Discovering My Truth
Much of what might seem like work to many, is the most marvelous chore for excavating, sometimes delicately the many layers of my life. I have found the more I need to know an answer to a particular question; is to just ask, wait, pay attention, and if there seems no reply. I play with the question, changing words, changing inflections, changing my view of why, where, when, or what if… sometimes when I am able to stay with asking until I get to the “what if’s?” I am always amazed at finding several probabilities I had never even thought of that then show themselves to me.
The chore of weed eating, not intending or expecting to do all five acres, just with the constant rain, the equipment mishaps, and now the mosquitoes, this had moved to the top of my priority list. Doubly so because some of these weeds, easily measured over 5 foot tall and some extended three or four foot across, assisted in their growing from the lightening during the storms. The sanity is in the joy of a rich sandy loam, a love of manicured property, and the past experience of the relief found in pulling, tugging, digging, and uprooting physically some of my sometimes obvious and oft times hidden dilemmas. Today’s accomplishment being made more important now hours later after working three horses and my afternoon route.
The first two horses are coming along nicely, slowly allowing me to become in tune with them by working through the small glitches that reflect my relationship to men. These horses have taught me how I have allowed myself this trap of feeling so much more for another’s feelings, that then when I get run over or pushed aside. I was more than just a little bit miffed. “How could someone do that to me, I cared so much!” These big awesome creatures teaching me the tact of saying no and holding my ground, actually finds them more respective to my point of view. The third horse, was all about her, prima donna, almost perfect for lessons… when she is in the mood. Today she taught me how much I have allowed women more say in my life than I even had any indication about. She would give in, just long enough to bait the hook, then push back trying to tell me I am nothing, that she is awesome and I owe her. The session ending with me a little ahead, but definitely with more work to do.
So I drove and thought about all that has transpired in the last few months. All the layers, some torn down, some gently scraped, many reconstructed for me to find at the base a new premise after summing all of my searching for who me is up. I am me, unique, an individual, a tall, interesting, feeling, sensing, and an actual know it all…about me. The core of me is really, totally and completely up to me. There is a ton of information out there, there are tons of opinions, tons of reason, literature, documentaries, and research to tell me who or what I am or supposed to be. Just the final result is me dictating, deciding, and being My Complete Version of Me.
How I train, dance, talk, walk, look, feel or whatever is the style I have developed and finally own because that is who I now decide I am. If I change any of it, lose weight, gain weight, dye my hair, color my teeth, get a tattoo or shave my head and walk backwards tomorrow… I am still me, I just changed “My Mind” and a mind is a terrible thing to waste!