Monthly Archives: January 2012
My Desires Blog: Clues, Observations, Realizations, New Solutions: Ground rules … are our own. We establish what we allow or don’t, what is right or wrong for us. We learn from our experiences, when we take …
We went to lunch, enjoyed the soup, company, and lightened conversation as we talked about the various ways we draw in information, each of us filtering in our different fashions. To come up with a very workable result that satisfies both of us. She went to her next trim, I went to drive, feeling tons lighter about my family. I desire to be treated like the important, weirdly wonderful person I am. I accept full attention, I condone being asked, I love being included because I am wanted. (That entire sentence was a work of art, I had to keep finding the thing I desire, not the old stuff…I threw out)
My son called to tell me my parts for my truck were in, from the two weeks search to find them. The fun part being originally the bill was supposed to be over $100 now that the right parts were correctly identified, the total delivered to him tomorrow is $34 . I continue driving, distracted by people pulling in front of me, then slowing down, I think, I must be going to fast in my racing mind to get things all done now. Slow my thinking, start having fun with what needs to be done, and both vehicles pulled off and turned. I love how things keep working out for me when I relax and allow!
This is crazy, I was so headed somewhere else with this post. Just after reading Linda’s, Perianne’s, and Kylie’s I began remembering what great fun he and I had, we were such good friends. So when I got home to ride, things just all easily came together over some real tough, freezing, looking the other way issues. My big horse, attempted it first, he thought I wasn’t fully focused on him, and tried to take in a breath, get big… till I moved his nose, caused him to lose his footing, and then asked him to give at the poll to back up. He almost fell over, trying to get his feet out of his own way, because I was ready for him… I was daydreaming, but alive and watchful. With in 5 minutes my big tough overlord, was apologizing and asking quicker, easier, and much more mindful.
Turned him loose, and pulled out the second in command. Who tried the poor me, I was so abused, I was just kidding. Once again I was aware and moving, first him right, then to the left, allowing him to snort and try every gimmick he could muster, till suddenly it dawned on him. I was on to his game too. Suddenly there was so much softness, so much respect, so much “oh my God she really has this figured out” “damn” I then had his attention, his flexibility and his wanting to do more, without the games.
Knowing as I put him up I was on the trail of my youngest son’s shenanigans of all these stories playing out here before me and being turned back on each trickster male horse in my herd. The third boy decided in less time than the first two, that the gig was up, he had better watch his p’s and q’s and I had the most wonderful, soft attentive pony of the day.
Then my little girl, such a charmer, no mistakes, no errors, always doing as much as I ask and then some. Sigh. Next to the new horse, she is better, she is trying, she loves I do all this brushing and stroking…tries to barely move, just a little push back…until I up my energy. No, no, no, she wants me to ask and let her decide, so we begin the game, and slowly, step, by step, by step, her stride increases to a flat out walk, turn circle, stop, back, now for just a small trot around the pen. She braces, she plants her butt, she refuses. I squeeze again, she balks, swells up underneath me. I ask by bumping her sides. She grunts, her back raises and she pins her ears. I warn with a “shhh and a hey”. Bump her again, and out shoots one hind leg kick in what feels like a very uncomfortable direction. Up to the trot she goes, but dang it, I know she has pinched something in her back. She has been turnout to long, she threw way to much into that kick, and the tale tell signs of her having given birth and not being gotten back into shape, have proved her undoing. We finish, I massage her as best I can, give her some pain medicine, and check her later on, knowing she needs some work. I call the owner, then the chiropractor, explain what has happened, he confirms my suspicions, and gives me a list of stretches, massages and movements to do. Knowing if anyone can make it better besides him, it’s me and the crazy voo doo I do.
The rest of the evening is an interplay of my youngest behavior, showing all the signs of the exact changes I have made in my male horses. I love how I always have a compass to direct me and where it is I need to look, feel and find the answers I seek. Cept for the male, the man, this guy…hmmmm He’s coming, I know this, I just have to move a little bit to the left, he’s right there…
Rrrring, ring, ring… startle awake thinking it’s my alarm, but no just an unidentifiable caller, who leaves no message 10 minutes into my nap. Re-situate, get cozy back to sleep, this time until the alarm. As I am awakening I make a mental note of how I am going to groundwork each of the first 4 horses. It goes easy, I am alive and flowing, they are frisky, snorty, fresh from the cool dampness, but they respond nicely and I turn each one out when I am done. Then take out the big horse, brush, saddle, ground work all easy and smooth, until he spies the new round bale, where he tenses just long enough to get my reaction of “hey, I know it’s there, back to work”. He then proceeds to listen, feel, work truly hard at stretching the right leg forward, heel first, now almost finding the full extension we have been reaching for. He is starting to consistently find me and release the tenseness almost to his shoulders. I congratulate him on his try, unsaddle, groom and put him back up, to get out the new horse for day 3 in the cold, dampness to see her response to weather change.
Today the responses to my asked questions are sooner, easier and she spends much time following me with her ears. The feet inspection is improved by no pulling, lifting when asked, and standing quietly as I clean each one out. We progress through a quieter saddling, easier groundwork, and a good twenty minutes riding her with just an ask, her releasing, walking, turning, bending and finally to 3 actual steps backwards. As I am rewarding her with the after grooming, I notice two things. One she is softer, more sure of herself and truly getting into my brushing thing. Two, though she still cocks her head in surprise when I do this for her, a huge indication of being handled like she was just to be rode… just a horse. I am so pleased with my horses, have set everything up for the evening, and my alarm goes off to remind me I have to go drive.
The tiredness hits me again, squarely on my shoulders, directly from all over my body. I know it is pleading with me. I know I need to visualize, something different, in a new direction. There is something right here I can do, should do, will do… I just haven’t figured out what? The first thought is so much is coming together, just allow. But allow what? I put possibilities together, just none of them flow like the horse part, where I feel just so connected and time is not evident. Right now as I type I can feel the tiredness “left”(side) in my face”.
Fixing supper, warming up, looking for a movie for tonight, and expecting a message, this is followed by a big sigh of release and a yawn. I will figure this out, I always do, I so desire to snuggle, talk in person, share the day, mutual hands, feet or back rubs…
She straightens up, becomes the best little handler. Is allowed to mount up, and we play the game of her in front, turning, spinning, trotting, walking, over, around, and through every maze and gate on the place. Finally tired, but smiling, says it’s time to stop, dismounts, changes bridle for halter, gets the horse unsaddled, brushed off and put in her pen. To quickly ask, then sneak to the hay barn for a snack for the little mare since she forgot to bring a treat. They schedule for next week, say their goodbyes, and I do the changing out of saddles and equipment for the new horse’s second day.
I walk in, she eyes me to see what energy I bring and as I close the gate, she presents her rear turns, then walks away. The game begins, I keep wiggling the rope, and she walks faster, I start slowly swinging the lead as she ups her pace. She tries to out stride me in her 20 by 20 pen until she realizes no matter how or where she goes I am right there keeping the pressure on moving her forward. Finally she turns her head at me, I stop, turn and walk away. She turns to face me, I stop, look over my shoulder, turn and step back. She comes toward me, I step back and extend my hand to wait. Within minutes of the game of she leaves, I drive, she stops and looks, I step back to draw her to me, to finally have her head down, licking and chewing to walk up to me to allow me to put the rope and halter one. We then proceed through all the checks on everything I walked her through yesterday, wonderfully the entire session goes from three hours mostly groundwork and a few minutes riding yesterday. To two hours total today, the last twenty minutes done in the saddle. The best part is the glassy eyed, oh no, only showed up twice today and only on her left side.
I take the rest of the horses turn them out, watch a movie, finally put on a side of ribs leaving some for my youngest who spent the day working for his brother to earn back the rest of the borrowed fees from yesterday. I am in charge of my life, I can feel the freedom calling me. I know there is this man who gets, appreciates and is at this same point in his life…headed here… I can see him walking in my driveway, grinning…long sigh!
I get home, we unload feed, my client came to watch me work her horse, ask questions, learn, pick my brain as I play with her horse, asking for softer response each moment, knowing he is feeling my sense of love, fun, and ease at improving the connection between him and me. Then sharing what I am doing with his owner till she understands enough that I can see the physical difference in both her tone and her stance. Ending the session with him softer, more fluid, flexible, tired, but proud of himself for understanding me. His owner commenting on what an incredibly interesting life I have, because interspaced through the entire session, my son wanders through with momentous requests, which I field with looks, body language and temperance. Just like my horses and he gets what he asks for, after he too finds the place of accomplishing what is needed to get the reward he seeks. The owner sees and marvels how all of this stuff ties together, and she schedules her next session.
I get out the appaloosa that belongs to my youngest, today’s session is much like my session with him, he pushes, tries to turn away and act like I am not referring to him, as I stand there and wait until he releases the pressure. No reaction from me when he fiddles, pulls harder, turns his nose up, or wiggles his lip, nothing but patience till he shifts his foot and finally tips his nose, releasing all tension in the rope, to look at me. The look means “is this really all that you want” I grin, we move on to riding, today is much like the pleasure it is becoming in dealing with his owner.
I move to the new horse, she is stiff, braced, looking everywhere, but at me. All the expectations of dealing with her past and what others have done… to “make her ride able”, her eyes are brown, glassy, the whites showing. All the signs of expecting the worse, all tight, tense, ready to push or run over me before I do that or more to her. I start with a brush, a long stroke down the entire length of her body on both sides, then start working of detangling her mane, then the massive tangle in her long, thick to the ground tail. For a solid hour, I detangle both the mess in her tail and the tenseness in her body, as with about every fourth or fifth stroke, I ask her to take a step right, couple more strokes, now step left. The continuous movement of the brushing, breathing, small steps here and there are rhythmic, soothing, almost mesmerizing in there simplicity. They even allow for her couple of times of blowing up, jumping all over the place wild eyed, staring at me, expecting retribution… I just keep slow, quiet, firm and moving her, the brush, me, her tail till I hear this big sigh, and about the same time the final knot comes out of her tail.
I change to the next task, continuing moving her through each situation of asking for her feet, asking her to step forward, to walk over the ground poles, to accept the blankets, to accept the saddle, to allow me to step up in the stirrup, to get on and finally to get her to take willing small uncertain steps around the pen. Each time it is the same slow ask, wait, response, breathe, ask, wait, response, till the right response is found. Slowly her body starts to soften, slower still her head begins to lower, finally I begin to get a softness in her eye. The eye which has changed from hard, glassy, walleyed, to soft, big brown, liquid eyes of relief… I spent four hours with this little mare to get her to go from a state of rigid, dire, “oh no’, to a softer, “what is all of this, not sure but it is definitely worth learning what’s next”.
I love playing with this life I live. I truly am blessed with what I have learned!
My student arrives, we unload her horses, feed mine, head out to pick up the new horse with her filling me in on the things we will work on her two horses for when we get back. She is driving and helping in exchange for lessons. When we get there, we both notice the cutie helping out who is introduced as a college, roper, cutting horse riding cousin. Ashley introduces herself, says he looks familiar and he fills us in on his experiences animal and college wise till they figure out a possibility.
We begin checking out the horse, within 10 minutes all involved know she and her new owner will definitely benefit from the whole month package. I get out the contract, she is filling it out, and up walks cuties dad, who introduces himself and comments on me being about 30…. I tell him load up, he can come with me.
Grinning we get the horse loaded and head to the house. With the new horse’s owner following to see the rest of my evaluation and take her 4th lesson. We get to the place, the horse unloads easy, starts stiff, uncomfortable as I walk her through my asking, listening, feel for me, breathe, try and reward for each right step. Getting to the place of me teaching her to move over when tied, giving to pressure, then ask for the each foot, where the telltale signs of inconsistency shows and whack out she lashes with her hind foot when I work my hand down her leg. Takes thirty minutes, till she is comfortably giving, allowing me minimal handling and cleaning of all four feet, a perfect place to end day one.
The new owner shows her nervousness in the first few minutes of her lesson. A lot of the stress brought on by her wanting this 18 year old give-away to be good, safe prospect for her. Once she begins to breathe, relax, then know that she has done the best possible thing in finding me and trusting me with her very long dream of having her own horse. This is the lady who at 32 was just given her first riding lessons last week. We get done, she is pleased with herself for learning a little bit more today, and realizing things are working out for her.
Pays me, then she and her mom drive off, to suddenly turn around and come back to tell me her dad is headed this way bringing the hay. I tell her that is fine and start with my student’s lesson, first with the saddle fitting and as we are getting her first horse underway with groundwork. Up drives the dad with the cutie and the cutie’s dad all whom after they unload the hay, start socializing, the young cutie makes a beeline to socialize with my student who teases him into getting on my main horse. He starts asking me all the right kind of horse questions; I am eating up all of these great inquiries and the good looking friendly horsemen. Then it’s off they go and back to lessons and riding. My day ends with my truck parts on back order, the meeting of some really nice unexpected people, having fun comparing notes with a favorite student about horses and good horsemen. All of this money coming in from the horse, hauling, and bus checks were given out today.
I know the rest of the pieces are easily and quickly coming in to place, because twice today I got to talk and tell about my future plans for my upcoming new facilities. God I love coming in here and sharing with all of you awesome people. Doubly so, because I get the privilege of writing, sharing and seeing what old stuff starts to come out, to change it for the best possibility before I post and share!
Suddenly there he was realizing, he was in it alone to figure out. Started talking out solutions, expecting answers, help, or contributions, still nothing, until he made an actual decision to just make do with what was there. He ended up making salad, with a sausage, pasta, marinara combination. It was simple, it was good, he did all the steps, by himself.
Though the kitchen took a toll, which started with almost the same routine, I just caught myself in time for “us” to get it cleaner than when I came home. All of it made more possible with a change in my perspective, I am learning to give myself permission to allow him to rant, ramble, fumble, and then decide he is responsible to do his part. Team work, partnership, part of what makes this place a home, two people live here, two people can do so much more than one, and being allowed to make a creative mess, is doing something. Little baby steps for him learning to do it alone. Big baby steps for me, to leave him to figure it out, better when as I learn to keep my mouth closed, not respond the habitual way I use to. Breathing, sighing, as I listen for the timer on the oven, for the chocolate mint cake, I finally had to make, to taste the batter, sweetly, on my tongue… A full mouth is so much easier to keep closed! 😀
I headed out to ride, thinking about that answer and a memory flashed before me of being 5, running away from home, suitcase packed full of all my important things, all the way around the block to the furthest corner from the house, and just standing there defeated, cause I did not have permission to cross the street. Suddenly I see everything in my life these last few months. It’s like I have been looking for permission, how to… what to… where to… if I can… why… My entire life has been pleasing others…looking for permission to be me… Sheesh
Had to go drive, the mechanic called batteries are fine, fully charged, just need an O ring kit. I have taken my life fully back. I now give myself permission to live how, why, where, and whatever that allows me to feel good, great, happy, successful, and smile. I give permission to myself to have others be exactly as I expect, and allow myself to change those expectations in any way that works for me. Now understanding why people sometimes act exactly as I expect, no exceptions… I understand why I got so hooked on Abraham, they never teach what to believe, just to find anyway that allows you to feel good.
Came home to pens being cleaned, troughs cleaned and full, to ride the last horse of the evening, who so tried to get me to buy into how scary my jacket was when I took it off. He and I could feel the confidence just oozing out of me. Finished with the big horse, my youngest fixed supper, while I completely re-drew, re-designed, re-wrote my business contracts and my letter head. Then cleaned off my desk, re-filed my files, last year’s all now in the oldies and the current year files waiting for the new clients to come in and fill them out.
There is so much power in finding I exactly what I have been looking for… PERMISSION… such a simple thing now that I have found it and understand… I give myself permission to succeed, love and be loved…I am so super, duper, fantastically “Jazzzed!”
Sleep: add another blanket, last night’s was creamy ivory soft, fuzzy, fluffy, just enough to hold in the extra warmth. 30 degrees here in Texas
Waking: tend to self’s needs first, let water get hot, add slithery soap to a scruffy wash cloth, make lots of foamy lather, rub briskly on every part of the skin. Scrub my shampoo into cascades of foam, feeling the roots of every lock of hair. Allow the water to cascade off the foam in thorough streams of warmth. Big fuzzy purple towels, one for the body and one for the hair, enjoying all the other nuances in taking care of myself to the perfection of wonderment I am
Driving: start truck and while it is idling, make two brimming cups of chocolaty mint, milk and a little coffee, handing the smaller one to my son and enjoying my drink as I drive into work. Start my bus, enjoying small talk as it warms up, to then pick up and drop off my 3 students.
Truck not firing: have bus mechanics right there to figure it out, give me ride to store to pick up cat and dog food. Spying and purchasing perfect new wall calendar with horses marked down to $2.50. New mechanic helper discovering my horse training asks for card for friend who is having problems starting a new 3 yr old.
Great mornings: choosing the mood that sets the day.
Great challenge: coming in to blog on whatever is going on, to allow mind to organize and see exactly where one is at and how or what one can do to move forward, even a tiny little step.