I finish posting in both places. I click on to yahoo’s home page, and notice the headlined stories. My attention drawn to the woman who self published her book and her rise to an awesomeness level, which I open to read about the details of… my body’s language…uncomfortable, but if you insist. I start reading, weaving through the details, aware of a growing sense of distress. As I read about the time she has taken, the struggle, her background, etc. etc. etc. and suddenly I just start bawling, realizing the magnitude of this undertaking I have felt to my very core to undertake. I am crying so hard, I am shaking, violent levels of release, rock me back and forth in my chair, suddenly finding my head striking the desk again, for the second time in two days. I find myself embracing myself, tighter, harder in the soft fuzzy blanket throw that has somehow found its way around my shoulders, to encompass me…allow me to feel, warmth, contact, a sensation of connection all the way to the “little” part of me that has been trying forever to be heard.
I cry, bawl, squall, resounding with the levelss of hurt, I have wrapped around me in layers of protectiveness of this still glowing, waiting connection to Source, my God, feeling place, sobbing till I feel cleansed, free, more open to listening to all of me. I sigh, stand, looking at the time:12:30. I have cried for at least half an hour. I need a shower, clean clothes, makeup and my hair done….
I feel the blanket, marvel at its all-encompassing embrace of my two arms, holding me exactly the best way for me to be fully loved, by me. I feel for how I want to dress, look, and be for my lessons and the rest of my day. I plug in the iron, decide on a very colorful, soft, pastel shirt, with my favorite soft, light blue denim jeans. Turn on the shower, and go get a black pair of undies, soft gray bra, and my favorite white past the knee socks. Step into a very hot shower, letting it find every strand of hair on my head, every waiting pore of my skin, and then add a little shampoo. As I begin to scrub and lather my hair, I think of more areas of new skin coming up to be exposed, shimmering cells, as they are released from the old dead layers of yesterday. I thrill in the soapy lather of change, the deep, sensuous, exhilarating feel of the wash cloth, the slithery thick foam as it helps me to become the me of this moment.
As I wash, words come, thoughts form, ideas happen, connections between what I view or see and the reflections inside that it awakens of my current taught awareness of my mind. I feel the word starvation, from the advertisements about famine and my helping one to eat. I feel where that resonates in me… God asking me to be aware of where have I been starving myself, for love, attention, food, life itself… because I have been taught to always help out those less fortunate than me. But from the learned view that I have of having no real value, unless I help others first. The word success… God asking me why I don’t applaud how successful I am in doing wonderful, marvelous things with whatever he has given me, in “my idea” of what little I think I deserve or am. The word abundance… God reminding me of his ability to give me as much as I deserve…. If I would just open my hand to the more he has to easily give me.
I pause, I ask “but what about the compelling pictures that show the needy?” The answer I receive, there are many conditions of complete love found within in inches of the deprivation…you my child only have access to the views you feel are true for you. If you would trust the body I placed you in to “feel” for my guidance to what is good and true…that is what you would find and behold. As long as you feel the hesitation and uncertainty and still go in that direction… “I support you, because I Honor Your Right To Choose!” “I love you no matter what!” So simple, so easy….
I am continuing to listen to my body, to start much more consciously listening, feeling, sensing what feels right for me. God has never let me down, he has always supported every, single, thing I do. Always things have turned out okay, I have done so many things, a whole lot of ways others would never chose, had some really scary, frightening, exciting, frustrating, emotional ups and downs. But wow, what a rush, what a way to really breathe, exam, experience, learn, share and create the most memorable, new, amazing, creative stuff, by trusting I am guided, I am loved, I am extraordinarily all me!