"C"oncsious "A"wareness "T"raining "S"essions
I then got up, wandered into the kitchen, knowing my youngest had pre-made the coffee the night before. There is a few dirty dishes, one in fraction of this stage of the game. The coffee pot is sitting on the counter, empty?? I figured he must have forgotten to set the programmer. When I get this urge to follow the light rays I see in the hall. Suspecting what I am about to find. I open his door, his game screen is on and he is still in bed. Means he is late, as he was supposed to ride his bike, the two miles over to Wal Mart to meet his brother at 8, and it is 7:55 now. So I wake him up and tell him, his brother is going to be pissed, cause he is not out of bed and on his way to the meeting place. He gets up yelling at me??? I explain who is helping who? Leaving him to figure out what he could do next to solve his dilemma.
Walk back into the kitchen, now from this different door view spy the expected coffee. All down the side of the cabinet, on the floor, back under the sacks, everywhere a full coffee machine would spread the flow if the pot was not in the receiving position. I now know he did everything to make the coffee except, double checking, taking the time to see he had all of the steps done, taken care of, checked off, followed through. He comes in more yelling, can’t find his phone, can’t do the chores he was supposed to have done before he left, can’t find his shoes, and what was I looking at? I explained yelling was not making a great case for him, pointed out the misplaced coffee pot, the coffee everywhere, and the three other simple things from last night’s list, started, but not completed, or done correctly to benefit whom ever needed or used the items next.
A mumbled apology, “he’s figuring this out, we will find an answer”. Dressed, grungy, out the door, down the road on his bike. I now look at the kitchen, think…no feel for what do I want, hmmm? Coffee, so I start the cleanup, do the counter, then the wall, and down to the floor, first wiping it up, then cleaning spray, drying it down and off. Taking the used paper towel to the trash, I find the garbage sack at the bottom with all the accumulated trash on top, I take a deep breath, dig through the thankfully just paper towels off the roll he had gotten wet, by “accident” and discarded. Find the sack, with the band that holds it in place inside of it, and reassemble all the pieces. Go back to make the coffee, needing the measuring spoon, now not on top with the coffee where it belongs. I open the utensil drawer under the coffee maker to find the missing item, and coffee all leaked in there from the overflowing brewer. It all comes streaming forward, out the corner, back down the side of the cabinet, onto the floor, on all of these freshly cleaned surfaces. My mind reminds me of old lessons in cleaning, always from the top to the bottom. So I start the cleaning process again. The phone rings, it’s my youngest the neighbor is headed to Wal Mart, is he allowed to accept a ride for he and his bike? Wow, calling and asking first for permission to do things, cool, so I say yes, and expect a call when he gets with his brother.
Back to me, my needs, my feeling for answers. As I am going through the drawer, sorting, sifting, moving, re-arranging and cleaning each item, and the trays they are separated into, I notice that one tray has small, specialized utensils in it. The next tray has openers, of every type, style, and age of my life… I start reflecting of all the things I am opening up, sifting through, looking at to decide if they still fit and work for me, to then discard that which is out of date, unwarranted, or no longer used. I notice 3 really old fashioned bottle openers, and then realize the age of the house I live in, built in the 1930’s, my mom’s time. I become aware of how many of the ideas, thoughts and teachings I am letting go of and changing, reflect back to then. How much of my habits are strong reflections of my place in the rigid, family structure, taught and adhered to for so long. How and why I have held onto, lived with and kept so many things for so extremely long.
I grew up with hand-me-downs, take care of your little sister, play with her, share with the others, wait your turn, and leftovers. I learned to take what I was given, I was never enough, I was the go to person. I didn’t know how to fit or blend in. I was bigger, stronger, the tom boy, independent, athletic, and last. So I was suppose to allow for the others, and wait…
I kept cleaning, thinking, feeling, knowing I was onto something big, bigger than all the times before when I thought I had worked through this stuff. I made my coffee, when the cat began this incessant weaving in and out of my legs, acting starved, and attempting distractions for her to be first. I pushed her away, go to put in the coffee filter, it’s to small?? I reach back for the package, hmm 4 cup filter instead of 12, I will make do, figure it out. Suddenly thinking back to how much of my life has been the learned response from parents who grew up having to make do, hand me downs, figuring out how to scrimp and save, from their parents who grew up during World War 1 and 2. I think about how long and well I can make things last, how I learned to accept and love things till they fell apart. Always being cautioned about “you don’t know what you are getting yourself into?” Learning to hide whatever I was doing, because I just did what felt good at the moment… later to discover there were rules, regulations, expectations, and absolute no no’s that were punishable for being different.
I get the coffee set up, on, the pot in place, utensils, counters, and floor cleaned to start out to feed. Whack a set of claws across the shins,”ow” I look down she is pissed, I am taking way too long, I walk toward the feed container, “hiss” and KC springing from the sit position, splat! Right into a perfectly timed shoving foot, mad and indignant she goes over and sits by her bowl. I upright the feed container, looking at her bowl, to discover she still has feed in it, just not fresh, this mornings… Hmm I get the refill cup, put in ¼ cup, then refill it and head out to Minxy’s bowl outside. Call for her, she comes up, waits to be fed, then looks if I will offer a pet or scratch. I scoop her up, allow the soft needling of her claws, reveling in her ability to fend for herself, loving me as I am and accepting things here one aware moment at a time.
Head to the horses, who I have learned to not keep on a tightly, timed schedule, starting with their feed. As I walk up to Revolver, he pins his ear, chest up, neck arched…I am in an awareness mode. I look at him, look at his feed bucket, stand up straighter, to look at his feet and ask”back?” He stands there, raises his head just a smidgen, I lower my voice, up my entire body language and before the words can come out of my mouth, he takes two steps back, acquiescing to my knowing who the leader is. I feed him watching as I walk away that his manner remains nice, no ear pinning in suggestion that he has run me off as I am leaving. Walk to Freckles, all head up begging, pushy, I again ask “back” he raises his head in a “but please manner”, I announce “back, back, back” he puts his head to the side and takes the tentative required steps away. I continue on to Gidget, the little girl, asking for her to back up and wait. The response is “but I’m special, do I have to?” I just stand there; she finally takes a breath, lowers her head and steps back. I feed her and move on to Charlie, big, lovable, clown, who has the entire feeder full of dirt from frolicking waiting his turn. I walk up ask for the back, he picks his head up, looks down the side of his nose like “what’s up boss?” I just wait, he drops his head, tilts it sideways, noting my response, then takes the steps backwards, till I fill his bucket and walk away.
I know my world is constantly showing and sharing with me where I am at in my ability to receive and give. I am learning, I am allowing myself to feel for what I need next, now, as being my only agenda. All of this coming from the awareness of the last thoughts before I drifted off to sleep last night, of my world and all of the things that are constantly doing the “me” first dance in front of me. The hundreds of emails demanding I notice something is on sale, limited time only, money I can have if I do whatever hoop jumping they want now to get it, bills that send out reminders on the day they expect or expected payment if not received that day, though the actual late day is days, weeks, sometimes a full month away. The millions of things every other moment of the day, begging for my attention because I “should” feel guilty, sorry, angry, or frustrated enough to pay them attention so I can then have some peace and sanity for and to myself. I truly am beginning to love, sort, sift and feel for the next best thing for me, by me, with me…Because I am worth it, I have faith in the God, Universe, Source that put me here to experience life in my shoes! Concsious Awareness Training Sessions this is what I teach, who I am, what I share, live, learn, and adapt my every moment with!
Doubly interesting one in going to take the picture of my sign, my youngest’s handiwork has fiddled with my good camera, so I have to relearn it to figure out what settings he has changed. But I just took the best picture ever with my phone, sent it to myself, cropped it, saved it and in sharing it realized it is the first time I have just put my new sign up on the internet. Like I am suddenly realizing my true value of me and my abilities to share with those who are seeking this form of teaching! Way Cool!