From Going Deep Within..
Haven’t been writing in a while, even the start of this feels a little slow to warm up to mostly cause I have been digging, considering, figuring and allowing myself…to find out about me! Simple enough though it would seem, except for the layers of a life time of other people’s opinions, ideas, thoughts, wishes, and expectations of or about me that I have found and decided to go deep underneath the pile of accumulated knowledge to find how much of me, was really the me I intend to continue to be. A big portion of all of this searching I realize came from my response of the constant stream of things I do every day in observing or participating in the world that surrounds me, and I invite in for deeper introspection when I put my full focused attention upon it. Sometimes finding startling clues to doors in my mind, I have closed in my misunderstanding of my ability or right to even consider perusing, much less actually having the right to be or want what is in there. So as I dug, I discovered anger: deep, huge, ugly walls of roaring rage from denying myself to desire small, big, little, even large things, and I allowed the anger out. First little bits of it, afraid of its (I’ve been taught) destructive power, then more and more and more till it all came boiling out… finding myself more whole, more settled, more just okay, with my ability to just be… angry. Then I dug to discover hunger: fasts, starvation, deprivation, denial, loss, to snacking, sampling, eating, gorging, fully stuffing myself; again starting with small portions, till I fully embraced the feeling. Slowly step by step, feeling by feeling, I found my way through the myriad of possibilities, the misplaced puzzle pieces, the strangely placed, out of sync directions to my soul. It felt dark, encumbering, lonely, slow, tiring, encouraging, and finally fulfilling as I reconnected to the many parts of me, I slowly embraced and made peace with. First feeling I was working on this large puzzle of my life, until I began to step back to find the bigger perspective in this trail of backward movement in response to my desire to be clean, clear, and thoroughly knowledgeable about me, before I make any more definitive steps, toward my deep long time desires, hopes and dreams which have been quietly put on hold, as I knowingly rearranged my present understanding of myself. Yesterday’s discovery was the benchmark I was so in need of locating, after the path that had revealed itself to me last weekend. The path of stepping stones of my life, each stone made up of an individual puzzle, some in my journey back in time I discovered were assembled, just with pieces not quite in the right order. So I stopped, took them apart, slowly, lovingly found the feel of how they fit for me “now”, moving from one stepping stone puzzle to the next, till I had traced back to the puzzle stepping stone of punishment. The I so wanted to be right, because in my memory, wrong equated being punishable. I found the little girl/family misfit and sat with her most of the morning, tapping on this being right or punishable. Till I found the piece so shoved in to the border, pried it loose to find the only one still punishing me, was me, in my habit of hanging on to that old thought. Once I rearranged the pieces, I found the opposite dilemma of reward only if I did it in the manner expected or accepted. This piece was much easier to dislodge, turn around and lovingly replace. To finally find the biggest piece(peace) I had been seeking, it’s all within each and every one of us. We are just so conditioned to fit in, be compared to someone else, be someone to please another’s idea for us, there seems to be this incredible tug of war that some of us are stuck in, looking for all the answers out there. When the feelings of what feels good within us at birth to guide us are dimmed and silenced by those who love us with the best intentions. Coming from lives lived in adapting to their growing up in environments which did not always encourage living life to the fullest for themselves. I have my youngest son to thank for my peaceful direction forward as a writer, trainer, lover, teacher, competitor, friend, and adventurer. From the last few weeks of fighting, struggling, forcing, feuding, finally giving up as he received expulsion from alternative school to end up in boot camp. My total dismayal and horror of being a unacceptable mother, turned around to find his calling in his flat out excelling at all this hard, rigorous, physically testing, strenuously rigid, format. That he is so excited, and totally enjoying, working toward a “t-shirt” as Elite Squad Cadet Leader. My fighting for him to be okay, was just the thorn, begging to get out about me being okay as me! There is tons more about the horses, the cats, the dogs, and the clients within theses last few weeks, which contributed to my new understanding, which will unfold blog by blog, now that I have found a stronger, better connection to the me within me!