No, No, No, No More Manipulating Me!
This morning I began searching, looking, seeking for any other places in my life where my saying “no” meant nothing. My last week has been besieged with opportunities to get to the last few knots, that were still tangling up this, what appeared to be thread of the word and power of my personal no. The college investigation for a possible place to attend, has had the wonderful help and guidance we all receive when we ask, allow and trust that we are provided with answers to any question we ask.
My first question was if I really wanted to go back to school and the factors to consider. Being that of the amount of time, which would be answered by knowing what I was trying to accomplish, in my case was does one need a degree to write? Then if one pursues that line of thinking, what type of degree, how much of my previous schooling is applicable, that amount then subtracted by the amount of hours required by the school of choice, and of those hours required, which hours really have anything to do with me actually writing, anytime soon. Then add the final questions to the mix of where the funding will come from, and how much time will I give up before I am deemed ready, able or even apt to being a writer.
So many things to consider, so I threw out my baited hook… single mom, low income, disadvantaged, business owner, eligible for grants, loans and government financing. Funny part is I didn’t realize my own value till I filled out an application for aide, selected the few colleges recommended by family and friends. Then it was like, let the games begin, just with the Universe/God on my side. That translates into, if I asked a specific question, the computer and internet were flawless. If a college or source tried to persuade, push, or manage me into a particular round hole, that square ole me not only did not fit, but was not the least interested in budging. The computer would close, lose the connection, change screens, etc. Till I really started noticing and following the guidance, easily stopping when things went awry, and politely dismissing those institutions’ that were easily showing up in the not that way column.
Today’s particularly persistent university had 8 emails with urgency put on each one, from several different departments, after my email Monday that I was no longer interested. I had woken up this morning, knowing a major storm had blown through last night, opening the door to a be-sodden pasture and pens soaked with over 4 inches of rain. To which I knew meant other than feeding and short turn outs, riding was off. I knew my day could be spent running the last errands for Christmas just days away. My work had called checks were in early, I made a deal with my youngster to do a few chores for me while I was out and I would make it worth his while on my return. He agreed, I loaded up the huge collection of old things and trash to complete my elimination of this last year’s discards and off I went, expecting the other piece to surface I had been sensing were at hand.
Dropped off the trash, then the stuff to Good Will, picked up my check, (wow no bonus, hmmm) went to the bank, then fuel, then the store, dropped off the electric check and stopped for two drinks for him and me. Came home to no answer when I honked to help unload, walked in and nothing was done, but tons of excuses. So much frustration, anger, confusion, just boiled out, till I heard something inside tell me I was safe, I wouldn’t be punished for being mad, this was his path of least resistance, he was in need of this lesson. I got calmer, and we cleaned for the next two hours, contacted a service I pay for on line, and instead of having to pay this month’s fee, was blessed with $100 savings, from an old credit just recently applied. My son, walks in with some new twist to his story, I cut him off with no, he starts to continue, I reiterate No, No, No… he walks away and gets back to work. There’s a knock on the door, a client who had asked to allow her final payment till next week, is there with the full amount in cash.
Okay, Universe I am listening, I think I have this “no” thing down. I feel around for what to do next. Spy several discards from my last relatives upheaval in leaving, load them up to then drop off at Good Will and decide the extra $100 I would go spend on me. I was treating myself to Christmas presents from me…to me! I have my son get cleaned up, he gets his money for gifts he has yet to buy and off we go. A new wheelbarrow, drill, heater for my office, back door rug and a few pretty girly girl intimates. Head home to feed, make supper and watch a movie with my youngest.
Get in the door, and the whining, twisting, pleading starts again. All of a sudden in the middle of this new bout of anger, the tears begin to flow, the huge old story of manipulation, this jagged thread which has been right there just below what I thought was people running over my “no’s” is the culprit. Suddenly seeing it there, fully exposed, recognizing it, literally tasting it as it came bubbling out of the deep festering old pocket held tightly by my training to fit in, be good, be worthy… All healed in the moment of love of understanding, releasing this wound tightly, smothering me amidst the years of tales of others who had bought into there is only one way to do anything.
I love them all, I understand this has been my training, education, schooling, to make me become the teacher, student, trainer, trainee, love and lover I am, each and every moment of every day! Thank you Universe, the tears were healing, especially when I turned all of that love back on my ability to create it all, sort it out, and put it back together in a more loving and understanding package!