Forty Five Days And Figured This Out…

This morning there was a change about 2:30 am. It woke me up, as something called me, told me today I would know. I rolled over checked the clock, hmmm. Went to the bathroom, got a drink and went back to sleep. To be awakened by my third alarm, which meant I was 10 minutes behind. Okay do I knock on the wall? Nope, I got up, took my shower, got dressed, makeup on, outside to feed the cat and start the truck. Making it a point to say loudly in to his room “I have boots to put on, my coffee to make and I’m gone, for I am running behind”. I hear, scrambling, grabbing for things, conscious of my lateness as I put on my shoes. He brushes past “Have you seen my shoes?” “Nope” I reply as I now fix my coffee, sugar, little cocoa and the last of the milk. Head for the door, he is nowhere in sight, I decide I will follow through with him being responsible, saying nothing as I open the door…wonders of wonders! He is sitting in the seat, putting his shoes on, pretty sure I would have driven off without him, a slight, well deserved smirk on his face.

Get to work, he tending to his responsibilities, I get clocked in, my keys and start my bus. All systems operating, head to my first stop. We sit, 3 min, hmmm, no lights, 1 minute to go, the lights come on, the mom runs out hollering after I do my required horn honk. She’s mad, frustrated, everybody’s over slept, and yells “he’s coming!” I think of the Abe about a pillow fight where the one being hit just lets the pillow fall to the ground, no fight. I just grin at her and say “just one more morning, then the holidays!” I see her body relax, she grins and waves us on as he gets situated. The next two are waiting on us, we’re behind, so they quickly get on and off we head. My mind relaxed, comfortable, watching the weather, expecting sunshine for my 3 hour lesson away from the place, and in anticipation for what’s going to happen today. Knowing something is up, messages that feel good in the middle of the night always are awesome.

Drop off the kids, driving in and out of some slight mist. Periodically checking the sky where it is still clearing and brighter back toward my first lesson’s little town. Feel light, thinking, wondering what I will have to write about. Check the bus back in, my youngest got himself up and off to school by himself from the bus barn. So I get in my truck, check for fuel, head home, watching the sky where I can see some blue intermixed with the low gray clouds. Get home, feed, hay, and as I am making my evening rations I call my client, just 30 miles away to see if the weather has been as good for her as I have been experiencing.

“No” she says, “it has been drizzly, muddy, and miserable over there. What do you do to keep having things so nice at your place?” She queries, I just grin thinking even though the lesson has been re-scheduled something awesome is about to happen. So I go inside, check emails, wondering about my final blog, and decide to just lazily play a game or two, allow my mind to just be, as I open a game and notice the choice of types of players. I have beaten this game several times, so I switch the selector to pro, curious as to what the difference is. As I complete the first few levels easily, can’t find anything that indicates change, till I am doing a move I know well for this level and the time runs out. I re-start, same thing, so I look as I am playing at each level to suddenly be aware of how little time I have left on the levels I complete. My mind now aware of less time, equates faster play. I up my tempo, reminding myself as I count “one move at a time”. Getting through 24 levels before the pressure gets to me, enough for me to quit and change to solitaire. Where I can just relax and play.

After winning the first type, I decide I can do wash and play at the same time. Load the washer, pick out the next kind of solitaire and several thoughts hit me at the same time. So I write both words down (expert and speed) and continue to play. As I get into the rhythm I can feel the sun shining through the window, as my subconscious begins to fill in the details of the 45 days of this challenge to have fun. Suddenly the message is loud and clear. All of these pieces, just melding into place. I have learned to be in the past, an expert at many things…according to others ideas of what it was I was doing, if it fit their pre-conceived notion of a pro at that task. The guidelines usually the most accurate at a given task, in an amazing, and proficient amount of time, and the final product was better than theirs. I have been extremely fast, extremely accurate, extremely agile, extremely patient…jumping through most every hoop put out there in front of me.

Realizing, today, I have been perfect at everything for everyone else. Making the world happy, eager for more, and applauding my ability to conform, and failing, sometimes miserably, at the most important task I was put here for…Being ME, loving ME, making ME HAPPY! Somewhere right after the first competition I ever competed and won in at the first arena I went to after moving back home, where I grew up. First place in 5 of the 7 events and only placing 2nd in two of them, because I literally learned those two events watching the contestants in front of me. I had all these people congratulating me, trying to buy my horse, full of all these suggestions on how I could become better, faster… I not even truly noticing I had just won by beating one of the top contenders in the area, just running my way, my style and being me.
This challenge has changed my view of me, my ideals about so many things, and opened my eyes to what I have been doing to myself. How far away from my own hearts desires, I had drifted, then paddled, bought and then placed everyone else’s beliefs, ways, gimmicks, and goals for me in front of my own.

Thank goodness, little inner me, kept whispering in my ear, kept aggravating my body, kept helping me to walk into walls, just so that I could finally turn myself back around to see me, all of me, right there waiting to support and love me back. Thank all of you for your support and encouragement! I so love me, you all, and life! And hope to be blessed by all of you joining and continuing moving forward in the continuing days ahead in other challenges!

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About irfriske

Trainer, coach, teacher, parent, writer, exploring and sharing the connection through observation of what the Universe reflects back to us in our continuing education in living, loving, and enjoying life in interacting with horses, people, and animals.

Posted on December 15, 2011, in experience, Horses, Love, Realization, Understanding. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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