The Green-Eyed Monster
It has definitely been a wild last few months, one with the fits of anger, so laden with guilt. Guilt that was doing such a wonderful job of being a fantastic smoke screen for the “uglies” which been hiding in the closet of my mind, just waiting for each time I attempted to be an honestly, angry me. Now peacefully at ease over my recent the closet cleaning, I could focus more attention on my grass cutting dilemma. I have in the last few weeks, made several attempts to cut, weedeat, and trim my place. With a definite stalled again, and again attempt at getting “all” of my grass cut. The first attempt had the two sides of the drive cut, the front yard, and one-eighth of my riding area, when the belt snapped. So out came the brand new push mower, which netted behind the house up to the barn, and down one side of the house, it died, fouled out the carberator so to the shop it went. Knowing that weed eating makes the lawn look sharp and clean, I got busy and made it around the house before it seized up on me. So I took it to the shop, where it too now sits in line to be fixed when??? The riding mower came back Saturday, I took off, new belts, new blades, so I lowered it and quickly went over the areas from the last few weeks. Amazed at how easily two hours later I am now tackling the first few passes of the untouched tall thick clover, it so much slower over these areas that have been soaked in rain on and off for the last month or so. But one pass, becomes two, then three, till I am 5 passes further out, when there is this huge clanging, banging. Oh my God, now what, as I quickly turn off the mower, crawl underneath to check what just happened, to find one of the new blades has unscrewed itself. I in frustration and guilt (it is borrowed) call to make arrangements for it to get fixed. Grab the old weed eater to get the inside areas trimmed and the head comes loose… Uncle, already, I give, as I survey the partially finished area, later with my EFT/Abe croney. She comments on how I have cleared out the center and can work, just not able to get to the boundaries. I study on this observation long after she leaves. Fascinated also with her observance of my son and his friends, with their interactions of who gets who to do what. Annoyed at first, till I keep turning the annoyed feeling around, & I suddenly find myself staring straight into the eyes of “the green-eyed monster..is going to eat you alive!” Here playing out before me is this statement I grew up with, always being told not to be jealous cause the girls were smaller and because I was “a big girl” I “got to” do all the work. Now I understand why watching or noticing anyone manipulating anyone else “was” getting to me. I am green eyed (the only one in the family) I internalized this to mean all work, no play. I have found one more “boundary” I am cutting down, clearing out, EFT tapping away…I love this game of paying attention, I love knowing I am cutting through tons of red tape “no, no’s” and that is so perfect. All of this being accomplished 25 days before Mars goes forward. I am on such a roll!