Understanding the Uglies
They found me yesterday, as I was going about my rampage of cleaning up with the aid of the riding mower back with two new blades and a new belt. I had this short space of time in between lessons, and I so love the instant manifestation I get out of a freshly mowed and weed eated yard. Loving so much the feel of the power to make such quick, seeable changes, doubly so to get so engrossed with feel of getting the mower on just the right path to accomplish the most work of both cutting and clearing the new cut grass. Lost in the thought of the feeling such magnificent ability to change in such a very viewable way, when the idea of seeing another from an unbiased, unconditional way that I had newly re-discovered earlier came upon me. Then unbidden from my past started coming statements about my being ugly when I was younger, from my Granny, my mom, and several other older women from back then. These statements, “you look so ugly when you do that; That’s so ugly of you! How can you be so ugly to your sister! Don’t you know you are being ugly when you don’t share! It is so ugly of you to be angry! And on and on… I was so surprised with each statement that came up. So I started tapping, recognizing them, thanking them, and then letting them go, amazed at the peace that started replacing all of that old stuff. At the time they were said, not meant in any way, except an expression of the time, a threat used to get another to stop whatever behavior another judged as wrong or inappropriate. Just to my young mind, a further justification of the thing that must be wrong with me, why I didn’t fit in. This was a belief, which for years has kept me captive, even more so on the day I gave vent to my anger of the situations going on in my life, mad enough to continue raging for what felt like hours. Though in looking back to that time, it was just long enough to allow out this need to be heard, causing my body to reel in shock, collapse, and disbelief of my crossing the threshold of good, loving, kind (doormat). Into mad, angry, I want and deserve it now. So my face gave me permission to be without restraint, no feeling, no movement, no nerves working on the left side of my face, so I could fulfill that deep-seated belief of “I am ugly if I get angry at another”. In musing back now, 24 hours later as to my realization, aware of the journey of the last 5 years, almost attaining all movement again as I no longer leave myself out of being fully allowed to do whatever I please, however I choose, because only I know what I need, believe, and desire. I am a wonderful, caring, loving, creator…creating my dreams as I allow myself to breathe, fully in each and every moment. As I re-create each area of my life, I examine the old, keep what is of value to me, dissolve, give away, or change any and everything that comes into my realm of awareness. Giving back, that which is truly felt as deserving from within my heart and soul! I love my life, breathing in, breathing out, tasting each and every moment!