Monthly Archives: November 2011

What Just Screwing Around Might Cause…

First thought of the day after letting go and finding my inner kid. My brat, my favorite personality in creating, crafting, and making something for someone else. Seems yesterday’s last minute stop everything need to write to myself. Caused the most awesome relating back to me by several of you, in your comments I found before I retired last night. Allowing for all the silliness that found me in my dreams, much of that from incidents in my past. Which last night showed up in my dreams to inspire, okay, remind me of the goofy, screwball I turn into, the minute I truly “know” what someone desires, needs or truly longs for, to then only talk themselves out of.

I always, always, always, “Use to” have fun with it! My mom loved cut flowers, but could not stand for someone to spend money on something dead. My solutions: One year I sent her a dozen roses, all with ribbons and balloons which she had to go down to the front desk to receive, then carry all the way through the complex she worked in back to the top floor… the fun was in they were chocolate chip cookies (her total weakness and favorite) made into rose buds and flowers. Another year we use to own a vineyard, where I learned in the treatment of the vines for many molds, diseases and bugs. Roses can be utilized in they attracted all the same things, but being lower to the ground would show symptoms first, indicating the time to treat the vineyard without a calendar for reminders. My solution, check with the local rose expert as to what would grow in our soil, get the rest of my sisters to chip in, 24 rose bushes later, planted on alternate rows at opposite ends of the vineyard, which allowed the rose buds to be cut and trimmed for the health, growth and benefit of the plant. All but one of the rose bushes, were direct sunlight lovers. I had also checked for the specifics of a black opened to luscious red, long stemmed beauty which needed constant shade to thrive and survive, it fit perfectly on the end. Where next to first row of vines stood a gigantic oak which shaded the entrance. My mother got the joy and beauty of all those colorful cut blossoms yearlong up until she died, filling the bowls in all the rooms in her house. I got to have my fun, screwing around in my mind, until I could hatch the perfect scheme, plan, idea for her to have both, roses and practicality, all in my having fun, loving life, and truly caring about the complete outcomes.

So as I am driving this morning, I think about my riding, a whole week off, just handling them, ground work, brushing, grooming. No desire to ride, kind of deep in thought, only fully working the one outside horse who is due to leave next week. Nothing inside of me wants to play with them as far as riding is concerned, just want to be, breathing, noticing, thinking, and finally feeling for what’s next. All I get is allow, it’s okay, it’s not time yet, just be with them. So I do, I write, I watch, I am. Then bingo, right after I post my second post of the day yesterday, the fairies of the universe email the video I post about the awesome winning ride of Stacy Westfall. My heart starts pumping, my mind wakes up, every part of me breathes in the excitement, and the dream comes pulsing to the forefront. I am alive, I am excited, I am intensely awake, I know what it is I am headed toward.

The dream; to run, as fast as we can go as a team, a combination of speed, agility, timing and grace that spills into the arena in an awakening spark of interest in others. Because of the passion, the love, the aplomb, and the connection I had discovered long ago, just kept waiting on the support of another, which I finally found in the last 29 days of all of this writing, sharing, and caring of and about myself… I now give myself all of my support to be me, love whatever it is I am about, and have fun with it because having fun is what life is supposed to be about!

Instead of Doublemint… A Double Post!

Another drive, with more time to think, to ponder today, and these “stuffed” feelings. Not exactly sure what they mean or where they are coming from. Just that they are here, prevalent, demanding. No, more like aggravating me into paying attention.As I sat wondering how much of this is coming from my last few minutes on the computer when I was going back through my previous posts. Fascinated at the beckoning thought trail that was present, yet unable to find the any idea of or toward the possible next logical step.Going through and reading the old posts to kind of making sure I hadn’t found this step then charged right over it.
So I drove, felt, and looked for any signs to point me to an answer. Something more plausible and explainable than just the sudden extremely tight feel of my clothes, the seat, the seatbelt, even the steering wheel was giving off the feel of way to tight. Where is the release button, I pondered in my mind, then I remembered reading Holly Coker’s post about shoving down feelings with food. The minute I thought about it I felt my whole being go bingo, right path, feel for the answer, feel for yourself, find what you have been shoving in, off, around, even away.
So I allowed… drove…allowed…breathed…
My feeling was food, more simple fruits. Drink, more ice, water, give the coffee a rest. Hmmm, write when you feel like it, let go of the scheduling, it’s okay to have it all. The only rules you need follow are your own… new rules that are much looser, much more flexible and a whole lot more inspired, impulsive… Remember you are suppose to be having fun! Please! You promised! I heard the little kid in me begging me to be good to me.
Those were the coolest words to type…because the answer only came when I blew off everything else, and just came in here to communicate with me! 🙂

One Degree of Difference

Thirty-three degrees is what was on the blinking sign showing the current temperature as I headed to my bus job. Minus the coffee I had set up and prepared last night then double checked the timer re-set for 5, sigh… so early. Which in all of my preparations of last night, I neglected to push the auto button on so that the coffee would be ready for me just before I went out the door. In passing by the sign I thought about how just one more degree less and it would be freezing, the degree in separation of ice or not, the degree of button on or off, the degree of looking for the positive or finding the frustration in the negative.

So much of one’s life is defined by the choice of how to see and interpret their view.  As in driving down the road in the dark, do I look at how dark it is and moan “its’ still early”. Not noticing, the sparkling of the slight frost, lighting the places it now covers in a blanket of white highlighted by the headlights passing by. See the dark inky uninviting sky in the west or as the corner of my eye pans the broader view to notice the slight lightening of blue, to what quickly becomes a definite trail of deep glowing orange signaling the rising sun. I become lost in the glory of the  picture rapidly unfolding before me, as the sun slowly heralds its arrival with a glowing dome of burning orange, which edges the dark night back, away from the approaching day.

Once again I become aware of my choices in this last week of small degrees of change. I have found in each day as I slow my mind down to be aware, slower to react, more about paying attention, feeling for the difference I can make, when I choose how to see my view.

The time off from a massive load of 5 or more horses to ride or train, getting up before the crack of dawn, hustling from one job to another, all so my life will “work”.  Instead of to just slow down, feel for, and then do the next logical step. All theses so called layers of learning, all perfectly presented and wrapped. The huge load of responsibility to do the right thing, to fit in, to have everything I have pay for itself, to make everything work.

Wow, the degree of difference in learning to allow… the coffee cake whose crust was too thick and hard the day made, allowed to sit in the icebox, the next day turned into this wonderful, melting, fruit, spice, delectable treat. The son who in asking about his face, now that he wanted to know, suddenly finds his skin clearing up, with the simple difference of wiping a soapy rag across versus actually scrubbing briskly, comfortably till it tingles.

Much of my life has now become easier. I get an idea, I focus upon it, how I want it to feel, turn out, become. Seeing all the players comfortable, willing, competent …asking for guidance or information as to what is desired. I let go, I allow, and whoosh… the Universe delivers. I now realize my wishing to be different, to just be me…really is the right path!

Connections, Connectedness, Contacts…Is There A Dotted Line?

This morning woke up hungry, which in and of itself is sort of unusual, considering my choice of breakfast sustenance is generally, quick, easy, minimal with a beverage of choice to match whatever the weather. Which this morning was colder than yesterday, by about a 10 degrees. The biggest difference being felt in the hard blowing gusts of  wind, that were at times, fully inundated with the sand found so much more present following this year’s drought, as it pelted the face, sucking down into one’s clothes, one’s ears, nose and any other opening that was readily and easily available. Especially when one chose to walk out the door figuring it really wasn’t that bad, till a gust, jerked off your hat, tore open your jacket, then slammed the closest now airborne object full into you, the surging, buffeting north winds now ruling the out of doors.
Finally getting all the animals fed, the hay into the wind troughs, the doors all closed during the lulls of wind, I ducked back inside for my coffee, a re-shower to fix the raccoon face caused by the accumulation of dust firmly etched upon my face, fully depicting the glasses usually worn for sun protection that I have learned do a pretty good job as wind goggles. With the added plus pile of sand I found after I pulled off all of my clothes, each layer showing the power of the Universe to rearrange the local landscape as it sees fit, without our help.

Clean, clothed, hungry for a breakfast fixed and served to me by another. I headed to town, swung by dropped off some bills, fascinated by the small sandstorms I encountered even in town, more signs of  the lack of rain over a much longer than usual period. Allowing me to still find my way, as I patiently drove slower than usual, my meal important, but these last few months, my awareness to what was truly causing the goings on in my life. Always on the lookout for signs, reflections and sightings, to feel and figure out the next logical step.

Getting to the restaurant, which like the small town seemed almost deserted  just one or two vehicles in the parking lot, without the open sign lit up to indicate it as an early morning place of welcome respite for food and drink. Thought to myself how much all of this was a sign of a slow, quiet, leisurely sleepy Sunday or just maybe not many others on the move to eat by 8. That’s okay, today I am not in an impressing mood.
The minute I thought that, I wondered how long I had lived my life worried, concerned, or maybe just aware of what other’s might think, say, or care. Then the dots, the ones I had been connecting slowly for the last few years, more quickly the last few months, and most rapidly lately as I was truly learning to feel for who I was. All of me paused, aware again of the years of training, to jump through hoops, to keep others smiling, approving, happy, so they would be okay, and all for what? What did I get out of making them happy, for their sake? Where did I get so caught up in taking care of others first?

My mind going back to the last few books, and videos I had perused, pondered and re-done over and over again, all about this tendency of catering to others first. Feeling something was there that I if I just listened to it long enough I could find the piece of the puzzle of me, that still felt, just a little bit skewed.

Then I felt it, WOW, I was so tuned into others, I could suddenly feel why I have been just eking out a living, paying the bills, getting by, doing, but lost. Lost because I have  jumped on the bandwagon for any and all who have come into my existence, my playground, my world, changing most anything and everything about me so they would be okay. Only until I would lose it, get angry out of pure frustration of being last.

But wait a minute. I was the one who did it to me. I was the one saying “NO” to me and “yes” to them because somewhere  when others told me I was not enough, and I felt awful inside I thought it was because they were right about me. Suddenly realizing that awful feeling was me telling me they were wrong about me. It was me saying “Don’t listen to them if it makes us (me, myself and I) feel bad. We are wonderful, God made us in his image. God is Love. Wonderful, complete, all encompassing, unconditional love.  They are just a mirror of what we have been taught will make us feel better; when we judge, manage, and fix another to “our” standards of who they should be to please us. Instead of feeling for who we are, really are inside. 

Wow, suddenly everyone in the restaurant looked different. Suddenly I felt this locked up sense of wonder, fully engulf me as I accepted things were okay, I was figuring it out. I might not have it all of the pieces of it yet…But that too is okay.  It’s just the first day in this journey of days!

This thought justappeared in my mind. One I know because of my last week’s reprisal from asteady constant flow of doing-ness. Allowing me to get more in touch and intune with me, the me that has been quietly (well taught, trained, and restrained)expectantly (hope, faith, and passion keep the flame tended and lit) patiently(I love me, is growing andbecoming I love me) As these thoughts keep pushing, like a seed that sheds its hullto become a seedling. I am finding who I am in my writings to me.

Discovering in thisnew/old tool that I am allowing myself to sprout wings and use them, encouragedby the changes in my external world. Which as I write out my desires andreestablish my connection to me, even as I share this with others. I have learned,experienced and now understand, the only important thing in my writings is tobe in love with “my” choices, about me, for me, with me. Others comments nowread or looked at, to help me hone, shape, and create where I am headed. What Iexpect to have, now with the resource of my written focal point, which I can edit,change, add or detract from, on the way to each and every desire as it comesinto my place of further awareness. From what I generally want, begins the changesto become more defined, more focal, more exact.

Suddenly a newfreedom for others pops in my head… I allow this impulse to just be, makeanother cup of coffee, open the door to see how this morning’s weather hasprogressed, looking for a sign to be privileged and encouraged in this pursuit.I spy the hawk which folds its wings, steps off of the power pole it has beenperched upon, to glide slowly, magnificently, to and fro over the adjoining field,up to and within feet of the doorway I stand watching in. To then continue itsflight with a single solitarily flap of its wings, continuing its effortless glide,down the hill, over the lower altitude trees, one more flap, a circle, as itcontinues to allow the breeze to aid it in its journey. Sensing this is thesign, that all of my rehearsal has now come to a larger conclusion about to be sharedwith the world.

I go online; I putthe query in for blog sights. This one draws my attention, I read, peruse,check into its opening page, and another question comes to mind “How do I knowthis is where I wish/need to start?” Once again a query in the search bar aboutblogging sites online, which leads me to words and titles in the proposedselections that “feel” like the answers I am seeking. The reading and sortingthrough thoughts, comparison of results sift through my mind, filtered by mymatching gut feeling, then assured by the synchronistic reading which includesthis site in articles I have chosen.

So I’m in, sign up, confirmI am who I am sign in, go to refill my drink and walk back to find the door hasbeen blown open welcoming my sight to the wonderful cool weather, with its brightsunshine, in front of the shades of gray clouds marching the incoming coldfront across the sky!
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