I Will Be Sleeping Better For Days to Come
Wandered outside to feed, ducking back in quickly for another layer, the temperature dipping another 10 degrees since yesterday’s storm. Cold, damp, air, that on my second venture outside was allowing me to be greeted by the rolling fog off of the warmer river casually meandering across the fields in my direction. Allowing me to ponder as I fed, the last few errands for the Christmas weekend, organizing my quick trip to town in my mind after my first cup of coffee.
Stepped in the bathroom started the shower so the water would be hot for when I go in, quickly put together my coffee maker, turned it on and then stepped into the waiting heat of the cascading water. Just standing there, letting it run, pell mell all over every part of me, feeling as if it was loosening and removing the layers that yesterday’s discovery had dislodged. Ten full minutes of just pounding, pulsing, cleansing water…then I added soap, lather, the cloth and scrubbed myself fully awake. Stepped out, dried off, got organized and off to town, coffee in my mug, several last minute shopping stops, and finally back home, so freaking tired, exhaustion oozing from every pore. So amazed at how much I had been fighting, and arguing with myself over it just had to be the “no” issue. Yet now, the total relief of just that one different realization, so tired, so glad to let it all go, with just horses still to do.
So I decide on easy, just lunging my four, all who come out so full and so feisty in such wickedly cold weather, after being kept in because of the sloppy footing from yesterday. I allow the play at the end of the line for each horse, the silliness, snorting, begging to be let go without the having to pay attention. I wait, I follow, I ask, more silliness from each one, until they get the edge off, come back, ears up, asking, hoping I will quit when they beg, but then aware of how much more centered I have become. Each in turn finally, drops their head to ask, come to me, breathing hard, but listening, waiting, and then I turn each one loose, till I am only left with the new guy.
Mine I know well what to expect on a super cold day with no turn out the day before. Him?? Well we shall see. I walk into his pen, he comes up, quietly, respectfully allowing me to halter him. Behaves almost flawlessly at grooming, saddling, in close warm up, and much more laid back on the lunge line, I am impressed. So I mount up, and have the most wonderful, listening, trying, learning steed for the next thirty minutes. Pleased with the ease of it all, my body thanking him, knowing I need the healing of taking things slow, restful, calm as I finish ingesting how much energy I had been using as I tenaciously held on against myself, all that trying so hard to make the wrong answer right.
But I congratulate myself, I can feel a tremendous difference, I feel a peace that I had known was near enough to sense, just hadn’t quite figured out the entire puzzle of my twisted threads, which now easily dangle in the breeze. Drying out, relaxing, and glistening anew on this day of nothingness. Just being, me, more whole than I can ever remember. I can do this!