Thinking, Thinking, Thinking
I promised myself I would start to write this, albeit only if it is one sentence a day. I have this notion, idea, thought that things may be a whole lot more simple than I have been previously led to believe especially in the last few weeks of digging, finding, and exposing the deep down stuff that has had full reign over my life for years. Especially in this final round of sorting the wheat from the chaff, my awareness truly aroused after the series of events that led up to this writing.
Because of the various aches and signs from my body, my butt aches for the first time since I fell on it last week. My knee still has not allowed me to fully extend it, though each day with the stretches I manage a tad bit more than the day before. And the awareness of the aching of a tooth that had a root canal in the last year. The knee ache gone the minute I made the decision to actually start to write about the last few days, the entire pain dissipated as I opened the page. Which immediately led to my knowing I am on the right trail, so I best get off my rump and write, as to my body is making so much noise about my head’s fear of being wrong, this second guessing myself. Though that thought to is truly crazy, because I know the reason I write is for me to understand and learn more about myself in this sharing my thoughts out loud. As in typing the last phrase I allow me to see and feel the fear of judgment sitting in the corner trying to keep me quiet, squash the understanding I am putting out in print for me to get a firmer grasp and realization of.
My last month or so has been an interesting roller coaster ride of lots of awesome everything is just flowing along, and “wham” everything falls apart to find me suddenly feeling feel lost and confused. Except for knowing that when I stop and write to myself, I can discover answers hidden in plain sight as to what might have been causing these disconnects. More fully brought into view in going to lunch with my friend and fellow energy LOA buddy, as wehas a discussion of the events that led up to her drop in energy last Friday after both of us had been on this incredible ask and it would appear rollercoaster ride going. As she described her weekend, I heard her in her description the exact scenario of the reason I was beginning to become aware of our fall apart mechanism.
As she described feeling on top of her game till Saturday afternoon, when she was so hot and tired after working 6 horses, whilst she was thinking through the potential client who stated her services were too high, my mind latching on to the “just six horses”. Being fully aware of many times before of her doing more than that and she was just jubilant. My weekend of a new client just pulling in, signing up, paying up front in cash, so pleased, to then find my energy dropping when a phone call conversation was some scientific thing to prove the reason I need to learn from someone else, go back to school. My mind reeling from the “what more learning” when is this ever going to end, I “was” having fun.
When the answer fully clicked in, and my toothache vanished as I realized I get tired when I am trying to just think my way out of the problem of not enoughness. The minute another gets my attention to cause me to think I am not enough, my energy starts to stall, if I continue to try to figure out what they are talking about, I start to evaporate, dissolve into this cavern, deep inside, that the lights begin to dim, flicker… Not the bright, glowing, flame of passion like when I am handling a horse, teaching another, coaching someone through to find their own connection. I get so caught up in the moment I feel I can go for hours. I am having fun, helping them to learn how to move with the animal till both are on the same page.
It is all of these detours that get to me, the ones that get me to think thoughts that have nothing to do with movement forward, here, now, right this minute. Just this intellectual “They know more than me” sales pitch/opinion that starts just one smidgen of doubt, causing me to think about giving my trust away to keeping up with the Jones’s, or doing something I am not the least bit interested in contributing time or money to. Animals in my mind have it made, they don’t have the comparison thing going on. They have learned the ability to test a direction and if it does not feel good, work out, they then look around and keep moving till they find what does feel good and flow for them to move forward. Non movement is death, thinking too hard, struggling to understand, getting caught in a whirlwind of information one is not interested in, being polite to fit in is stagnation. They live in the now, every single minute of the day. They have no yesterday, or tomorrow now is important, it is everything. I am learning to trust more and more these subtle body clues of hmmm, even in reading my email I have discovered that slight pause, means delete, walk away. If it feels warm, inviting, I start to read and at the first hmmm, realize the best effort is to hit delete, to move, to do something, anything else, as life is calling me forward to something better, something more live giving, something for me.