What a word to hear, much less understand and take in. Though it is funny how it sort of mirrors the energy of the last three days of a funky, strange, swirling, sticky maze I find myself wandering through, just minutes away from the exit. To find myself firmly tangled in this stubborn, persistantly, spreading weed which keeps reappearing after I hack off the top, not getting the root out.
I came in to write after the visit with my youngest son’s PO counselor, feeling like I have been some sort of traitor to my family. Because I spoke the truth of the moment, of this morning, of yesterday, last week, last month, all these many minutes, hours, days and years of a lifetime of turning the other cheek, “What happens at home, stays at home!”
I walked into an appointment, really not caring about my son nearly as much as caring about me. Just wanting relief, being free of the responsibility of others problems, situations, and fires they keep setting as they expect and use to know I would cover for them or bail them out. Not today, not anymore, I so desire this freedom that is just inches away from me. I feel the keys are in my hand, one door today which I fully opened, examined, and displayed just like it is. No judgment, no right or wrong, just it is what it is. Expecting “eternal damnation” (of all things) from opening my mouth, saying what I felt, understood, and knew. To be amazed by being offered understanding, listening, being heard and then offered help. No judgment, just acceptance, awareness of what was going on or happening from a much broader perspective than the limited view from my central location(the eye of the storm) in the midst of all of this stuck energy. To be then offered a description I could not see, realize or understand from my vantage point of single mom, EMT, boss, driver, etc. As he took down notes, timelines, situations, the details of the last several years, explaining how my son is stuck in a form of depression, not knowing how to process the life he has experienced from his dad’s abrupt disappearance.
I left the talk feeling guilty, a fink, lost in my ramblings here, until my best friend called, we talked through it, compared the feelings, situations, inputs, expectations and backgrounds of the few still firmly rooted problems, now being examined in a different light of new direction. Feeling like I have come out of the closet… to be joined by those who also may have been feeling misplaced, odd, not fitting in, yet deeply knowing there is a huge part of us that is so deserving of all of God’s love. Who created us in his image of purity, perfection, and grace, that we are slowly uncovering past the truths of others opinions, ideas and beliefs. To find we fully deserve all the love we are opening up to receive because we are truly wonderful and important…just like we are!