Sitting With Myself, Waiting…

I have been sitting here for the last hour, after reading and responding to the post on BLC, letting all that has happened since yesterday’s writing, last night and this morning’s first few hours…just ramble, become, allow and play in my mind. A ton of ideas, thoughts, revelations, ways to express, all churning about, begging for my attention. All using the same excuse of how wonderful, how marvelous, how inspiring they will be… that will be lost forever. If I don’t stop and write them out now, while they are so fresh, new in my head, sounding so desperate, so sure of them being all important, perfect, complete. Except for the thoughts sounded and felt so needy, so unsettling, so about not trusting my body, my heart. My head just wheedling, needling me for one more chance to prove it had my best interest in mind, given a chance it could do this.
I agreed with it, on the last part of “my best interest” and yet still sat, playing more games of solitaire, losing, and just allowing the thoughts and ideas to come. At the same time very much aware of my body, how the first two cups of coffee tasted, felt, were. How it had felt to just linger this late in the morning till 7:30, it being Saturday and no bus route today, with the horses acquiescing to my slow deliberately feeding, haying, watering, and checking each pen to see that the occupants were managing, the soft, slow, consistent misting rain of the last 24 hours. My personal idea of perfect rainfall, making the weathermen right, for it is precipitation, giving a solid footing to my sandy arena, with it being soft and slow enough to still allow for my later lessons. The water is allowed to soak slowly into the ground. Dampening all of the dried out pastures, aiding the winter grasses just beginning to show themselves in their crisp, bright, green finery. Adding moisture to the long dried out air, moving in visible sheets of dancing droplets, making wonderful interchanges of delightful scenes in my ever aware gaze across the distant pastures. This dance showing Mother Nature’s awareness of the soil’s need to adhere to its current place, protecting, and nurturing the roots of the growing plants as the moisture seeps slowly into the awaiting ground beneath it.
I had everything fed, tended to, made coffee, read, sat and played till I felt this impulse, intuition, sensation, a kind of release that started in my belly, growing until it spread all the way to find an agreeing place in my mind. Causing me to win the last hand, close the solitaire program, and open Word, type the title, fiddling with my choice of colors, every step carefully aided with a strong matching sense in my gut. Then I just started typing, and of course my mind just flowed with words, all with no effort as the sentences began to take form in front of my flexing fingers, as today’s blog unfolded.
Easier and easier this has become, as I have been allowing myself to learn how to do this sharing on my imaginary paper screen before me. Remembering as I type, the place many years ago that typing befuddled and confused me… be a secretary? Nope could not imagine myself in an inside job, so my mind would argue for how hard this was… then finding myself in really exciting position which offered substantially more money if I could type. I asked the Universe, you know the prayer “God, Help, Please!” A lady in the office walking past my desk seeing my struggle. Described a process never taught in school (or I wasn’t ready there, at that time), and suddenly my fingers found the right keys and just flew.
I remember this morning, my youngest chores from the night before, half done, messy, more aggravation, my initial communication changing even as I talked to him. Aware of as he walked off how it felt still not right coming out of my mouth, then feeling for a better way to say it next time. The words will be like the ones I say in my mind to me, “I know I am figuring this out”, to “I know we are figuring this out”. That slight change in thinking, now sending such a ripple flow of ease through me of a better, easier, and simple phrase to say, which lets us both off the hook.
A habit caused by the hurry of reacting to things, instead of feeling, finding, pro-acting. My years of habitually reacting to situations are now on my list of things that I am aware of, so I can and am changing. As I become conscious of each feeling choice I make. All much more becoming, and happening because I took the time, to find, process and allow my body’s gut feeling to lead! I am so good and getting better, moment by moment. By choosing to consciously live in the NOW!

About irfriske

Trainer, coach, teacher, parent, writer, exploring and sharing the connection through observation of what the Universe reflects back to us in our continuing education in living, loving, and enjoying life in interacting with horses, people, and animals.

Posted on December 3, 2011, in allowing, Awareness, Change, Habits, Waiting. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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