually and uniquely are!
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!