This morning woke up hungry, which in and of itself is sort of unusual, considering my choice of breakfast sustenance is generally, quick, easy, minimal with a beverage of choice to match whatever the weather. Which this morning was colder than yesterday, by about a 10 degrees. The biggest difference being felt in the hard blowing gusts of wind, that were at times, fully inundated with the sand found so much more present following this year’s drought, as it pelted the face, sucking down into one’s clothes, one’s ears, nose and any other opening that was readily and easily available. Especially when one chose to walk out the door figuring it really wasn’t that bad, till a gust, jerked off your hat, tore open your jacket, then slammed the closest now airborne object full into you, the surging, buffeting north winds now ruling the out of doors.
Finally getting all the animals fed, the hay into the wind troughs, the doors all closed during the lulls of wind, I ducked back inside for my coffee, a re-shower to fix the raccoon face caused by the accumulation of dust firmly etched upon my face, fully depicting the glasses usually worn for sun protection that I have learned do a pretty good job as wind goggles. With the added plus pile of sand I found after I pulled off all of my clothes, each layer showing the power of the Universe to rearrange the local landscape as it sees fit, without our help.
Clean, clothed, hungry for a breakfast fixed and served to me by another. I headed to town, swung by dropped off some bills, fascinated by the small sandstorms I encountered even in town, more signs of the lack of rain over a much longer than usual period. Allowing me to still find my way, as I patiently drove slower than usual, my meal important, but these last few months, my awareness to what was truly causing the goings on in my life. Always on the lookout for signs, reflections and sightings, to feel and figure out the next logical step.
Getting to the restaurant, which like the small town seemed almost deserted just one or two vehicles in the parking lot, without the open sign lit up to indicate it as an early morning place of welcome respite for food and drink. Thought to myself how much all of this was a sign of a slow, quiet, leisurely sleepy Sunday or just maybe not many others on the move to eat by 8. That’s okay, today I am not in an impressing mood.
The minute I thought that, I wondered how long I had lived my life worried, concerned, or maybe just aware of what other’s might think, say, or care. Then the dots, the ones I had been connecting slowly for the last few years, more quickly the last few months, and most rapidly lately as I was truly learning to feel for who I was. All of me paused, aware again of the years of training, to jump through hoops, to keep others smiling, approving, happy, so they would be okay, and all for what? What did I get out of making them happy, for their sake? Where did I get so caught up in taking care of others first?
My mind going back to the last few books, and videos I had perused, pondered and re-done over and over again, all about this tendency of catering to others first. Feeling something was there that I if I just listened to it long enough I could find the piece of the puzzle of me, that still felt, just a little bit skewed.
Then I felt it, WOW, I was so tuned into others, I could suddenly feel why I have been just eking out a living, paying the bills, getting by, doing, but lost. Lost because I have jumped on the bandwagon for any and all who have come into my existence, my playground, my world, changing most anything and everything about me so they would be okay. Only until I would lose it, get angry out of pure frustration of being last.
But wait a minute. I was the one who did it to me. I was the one saying “NO” to me and “yes” to them because somewhere when others told me I was not enough, and I felt awful inside I thought it was because they were right about me. Suddenly realizing that awful feeling was me telling me they were wrong about me. It was me saying “Don’t listen to them if it makes us (me, myself and I) feel bad. We are wonderful, God made us in his image. God is Love. Wonderful, complete, all encompassing, unconditional love. They are just a mirror of what we have been taught will make us feel better; when we judge, manage, and fix another to “our” standards of who they should be to please us. Instead of feeling for who we are, really are inside.
Wow, suddenly everyone in the restaurant looked different. Suddenly I felt this locked up sense of wonder, fully engulf me as I accepted things were okay, I was figuring it out. I might not have it all of the pieces of it yet…But that too is okay. It’s just the first day in this journey of days!