Re-programming The Idler
Having had a few interesting days, especially yesterday, when no matter what I did things just kept flowing together once I got past this desire to just sit and be. Which after my normal morning chores, was a simple sitting and playing of solitaire for what seemed like this long drawn out period. Until my friend texted about her figuring out her feeling of frustration of her noticing she is always taking care of everyone else & just wanted someone to take care of her. In sending her my reply of congrats for figuring out her frustration and if she would look in the mirror, she might see looking back at her the very person who has been waiting for permission to take care of her, first and foremost.
Which immediately caused a surge of movement in me, not exactly the way I thought my morning was going to be, as I began cleaning, dusting (?), moving, sorting, trashing, and sweeping my entire office. The shelves, the cabinets, the small spaces underneath, removing gifts I have gotten from others that I have kept to not hurt another’s feelings. Also noting, when I found certain thoughts of focus, bulletins, and positive sayings that I have accumulated because I truly like the way they make me feel, except when I was placing them. All of the base priority was felt, especially every time the “what is someone going to think if that is placed in plain sight?” Totally fascinated with how much those kinds of reasoning’s have been running my life, like this huge motor running quietly in the background, till I noticed it and began to figure out what the sound was and that it has always been in my power to turn it off.
Just about two hours into my cleaning/clearing mission, the phone rings, my father was calling, he is coming in would I like to go to lunch, his treat for my birthday. I agree, finish with my office, go out and play with Freckles, my son’s horse, to succeed in getting a simple, totally soft feel, with the added accomplishment of him holding his pose whilst I took his picture…
Then my dad showed up and we headed for Thai food. I watched my performance the entire time, including when I first started to consider prices before ordering, then thought by doing that I would be judging where my father is at financially, so I got what I was hungry for including their special tea. Had fun, got to watch him grin cause of what he ordered and how much he liked their special sweet and sour sauce. He brought me home, we said our good-byes and I went to drive.
Rocking along in this really high feeling, noticing the numbers 8, 5, 3 showing up distinctly the entire drive, knowing this meant money coming from somewhere. To find my afternoon route shortened by being minus 1 student, allowing me to finish a full hour ahead of time, so I made a quick call to drop off a check where I had been trying to catch her at home most of this week.
Except she was 40 miles away, I agreed to just mail it, asked myself what to do in the hour and a half before I picked up my youngest. Felt the need to go to the video store, where I drove up into an almost deserted parking lot, opened the door to get out and spy what looked like a couple of dollar bills folded together, which had been run over, just laying there next to the door. I picked them up, looked around, felt silly as I stood there for about 5 minutes or so, waiting to see someone appear. No one… walked into the store, she had no idea of who’s it was as I got two video’s, opened the bills up to discover a one and two twenties. Wow, left knowing she knows how to reach me, went down to the corner store, got the items I needed and had just gotten in line, when in walks the very person we had finally decided for me to just mail the check to. Took care of that and went to pick up my youngest, while waiting for him had a lady call to see if I had an opening to take her horse, to then get home to find my next client, sitting there cash in hand.
Went to bed thinking how awesome things get when you can identify exactly what you want, making sure it is your story line playing in your head when you go to make a decision. Weeding out the guilt monologues, the have too’s, the yeah butts, and the biggest of all the guilt of taking care of others first. I have spent most of today, really, truly, listening to this big monster engine that is just beginning to idle down, since I have learned of its existence and am slowly weaning myself of the old habits of what I have been doing to keep peace with others…now learning to find the peace within myself as I become so much more consciously living in every moment, just breathing between each thought. Aware of if it’s me, old habits, or memories running my life. Walking is so much easier.