Power of Judgment Versus the Feel of Awareness
I wrote, I took a nap, I let the present slip away, deep down under my favorite fuzzy cream colored blanket. In a house with the thermostat put all the way down to 68 degree’s the perfect temperature for me to let go, get away, lost in the dialogue of the meditation currently playing on my computer. To be, what felt like, abruptly awakened by the alarm, to just lay there and feel all of me coming back to my reality of here and now.
I took note of my body, which was profusely thanking me for listening, laying down, letting go and allowing it to rejuvenate from all the pressure I have been putting on myself over what will he think, how will he act, and do I really need to concern myself with that. Feeling no resistance to the last thought, I got up, shut off the alarm, then the meditation, to follow the feel to check my email.
Amazed that in the short hour of my nap, Margarita has already posted an awesome reply to my blog, which as I read I feel new insights coming to the forefront of my cells. I have this intuition nudging me to look closer, see what it is I have been so reactive to. Ever curious I follow the nudge to open the home page of my computer, to be drawn to the post about bad prom pictures. So I open it, scan through the pics others have shared of a mark in time, of a moment that is locked in the freeze frame to be shared, mocked, hid away, or whatever one decides is best for any memory. Curiously at the end of the series I then stumble upon another set of pics about kids’ first Santa pictures, interestingly it is of the worst first for many to the magic of Christmas to come.
Spying the time I head out to the critters, to groom my dog, and each horse in turn. Feeling years of self-recrimination coming up from all kinds of old memories, my mind awake and aware of the many jumbled thoughts, slowly making a trail of understanding out of my morning and my past. I feel for answers that resonate with my body of the words judgment, right, wrong, good, bad, yes, no, love and hate. Fascinated as stories begin to show themselves of me as the EMT specialist of many years ago, this person I am now understanding and appreciating, who accomplished and endured all of that to make it to now.
The day at an arena where twice, with two totally different owners, horses, and ages, with the exact same type bit, within a few hours of each other. A rider would come in to run barrels at full speed; the bit would break in two, sending the terrified horse and rider at full uncontrollable speed, lapping the arena. With so many standing aghast, just watching, screaming, and waiting for something worse to happen. To find me, instinctive, reactive, totally aware, over the fence, confronting the runaways head on, to get first the little girl and her horse stopped, then about three hours later the young woman and her horse stopped. Both highly appreciative, glad to be safe, back on the ground, with their family and friends just as grateful.
It’s the other memory that is freeze framed, the one of judgment…”what were you thinking, you could have been killed, are you crazy, where was your head at”. Right now my mind stops, my whole body suddenly breaks into huge applause. I didn’t judge, try to figure it out, I trusted I knew, like only when we are fully tuned into who we are. That I was doing what I was put here and capable to do! I was being one hundred percent me. Fully connected to source, confidently trusted my instincts to do what needed to be done. All of my instincts are still intact, just slowly digging them out from under the layers of judgment from caring about what other people think. I know when something feels right or wrong for me, I can feel it in my body, my gut, some part of me that aches when I do not listen to the first subtle hint of discomfort. Several times in the last few days I have amazed myself when I started to do something, felt my knee start to ache, thought where I was headed and why, usually for someone else. Changed my mind, listened to what I needed for me and poof, the pain is gone. No aspirin, to tapping, no medicine at all. Just simple acknowledgement of my body’s guidance in doing what is right for me. I so love each and every cell of my being. I believe I will back my awareness one hundred percent!