Okay I Admit It I’ve Been Afraid

Seems like all this writing, besides honing my skills. Has allowed me to dig deeper into me, uncovering and dealing with each layer of (now realized) self-protection, enabling me to be with me and support myself in ways I have always dreamed of being supported by another. Just took me till now to realize the support I was so easily giving and sharing with others, has always been here just waiting on me to figure it out, that it is okay to love and take care of me first, foremost, and always. It is not selfish, it is not wrong, it is not anything I have ever been taught about making myself last and waiting my turn.
Big sigh, as I see the sun so wonderfully enveloping the entire room as it climbs in the morning sky to dry out the cold, dampness from the last two weeks of “yes” much needed rain for this and the entire state of Texas. Funny how the Universe knew to match my moods where I have been searching, digging, excavating and discovering the root parts of me, buried so deeply, safely away, to avoid further humiliation, distress, uncertainty and all the other old stuff that finally found me after Christmas with my family last night. I watched the inter changes, listened to the talks, heard the general tone, and dynamics of those I care about. Wondering, how I could help, what all of this was really reflecting back to me about me. With real fun at the gift exchange part, followed by quick noticeable departures, I felt so strongly from others mirrored inside me, just with no real answers.
My youngest and I said our goodbye’s, loaded up our stuff, and departed with me driving, thinking, and aware. Getting home to my horses out in the yard, the youngest swearing he had closed everything as he rounded them up, talking ugly to them under his breath for their awareness of his hurrying earlier and evidently not checking to see all gates latched and closed properly from the enquiring expertise of my gate artists. Animals re-corralled, fed, watered, hayed, latches, gates thoroughly checked and all lights turned out. Came inside to put away the dishes, showered, and a few games of solitaire for my mind still thinking, considering and searching for the answers, since nothing showed itself I went to bed. To dreams about men, loose horses, and hedges with holes, and fence lines that were under construction, some places completely missing and others with odd patching’s.
Woke up, reminded my youngest of our agreement for him to do the morning feeding, went and made the fixings for breakfast. He was not moving quite fast enough for my morning mood, and as I felt this annoying consistent anger rise. I could feel how out of place, inappropriate, misguided and off base where it was directed at. So I asked myself “what gives?” All of me answered back “you’re mad at yourself, cause your afraid to move any closer to your dream!” I felt the anger drain away, I knew what I had just said to me was right. I have been frozen in fear, just like the side of my face, because what if I’m wrong, what if I get duped again, what if…. What if… what it?
I got some coffee, 2 biscuits with jam, turned on the computer, pulled up the program for drawing, opened it, but instead of letting it frustrate or stop me cause I don’t know how to use it yet. I opened the desktop publishing program I am extremely comfortable and familiar with. Allowing my now open to the possibility I could fail, but at least movement is forward motion. Decided on what tools I would need if I were to hand draw it. First thought graph paper, so I pulled up graph paper images, copied, pasted one to my open page. Went back outside, measured the distances on my property, then crossed the fence and measured out the distances on the proposed adjoining property next door. Came back in and put all these now easy pieces together.
Things kind of a got a lot easier, when I figured out the only one keeping me from anything has been me. I have failed before, but I generally figure it out and then one, two, five or more times later I have really much better end results than when I started. So here goes…. Oh yes Margarita, this I attribute to your wonderfully observant and in-depth answer from before!
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About irfriske

Trainer, coach, teacher, parent, writer, exploring and sharing the connection through observation of what the Universe reflects back to us in our continuing education in living, loving, and enjoying life in interacting with horses, people, and animals.

Posted on December 27, 2011, in Anger, Dreams, Failure, Fear, movement, Re-direction, Realizations. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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