Rub, Scrub, Wrestle, Relief
Drove home, deep breath, walked in, he was ready, with a white shirt he swore he did not own. His hair from the last minute trim last night looked decent and acceptable. So we fed the critters, went to his school to check him out, pay for all late fees, and arrange for the transfer. As I am being escorted around, it dawns on me I do not here the jingle of two sets of spur, which are always on my work boots. I figure I must have had one come loose and it would be back at the house. Talking mentally to myself “nothing’s lost in the mind of God” always causes things to be found, because I know God is everywhere. Then I drive over to the Alternative school. Sign more paperwork. Walk out the door to be greeted by the principle. He explains the dress code to my son and has him take off his belt before sending him through the metal detector. We then go to his office, and he goes through the list of rules that were sent home with us Wednesday after the meeting with his vice principle and councilor. Now making sure that each rule is absolute and any single one violated, makes the day of attendance null and void. The objective being, school work only, following the rules, absolute, talking or associating with others in any format…not acceptable. I am listening while this is all going on, and highly aware of my discomfort, but still breathing. We then proceed to the nurse’s office for the rules there and more forms. Finally to his monitor, more rules, more paperwork, a sense of heightening distress for me. I am then told I am free to go, and I leave quickly with a growing sense of agitation. Reminding myself he attracted this, it is not about me. Go home, come in here, try to look at emails, and I just bawl. Big, hard, deep, body encompassing wails of sadness, shame, distress, and pure old long buried pain. I try to play a game of solitaire, yeah right. So I go to YouTube and start Abeing and go to the Release Resistance ~ You Are Source Energy! by Gisele Frederich the tears become quieter, as I start to feel myself and play solitaire finding the release I am seeking.
I then go to ride, a holding your breath, blow up, I am not liking today with my big horse Revolver. The next two horses are just a little testy, unsure where I am coming from, but still responsive. Take out the little Appaloosa, he is tight, tense, I breathe, we continue on the ground till I happen to look down…Oh my God, I never checked about the missing spur, and I just start laughing, big, huge, funny giggles as I now notice I have on two different boots. One a work boot with spur attached, the other a dress boot, no spur. Talk about being out of sorts this morning, but my laughter causes my body to loosen up, and this still learning mount, starts looking to me for what’s next. Ahhhh. Then back for my afternoon bus route, with me a little out of sorts. Still haven’t made peace with all of this, haven’t found what is the deeper thorn that now has risen to the place of “notice me now”. So I drive to my first school, where we get there early to avoid the parent traffic and wait, I turn on the Abe meditations, start breathing deeper, feel myself calming more. I text my friend about the boot thing, she exclaims she has had the same sort of mistaken, mishappen day. When she text’s me back, suddenly the light goes on. I get where I was wrong, I was so unhappy cause I wasn’t the perfect mom. I heard all of these rules, which I am in agreement with, just a little, but I felt so, what are others going to think. And the wrong boots did the trick. I only have to be perfect at being me. Sideways, upside down, if I want to wear guy clothes on backward. I came here to create in God’s image as me, I now am giving myself permission to be me 100% all the time. By paying more attention to when I start to feel anything when I am around others, to check for where I am judging them judging me. Freedom is looking closer and closer every day! YEA ME!!