I Fiercely Love and Appreciate Every One of You Here in My Life!
I am not allowing myself to receive, something is holding, restraining me from allowing in all the abundance that I seek. I sighed; I was willing to allow myself to be guided to the answer. The next thought was check your email, hmmm, before my shower??? So I walked in the office turned on the computer, went to my in box. Oh my God, there were 6 comments from BLC. So went to the sight, tried to go to the comment section, the internet went down. So I took the feeling of anticipation from all of those comments waiting on me and showered, scrubbing, feeling, searching for any particle of uckiness that might be still there from yesterday, till all I could feel was clean, refreshed, awake and ready.
Got out, dried off, and with a keen sense of excitement, went and read all of the comments, so very fiercely needed, appreciated and desired. Then the tears began as I realized ya’ll all understand and are being blessed with your own insights and understandings from my writings. I really do have a gift to share, to offer, I really am aligned with the conversing part of me, I really do know how to share in words.
Then the word fiercely stuck in my head all morning:
Definition of FIERCELY
: in a fierce or vehement manner i>fiercely competitive>
: to a high degree : very i>fiercely expensive>
Related to FIERCELY
Synonyms: achingly, almighty, archly, awful, awfully, badly, beastly, blisteringly, bone, colossally, corking, cracking, damn, damned, dang, deadly, desperately, eminently, enormously, especially, ever, exceedingly (also exceeding), extra, extremely, fabulously, fantastically, far, very, filthy, frightfully, full, greatly, heavily, highly, hugely, immensely, incredibly, intensely, jolly, majorly, mightily, mighty, monstrous [chiefly dialect], mortally, most, much, particularly, passing, rattling, real, really, right, roaring, roaringly, seriously, severely, so, sore, sorely, spanking, specially, stinking, such, super, supremely, surpassingly, terribly, that, thumping, too, unco, uncommonly, vastly, vitally, way, whacking, wicked, wildly
To cause me as I drove to allow tons of layers of the bandages, cast, stitches, and coverings on my heart from so many with their good trained intentions of what or how I should be living began to fall away. As layer, after layer came to my awareness for me to examine and now see so very differently than ever before. I am in love with life, fiercely, completely, intentionally. Always have been, just been put down, shamed, discouraged, and disallowed anytime I began to show sparks of happiness, joy, and pure undiluted love for anything that did not fit the norm, standards, ideal, belief or wishes of others.
I have fiercely loved others, animals, places, things. People who have either not loved themselves, so it made them uncomfortable and could not handle so much of being adored for themselves. Did not fit in with my family or friends idea of what was best for me. I have loved animals, places and things that were the wrong color, type, sex, size, shape…etc. All fit the description of wrong for everyone but me. I just saw the possibilities and loved anyway.
I went into business for myself as a trainer, professionally in 1986. The only credentials I had at first were I “was” winning, just not in the style like everyone else. I took clinics and lessons… which kept me in the money, just now 2nd’s and 3rds. I did not have the accepted background. I was a city kid, till college and 1976 when I found a place to keep a horse and bought my first one. So I was a hungry trainer, took in kids for afterschool and taught them to have fun and ride on my horse. They began winning, everywhere I took them. I began having students, because the bigger trainers were full and I was available to have the kids dropped off after school from their school bus…My place was the first on the route. My kids and their horses began to win. I got turned in for child abuse, when one of the well-off students’ parents, got mad cause their daughter didn’t win, and the kid everyone disliked, won on her unregistered horse, and rubbing it in attitude. I stood up for her, cause she earned her wins. All but her and her horse left. I started over, with the students and horses no one else could do anything with. The rules were, everyone had to help everyone else (no telling who would be the one to help you out when you really might need it) you had to learn how to actually ride and work with your horse( from big heavy rough bits, back to simply asking, receiving, responsive riding) it was supposed to be fun, you must love what you are doing, smile and be able after a run to tell what 3 things you did right, before you could bitch about each 1 thing you did wrong. The winning just happened and exploded. I was one of the best as a coach. My personal winning… was always just enough to pay for each trip and entry.
I was so glad it was dark as I drove, the tears just kept flowing, as I realized all the pressure I had been mistakenly under trying to fit in. And the craziness of each time I added a layer of others opinions, how much it was tearing me up, and blocking my view. I suddenly see, know, and realize how much more I truly have to give and offer. How I really do know how to create, expand, and be more than all of that fitting in crap I was spoon fed from trying to please others to fit in, who were themselves disconnected and so buying in to thinking instead of feeling for what is there inside each and every one of us from God/Source to shine, love, and become are best just like we are. We are all created in his likeness, for us to experience, find and create all of the marvelous ideas, thoughts, dreams and wishes he keeps allowing us to feel inside.
My last thoughts for this morning, I read about the train in several others post and from Margarita about deciding to jump from the old way of yucky old past thoughts, to the one bounded for our wonderful new tomorrows. I think it will be more fun to allow the Universe cause I changed my idea of working for it, to allow the opportunity, way or idea to present itself to me, to just be carried, assisted, or shown the easy, next logical step, to find myself suddenly just on the train loving the view as I move in this new fun, fulfilling direction. And a wonderful toast of appreciation to the blog from yesterday Day 36-37: Reunion Challenge from Lisa Shah that helped me find the overflowing peace that I went to bed with last night. I love and appreciate every one of you here at BLC!