Getting to the Root Problem
Feeling like I have been digging, chopping, hoeing, scraping through so very many layers, and then I find the same sort of thing happening again. All of this talk, all of this teaching, all of this, that, and whatever, sort of an eternally spinning cycle, much like a hamster on their little treadmill going round and round with lots of exercise to nowhere.
My redeeming quality is I knew there was an end to this somewhere, once I could find an end to untie the big knot of confusion of “Not Enough”. Luckily for me I have been addicted to puzzles of one sort or another, my entire life. Our family always had some kind of jigsaw puzzle, little mind puzzles, rubic cube, for me to take apart and put together. I also having a totally fascination with ropes, braiding, knots, untangling necklace chains, or sorting bins of beads into individual shades and colors, much like solitaire played to improve one’s time.
So these last couple of days I have felt this coming, change, awareness that I was close to finding, whatever it was that has been twisting, turning, stalling the forward movement of my life. In the really slowing my life down so that I am very, very, aware of just about everything happening or going on around me, especially the really good days, and the oops, damn it, now what scenario’s. I have been able to back track my thoughts to what I was thinking or doing on either type of occasion. Allowing the visual playback in my mind of events or sights leading up to each incident, sorting them out, sifting through for matching pieces. Listening and feeling for each owie, or good healthy response from my body. Accumulating all of these clues, some of which I have to keep turning around in my mind till the exact wording fits the deed. (my knee = needy, needs) To finally piece the trail together and find the root cause for me.
Wednesday I slipped and fell, landing on my butt, which startled me more than hurt because it jarred lose my last few thoughts, which I remembered this morning and that allowed the rest of the pieces to fit perfectly into place. My clues of suspicion, discomfort, confusion, falling, my (k)needing to know and fit in, and lastly my fishing for others. Conversation has always been a challenge for me in the past, contacting others, cold calling for business, reaching out for help. All these things have been known to cause me to flee back to the safety of my animals, my home turf, being the wallflower, allowing others to go first or walk over me. Some of this stemming from being partially deaf from constant colds and earaches as a child, till the winter of my third grade year when my mother had me in to the third doctor who agreed with the first two, that my tonsils needed to come out, just in his observing of me while we were there, he suddenly stopped me, had me sit on a chair facing him. He covered up his mouth with a manila folder, talking to me evidently, and exclaimed to my parents “Your daughter cannot hear, she lip reads”. The tonsils came out immediately and life went on. Though at that same time I now realize is when I stopped smiling in school pictures, from all of the teasing I had not heard evidently before then.
I like things simple, easy, for them to flow together. I have had the ability in many incidents of my life to quickly, easily and aptly have entire parties, disasters, last minute details snap into place from this knowing I can do it. To come to the conclusion this morning, the last missing piece of why things will be flowing along and then feel like they have “gone to hell in a hand basket”. Is because I have not been able to ground myself in being with or around others, like I do when I am just me, just being, just comfortable, not diving off to fix, change or be what someone else needs. I have discovered all of this sleuthing I have been doing is to check for, find and fix all of my energy leaks.
The ones like someone comes in starting to talk about any kind of negative thing, I can count to ten, think of what do they love to talk about, and interrupt when they stop to take a breath, say “that’s interesting” then ask about their favorite thing, really paying attention to their responses. They feel better, I enjoy talking with them, I am then honest if I have other things to do, and I get to enjoy staying in a good place emotionally. If I go to do something and I get the feeling of having to try or struggle…I step back and figure if it’s meant to be it will work its self out. A sudden phone call or message about a situation I really can do nothing about, I take the time to breathe, then say “everything always works out for me” and usually within about 5 minutes of deep breathing, an answer will find its way to me, then things do work out.
As I got my mind around how totally simple it was to admit I can control my immediate surroundings by the choices I make, and my awareness to how it feels to be doing whatever I am currently doing. Thus controlling my ability to be positive and feel good. It really is my choice, I asked the Universe for conformation as I was turning out the horses after all of this rain. Spotted a panel blown sideways from the storms, grabbing the pick axe to maneuver the dirt to put the panel back in place, I then spotted a week that grows here in Texas. Called a bull nettle, reached over to just catch the edge of the axe under the small plant, to feel and hear a resounding thud. I struggled getting the tool loose, curious I swung again, the small plant at the top came loose with this huge white root. I thought “you have got to be kidding”, but by the time I was finished I had dug out a root more than 7 inches long and almost 6 inches around. From what I thought was a small 2 inch plant, that I have found and have been constantly removing what I thought was a short rooted plant these last couple of years since I have lived here, and doing all of this working on myself. Turns out, as I proceeded to go after several more of these weeds in close proximity, some of them have these incredible, hard, large, almost monstrous roots, much like this problem that I feel I have finally dug up and excavated this morning. I so appreciate the confirmation from the Universe that I really had gotten to the root of my problem. I love my life!