Equals a phone call from someone you don’t know or would rather not talk to, so it’s sent to voicemail to be heard with the time to answer at one’s convenience or added to the guilt list to have to call back later. They called me, it’s polite to return the call, what will they think, how would I feel if it were me, etc. etc. etc. All of this noise going on in my head, over a phone call from someone whom I know that considering the time of day, I have a pretty good chance of hearing a very inebriated conversation. Writing the words out are even worse, because of the guilt, which takes me back to the brace found yesterday in letting out my horses for their grazing time.
The first one a sort of pushy, get out of my way… screech to halt, made to back up till respect was acknowledged. The second one, out of my way… what?? Okay, okay I will be back up. Darn female owner. The third, what do you mean I have to behave too? The other two are already free, okay, fine! The last one, started to raise his head and then thought, no, she is going to make me work for it, so slow, easy, listen, respect, then allowed to quietly go out to join the others.
My whole mind taking in this totally unusual pushiness in most of my horses, knowing today, in just a little while I will be addressing it when I go out. Just my awareness of the relief of unknown built up pressure, of evidently holding my breath to get my son out of the eighth grade and into high school next year.
Though after meeting with his counselors this morning and setting up the all the guide lines for the community service he is enrolled in for the summer. Having them state to him, in front of me, that “he” is responsible for “his” actions. How everything he does affects those around him. How all of his shenanigans have a domino effect on those he lives with. Where somewhere in that hour long conference, he went from fidgeting like the horses to get out, get away. He calmed down, focused on what was being said, and I swear this light came on that my life really has changed so much in the last almost 5 years. When I started on this road to only being responsible for me, and giving everyone else back the task of taking care of their selves.
I came home, hung up my Fireman’s hat, so wanting to sit down and just bawl… In relief, I made it to today! In amazement, the Universe really is assisting me to have the life I so desire and deserve. I just needed to get out of the way, follow the feelings of what I wanted because “I wanted it!” Not because it would get someone else off my back, to like me, love me, live with or work with me.
I am now learning to adjust my ability to take in only what feels good for and to me. If I find myself reading, eating, drinking, or participating in something that does not work for me at any given moment, I now know I can stop, put it down, turn it off or change my selection. Without judging whatever it is as being right, wrong, good or bad. It just isn’t for me right now and that’s okay. Having a variety to choose from is what makes life interesting, and sometimes the right selections of things I don’t like as they are, allows me the ability to be a creator and maybe create something more to my desires.
Suddenly I wish to thank every person I ever perceived as hurting, lying, cheating, leaving, hating or treating me badly, for setting me free to choose differently. I give up so looking backward in the feeling of loss or without, I now look at all the tools I have acquired to make selection based on what is best for me from the most important point of view of all… My own! I now thank all the struggle, conflict, changes, and defeats of the thousands of lights that burnt out or never came on to take me down trails that my inner self truly knew were not right for me. To embrace all the interesting learning curves which helped me to find the unique twist and turns that led me to this moment. As I now understand how I have been cautiously bracing myself for each step forward in this new found way of life, waiting for the past to jump out and drag me back. Instead of striding forward in control of my choice of direction to set sail and embrace all the wonders that are yet to come.