I’m The Best At Being Just Me!
Spying all of the fixings for sausage gravy and biscuits, I did a quick re-do of the coffee, diced up some onion, turned on the oven, added the meat, a little water to one skillet. Grabbed the frozen biscuits out of the freezer, counted out 8, popped them in the oven. Sautéed the onions, browned and seasoned the meat, had just finished adding the flour, a little milk and water as the timer went off. Presto breakfast as I hollered at the boys, who quickly went to feed, hayed and watered the animals to come back into plates, silverware, and glasses all set out by the stove for them. As I moseyed off with my already fixed plate and coffee. Quite pleased to have found the kitchen clean from their late night foraging, and them all being such wonderful help this morning.
Quick shower, dressed, while they gathered up the trash and did the dishes, and contributed things needed to the shopping list for the grocery store, after I picked up my feed. As I am organizing my mind, I keep getting this itch on the palm of my left hand, which whenever it happens, money comes. So I start savoring my journey, deciding how much fun can I have today. Amused with myself over how good I feel, even after I few rocky places last night. My salesman has a session with his computer as it kept changing the money amount due me. Finally after getting the manager, the computer did a turn around and printed the right results. I got loaded and down the road wondering how much more fun my sense of self would cause the next shopping spree, all the while feeling this nudging, pushing, sense of guidance to take my time, truly enjoy the process of listening, allowing and feeling my way into the something important that was almost here.
I shopped, got a few things for his cake tomorrow, more of the Top Ramen that they seem to think is wonderful. Noticing the flowers and imagining how great it will be to soon be getting them daily. Find a fast moving check-out zip in, zip out, pull in to the quik stop for a bag of ice, then check the mail box as I come in the drive. Woo hoo, year in dividend notice from the insurance company, leaving me a balance of $7.00 for this month and a birthday card with money for my youngest, whom I see has re-hung the Christmas lights and added a new string in the shape of a tree in the window.
I pull up, unload and they walk out to help. I question why they are still here, when I am told the oldest had something come up. What do I need help with, can they go up the road to the skate park, they swear they have everything done and in order. “Yes, you can go, after everything is unloaded and I double-check.” Which they and I do quickly, off they go as I settle down at the computer to write… no, not yet. I just kind of veg, I can feel something, something I need, I sense it will be a relief, I need and will revel in it. So I just sit and play a computer game, waiting…
I look at my watch, it is now 2:30 the young ladies will be here for their lesson in a bit. About then my youngest tells me my sister is coming to get him “and the boys” to take him out shopping for his birthday and all of them out to eat. I tell them to enjoy, and the thought hits me “I always seem to be working, when others are going places” my mind goes back over my life… thinking of how many times I have been left out or left behind because of what I do. For the first time I can remember, it’s not a sad thought, for I love what I do, except for I realize I have always had to refer to my training and teaching sessions as work. Old family beliefs “you can’t make enough money with horses, do you actually make enough money with what you do, and don’t tell me its fun, you’re playing or any of that other stuff…you are working, now act like it”. I’m grinning as I realize how I have almost had to hide my fun, by making it seem hard. Hmmm I think to myself as the girls arrive, and head down to the barn.
The horse is muddy, so we all groom, talk, and work on her together, since these two sisters take back to back lessons. One rides, the other audits and watches. We start with ground work, I demonstrate, she watches, I lend a hand or word of guidance, she finally “feels” the horse. So she stops the little mare, check the girth, mounts and walks her around, finding her rhythm, timing, movement with the horse till they both take a breath, and start moving together. The first thirty minutes is just about being, little re-positioning’s of the rider to allow for bend and softness with the horse. We move from the tire area to the long line of poles and cones to move in and out, simple exercises to increase bend and flow, between, in and around every other object.
She has made two complete times through the line, and I note the tightening up of the little mare, I ask the rider to change her hands, and the mare’s whole body is in total surrender, with a pleading look on her face. Knowing my horse I glance up all the way to find the rider holding a tight expression, tears brimming at the corner of her eyes, total confusion, frustration, signs of complete helplessness. I know something is there, beneath the surface, some old wound has been broken open, the look speaks of a desire, of a wanting something so bad, yet there is this huge fear of losing it if she speaks. I wander up close enough to get my hand on the horse’s rein, I lower my voice, I speak softly. I tell her about me, horses, how they have changed and saved my life many times, how they know the parts of us we think we can hide, they feel deep into the all of us. Here at my place it is a safe, sacred place, if I come close to talk, it’s just between me and the rider, it’s okay, every moment is a chance to start anew. There are no judgments here, every moment we are all learning something new, there is no wrong, it just takes the time it takes. I stop, I hold the reins, she sits there thinking…finally the mare takes a breath, she takes a breath, and we walk… for 10 minutes just letting her be, breathe, finding herself, and really finding her safe connection to the horse, to herself.
We get back up to a trot, she finds a sense of accomplishment, she does the turns, side passes, back up, and then gets the mare to softly drop her head, then dismounts. Hands the horse over to her sister, who has many of the same stuff riding wise, which she is also working on. The whole time she is riding, I keep my eye on the one now huddled up in her jacket, watching, dissecting, thinking, just holding in…holding on. Finally rider number two has a couple of oop’s she of course gets tickled, cause she stays with it, slows the horse back down, and then continues till she finds the connection she knows is there. Does the finishing routine, to ride the horse over to the gate and dismount. Both of them walking the little mare back, to unsaddle, brush down, give her some treats, put her up, and we talk, discuss the holidays, their trip back up north and then schedule for their next lesson.
I love what I do. I love the sacredness of the connections I watch, become, change, and be. I love the ability to know when and how to step in, to allow another to find, sometimes change old perceptions of themselves, or allow old beliefs and rules to change, let go. I love watching the weight of others slip away, as one finds its okay to just be, to allow, to have fun…to do something because you love it and because you can. We all deserve to live and enjoy life however it finds us!