Monthly Archives: May 2012

Brace…

Equals a phone call from someone you don’t know or would rather not talk to, so it’s sent to voicemail to be heard with the time to answer at one’s convenience or added to the guilt list to have to call back later. They called me, it’s polite to return the call, what will they think, how would I feel if it were me, etc. etc. etc. All of this noise going on in my head, over a phone call from someone whom I know that considering the time of day, I have a pretty good chance of hearing a very inebriated conversation. Writing the words out are even worse, because of the guilt, which takes me back to the brace found yesterday in letting out my horses for their grazing time.

The first one a sort of pushy, get out of my way… screech to halt, made to back up till respect was acknowledged. The second one, out of my way… what?? Okay, okay I will be back up. Darn female owner. The third, what do you mean I have to behave too? The other two are already free, okay, fine! The last one, started to raise his head and then thought, no, she is going to make me work for it, so slow, easy, listen, respect, then allowed to quietly go out to join the others.

My whole mind taking in this totally unusual pushiness in most of my horses, knowing today, in just a little while I will be addressing it when I go out. Just my awareness of the relief of unknown built up pressure, of evidently holding my breath to get my son out of the eighth grade and into high school next year.

Though after meeting with his counselors this morning and setting up the all the guide lines for the community service he is enrolled in for the summer. Having them state to him, in front of me, that “he” is responsible for “his” actions. How everything he does affects those around him. How all of his shenanigans have a domino effect on those he lives with. Where somewhere in that hour long conference, he went from fidgeting like the horses to get out, get away. He calmed down, focused on what was being said, and I swear this light came on that my life really has changed so much in the last almost 5 years. When I started on this road to only being responsible for me, and giving everyone else back the task of taking care of their selves.

I came home, hung up my Fireman’s hat, so wanting to sit down and just bawl… In relief, I made it to today! In amazement, the Universe really is assisting me to have the life I so desire and deserve. I just needed to get out of the way, follow the feelings of what I wanted because “I wanted it!” Not because it would get someone else off my back, to like me, love me, live with or work with me.

I am now learning to adjust my ability to take in only what feels good for and to me. If I find myself reading, eating, drinking, or participating in something that does not work for me at any given moment, I now know I can stop, put it down, turn it off or change my selection. Without judging whatever it is as being right, wrong, good or bad. It just isn’t for me  right now and that’s okay. Having a variety to choose from is what makes life interesting, and sometimes the right selections of things I don’t like as they are, allows me the ability to be a creator and maybe create something more to my desires.

Suddenly I wish to thank every person I ever perceived as hurting, lying, cheating, leaving, hating or treating me badly, for setting me free to choose differently. I give up so looking backward in the feeling of loss or without, I now look at all the tools I have acquired to make selection based on what is best for me from the most important point of view of all… My own! I now thank all the struggle, conflict, changes, and defeats of the thousands of lights that burnt out or never came on to take me down trails that my inner self truly knew were not right for me. To embrace all the interesting learning curves which helped me to find the unique twist and turns that led me to this moment. As I now understand how I have been cautiously bracing myself for each step forward in this new found way of life, waiting for the past to jump out and drag me back. Instead of striding forward in control of my choice of direction to set sail and embrace all the wonders that are yet to come.

Centering My Thinking

“He who controls your emotions, controls you” First noticed on a church billboard back Kerrville Texas in 2002. So if I wish to have something I have to be in control of my wanting it, controlling how I will feel about having it, and staying centered now in the desire of wanting it.

 

For instance I desire my place to be trimmed, cleaned, cut and neat. The areas for riding, the yard and the entrance to my work area. I lay out my desires in a list. I then share my desires with another who is in need of something I possess, can give, or have the said where with all to fulfill for them. They balk at my way of thinking, throwing their mix of emotions into the cauldron, I react, instead of thinking it through on a purely logical, creative, win-win form of thought. I out of habit become emotionally entangled in having to have it my way, or seeing them as in opposition to what I want. To then become embroiled in making it happen. Sometimes further stirring up the soup and intensifying the entire situation by justifying, defending, proving or dragging in some other person to be on my side, “feeling” I have no credentials of my own for my view to be valid and okay.

Instead of just finding a way to agree with their having an opinion, continuing on with my goal and how it will feel when it is complete. With or without them, allowing the Universe the ability to fill in the blanks of the how to’s. Still basically following my instinctive feeling in what to do next, albeit with or without them. Leaving the emotions/ego out of it entirely, thus freeing up my energy to just enjoy the process.

The Dreaded All or Nothing’s

This is the thought that I know has been eluding me the last few days, weeks, months and I highly suspect most of my life. It’s this funny thing I suspect we all do and luckily for me I get to observe others around me in the lessons I give, the people I coach, and the variety of information I receive via the internet. In the blogs I read, the emails shared, and the unsolicited, over abundant sales pitches to look, be, have, or your missing out that seems to be everywhere. But it too serves a purpose as a way to measure where I am at in being the captain of myself in this journey of life.

 

It is Sunday morning, Memorial weekend here in Texas. Though I rarely include the day of the week or an actual date to mark whence my story telling of my life is occurring. Today is special because I have locked my sights onto this internal war of beliefs that have been the driving force in what feels like the extreme ups and downs in my life. The time is 8:30 on a Sunday, I have slept in late, one cause of the tiredness/struggle of trying too hard to find this particular answer, though I did have assistance in hearing my youngest and his buddy getting up at 7 to feed. So I rolled over to think, consider, sort through the tingling of awareness which kept showing itself the last few days, inspiring me to come write. Yet disappearing in the words that would then flow from my fingers, the idea sprang fully in my mind, crystal clear this morning, causing me to give up my other daily rituals so I could capture it fully in words.

 

Those words too, describe the all or nothings, symbolized in the lesson down the road with my last student of the day yesterday. A simple exercise of riding the horses to a particular destination at rider’s requested speed, asking for the horse to be a willing participant in this freedom from constraint of the five acres we currently inhabit. The objective is to have the rider moving their body in time with the horse’s, both parties assisting the other to find the dance of movement so that the ride is enjoyable. The rider to be moving in such a fashion as to be massaging and asking in a way to assist the horse to find what is being asked in a friendly inviting form. The horse to be willing to walk, jog, or trot at the slowest, interested in where we are headed, quietly following its rider’s lead, the entire trip to be engaging, relaxing, and a way of stretching the limits of safety found in riding in a structured environment.

 

My steed perfectly willing to move at the speed’s requested, in any direction, softly, fluidly, easily, only as long as he was allowed to lead. The little mare, was constantly working at dragging the reins through my student’s hands, much like she does when she becomes annoyed with first timers or the ones who come to take lessons, just so they can go fast. Whose hands and body motions are hard, way to insistent when they discover I teach flow, communication, attunement with the horse, and they try to sneak in being heavy handed, which she resents and has enough smarts to keep them honest and aide them to learn how to ask assertively, but lightly.

 

The entire trip of two miles down to the local arena, with a few minutes of opening and closing gates, small circles, side passes and yields with my horse’s cooperation as long as it was his way, in front, on his terms. My student and the mare discussed where and how long it would take for the rider to give up and the horse to be allowed her usual hour lesson tolerance of unskilled hands. Though this entire lesson included the emotions of who’s in charge, the electricity of resistance, stimulated by the thoughts that typically go through my mind of: What is he doing, why is he not listening, why today, how to get his attention, where is this coming from, etc, etc, etc all indicative of my frustration from the lawnmower, my son and my life flowing through my mind and my body, that the horse had so picked up and wanted none of. If it is not a comfortable feeling, the feeling to the horse is the rider has to be afraid of something I cannot see, so I (the horse) who is always living in the present moment, must take the lead so we can comfortably move on.

This morning’s waking thoughts so pin pointed the all’s or nothings. My tool situations, my son and families participation, my work, my horses when others are around, my entire life. I have been swimming in this sea of right or wrong, its either done or it isn’t, I am either liked or disliked, I either have money or I don’t, it’s either right now or I am unworthy, a fool, an idiot, or I just don’t have the right whatever’s. So I need to buy them, find them, change them, fix them or ditch them. The gray area, that place of baby steps, seems baby steps need to encompass the entire world. The baby steps of now at least two thirds of my place is cut, at least two thirds of my son’s habits have become more cooperative, my bills are all paid with cash in my wallet, money in the bank, my truck running, hay in the barn, feed purchased for the next week… The list of what is right, right now, right this minute so outweighs what I should, could, might, ought to, or whatever else I have been told or shown I am a failure if I ain’t! I think, no I know the horse has it right. To live right now in this present moment, to be concerned with just being okay, moving, breathing, seeing, existing in the dance of life. It is so much easier, so much more comfortable, so much more fun. It is what life is about. Gray area, hmmm? Who knew, I do… at least right now today May 27, 2012 out west of Floresville, Texas overlooking the San Antonio river on a late easy “holiday” weekend. Definitely a “no worries” wanna be. 🙂

I keep finding it, and then losing it.

I keep finding it, and then losing it. I have this perfect grasp on what is going, so fully connected, to then get sort of sideswiped. Which actually is pretty great, considering a year or more ago I would have described it as getting blindsided, I am so appreciative of my having come so far. Today being a terrific example: Slept in till 6:27 knowing on my to do list was to go to the other tractor store for the bolt for the lawnmower blade, since Tractor Supply was out of the size I needed minutes before closing last night. I took a shower, my son got up and fed to then asked for his desires from the donut shop. I set off on my mission to finally get the mower repaired now that the twisted off bolt had successfully been removed yesterday. Got the bolt, the donuts, some gas, groceries and ice, came in unloaded and put away everything. We ate our goodies, then went out back to put the mower back together, and wouldn’t you know it the key way part was sheared in two. Quick trip back to town, to no avail, all the time thinking I so wanted my yard and front pasture done this weekend. How hard is that? What else can I do? It’s been seven different broken parts or repairs on a brand new machine since March. About then my youngest offered to go ask the neighbor, I said sure why not? Not expecting anything, to be amazingly surprised when he comes back driving their new machine. Of course he had a deal in mind, he would get to go play with his buddy if he got all the weeds picked up, the front yard, the drive way and part of one pasture, plus all his regular chores. I said sure, if they were done right. Off he went to cut, as my first lesson drove up with their horse’s head looking a funny shade of yellow medicine. They backed her off the trailer and she immediately let me know touching her owie was out of the question, which set the tone for exactly what the entire lesson consisted of. Us asking, slowly, confidently, and consistently for her to allow us to touch her neck, then nose, then head, till after an hour, without the need for rope or halter, she was allowing us to massage, then doctor, and clean up the slight scrape on her face. Allowing her owners to finally be able to handle all of her head, neck and face without her having to be bribed, coerced, or tricked into working with her new owners, in a whole different way than her previous experiences. My next lesson was a little girl, with her horsey aunt, cousin, and friend, who had all come to watch. The aunt to see her progress, the others (I suspect had to come) my student more interested in the free for all in the yard the aunt kept having to quiet down, than the lesson and the horse. Being five and not the center of attention was not going real well, till I got her started downhill, away from the all the commotion, where she was getting to move and enjoy managing the little mare. To have my son come up, ask to speak, and then stating he was done and could he go? I questioned did he have it all done right? With an affirmative, I let him go so I could finish my lesson. We did a few spins, turns, and backups, but the hour long session at one in the sun was getting to be too much, thankfully the time was up. We headed back for her to untack, and then wash the horse, definitely enjoying the overspray. After they left, I took a turn on the lawnmower to discover all of the newfangled safety controls to protect the operator and the equipment. Adapting to the annoying habit of the mower if it got even a tad over what it could handle with what felt like (and was) very dull, and abused blades. It would kick down to idle. I drove, tinkered, and played with the feel of it, figured out the ins and outs of how to actually accomplish at least the front part of my top pasture. Before I decided this taking it precisely, exactly, perfectly, carefully….sucked, I was out doing what my son had promised. I was taking care to make it look pretty, nice, neat, professional, whatever you want to call it, for a pasture we ride in. I found a high gear I could manage, and took off, I started heading just for the high spots, the clumps, letting myself look at the bigger picture. Eyeballed the section I was on, how much time I had till my next client, broke the area into eighths, and did all but one fourth of the top. Hot, exhilarated and aware that unless one got down on their knees to look across the riding field, except for weedeating, my riding area was done. I was pleased. So I parked it, went in, washed up, refilled my drink, just as my last lesson showed up. We had fun, she learned to get more from the horse by asking, waiting, allowing, and having the patience to let the horse understand she really has learned what to do. As we were unsaddling and finishing up I thought how most of the day spoke to me about the few missing pieces in my life. Allowing others to wait till it is convenient for me, to have fun, not be distracted, to look at the bigger picture, go fast as I can, once I understand what I am working with. That I truly want people in my life who are fun and fully responsible for themselves, all of their actions, and not be distracted by what others want, it really isn’t any of my business. I think I love being a happy brat!

Common Horse Sense…

This morning was a piece by piece, pay attention, what did I truly see or want to do next. Noting as I slept through the first alarm to then actually get up with the second alarm and so feeling the tiredness of knowing I have only 5 more mornings of school bus driving left. Aware of how much I am looking forward to setting and owning my own hours again. Showered, ironed, dressed, and ready at about the same time I heard my youngest start the truck. Spying the light on from the not quite closed door of the microwave reminded me of the fresh brownies from last night. I quickly made my morning ice water, grabbed a paper plate and set two good sized helpings on it and went out to the truck. My son spotting the plate said he had thought about grabbing one, eyeing my plate hungrily. I smiled in appreciation of his not grabbing or asking, and explained the second one was for him. He quickly devoured it, mouthing his thank you’s as we drove up to work.

Driving my route was a simple enjoyment of the sunrise, the ease of traffic, which only built up as we neared San Antonio and 7 am. Dropped off the students, did the turnaround headed back to the barn. As I sensed a stop was in order, which just as I had that thought my monitor got up to ask me to stop for a break. Drove back in remembering the thought to check my fluids, and filling the one that turned out to be low, pleased with myself for this roll of inspired thinking I was on.

Got to the house to get the morning chores done with my mind playing with my new understanding of the phrase “What did I want to do?” So as I was getting out my equipment for later I noticed the lower pasture, so following my gaze I took a walk and as I was checking it out I discovered a busted fence strand. So I closed the gap to keep the horses out till later when it could be repaired. Then headed to the house, so very aware of my short night from staying up to watch a movie, aware of how very much I needed, much less wanted a nap.

 

Walked in to notice a picture I had laid on the shelf and a perfect blank place on the wall. A little glue, piece of tape, and a tack to easily add a little more color to my office as I hung my fixed picture in its new spot. Set the alarm for 45 minutes, laid down to awaken to its noise knowing I “wanted” more sleep, so just ignored it to startle fully awake feeling like it had been an hour or more. To find just fifteen minutes had past, in the blissful thoughts from my last lesson of the yesterday evening. As this student was describing to me the horse he wishes to acquire: Gelding, about 16 hands, healthy, comfortable, safe for trail rides, and for kids…”All the kids in me”  he exclaimed! I got so tickled as I realized how important and true those words are or should be for all of us.

Inspired by this thought I felt the need to clean under the dryer? Hmmm… okay so I did to net myself the money for drinks and a snack later. Then deciding I wanted to just play with my ponies, I walked out to change my working order  and brought out the little mare who seemed stiff, uncertain, testing my conviction to just have fun. So I waited, for each tiny move I expected as I asked, I stood and waited till she did exactly what I was suggesting. Each of the first few movements took ten minutes or more, she so sure she had my number by moving in several different directions waiting for the release because she moved. Till with getting no response from me, she actually began to search for what I was so focused on expecting. Once she did exactly the right baby step movement in the general direction of the outcome intended, I let go. Within 30 minutes, all of the stiff, resistance was gone and she was actually waiting for what I would want next and we danced…

I would suggest with a move of a muscle in my finger, my leg, my calf, even just a twitch in my posterior and we would then glide. Left, right, sideways, back, forward, trot, walk, canter any and all movements soft, flowing, easy. Because I trusted what I wanted, I asked if she was a willing participant, and I rewarded her and me for every try in the intended direction. Kind of my whole morning in listening to, feeling for, or truly deciding and then focusing on “What it was I wanted?” And I use to think it was all about the end result…not the journey of discovery of how to get where one is going.

So fascinated with the powerful energy that is pulled through me when I go for what I want, versus the struggle of doing what I am not wanting to do. Causing me to realize all of these seeming outside, around me problems, are really just me against me. Doing what I want is simple ease and flow. Doing what I don’t want to do, but should, could, have to, ought to for another, cause it’s the norm, I will fit in, it’s the way it’s been done for years… Who knew it really is just so simple… Ah living and learning one moment, one minute, one now at a time!

Trigger Words and Inflections

Awareness of change seems to be the order this month as I am learning to better trust my instincts on what feels like the next thing to do or not do. Today being an incredible example of connecting and really learning to trust my gut feeling, as I got out of bed this morning and paid attention to how each thought felt. I got up feeling comfortable, able to shower, dress, awaken my youngest and then leave for work on time. Arriving at the bus yard with this decision to park inside for a shorter walk to clock in, and thinking as I walked on in, I bet someone is going to block me in. Picked up my keys, walked back out to the bus, got in and started it to watch another drive in and park perfectly to block my truck in. I actually grinned at my innate pre-sensing of my inability to leave on my return.

Then thinking of my need to procure feed when I returned, since the local store has been out for a week, pre-planning my trip to get fuel, grab my coupons, drive 20 miles away and still return by 9. Tickled when I accomplished all by 9:08 as I pulled in next to the barn, unloaded feed, fed, and then surveyed my to do list projects. My mind’s eye settling on my youngest chore of the weekend, his 40 feet cleared “oh its so hard the ground is so dry.” Thinking I would help a little, set the timer for 20 minutes, expecting to barely make a dent, to then discover (the fibber) in my allotted time I accomplished half of what he (at 6ft 1) did in 4 hours this weekend. Adding double check all chores assigned to him to my list.

Came in for a 10 minute break to check email, to find one with a different trainer style on the latest steps I am honing with my horse handling. After a few minutes of reading her site, there is an offering for her book through Amazon. So I go to look it up as a Kindle purchase ( I love the immediate access of this way of reading) and the site froze. Taking my cue from the Universe that this is not a purchase to be made today, I go out to work with the horses, taking with me the thoughts and understanding the brief reading has brought to light. In the playing around with each of the horses I find only one useful small piece of the new information that easily takes hold and fits in, in an easier way to allow me to connect with these wondrous critters. Affirming my instincts to not struggle to buy the book, I just evidently needed reading the different approach and allow myself to integrate it and adjust it for myself.

Pleased with myself, I then find a text on my phone from a former client, asking if I need any help, followed by her needing lessons. I allow myself the time to feel my first response, which is unsettled, so I re-read her text, send back a general things are great here, with no reference to unsolicited help. Several texts back and forth, finally net me two or more lessons at full price. I so love the freedom of allowing oneself to think things through, before responding that texting brings. Fascinated by the words; Needing, help, and her name. Realizing they are all triggers from a few years back, that would have used to cause me to aid someone from their sounding needy, and I “was” such a great rescuer. Just now I prefer to see others as capable, able to afford the things they truly desire, and myself as a totally affordable, “fantastic, you have an opening, great I will be there” coach!

It’s all in the timing, the way things appear, the way things feel, the choices we make. And I am so getting better at all of this…Things always, work out for me!

Still…Cleaning and Waiting

Woke up early even after I so wanted to just sleep in late. Got up, dressed, went and fed, to come in to the biscuits timer going off on the oven. Pulled them out, all the while feeling and noticing the sand under my bare feet all across the kitchen floor, making a mental note of each particular out of place or dirty area in need of this Sunday’s cleaning, after I finished my breakfast. Fixed myself three biscuits saturated in strawberry preserves to munch on while I was perusing my emails, my mind in a whirl of thoughts from yesterday’s movie choice which disappointed, followed by the purchase of a better weed eater, that also allows for other various attachments to accomplish the many other jobs waiting back at home. Standing in line to check out as my phone suddenly goes off, a friend passing my house at the exact time my horses have found where my youngest had forgotten to secure two gates. She and some men have them corralled two doors over and wanted me to know.

I thank her profusely, checking out quickly the whole time my son exclaiming it was not his fault. I just drive home, pull in to grab some halters, “we” take quick note on the placement of his tools next to the widely swinging gate. We then drive over in amazing apology filled air, to quickly halter and with the aide of the nice young men get the wandering marauders all safely home again.

I offer to pay the two men, who politely refuse, and we start talking horses, as the one handling two of mine was so amazed at how well-mannered they were, wanting to know what exactly is it I do. I listen to myself describe what I do in an entirely new way, totally fascinated when the words “I coach others to find their own unique signature and style.” He laughs and says he has to get his wife here to learn some of this stuff, she needs to find herself, her confidence, her passion to do something.

I laugh and tell him life is all about digging through the layers of conversations, instructions, opinions, and beliefs given to us by well meaning and loving individuals, to then find what parts truly work for us to be happy just being us. Not just for a moment or two, but to be able to find the good in just about any situation, always looking for a solution not just sitting staring at the problem. They took my card, I thanked them again, and as they drove away, my youngest commented…”You know mom, things always do work out for you.”

Causing me to pause now in my re-living of the last 24 hours, with a clean house, groceries (we went back for after the mad dash home). The house edged, the lawnmower now with oil and gas drained, turned upside down, still impossible for me to drill a hole into the broken bolt to use the ease out for. My oldest the mechanic called to finish that chore, awaiting a change I feel coming, as I allow the horses to graze the yard to further my diminishing of places for mosquitoes to hide and then feast upon us. My mind searching for the quiet, fulfilling connection to source for some reason today in a deeper, more satisfying fashion.

I’m tired, I have accomplished so much this week, as things keep working out….yet even though I keep feeling I am getting bigger pieces of the puzzle put together, I have the border and edges, with several areas filled in. It’s just this niggling in the back of my head, there is something, right there, I can sense it, feel it, know and recognize it. Just exactly what… I’m not sure just time to go do something else, get my mind off of it. Allow “it” to just show itself when it is the right time. Hmmm…. “.”!

Discovering My Truth

Much of what might seem like work to many, is the most marvelous chore for excavating, sometimes delicately the many layers of my life. I have found the more I need to know an answer to a particular question; is to just ask, wait, pay attention, and if there seems no reply. I play with the question, changing words, changing inflections, changing my view of why, where, when, or what if… sometimes when I am able to stay with asking until I get to the “what if’s?” I am always amazed at finding several probabilities I had never even thought of that then show themselves to me.

 

The chore of weed eating, not intending or expecting to do all five acres, just with the constant rain, the equipment mishaps, and now the mosquitoes, this had moved to the top of my priority list. Doubly so because some of these weeds, easily measured over 5 foot tall and some extended three or four foot across, assisted in their growing from the lightening during the storms. The sanity is in the joy of a rich sandy loam, a love of manicured property, and the past experience of the relief found in pulling, tugging, digging, and uprooting physically some of my sometimes obvious and oft times hidden dilemmas. Today’s accomplishment being made more important now hours later after working three horses and my afternoon route.

 

The first two horses are coming along nicely, slowly allowing me to become in tune with them by working through the small glitches that reflect my relationship to men. These horses have taught me how I have allowed myself this trap of feeling so much more for another’s feelings, that then when I get run over or pushed aside. I was more than just a little bit miffed. “How could someone do that to me, I cared so much!” These big awesome creatures teaching me the tact of saying no and holding my ground, actually finds them more respective to my point of view. The third horse, was all about her, prima donna, almost perfect for lessons… when she is in the mood. Today she taught me how much I have allowed women more say in my life than I even had any indication about. She would give in, just long enough to bait the hook, then push back trying to tell me I am nothing, that she is awesome and I owe her. The session ending with me a little ahead, but definitely with more work to do.

 

So I drove and thought about all that has transpired in the last few months. All the layers, some torn down, some gently scraped, many reconstructed for me to find at the base a new premise after summing all of my searching for who me is up. I am me, unique, an individual, a tall, interesting, feeling, sensing, and an actual know it all…about me. The core of me is  really, totally and completely up to me. There is a ton of information out there, there are tons of opinions, tons of reason, literature, documentaries, and research to tell me who or what I am or supposed to be. Just the final result is me dictating, deciding, and being My Complete Version of Me.

How I train, dance, talk, walk, look, feel or whatever is the style I have developed and finally own because that is who I now decide I am. If I change any of it, lose weight, gain weight, dye my hair, color my teeth, get a tattoo or shave my head and walk backwards tomorrow… I am still me, I just changed “My Mind” and a mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Read, Read, Weed, Weed

Have no idea how to start this particular writing fest, other than to just dive in here. Spent the last week at least one hour a day reading the biography about Steve Jobs which filled my mind with a whole lot to digest, feel, and understand my places of reasonating, fascination, and just wondering… To then find myself in need of doing, other than riding, so I expected to weed just one corner of my yard, to then find myself having done over all the way down one fence line, from just one or two weeds up close to the fence, to as far as 10 feet away from the fence. Allowing myself the option of looking up at how much farther I could go, or to just feel, espy then pull out one simple weed at a time. All the while letting my brain free to wander over the myriad of thoughts that came, were made note of, sorted as useful, hmmm fascinating, or I think I can see this differently now.

At the same time playing a noticing, slapping, spraying, moving, and awareness game with the array of insects to be found either using certain weeds for refuge, to dart out and back in after a chance to digest the meal of my blood the mosquitoes seem to delight in feasting upon, or their defending the ground as their domain to protest should I venture upon their mounds. Even after my applying several different types of spray before, and during my mind/yard excavation project.

Noticing that as I would find particularly deeply rooted weeds, the matching thoughts that would show up in my mind would either easily come to a new conclusion, the weed coming free. If the plant seemed contrary, the root especially tightly matted in the earth, I would find in my deliberation of the sticking thought, the mosquitoes would suddenly get past my insecticide shield, to diminish just as quickly when I would find a better understanding of an old situation. One especially stubborn, deep root found me thinking about the last few ideas my youngest had about “his deals for me” to buy him a newer phone.

About the same time I had gone down his line of reasoning, I was bit rather solidly by the huge red ants that are found in this area. Acknowledging the ant’s wonderful attention getting technique, I switched my entire focus to the finished chores “I” will be laying out for him, and letting him learn the wonders of imagination and finance. By paying him immediately on completion of each task for him to either bank the money or keep it till he has the needed funding accumalated.

Within almost the allotted time I had set aside for this task of cleaning out the plants/weeds from where I so prefer just grass to be. I organized my mind, I made new more palatable plans in dealing with several situations. And I realized that what we feel or think truly does vibrate out around us, extremely evident in the bugs’ non-existence when I was just sifting and sorting, yet swarming me through the bug shield of “I guess I can live with that”. The bugs and weeds doing such a great job of helping me connect with what is truly right and good for me. I can live with guidance like that. It truly is so simple, to allow the answers to show themselves.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

I promised myself I would start to write this, albeit only if it is one sentence a day. I have this notion, idea, thought that things may be a whole lot more simple than I have been previously led to believe especially in the last few weeks of digging, finding, and exposing the deep down stuff that has had full reign over my life for years. Especially in this final round of sorting the wheat from the chaff, my awareness truly aroused after the series of events that led up to this writing.

 

Because of the various aches and signs from my body, my butt aches for the first time since I fell on it last week. My knee still has not allowed me to fully extend it, though each day with the stretches I manage a tad bit more than the day before. And the awareness of the aching of a tooth that had a root canal in the last year. The knee ache gone the minute I made the decision to actually start to write about the last few days, the entire pain dissipated as I opened the page. Which immediately led to my knowing I am on the right trail, so I best get off my rump and write, as to my body is making so much noise about my head’s fear of being wrong, this second guessing myself. Though that thought to is truly crazy, because I know the reason I write is for me to understand and learn more about myself in this sharing my thoughts out loud. As in typing the last phrase I allow me to see and feel the fear of judgment sitting in the corner trying to keep me quiet, squash the understanding I am putting out in print for me to get a firmer grasp and realization of.

 

My last month or so has been an interesting roller coaster ride of lots of awesome everything is just flowing along, and “wham” everything falls apart to find me suddenly feeling feel lost and confused. Except for knowing that when I stop and write to myself, I can discover answers hidden in plain sight as to what might have been causing these disconnects. More fully brought into view in going to lunch with my friend and fellow energy LOA buddy, as wehas a discussion of the events that led up to her drop in energy last Friday after both of us had been on this incredible ask and it would appear rollercoaster ride going. As she described her weekend, I heard her in her description the exact scenario of the reason I was beginning to become aware of our fall apart mechanism.

As she described feeling on top of her game till Saturday afternoon, when she was so hot and tired after working 6 horses, whilst she was thinking through the potential client who stated her services were too high, my mind latching on to the “just six horses”. Being fully aware of many times before of her doing more than that and she was just jubilant. My weekend of a new client just pulling in, signing up, paying up front in cash, so pleased, to then find my energy dropping when a phone call conversation was some scientific thing to prove the reason I need to learn from someone else, go back to school. My mind reeling from the “what more learning” when is this ever going to end, I “was” having fun.

 

When the answer fully clicked in, and my toothache vanished as I realized I get tired when I am trying to just think my way out of the problem of not enoughness. The minute another gets my attention to cause me to think I am not enough, my energy starts to stall, if I continue to try to figure out what they are talking about, I start to evaporate, dissolve into this cavern, deep inside, that the lights begin to dim, flicker… Not the bright, glowing, flame of passion like when I am handling a horse, teaching another, coaching someone through to find their own connection. I get so caught up in the moment I feel I can go for hours. I am having fun, helping them to learn how to move with the animal till both are on the same page.

It is all of these detours that get to me, the ones that get me to think thoughts that have nothing to do with movement forward, here, now, right this minute. Just this intellectual “They know more than me” sales pitch/opinion that starts just one smidgen of doubt, causing me to think about giving my trust away to keeping up with the Jones’s, or doing something I am not the least bit interested in contributing time or money to. Animals in my mind have it made, they don’t have the comparison thing going on. They have learned the ability to test a direction and if it does not feel good, work out, they then look around and keep moving till they find what does feel good and flow for them to move forward. Non movement is death, thinking too hard, struggling to understand, getting caught in a whirlwind of information one is not interested in, being polite to fit in is stagnation. They live in the now, every single minute of the day. They have no yesterday, or tomorrow now is important, it is everything. I am learning to trust more and more these subtle body clues of hmmm, even in reading my email I have discovered that slight pause, means delete, walk away. If it feels warm, inviting, I start to read and at the first hmmm, realize the best effort is to hit delete, to move, to do something, anything else, as life is calling me forward to something better, something more live giving, something for me.

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