“No stream or gas drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated and disciplined.” ~Harry E. Fosdick
Monthly Archives: March 2012
Taking the last few days to ponder, watch and further understand the many things that are constantly in my line of vision as I decide upon which road to travel. In all this looking, living, and being aware, just in any moment, I stumbled upon a truth that my inner consciousness has been guiding me toward.
I am fascinated with language, I love to read, use to would read anything that would be in my grasp when I was placed in situations that required waiting. At the doctor’s office, car wash, at a restaurant expecting another or even during the meal if I am alone. Though I am much more fascinated people watching, especially in the check-out lane at stores with all of the most recent magazines, papers, favorite selling books, and the tabloids with their big headlines of the newest or most bizarre things with the expectation of what is of interest to others. My craving to know more about where and if others are fully focusing on what they are about, or are they too sometimes easily pulled off their path by the energy of something new, something different to broaden their minds, fully awaken or further deaden their ability to feel what is going on in their life. Looking for guidance or relief from the pressure of the current big question which feels so stuck in their face, after they have haggled with it, turn it, studied it, fought with it, to be so backed into a corner they give up and wait for what’s next. All of this played out so wonderfully well with my small horse of the touch the rope on my left side and my nose shoots hard to the right. I have studied his reactions, truly paying attention to each small step forward. It occurred to me the knots on the halter in the place they fit on him, might be interfering with what I was asking. In such a mood to listen to my inner guidance, I dug out a much smaller than recommended rope halter, which fit him at its further most end, still fitting with my ability to place a finger under the halter at any point. The material of this halter is much softer, even the knots are more flexible. Allowing me a more flowing feel of ask, to be rewarded with his eye rolling back to see what was up with this new item. To then have his nose come down and slowly(2 minutes) rotate back around to actually look at me, then sigh, to bring his face fully around to the position I have been asking for each day.
Looking at him, noticing the knots on the halter half way down his cheek, in a position of fit typically unrecommended, now comfortably allowing this horse a successful new feeling way of working with me. The knots reminding me of the pulling in the back of my neck on the same side as this horse’s head problem. I suddenly realized a new way to view and feel my own physical situation. All of these knots I have experienced in my body at some time or other in my life, usually have followed being told what I can’t, shouldn’t, don’t, wouldn’t and all the other words that are the contraction of the possible with the word “not”. Suddenly I feel just like the little horse, with this big sigh of relief as I feel the tension lessoning in my body. I now know what it is I have been struggling/contracting so very hard to uncover, undo, understand… I am allowed to be me, when I take a stand, say yes, align my thoughts, ideas, and desire, with the actions of my physical being in total confidence. I stop asking others for yes or no’s, information absolutely, the final choice, totally mine by knowing what “feels” best for me.
All starting with my youngest horse whom I have been slowly re-starting. We had him given to us 6 years ago, a very healthy, terrified, blown up 14 hands gorgeous appaloosa, with a hole, that now shows as a dent in his skull that had been added between his eyes by the previous person who started him. It has been a very long, slow, sometimes careful, sometimes very frustrating process. I just couldn’t leave him the way he was, and he has been tremendously instrumental in my learning to re-start my life by helping me to constantly learn and seek new ways to see his “now” view of life. With no information but the scar and the very reactive to everything horse, which in writing this I realize is exactly where I was at when we first acquired him. Then the year of IT (son’s accident, husband’s disappearance, divorce, betrayals, frustration, anger, sickness) when the only thing left was me to turn it around or quit… not ever an option, I love life way too much, plus I figured I needed the lesson to be learned from all of it.
So like the last few years of my life, now so very mirrored in the interaction with this small horse, who even though I am riding him, I can feel the resistance to let go and completely trust. Very evident when with a rope halter with attatched lead rope on, if one barely picks up the rope and asks for his nose to turn back to his side on the right. Softly, easily he follows the slightest feel on the rope. I walk to the other side, trying for the same soft, barely perceptible feel, yet the moment I touch the rope, he whips his head hard to the right, standing there fully braced and waiting. Yesterday’s time for the first give was 15 minutes on the first attempt, by the fifth he was soft and supple. It is amazing to me that it has taken all this time to get to him this far along. Each day a new test in whether I will repeat whatever he is so sure I might still do… before he turns his head, looks at me, to finally allow me to brush the side of his head and face with my hand.
Today’s session for him with my foot trimmer was flawless in having his feet done, when she asked him to circle first to the right which he easily gave and did, just the slight freezing to the left and her time before he softened was 10 minutes. The changes in the time it takes each time in the last week have been increasing closer together, very much mirroring my unearthing and discovering the old “wisps of thoughts” that still cause me to freeze, check, look around, then breathe as I change one more old worn out idea, to allow the new easier thought to become my new way of thinking, and being. In going to lunch to day with my trimmer friend, as we were discussing the yucks and the goodies, I began to pay attention to the energy flow. Noticing both of our energies dipped when we stayed on an unhappy conversation for more than 10 seconds, and that is was so uncomfortable that either one of us quickly helped the other to find the better feeling place where the conversation would pick up and just flow.
I became so fascinated with our good, easy, flowing thoughts, versus how murky and slow it became when an old hurt would surface. I decide to test for it in my writing, to discover wonderfully when I typed about the little horse’s past issues it felt like it took so long to describe and uncomfortable to remember. Yet in typing about his progress with me and then my trimmer friend (like right now) my fingers just fly across the keyboard. Allowing me to surmise, doing something fun is good and easy, wallowing is slow and yucky…DUH! Big no brainer… If it feels uncomfortable, I think of Abraham’s voice in the background saying “Do something else, do anything else, till the curse lifts!” which makes me laugh and I find something more fun, comfortable or enjoyable to do!
Testing… I love each and everyone in my world, whom shares and contributes in all forms and fashions, because of the wonderful pallet of opportunity it brings me to see how my life is flowing and what I can choose to focus on, change if I desire, say “no thank you to” to that I feel does not work for me, and enjoy, by diving in all of that which entertains me, lightens my heart and makes me want more!!
Where we look, what we focus on, what we truly see… Today has been a day all about noticing. Where my eyes look, how it is I interpret what I see through my perceptions of life colored by the experiences I have lived. This morning’s thought for a post basically set the tone for the day. All because I bought a web cam for my reintroduction into the use of Skype to talk to a wonderful new friend I have been learning about, sharing and emailing with in the last few months. In my wish to shorten the distance of time communication from here in Texas to the wonderful world of Australia 20 hours or so into my future, spanning the immense distance in physical time and space.
As I was setting up the camera after connecting it to my pc, I became aware of my now physical facial features in a non-posed format. Which took me back to a picture taken of me for a id badge almost 3 years ago, in a rather shocking realization that I had more stuff to do in reclaiming the full normal movement of all of my facial muscles. Interesting even as I write this over what normal, okay, alright, acceptable and perfect is to who, when, and why. Knowing that in each second of one’s life there is a constant change going on. The only real things that photographs, film, videos and everything else that holds a record of any kind does, is stop time in that moment. Which then anyone, and everyone who views it afterward then tends to judge, view, rate, or understand it from the norms of where they are at in the area, lifestyle, experiences, expectations and desires they have for their world, and what they believe.
My morning thoughts started with thoughts about my face and how much I so desire, intend and expect to eventually get it moving and looking like I am fully flowing with life. I thought about how great my face works now, as long as I am smiling and not talking, then the stuck in a smile frozen in time place is okay. When the thought occurred to me about so many of the pictures I see in the world, which ones are the ones I notice and why. I became aware of all the glamorous selling something ads and how many of them are people truly smiling in.
The awareness washed over me as to how my casual observance noted there were many intense, focused faces, which even in there posed glamour and glitz. Were no matches for the beauty found in a real smile of joy, peace, fulfillment and true living of life. Where and when did it become so important to me to fit in, get it right, follow the rules to make another happy, to become just okay, to do what makes another feel better about themselves if it cost me one iota of the joy in my heart of just breathing another breath in. Enjoying the feel of soap, bubbling, foaming, lathering up in my fingers, as I relish in the warmth of water flowing from my faucet. As I cleanse the day of living my life in total joy of each moment, as I interact in the dance of being one with each and every second of my life. I now realize I fit in by being me, loving me, accepting me for the love of connection to my incredible self for each new thought, idea, and observation I bring to this world because that is why I was created. Unique, incredible, different, learning, changing, expanding, and sharing with every other creation in this world, I so love my life and all that has happened, is happening and will happen. Why live any other way, than doing what one loves, enjoys and is!
Truly I did not even begin to realize how much havoc I was allowing in my life, before I discovered slowing down, paying attention, getting focused on one single thing at a time. In this process of taking my life back from others who I so easily gave my rights over to in my misunderstanding of my own importance. With the cat out of the house, I have had two incredible nights of truly undisturbed sleep. Which I also noticed in my short nap a while ago, there is so much more room on the sofa, when I am not shifting away from the needling of her claws, the being walked on, or meowed in the face for her needs. Funny thing is my son (whose cat it is supposed to be) yesterday got concerned with her being outside under the house meowing forlornly like she wanted to come back in. Hissed at him when he called for her to come in, causing him to immediately change from feeling guilty, into “I guess she’s figuring it out” as he refilled her bowls and came back inside.
Kind of the same thing he is doing, as each time he comes to me with some new, important thing he wants help with, that is anything other than the tasks he is expected to complete. I stay focused, ask if the chore is done, and then when the answer is no, I reiterate “I am important!” knowing he too will figure this out, that things are different. With each of us responsible for our part, I have changed, I love myself even more, and have found several other wonderful aspects to all of this digging out from others well-meaning teachings that I misinterpreted. By internalizing their attitudes, their bad days, or their own understandings of what they were saying as gospel. To find the truths for me, as me, knowing full well I do not wear my hair the same, have the same nose, leg length, fingernails, size pants, shoes, taste in clothes, food, etc. etc. It is all these differences that make the world go round, each little thing is what causes us to enjoy the unusual and different that works for us. The same thing all the time would be boring, it’s the ups and downs, the zigs and zags, the laughter, and the tears that help us to decide what it is we want more of…I want to do the things that are fun, the things that cause my life to flow.
The upside of the last few weeks of clearing things out internally, I have discovered I gain a little weight as my body waits on me to listen to It over something I am doing that is no longer working for me. When I slow down, truly listen, feel, and hear what is going on around me, paying attention mostly to what I am telling another. I can learn what it is I need, by hearing, really hearing what it is I am telling them.
I knew I had added a little weight this last week or so, as I got out from under the weight of my being unimportant, to discover all the puffiness had disappeared, all of my clothes are looser, comfortably moving with my body as I do each of my horses and the two lessons of the day. I am loving the patience my body has shared and taught me in all of this learning to wait and follow the feel of what feels better. It is so easy, just took a while for me to face, really face that the answers from the Universe have this perfect way of communicating with me through my body, when I figured out it was and is okay to trust, really trust me. God made me in his perfect image of me…Who can argue with that!
Well this is sort of true, she is no longer a residence in my house as of 8:30 last night and it’s because I Love Me and this has a whole lot to do with maintaining my intention to take care of me… first! Setting the stage from her origins in our household seven years ago when my youngest wanted a kitty to call his own. Since my eldest and me shared the affection of my gray manx cat Minxy, I made an agreement with him and his behavior smiley faces at school. When he got two weeks’ worth of top smiley faces we would find him a kitten. Needless to say, two week later after seeing the free kittens sign at the vet’s office. We stopped in to get the last one, all alone in the great big cage, this small, loudly meowing kitten. Which was promptly named KC (kitty cat), moved into our three bedroom house to “share” with my cat, little suspecting how opinionated and hostile one small kitten can be. Within the time of three months, she had ripped, torn, and attacked my wonderful inside cat of five years, into suddenly darting out the front door, to better take her chances with hunting and the cold over this small, angry, selfish kitten. It being my youngest cat, and mine so quick to adapt to the outside with her occasional deposits of deceased vermin in exchange for food and attention. You would think there would be peace, but no, the dislike for any attention to go to anyone but her, caused her to race out the door at the first sign of mine to attack and annoy her over her still being present on the “queen’s” property. There were skirmishes with both of my sons over whose turn to do what animal care, and a whole lot of teasing of this already ornery cat. Till pretty soon, she had taken over my bed, the underneath side to attack me or anyone else if they were to venture with in range of my room. The topside at night as I slept, she would walk up and down on top of me if there was not enough food in her bowl, this combined with this constant wining during the day because I would not keep her bowl full to her liking. Add to that this a personality that would only come visit or socialize when she was hungry, and bite anyone should they reach down to pet her for more than a stroke or too and not get up to feed her. Combined with a water pistol as of late to allow me peace in my part of the house and making her wait till the two feedings I do for everything on this place, continued till last night, when it dawned on me. I allowed a little boy and cat to run roughshod over my cat and my house to they could be comfortable in calling the shots.
So when I opened the door to call my cat and miss priss came over for her usual run out and attack, I placed her bowl full of food out the door and closed it behind her. She bellowed, and meowed and finally went through the cat door under the house. Where this morning I found an empty bowl at her spot and out the other door sat my cat waiting patiently to be fed.
To take this a step further in my exploration of staying focused on my intent to take care of me. I became aware of something nagging at me, this slight pain in the back of my neck on the right side. As my youngest and me were leaving this morning after his not following through on any of yesterday’s chores, I heard myself saying the following “If I’m not important, you’re not important!” Not realizing the habitual word play I was describing about myself and how much all of this so ties together. I went to work and tapped about the pain, the cat, and any and everything else that came up. To come back home later, still tapping as memory after memory came up to be addressed, and released…just a little. After saddling my third horse, I came back in, sat down just for a minute or two, so tired, so lethargic, and found myself asleep/half dozing and this scene from my childhood vividly played out before me, of my father yelling at me, telling me “those animals depend on you, you don’t eat till they are taken care of first”. Knowing full well I was remembering a page from my past at about age 6 to 8, I suddenly felt the full weight of my value in his words…I internalized that “ I was not important”. The minute the weight of those words came up fully from my unconscious, I startled to awaken aware of the years’ worth of taking care of others, always before me. Why the habitual phrase “If I’m not important, You’re not important!” kept popping up in conversations with my kids, spouses, relatives, and some friends whenever I finally would have had enough.
I am now taking back my life, one old unnoticed habit at a time. Which includes “letting the cat out of the bag”, a phrase I heard a lot as a child, because we were told/taught our relatives were way to nosy, and “what happens at home stays at home”. Looking back I can see my parents were just living out that which was done and acceptable to them, to us, because it was the way things were. Now, having knowledge and understanding I can consciously changing one more habit I had not noticed I was doing, to now consciously change my wording to “I Am Important!” Cause I R, I are, I Absolutely Are Important!
Been doing a lot of reading lately both from WordPress and from the various emails I receive from several horse sources. My way of allowing information to come in that I get to choose, though my choosing is of a feeling nature, usually I can sense whether I should or should not open, before even opening it. With the added guidance of as I read a once opened email, I usually get a little into reading one before I continue or decide that the enclosed information differs so much from the life I intend to now pursue, I just hit delete. Even more enjoyable as of late is emptying the spam mail without even checking what is there. Seems I have suddenly become the attractant to a bulk of spam, from where I have not a clue, but to just decide I feel no attachment to perusing each item and would rather spend my time elsewhere. Hitting the delete button is so liberating. My favorite pastime of late is to be amused by having a thought that feels how I am intending my life. To then open several emails the morning after, and all of those emails coincide with what I have decided, like having the Universe ask “More of this” and I keep answering “yes, please”. To arrive at my growing solid awareness of when I maintain my focus in how I desire to understand or know something. The Universe lines up all of the resources, and the events of the day…to make it all happen exactly in that format, or I am guided to more material or manifestations which help me to choose a new way or line of thinking. I am learning that my attention to my intention is so obviously important, especially with my son and the horses. If I allow them to distract me, cause me to look away or lose focus. I am suddenly miles away from the solution I was aiming for. There had been so much of this redirecting of me, before I recognized and caught my green eyed monster, that the getting mad and angry turned out to be just smoke screens that caused me to get pulled off the solution I could see, just glimmering a few more inches to the right. Funny now when it even begins to happen, I catch myself going “one goal at a time…focus…focus…focus” until I get my balance back and then get the imagined result I was moving toward. Even better is now I can do this with two, three, even four things happening all simultaneously and still stay on tract. I just love how things keep working out for me…better and better every day!
Not the kind of worms you fish with, more an idea that no longer has staying power when one has entirely new information actually experienced firsthand. This was how a huge part of my day was spent after uncovering the reason for these last few years of being so extremely mad when I did allow myself to become angry, in retrospect I feel like a myth buster. First I have uncovered all the myths about what makes one look ugly (read previous post for more detail). Second I learned working is not what makes you tired, one gets tired when one keeps doing the exact same thing, with all the exact same ingredientss, and then expecting different results. Third sleep does not always rejuvenate you, especially if you use it to get away from the things you are tired of. It’s just a temporary reprieve, till you open your eyes and the mess is still there. Lastly there are a ton of things you might have been told, by well-meaning people, who learned it from other well-meaning people, that until you actually experience it and get the stated results may or may not be true. It’s the same as playing the game whisper, where all sit in a circle, the first person whispers a phrase to the next person and writes it down, who then whispers what they thought they heard to the next person, each whispered phrase is then continually whispered from person to person till it gets back to the first person who writes the final whisper down. The two phrases usually cause the entire circle to break up in laughter over how different the final result is. Bringing me to the results I had today. First a nap after my routes and feeding, gifted to me by the Universe providing a massive storm, lots of rain, and ground way to wet and slippery to ride on. So I chose to make use of this opening after tapping all morning on my route over the newly exposed old stories, and hidden keys I had uncovered, causing tiredness from old sluggish moving/changing angry/mad/ no it was jealousy energy. Set the alarm for an hour, to wake up two and a half hours later feeling like an entirely new person, with a whole other view of life. Straightened a few things up, took pictures of my finished window: Then the grass situation, past the tires on and on the right is what is still not cut: Went and drove my route, grocery shopped, picked up my son, to come home and ride my current client horse on the now drier ground (I love my sandy, light on the clay dirt) To play with another myth: Horses gaping their mouths because of hands on the bit or the type of bit being used ( too big, to tight, to cruel, to small etc. etc.) I have discovered in my observation of the many re-trained horses I have had to do in the last few years. Many of these horses have been taught to gape their mouth for their riders, because the riders feel the release when the horse opens its mouth, so they give the release of the reins as a reward. Not intentionally, most are inexperienced riders doing the best they can with the information they have learned, then trying to find the feel with no one watching the horse to see that the horse is opening its mouth, not just taking the pressure off the bit. Working with this much older mare (she is being re-started at 20) who at first, constantly opened and closed, threw her head side to side, moving her entire head the second there was any contact on the rein. It has been a slow process to wait for her to relax her each particular part of her head, then poll, then closing her mouth, till tonight, for several minutes at a time, she was just walking, quietly holding the bit, on a set of just barely picked up with contact reins. All of this piddling, playing, working and assisting horses and riders to have a new understanding with each other, suddenly makes me re-think tons of old critiques I have used and heard about an animal being in pain, because they ring their tail, gape their mouth, or pin their ears. Not saying sometimes the remark does fit. It’s just sometimes I watch fantastic rides, almost phenomenal ones till someone is there picking it apart for something that might not even be what is actually going on. These animals in my care have shown me that they listen and try to respond to us, so very much faster than we do them. Because they always live right now, in the moment. They have to; it is what they do instead of worrying or thinking about next week or last year. It’s easier, kind of like I feel the more I choose to be like the animals and some people I meet as I love and learn from!
It has definitely been a wild last few months, one with the fits of anger, so laden with guilt. Guilt that was doing such a wonderful job of being a fantastic smoke screen for the “uglies” which been hiding in the closet of my mind, just waiting for each time I attempted to be an honestly, angry me. Now peacefully at ease over my recent the closet cleaning, I could focus more attention on my grass cutting dilemma. I have in the last few weeks, made several attempts to cut, weedeat, and trim my place. With a definite stalled again, and again attempt at getting “all” of my grass cut. The first attempt had the two sides of the drive cut, the front yard, and one-eighth of my riding area, when the belt snapped. So out came the brand new push mower, which netted behind the house up to the barn, and down one side of the house, it died, fouled out the carberator so to the shop it went. Knowing that weed eating makes the lawn look sharp and clean, I got busy and made it around the house before it seized up on me. So I took it to the shop, where it too now sits in line to be fixed when??? The riding mower came back Saturday, I took off, new belts, new blades, so I lowered it and quickly went over the areas from the last few weeks. Amazed at how easily two hours later I am now tackling the first few passes of the untouched tall thick clover, it so much slower over these areas that have been soaked in rain on and off for the last month or so. But one pass, becomes two, then three, till I am 5 passes further out, when there is this huge clanging, banging. Oh my God, now what, as I quickly turn off the mower, crawl underneath to check what just happened, to find one of the new blades has unscrewed itself. I in frustration and guilt (it is borrowed) call to make arrangements for it to get fixed. Grab the old weed eater to get the inside areas trimmed and the head comes loose… Uncle, already, I give, as I survey the partially finished area, later with my EFT/Abe croney. She comments on how I have cleared out the center and can work, just not able to get to the boundaries. I study on this observation long after she leaves. Fascinated also with her observance of my son and his friends, with their interactions of who gets who to do what. Annoyed at first, till I keep turning the annoyed feeling around, & I suddenly find myself staring straight into the eyes of “the green-eyed monster..is going to eat you alive!” Here playing out before me is this statement I grew up with, always being told not to be jealous cause the girls were smaller and because I was “a big girl” I “got to” do all the work. Now I understand why watching or noticing anyone manipulating anyone else “was” getting to me. I am green eyed (the only one in the family) I internalized this to mean all work, no play. I have found one more “boundary” I am cutting down, clearing out, EFT tapping away…I love this game of paying attention, I love knowing I am cutting through tons of red tape “no, no’s” and that is so perfect. All of this being accomplished 25 days before Mars goes forward. I am on such a roll!
They found me yesterday, as I was going about my rampage of cleaning up with the aid of the riding mower back with two new blades and a new belt. I had this short space of time in between lessons, and I so love the instant manifestation I get out of a freshly mowed and weed eated yard. Loving so much the feel of the power to make such quick, seeable changes, doubly so to get so engrossed with feel of getting the mower on just the right path to accomplish the most work of both cutting and clearing the new cut grass. Lost in the thought of the feeling such magnificent ability to change in such a very viewable way, when the idea of seeing another from an unbiased, unconditional way that I had newly re-discovered earlier came upon me. Then unbidden from my past started coming statements about my being ugly when I was younger, from my Granny, my mom, and several other older women from back then. These statements, “you look so ugly when you do that; That’s so ugly of you! How can you be so ugly to your sister! Don’t you know you are being ugly when you don’t share! It is so ugly of you to be angry! And on and on… I was so surprised with each statement that came up. So I started tapping, recognizing them, thanking them, and then letting them go, amazed at the peace that started replacing all of that old stuff. At the time they were said, not meant in any way, except an expression of the time, a threat used to get another to stop whatever behavior another judged as wrong or inappropriate. Just to my young mind, a further justification of the thing that must be wrong with me, why I didn’t fit in. This was a belief, which for years has kept me captive, even more so on the day I gave vent to my anger of the situations going on in my life, mad enough to continue raging for what felt like hours. Though in looking back to that time, it was just long enough to allow out this need to be heard, causing my body to reel in shock, collapse, and disbelief of my crossing the threshold of good, loving, kind (doormat). Into mad, angry, I want and deserve it now. So my face gave me permission to be without restraint, no feeling, no movement, no nerves working on the left side of my face, so I could fulfill that deep-seated belief of “I am ugly if I get angry at another”. In musing back now, 24 hours later as to my realization, aware of the journey of the last 5 years, almost attaining all movement again as I no longer leave myself out of being fully allowed to do whatever I please, however I choose, because only I know what I need, believe, and desire. I am a wonderful, caring, loving, creator…creating my dreams as I allow myself to breathe, fully in each and every moment. As I re-create each area of my life, I examine the old, keep what is of value to me, dissolve, give away, or change any and everything that comes into my realm of awareness. Giving back, that which is truly felt as deserving from within my heart and soul! I love my life, breathing in, breathing out, tasting each and every moment!