Monthly Archives: December 2011
I no more than finished that last thought and the pain just dissipated, it was so easy, so simple, to just be in the moment. So overjoyed with the simplicity of it all, I came in read the comment from Lisa, so comfortable about connecting with my true spirit, not my physical reality. The rest of the day just flew. Great fun lessons, easy to “work with” horses, all of the day just fitting easily, simply into place, giving me a new found respect for my ability to listen to God talking to me through the body he has given me. I so love all of this.
Cold, crisp and clear with just the hint of pink fog off the river down below the hill and with an extremely clear sky, more differences to note as I fed. Came in for coffee and biscuits, the desire for the phone numbers presently still lost to me in my locked up phone, till I can go into town to get it repaired. So a quick email for the most important numbers is sent out to those I communicate with most often. Which interestingly enough set off a chain of events when two of the contacts put in calls promptlyback to me so I could just save the numbers. Both of them also calling with more information about the proposed arena and school, their views, ideas, and thoughts, each agreeing to stop in later to talk. About then I noticed the time, signed off and started getting ready for the day’s schedule.
First horse still moving slowly after his mishap with the fence, though still readily listening and following my body and my mood as I noticed the time, which corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my lesson. She is standing straighter, moving easier as we start her lesson. I notice her intent, her desire to learn more and expand her knowledge both about horses and this energy work I do. We have a really good, moving forward lesson, with her easily and aptly asking more questions, doing lots of thinking until her eyes light up, as she realizes her body has found the right feel and movement. She suddenly quits trying to think her way forward and allows the rhythm and movement of the dance as the feeling of partnership finds her. When we get to the end of the session as I am doing my normal follow up questions, she remarks to me how she appreciates what all of this paying attention to how her energy reacts with the horse’s has done for her. Providing her with the information she has been looking for as to why she attracted the kind of men from before. She has discovered her boundaries are changing just in the two short sessions we have had. We set the time for the next session, say our goodbyes and I grin knowing I am receiving conformation from the Universe I am going the right way.
Then both of my friends from earlier, pull in the drive way with in minutes of each other, turns out they have met before under different circumstances. We all laugh at the synchronicity of life. Then I show them the area under consideration, we each contribute our ideas and for the next 30 minutes have a short introductory of where we each coming from, setting up a general game plan to meet again in the next three days. Each person required to make notations of any and every idea, to then have a sit down, pow-wow to come up with the major mission statement and ways to tie all this stuff into a long range business plan. Every one leaves jazzed and prepared to take more steps toward our overall dream. The best part being it is so much easier to share with like-minded individuals… I so feel good about my life, my dreams, my steps forward and upward.
Big sigh, as I see the sun so wonderfully enveloping the entire room as it climbs in the morning sky to dry out the cold, dampness from the last two weeks of “yes” much needed rain for this and the entire state of Texas. Funny how the Universe knew to match my moods where I have been searching, digging, excavating and discovering the root parts of me, buried so deeply, safely away, to avoid further humiliation, distress, uncertainty and all the other old stuff that finally found me after Christmas with my family last night. I watched the inter changes, listened to the talks, heard the general tone, and dynamics of those I care about. Wondering, how I could help, what all of this was really reflecting back to me about me. With real fun at the gift exchange part, followed by quick noticeable departures, I felt so strongly from others mirrored inside me, just with no real answers.
My youngest and I said our goodbye’s, loaded up our stuff, and departed with me driving, thinking, and aware. Getting home to my horses out in the yard, the youngest swearing he had closed everything as he rounded them up, talking ugly to them under his breath for their awareness of his hurrying earlier and evidently not checking to see all gates latched and closed properly from the enquiring expertise of my gate artists. Animals re-corralled, fed, watered, hayed, latches, gates thoroughly checked and all lights turned out. Came inside to put away the dishes, showered, and a few games of solitaire for my mind still thinking, considering and searching for the answers, since nothing showed itself I went to bed. To dreams about men, loose horses, and hedges with holes, and fence lines that were under construction, some places completely missing and others with odd patching’s.
Woke up, reminded my youngest of our agreement for him to do the morning feeding, went and made the fixings for breakfast. He was not moving quite fast enough for my morning mood, and as I felt this annoying consistent anger rise. I could feel how out of place, inappropriate, misguided and off base where it was directed at. So I asked myself “what gives?” All of me answered back “you’re mad at yourself, cause your afraid to move any closer to your dream!” I felt the anger drain away, I knew what I had just said to me was right. I have been frozen in fear, just like the side of my face, because what if I’m wrong, what if I get duped again, what if…. What if… what it?
I got some coffee, 2 biscuits with jam, turned on the computer, pulled up the program for drawing, opened it, but instead of letting it frustrate or stop me cause I don’t know how to use it yet. I opened the desktop publishing program I am extremely comfortable and familiar with. Allowing my now open to the possibility I could fail, but at least movement is forward motion. Decided on what tools I would need if I were to hand draw it. First thought graph paper, so I pulled up graph paper images, copied, pasted one to my open page. Went back outside, measured the distances on my property, then crossed the fence and measured out the distances on the proposed adjoining property next door. Came back in and put all these now easy pieces together.
Things kind of a got a lot easier, when I figured out the only one keeping me from anything has been me. I have failed before, but I generally figure it out and then one, two, five or more times later I have really much better end results than when I started. So here goes…. Oh yes Margarita, this I attribute to your wonderfully observant and in-depth answer from before!
I wandered out to feed and spy something amiss in the round pen, where I had turned the new horse loose for the wind break and more room to move. He must have decided he would rather be in his initial pen, because he has moved two sides of my round pen with the gate into a shoot formation twenty feet closer to his old pen. I had forgotten how big and powerful draft horses can be and he has deftly brought me a reminder of the force behind attention coupled intention. So fence work is now added to the day’s work.
Get all animals fed, turn on the stove, fix the coffee and pop in some biscuits. My son wanders in with my gift, I reward him with his breakfast and the reminder of the movie theatre treat later today. We sit to eat, and I check his phone which is still not charging, asking for his assistance to discover I have the charger hooked into the earpiece connection. All feeling silly pick out a movie for breakfast and what a hoot “Elvis Has Left the Building” older flick with Kim Bassinger… we laughed, and laughed. The entire morning even repairing the pen was full of fun.
When a thought found its way to me, about how very many I am fantastic with that I quit doing, because the encouragement to follow that pursuit was always hinged with the things I could do to improve it. Another big insight into how I have allowed the outside opinions to affect me…
I splurge for lunch, I taught my youngest how to fix rice stuffing, prepare, stuff and truss to Cornish game hens, then baste every twenty minutes. To then chow down in style in front of the movie, thoroughly enjoying the weather forcing another full day off on Christmas…how cool is that. We then go to the movies the newest “Sherlock Holmes” have a blast, feeling all successful, ready for my completely new way of life…starting tomorrow in a more consistant present tense… Thanks Marguirette!
Had invited him to go to the movies with me, he opted to stay home and borrow the computer. We agreed on the terms, which he was then checked on for an almost A+ performance. I in waiting for the okay he was done, several times got the message from the Universe… Slow down… really feel your way… really check to see what it is “you” want to do for you… check to really, really, feel who you are trying to please.
Several things crossed my mind, and then by double and triple checking I decided otherwise.
I gave him the okay, and headed off for the show driving in really slow, drizzly, damp, grey cold, mist. Paid for my ticket and then bought their movie night out packages for the upcoming Chinese Christmas with my family Monday. I went to see “We Bought A Zoo”, perfect story line and feelings for my current place in life. So glad I had opted for my jacket over the long sleeves and sweater after I got into the theatre because it was colder in there than out in the concession area. The pretzel was warm and filling, the cola helped the chill bumps. I was in this place of knowing something else is coming, almost here, any minute, but I am learning to enjoy the moment, and relax it will get here when it is supposed to.
Stop by a tea for later, a few scratch offs and an actual lottery ticket. Get home, we both just scrounge for something to snack on. I heat mine up, he goes to feed, then heats up his, we find a movie to watch. My phone goes off with a text message, and freezes… hmmm, then his refuses to hold a charge, and the sound on the movie from online quits. I do a quick survey of phones to think about, consider, kind of sleep on the idea of them. Do a quick email to all current owners and students of the temporary other number to use. Figure this day off thing is definitely an all day, no communication with others, as I continue to re-write my life and desires to make sure they are truly “all” about “my” dreams and goals from my heart! The school, arena, barns, writing, and teaching individually tailored to how another thinks, ingest, understands, and learns… It Is So About To Be My Total Reality!
Wandered outside to feed, ducking back in quickly for another layer, the temperature dipping another 10 degrees since yesterday’s storm. Cold, damp, air, that on my second venture outside was allowing me to be greeted by the rolling fog off of the warmer river casually meandering across the fields in my direction. Allowing me to ponder as I fed, the last few errands for the Christmas weekend, organizing my quick trip to town in my mind after my first cup of coffee.
Stepped in the bathroom started the shower so the water would be hot for when I go in, quickly put together my coffee maker, turned it on and then stepped into the waiting heat of the cascading water. Just standing there, letting it run, pell mell all over every part of me, feeling as if it was loosening and removing the layers that yesterday’s discovery had dislodged. Ten full minutes of just pounding, pulsing, cleansing water…then I added soap, lather, the cloth and scrubbed myself fully awake. Stepped out, dried off, got organized and off to town, coffee in my mug, several last minute shopping stops, and finally back home, so freaking tired, exhaustion oozing from every pore. So amazed at how much I had been fighting, and arguing with myself over it just had to be the “no” issue. Yet now, the total relief of just that one different realization, so tired, so glad to let it all go, with just horses still to do.
So I decide on easy, just lunging my four, all who come out so full and so feisty in such wickedly cold weather, after being kept in because of the sloppy footing from yesterday. I allow the play at the end of the line for each horse, the silliness, snorting, begging to be let go without the having to pay attention. I wait, I follow, I ask, more silliness from each one, until they get the edge off, come back, ears up, asking, hoping I will quit when they beg, but then aware of how much more centered I have become. Each in turn finally, drops their head to ask, come to me, breathing hard, but listening, waiting, and then I turn each one loose, till I am only left with the new guy.
Mine I know well what to expect on a super cold day with no turn out the day before. Him?? Well we shall see. I walk into his pen, he comes up, quietly, respectfully allowing me to halter him. Behaves almost flawlessly at grooming, saddling, in close warm up, and much more laid back on the lunge line, I am impressed. So I mount up, and have the most wonderful, listening, trying, learning steed for the next thirty minutes. Pleased with the ease of it all, my body thanking him, knowing I need the healing of taking things slow, restful, calm as I finish ingesting how much energy I had been using as I tenaciously held on against myself, all that trying so hard to make the wrong answer right.
But I congratulate myself, I can feel a tremendous difference, I feel a peace that I had known was near enough to sense, just hadn’t quite figured out the entire puzzle of my twisted threads, which now easily dangle in the breeze. Drying out, relaxing, and glistening anew on this day of nothingness. Just being, me, more whole than I can ever remember. I can do this!
This morning I began searching, looking, seeking for any other places in my life where my saying “no” meant nothing. My last week has been besieged with opportunities to get to the last few knots, that were still tangling up this, what appeared to be thread of the word and power of my personal no. The college investigation for a possible place to attend, has had the wonderful help and guidance we all receive when we ask, allow and trust that we are provided with answers to any question we ask.
My first question was if I really wanted to go back to school and the factors to consider. Being that of the amount of time, which would be answered by knowing what I was trying to accomplish, in my case was does one need a degree to write? Then if one pursues that line of thinking, what type of degree, how much of my previous schooling is applicable, that amount then subtracted by the amount of hours required by the school of choice, and of those hours required, which hours really have anything to do with me actually writing, anytime soon. Then add the final questions to the mix of where the funding will come from, and how much time will I give up before I am deemed ready, able or even apt to being a writer.
So many things to consider, so I threw out my baited hook… single mom, low income, disadvantaged, business owner, eligible for grants, loans and government financing. Funny part is I didn’t realize my own value till I filled out an application for aide, selected the few colleges recommended by family and friends. Then it was like, let the games begin, just with the Universe/God on my side. That translates into, if I asked a specific question, the computer and internet were flawless. If a college or source tried to persuade, push, or manage me into a particular round hole, that square ole me not only did not fit, but was not the least interested in budging. The computer would close, lose the connection, change screens, etc. Till I really started noticing and following the guidance, easily stopping when things went awry, and politely dismissing those institutions’ that were easily showing up in the not that way column.
Today’s particularly persistent university had 8 emails with urgency put on each one, from several different departments, after my email Monday that I was no longer interested. I had woken up this morning, knowing a major storm had blown through last night, opening the door to a be-sodden pasture and pens soaked with over 4 inches of rain. To which I knew meant other than feeding and short turn outs, riding was off. I knew my day could be spent running the last errands for Christmas just days away. My work had called checks were in early, I made a deal with my youngster to do a few chores for me while I was out and I would make it worth his while on my return. He agreed, I loaded up the huge collection of old things and trash to complete my elimination of this last year’s discards and off I went, expecting the other piece to surface I had been sensing were at hand.
Dropped off the trash, then the stuff to Good Will, picked up my check, (wow no bonus, hmmm) went to the bank, then fuel, then the store, dropped off the electric check and stopped for two drinks for him and me. Came home to no answer when I honked to help unload, walked in and nothing was done, but tons of excuses. So much frustration, anger, confusion, just boiled out, till I heard something inside tell me I was safe, I wouldn’t be punished for being mad, this was his path of least resistance, he was in need of this lesson. I got calmer, and we cleaned for the next two hours, contacted a service I pay for on line, and instead of having to pay this month’s fee, was blessed with $100 savings, from an old credit just recently applied. My son, walks in with some new twist to his story, I cut him off with no, he starts to continue, I reiterate No, No, No… he walks away and gets back to work. There’s a knock on the door, a client who had asked to allow her final payment till next week, is there with the full amount in cash.
Okay, Universe I am listening, I think I have this “no” thing down. I feel around for what to do next. Spy several discards from my last relatives upheaval in leaving, load them up to then drop off at Good Will and decide the extra $100 I would go spend on me. I was treating myself to Christmas presents from me…to me! I have my son get cleaned up, he gets his money for gifts he has yet to buy and off we go. A new wheelbarrow, drill, heater for my office, back door rug and a few pretty girly girl intimates. Head home to feed, make supper and watch a movie with my youngest.
Get in the door, and the whining, twisting, pleading starts again. All of a sudden in the middle of this new bout of anger, the tears begin to flow, the huge old story of manipulation, this jagged thread which has been right there just below what I thought was people running over my “no’s” is the culprit. Suddenly seeing it there, fully exposed, recognizing it, literally tasting it as it came bubbling out of the deep festering old pocket held tightly by my training to fit in, be good, be worthy… All healed in the moment of love of understanding, releasing this wound tightly, smothering me amidst the years of tales of others who had bought into there is only one way to do anything.
I love them all, I understand this has been my training, education, schooling, to make me become the teacher, student, trainer, trainee, love and lover I am, each and every moment of every day! Thank you Universe, the tears were healing, especially when I turned all of that love back on my ability to create it all, sort it out, and put it back together in a more loving and understanding package!
Now feeling jazzed that all of this feels moments away from becoming my bigger reality. I got up, made coffee, designed and printed one gift certificate for my favorite client. Jumped in the shower, dressed, hair done, make-up on, as I hear the dogs barking, my automatic alarm for vehicles on the premises. Hurry out to say my hello’s and love the expression on her face over the unexpected gift. Amused as the two boys hurry to see who gets to go first, the younger quickly and aptly brushes, blankets and saddles his, with a quick smirk to the older, as we begin.
He has one side of his horse so completely tuned into his every question, but, the other side is this, hmpth, maybe, I don’t have to, stand offishness, with me coaching from the outside of the pen. After about 5 minutes of using all the tools that had worked on the other side, he stops, looks at me and ask for assistant. I go in, show him how to change his body position in reference to the horse’s, how to really make sure the horse’s ear and eye on the side facing him is actually pointed in his direction, before and during asking for advance or retreat. We go through the steps of having the horse turn away from him, or toward him, finally getting the expected response from the horse and a grin on the young man as he feels the dance.
So he mounts up, and as we put the big horse through his paces, the rider now feels the definite difference from getting the horse fully focused on the ground. We then proceed to hone, little movements of his arms, elbows, and hips, slowing them down, up, more or less till he is grinning as the big horse starts almost matching him as fast as he changes his thought. We come down to the small circle, finger up, or down, calf pushing or releasing, forward, sideways, and finally backwards. The big horse stops, is completely without any pressure on the bit, and his head drops lower the moment he is asked to stop. I give the thumbs up, he dismounts and heads back to the trailer. As horse and owner number two begin their groundwork.
Funny with the two young men being brothers, their personalities so extremely different, so well matched to horses the same size with exactly the same two different personalities. Working on many of the same exact movements, yet using entirely different tools and forms of thoughts to obtain these two boys grinning, sitting straighter, more confident, and more assured and comfortably managing animals that “use” to give them the runaround. As rider number two finishes and heads back to the trailer, the mom marvels at how much they always learn when they come here. How much they enjoy it, and how she can hardly wait till her horse finishes his month of tune up, for her to partake in lessons with a horse that better understands what is being asked, for her to then learn with and continue the fun that all of this has become.
We say our goodbyes, and as they are leaving I begin my horse rotations for the rest of the day. My big horse is puffed up, still sending out energy to the new horse that he is herd boss, and watch him perform, he so knows his stuff. Horse number two is just into playing, listening, partaking, but with the attitude of power, speed, let’s get it done and over with. Then to the little mare, in a snit because I am turning horses out as soon as I am done, and she does not think she should work first. So begrudgingly at first, she tries to just do enough to get by, till sensing I have all day, when she suddenly becomes all business like, turning and moving like the class act she can be when the mood fits her. We go through each ask, respond, stop, turn spin, head down, lick and chew, I grin as I am grooming her back off at how funny and like us they can be. Grab up the last of mine, he sighs, tries to run through it all so he can go out and play, till he realizes he will do it over and over till its right. Another sigh, he slows down, really starts attempting to listen better, small steps right, pivot, small steps left, pivot, step back, drop his head, release, take a deep breath and my personal horses are done.
With only the new horse left, and having such a great morning, I am in high hopes that the long session yesterday might have really ended in a really good place. Hopefully the asking for the left front hoof will be better. I am so pleased, when each thing I taught, showed or suggested he try to do yesterday, suddenly today, I have this great big huge cooperating animal, actually trying, working with me, showing me how smart he truly is, and how what I have shared with him about the way I will work with him, if he will let me. Truly does work for him. We have such an awesome session, I impress myself with his responsiveness and memory for all he was shown the day before. We finish with his head lower, a huge sigh, a perfect follow the leader game of stop, start, back-up as we head back to unsaddle. I brush him down, take him out to the big sandy pen, to turn him out to role and run till later. I am so in love with this path I have finally found such great footing on as I keep moving toward my dream!
Excitement building in every waking moment, I am on such a wave of movement forward. Have all these things just popping into place. Had a dream about the arena completed, the land bought, the house being built, the students coming, money flowing in as fast as it was needed, each thing adding to an ever increasing, growing, thriving new way of educating those seeking to understand their own passions about life. They then in turn teaching it to others…
Woke up, and bam, knew the first person I wanted to share this with, called my counselor friend and explained the horse connection she has been privileged to introduce to the school district here. Just currently stymied in where to continue holding the sessions, when I explained the new vision I had seen…she’s in. Called the other lady I know who has experience promoting, writing, and getting funding for causes she believes in, her weekend situation had already had her thinking in that direction. Bam she’s in, but because of what happened, her lawyer husband, listening in and truly interested in changing others’ lives for the better, bam he’s in. Then a phone call from my Abe cohort, who has had an interesting dealing with her son’s school, as we talk and I explain the dream and all the pieces, yep, you guessed it…bam she too is in.
Ride my horses, have a appointment over who else to add or ask into the Master group, grants, funding, business curriculum, mission statement and a title “Passionate Purposes” . I am rocking my world, we are sharing, writing, laughing, excited and seeing all theses years of small pieces of accomplishments that looked like such dead ends. Suddenly there are connecting roads, new bridges, awesome cleared landscapes, and in the three hours we build an entire new structured idea of the way to positively affect the future for those in our part of the world. Followed by the ripple affect to all that it touches…I love my life, my world, my passion…and I love sharing it and encouraging others to do what they love. Pay attention, know your intention to what you are focused upon, allow for guidance, then step bravely, confidently forward…and Bam, Your In!