Deep In Thought…

What seems to be, can sometimes look so intriguing, so exactly what the doctor ordered, except… there is this tiny, almost imperceptible waver, pause, hesitation in one’s energy field. Shown by the page not fully opening, the computer screen taking longer than usual to follow the next command, the wrong key stroke done several times in filling out a form, to suddenly be interrupted again, all of these small signs indicating unseen guidance. Desires, deeper within, most times at the subconscious level, which know the truth of the enticing display of promises, laid out before one, hinting the note of an answer long sought after. Now to be found right here, follow these rules, draw this line, walk backwards, give up your ability to know and trust yourself. Someone else has to and will do it all for you… money and guarantee included.

Several days of feeling a little lost, all accumulated in this feeling of interesting self-discovery this evening. Especially aware of my own growth, change, awareness and loss of control, when I found myself once again backed into a corner with nowhere left to go. That’s when the fight or flight instinct becomes the strongest. It’s when all awareness becomes fully keen, alert, listening, feeling, sensing for the best way out. The first notation of a different reaction is to find oneself totally at a loss of need for protection, suddenly comfortable in showing things exactly like they are. No apologizing, no excuses, things are really this dirty, this messed up, this different than what was asked for or expected.

Allowing for a phone call to the exact person that is seen in my mind’s eye, actually answering the phone of someone else, as I called to talk about the disaster I found in my son’s room, after a futile four or five days of tracking down the tiny fruit flies in the kitchen. I had cleaned every space I could imagine, looking for what had died or fell between the cracks, discovering under the kitchen sink, why he had seemed so helpful in refilling the liquid soap dispenser the night before. The large container sat on the shelf in a pool of soap, accumulated from oozing out of the tiny holes he had poked in the plastic. Which set me on the enough is enough thought, to head to his room to remove every piece of furniture and leave him with just a mattress, clock and one chair. To open the first draw and discover a banana, in a plastic sack, rotting, with all of the accompanying flies to match the few strays I had been battling. In talking to his PO, I explained that they would have to come see what I have been trying to change.

The visit lasted about 20 minutes, the two men, listened, observed, saw and took with them the baggie remnant of the banana, with promises of more change to come from my now shared with the world son’s ??? dislike, disrespect, disallowing, hole that I have been working on in me. Now in sharing here the total last remnants of my old habit of fishing for others, I am allowing him to learn and fully integrate he is responsible for himself, he is learning to bait his own hook. I am responsible for me.

I did not do this on purpose, all of these circumstances took years of training and listening to others and their good intentions of what was best for me and my sons. The biggest no’s from long ago are finally working themselves out of my body, to become the steps I take in change, standing my ground on what I “know and feel” is the only right for me. Funny how small I allowed myself to be, whenever I cringed to another’s wishes, because they knew best and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. How unsettled I would feel when I knew the answer, and I was pooh poohed away being the wrong color, sex, citified, age or sibling to have any value.

Finding all of this truly present from the last three big incidents: My youngest getting in the vehicle and telling me it was no big deal, just a few experiments he forgot about, my first time ever at being just angry, very clear about every word I thought, and spoke. A calmness of power over my rights, with no rage, no tears, no emotional falling apart, just the facts, spoken, clarified and out in the open.

My friend texting me about where does despair fall on the emotional scale? After answering her, I thought about the business plan we had suddenly come up with, to help with finances, and how much her asking about that word, caught me right in the gut. I am a coach, rider, trainer, teacher, facilitator, competitor, this idea is really good…but it is not me. Then lastly another speaker to listen to on the web, with a special one-time offer for those on the call, all the great benefits, all of the savings, all of the testimonials, the page scrolled down and down and down, till it came to the line “You cannot do it even with all the answers without someone elses help”.

I sat and stared at the screen, I looked at the cost, I noted this savings was only for the first XXXX amount of callers. I grabbed the calculator, I did the math, I amazed myself with the answer. And I closed the page. I have spent the last four and a half years re-learning about my entire life. I am now a phenomenal rider, coach, teacher, trainer, writer and person. I have had help, a whole lot of the help was from when the help from the outside was making me feel worse, bad, or helpless. Then I would finally out of feeling backed in a corner, turn and trust myself, my instincts, my beingness. I have learned being on the outside, observing others, trying things on, learning what feels, fits, or looks right on me, by loving me, owning me, being me, and allowing myself to figure it out, laugh have fun and always just be okay with me. It is small, it is simple, it is so easy, once I realized I really do know the perfect answers for me!