I Let The Cat Out…
Well this is sort of true, she is no longer a residence in my house as of 8:30 last night and it’s because I Love Me and this has a whole lot to do with maintaining my intention to take care of me… first! Setting the stage from her origins in our household seven years ago when my youngest wanted a kitty to call his own. Since my eldest and me shared the affection of my gray manx cat Minxy, I made an agreement with him and his behavior smiley faces at school. When he got two weeks’ worth of top smiley faces we would find him a kitten. Needless to say, two week later after seeing the free kittens sign at the vet’s office. We stopped in to get the last one, all alone in the great big cage, this small, loudly meowing kitten. Which was promptly named KC (kitty cat), moved into our three bedroom house to “share” with my cat, little suspecting how opinionated and hostile one small kitten can be. Within the time of three months, she had ripped, torn, and attacked my wonderful inside cat of five years, into suddenly darting out the front door, to better take her chances with hunting and the cold over this small, angry, selfish kitten. It being my youngest cat, and mine so quick to adapt to the outside with her occasional deposits of deceased vermin in exchange for food and attention. You would think there would be peace, but no, the dislike for any attention to go to anyone but her, caused her to race out the door at the first sign of mine to attack and annoy her over her still being present on the “queen’s” property. There were skirmishes with both of my sons over whose turn to do what animal care, and a whole lot of teasing of this already ornery cat. Till pretty soon, she had taken over my bed, the underneath side to attack me or anyone else if they were to venture with in range of my room. The topside at night as I slept, she would walk up and down on top of me if there was not enough food in her bowl, this combined with this constant wining during the day because I would not keep her bowl full to her liking. Add to that this a personality that would only come visit or socialize when she was hungry, and bite anyone should they reach down to pet her for more than a stroke or too and not get up to feed her. Combined with a water pistol as of late to allow me peace in my part of the house and making her wait till the two feedings I do for everything on this place, continued till last night, when it dawned on me. I allowed a little boy and cat to run roughshod over my cat and my house to they could be comfortable in calling the shots.
So when I opened the door to call my cat and miss priss came over for her usual run out and attack, I placed her bowl full of food out the door and closed it behind her. She bellowed, and meowed and finally went through the cat door under the house. Where this morning I found an empty bowl at her spot and out the other door sat my cat waiting patiently to be fed.
To take this a step further in my exploration of staying focused on my intent to take care of me. I became aware of something nagging at me, this slight pain in the back of my neck on the right side. As my youngest and me were leaving this morning after his not following through on any of yesterday’s chores, I heard myself saying the following “If I’m not important, you’re not important!” Not realizing the habitual word play I was describing about myself and how much all of this so ties together. I went to work and tapped about the pain, the cat, and any and everything else that came up. To come back home later, still tapping as memory after memory came up to be addressed, and released…just a little. After saddling my third horse, I came back in, sat down just for a minute or two, so tired, so lethargic, and found myself asleep/half dozing and this scene from my childhood vividly played out before me, of my father yelling at me, telling me “those animals depend on you, you don’t eat till they are taken care of first”. Knowing full well I was remembering a page from my past at about age 6 to 8, I suddenly felt the full weight of my value in his words…I internalized that “ I was not important”. The minute the weight of those words came up fully from my unconscious, I startled to awaken aware of the years’ worth of taking care of others, always before me. Why the habitual phrase “If I’m not important, You’re not important!” kept popping up in conversations with my kids, spouses, relatives, and some friends whenever I finally would have had enough.
I am now taking back my life, one old unnoticed habit at a time. Which includes “letting the cat out of the bag”, a phrase I heard a lot as a child, because we were told/taught our relatives were way to nosy, and “what happens at home stays at home”. Looking back I can see my parents were just living out that which was done and acceptable to them, to us, because it was the way things were. Now, having knowledge and understanding I can consciously changing one more habit I had not noticed I was doing, to now consciously change my wording to “I Am Important!” Cause I R, I are, I Absolutely Are Important!