Monthly Archives: June 2012
Woke up this morning, aware, for the first time in forever of the load I have been carrying, because of the beliefs instilled in me. Some from fear, from frustration, from respect, from family, friends, well-wishers, teachers, foes, and life’s lived in being here on this planet experiencing life in our exposures to others. With each of us in a constant state of learning from everything around us, not always having the same sort of lesson’s, adventures or situations to teach us where, what, or even who we are.
For each of us, it is as different of a journey as we are unique, individual creations. Many times being in places or things that when compared to another’s situation, cause us to come to conclusions that may hold true for that moment in whatever state of feeling we find ourselves in. Grappling, struggling, doing, having, enjoying, or just being alive. Many times lost as to why? The why’s cause more questions, the kind that seek understanding to the feelings that come up, good, bad, right or wrong. Those answers sought outside of ourselves most of the time because we needed to know, and looking inside is, or in my case was never really taught. There were all of these rules to follow; printed on papers, memorized at school, in church, the media, in instruction manuals, and from our society.
Though the only rule looking back that I now see so very differently was the one “You know what is right or wrong!” and now I get it. But it is because I have learned to look inside, to trust my gut, to find the connection I had so believed and was taught came from without. Never realizing my true source of information was not all of the learnedness within my head, but in my body, right below my heart. My solar plexus, connection to my center, my gut instincts, this place of knowing that argued for me for years as a child. Struck down with a spastic colon which would leave me curled up in agony trying to get away from the fear, the pain, the disassociation with myself in trying to please those around me. When so many parts of me where screaming to be heard.
This email this morning from Loving Each Day said it so clearly:
“Be in communion with the Lord. Calm. Clear. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nurturing. Healing. Restoring. Renewing. Forgive. Really forgive. Completely forgive. Forgive completely. Trust. Trust in God. Trust in the Lord, the chief emissary sent as your companion, best friend. Trust in Self. You chose this. You created this. Do the learning. Do the growth. Appreciate the value. Appreciate the opportunity. Give gratitude. Be grateful. Be humble and willing to serve, first to your Self, and then in the overflow, to all of God’s creation. – John Morton”
At the same time of reading it I realized all of the stuff that has showed up and comes up any more, is such a wonderful teaching to me, as I have learned to calm down, take it slower, feel what is truly going on and ask these three questions; “What is it I am supposed to know?, How can I help? What is the gift in this for me?”
This morning I found several of those situations so wonderfully revealing to me, especially the one from my first lesson when I was helping a horse with a saddling issue. The animal was fine when groomed, then the blankets, and saddle were placed on him. No problem when the girth (front piece of tack that goes under the belly and holds the saddle in place) was brought underneath his belly and the adjoining strap placed in the ring to draw it up next to him. It was the motion of pulling it up tight that set him off, to suck in his breath and draw up like a blow fish ready to pop. In my observation of this drastic fear of being trapped into how the owner expected him to suck it up. I became aware of how it would feel to me, my body responding with the thought of ask first, don’t just cut off my ability to breathe in.
So we started over, this time when the strap was just touching his belly, we just snugged it gently with a downward motion with his breath. He tightened, felt for the jerk up…nothing from us… then he breathed. Allowing him to get comfortable, then again just snugged it in an easy downward motion. Again he waited, so anticipating the upward jerk, expecting a struggle and breathed when there was no accompanying tug. After several more attempts from start to finish, the horse stayed calm, finally yawning, and eyeing us. Suddenly I saw myself with years of my pulling upward on so many different horses to “cinch them up”, feeling a vast difference with the feeling of drawing it down. Marveling in how much this horse had to give me by allowing me to see the gift, not the struggle, or fear from the old way having to being right.
Each and everything once understood, now to be felt for the truth within. Because we truly know what is right for each of us as an individual. We have free will to think our thoughts, to feel our feelings, to have our own taste and choices… when we go within and trust ourselves!
My email this morning from the Universe (TUT) was an inspiring piece on the top 10 things people do to give away their power:
1. Asking others what they should do. 2. Thinking God decides who gets what. 3. Worrying about how their dream will come true. 4. Thinking they have dues to pay. 5. Attaching to unimportant details and outcomes. 6. Believing in soul mates. 7. Thinking karma or spiritual contracts are absolute. 8. Fear of anything, especially falling in love. 9. Waiting for their ducks to line up before acting. 10. Choosing to be unhappy.
Understand the truth, little bird, and you will soar.
Caw-caw, The Universe
Which in and of itself set the tone for my day in more ways than I would have ever imagined. Especially when one mixes this information with the many other pieces of information I chance to open, draw my attention, or are handed to me to read. With this morning’s day starting at well before six, as I managed to beat the alarm awake with this feeling of impending change. So I fed, perused my email, fixed breakfast, showered and then began my arranging my schedule to allow me to get all horses rode before twelve thirty and the amazing heat of this last week. All the while imagining and expecting rain from the tail tell signs of the flies way to up close and personal, the heavy thickness in the air, the huge stacks of storm clouds in the distance and the blankets of clouds that kept filtering the sun’s rays. Allowing momentary relief in the arena as I moved from horse to horse, aware of how many new steps I have successfully accomplished with each mount.
As I was grooming my last horse of the morning, I suddenly had this very old thought/belief that flitted across my mind. One of those that you believe in so strongly, you would swear by it. But I noticed my reaction to it, suddenly seeing and understanding from where it came from, what was probably meant by it when I learned it, and the absurdity of it now as I truly looked at the hold it has had on me and my life.
I was just brushing the horse when the thought “animals are to be fed and taken care of first” crossed my mind. I remembered being yelled at, intimidated and threatened if I did not take care of them, before I was allowed to do anything else. I became aware of how I have held myself to that standard for years, until right then, because of the conversation I had with my client yesterday over a very old horse she had recently noticed, had been checking on, and her now disclosed feelings about why to keep it alive in such condition. It had food, water, yet its bones were visible, it was extremely hairy and in this heat…
I know there are many sides to every story, it is not mine to judge. It’s just the story made me realize how trapped I have been, because I religiously take better care of my animals first. Than I have ever done for me, and as I remembered this I thought how crazy it is, that this habit mimics my old ways of taking care of others better than me. Not realizing, if I don’t eat, drink or take care of me first, I am really not taking care of the animals to the best of my ability. I have had this habit since I was very small and my dad went ballistic over me missing feeding the dog one night and threatened me with my very life if I did anything before feeding them ever again. What a belief to install, believe in, or condition your every habit to in a total survival mode.
I came in when finished, pleased with myself for having all horses tended to before 12:30 and out of the heat. In to ponder this new awareness, to be greeted by the TUT notes in another’s blog and email. Now enjoying this process of being led, allowing stuff to come up, be looked at, decided on for how true it might or might not still be, then changing accordingly.
Aware of my body still signaling to me if I have totally cleared something, when I should pay attention, and especially if I am enjoying myself… or not. There is still tightness in the left side of my neck, typing this makes my mouth dry, though I have had a splendid evening of chick flick movies. Being entertained and having other pieces of my life shown to me in entirely new perspectives, as I discover I am looking at life more and more as a changing kaleidoscope of then, now and next. Things are what they were, can be viewed many ways, and sometimes allowing the obvious out to be reassessed can be quite liberating.
There is wonderful side effect from all of this
working playing, learning about myself. I love all of the benefits that are starting to show up in so very many wonderful and fun ways. The first is this being to catch what words are coming out either in writing or talking, many times changing them as they are starting to be uttered or typed. As I have learned how to turn my IPhone into my magic helper ever since I discovered the note ap on it. Which allows me to make quick notations of thoughts for writing, for shopping, and to myself when I catch an old expression which I have probably said or used consistently without any awareness, till the moment I actually hear what belief I have so bought into as to be constantly reiterating it out loud.
Allowing myself the ability to hear it, find the past situation that might have created it, find the gift in it, then change it to something different, and let it go. Sometimes with EFT, a lot of times just by checking with myself if that is really true for me anymore, and if I want to continue down that path. A whole lot of stuff has shifted in the last few weeks, as I delved into all of the Freebie tapping’s sent out by Margaret M. Lynch, fascinated by how much hearing something I have done, know about, and understand, presented in a different fashion with such profound results, the differences I have noticed in everything I do.
Now the conversations with my youngest are no longer contest of who’s right or wrong. I have found this new voice that clearly states from a position of assertion what it is I am asking for, what it is I expect, and how all of this can benefit both of us. Monday’s discussion over his getting to visit a friend, if he cleaned the living room, which I walked in to watch, highly amused as he attempted to do the quick and stuff, till he caught me watching and adding things to the list. About the third try, he suddenly seem to realize the list was getting longer because of his antics, once he quit the theatrics and just did the required task, the list shrunk, four rooms got cleaned instead of one. We were laughing, enjoying ourselves, actually teasing back and forth, plus accomplishing keeping it all clean four days later. Suddenly discovering there is a way to play, pick, tease and banter that gets things done, saves time and seems to last longer with a lightness in being a team effort.
The lessons with my students are improving, as I find even simpler ways to show and explain how and why we are asking the horse to be with us. To hold its head curved if we are riding in a circle, and straight if one is going forward. Which even as I type this I am fascinated how totally simple this may sound to a non-rider, as common sense should dictate curve for a circle. Yet most riders, assume because they and the horse are in a circular enclosure that the horse will just follow the walls of the pen, and I then teach them about the connections by using dancing with a partner as an example. Finding the rhythm, timing, and flow of moving together as one team, to be able to find and feel the horse’s feet mimicking your own, the curve of their spine, their hips matching your hips, their shoulders imitating your own. The entire sensation of moving as a well-oiled component in synchronicity with your animal partner, my lesson from this morning totally enjoying her new found connection with the little mare, as she would lift her shoulder, raise her hip, engage her pelvic to bring the horse’s hip under her, matching great big steps. Take a breath, and then little bitty baby steps, completely relax, stop moving and find the horse perfectly in time with her actions and thoughts. Thanking me at the end for allowing her to find the feel of comfort, confidence and ease of moving with an animal she has been waiting to learn how to ride, so she can have one of her own and now accomplishing this desire at 50.
Savoring the feeling of success after this morning’s lessons, horses rode, and turned out with the heat lower at 99. I stopped for a quick lunch of watermelon and cereal, to then settle in for a short nap that took me to wondrous places in dreams that I have not had or at least not remembered in a very long time. My memories of the meditation brought about by the latest tapping sessions, just seemed to spread out before me. I found myself driving on a caliche road that turned off to the left after passing through the front gates, to a small nestled cabin, with a car port, horse pens and a small barn that was situated off to the side on the large property from the original owners for their foreman. It was my new place of residence, after the initial situation of traveling back and forth between the two places to train, coach, teach my clients and his daughters while he was working down near my old place. Which became less probable with the school year beginning and his next few jobs would have him in various parts of the state. The girls wishing to continue in school in the area of his home ranch, which had all the facilities I have desired, to now be at my disposal as their personal trainer and being allowed to continue with a few outside horses…
I woke up with a start! Wow, it was all so vivid, so real. I have not enjoyed a nap, an adventure, a more powerful provoking dream. A place for my imagination to flow so immensely and all of it so adding to the original memory, with interesting twists, tweaks, and turns that allowed me to revel in these enormous, wonderful, and intriguing possibilities. And to think, sometimes I would get so dog determined to have to have specific criteria, when the last thing I remember reading was to just get general, have an idea and let the Universe fill in the “How’s”. I think I will go watch a chick flick, something fun, enticing, and wickedly inviting. Maybe tap one more time on the few oddities that popped up when I first attempted to write about this, and then the movie. Yep, seems like a plan!
I’ve been sitting in front of the computer on and off most of today. Several times intending to write, just not having the feel of what I want to put out on the page in a place of comfort. Funny that, because my whole intention when I first started writing was for and to myself, with the occasional input when I allowed another to view my soul’s stirring, which in many ways is exactly what always shows up on the blank space in front of me.
Allowing me to empty out the noise, confusion, interesting tidbits of my life, the poems and stories that come buzzing out of my heart, many of the latter two I have not shared beyond my mind in months. More interested or concerned as of late to my future aspirations. As I have been digging out from all of my life long habits and reactions to the various situations I had found myself consistently attracting. Now days much more aware of the energy of thoughts and ideas I display and the resulting scenario’s which then plays out to show me where I am at, what I am considering, and what I might do differently to change the outcome.All of this so very brought to my conscious awareness after I became aware of the Law of Attraction and several other laws that are part and partial to ruling the Universe.
In my learning about these and so very many other things in the last few years I have found that in understanding there is peace. In learning I have control over my life by the choices I make, I discovered “I am” totally responsible for my life. Giving up the blame game, the desire to make it about someone or something else, I have found the peace which for so long seemed to elude me. Till I became friends with me, my right to choose, say yes, say no, open doors, close others, start to read something, then put it back because it did not ring true for me. I had felt I was searching for a to do list, so I could fit in, grab the gold ring, become part of other’s ideas about me.
So here, sitting in front of the computer, with extreme outside heat (temp in truck stated 116) I did what felt like the next logical steps for me. I read several blogs, another few pages in my current book, finished the latest tapathon after doing the first half twice and taking a nap. To be woken by a memory of a meditation from 12 years ago about this place I would someday live, who I would be with, the entrance to the place, the view from the porch down to the open pasture, even the step down living room with a flat screen TV(interesting because they did not exist yet).
I looked up at my current list of affirmations to find a pattern in them that so perfectly scripted this visualization as a coming possibility. So enjoying myself, I set out to write out in detail this wondrous idea, dream, vision, expected coming attraction… To find myself feeling the uncertainties arising in my gut, arguing with my sanity, my right, my very being worthy of something so good. So I sat, tapped, felt, tapped some more, felt for who or what old wall was keeping me safe, quiet, non-committed, and I felt the fear of listening… for some voice or voices to come out of the ethers and tell me… No!
Surprisingly all I heard was the ceiling fan blowing overhead, the faint sound of the vehicles on the highway out front and the occasional laughter of my son in the other room. I could hear my own breathing, feel my heart beating, aware of the dryness in my throat. All because of one simple story, a memory that I relished, enjoyed and partook in. Periodically imaging the house, the driveway, the barns, the yard and the pasture… realizing I was afraid to believe I had the right to dream, much less have. Now with having written it, I am aware of the silence found inside from all this work of clearing out “the peanut gallery” and “other people’s opinion. The quiet, thinking, believing in myself which allowed my fingers to finally type, the sentences to form, the admittance of my goal to any who might partake in my latest musings.
That my life is and has always been my own, these words almost deafening in the wonderful empty awaken to create place in my head. This place of finding and owning me, myself and I is so liberating, so different, so ME!
The last few days have been truly about observation. Learning to look at situations to find the resources buried in them. The random treasures located as I begin to learn and understand a bigger picture as I clear myself of small ensnaring habits of thoughts that have been quietly running my life. Most of this brought into a bigger place of awareness thanks in part to a set of emails I have been receiving from Margaret Lynch over an EFT tapping series based upon the chakra’s of the body. This from her understanding and sharing, is where we bury and hold various vows we have made to ourselves, to not be or do something based upon experiences when we were younger. Much of mine that I have unearthed, recognized and let go of, having to do with the ages between 4 through 10.
The one from Wednesday over an incident as the third child, when my oldest sister was being taught how to ride a bike (before training wheels) they had spent most of the morning, holding, helping, encouraging, and wiping away tears. To finally stop to go inside for a break, instructing me “Don’t touch anything”. Me, being the scrappy little tomboy waited till they disappeared inside, grabbed the tempting dark blue bike and with my natural born athleticism, within minutes was riding all up and down in front of the house. Enjoying my 4 year old self tremendously when my sister walked out, saw me, & started bawling. My parents came out, snatched me off the bike, yelling “how could you”, and all of my wonderment vanished as I silently vowed to myself, I would never put myself out there in front…first again.
Fascinated with tapping as the realization came up, then out, amazed at how well a very determined hurting child could make such a vow and keep it, to never put themselves at risk again. To face the wrath of anger and tears from trying, accomplishing and achieving out in the front, because of what it might do to someone else. In total commitment to keep myself safe, not shine, not come out in the open. I so congratulated this little waif for making such a huge promise and keeping it no matter what. Followed by the entire next day of a since of lightness which came over me, as I found this new since of freedom, to then bump up against the wall of broken promises from my youngest, just now situated in an entire different corner of my perspective to observe and learn from.
As this was happening I found myself watching from inside my head aware of some other vow, now allowed to reveal itself from under the habit of arguing for my rights, wrongs, feelings of frustration and my typical struggle of trying to fix it all. Instead of just letting it unfold, feeling for the little girl inside, what story, what vow was there, now attempting to get my attention so I could see it, know it, address it and let it go too. I suddenly saw myself at age 6, my dad suggesting a fishing trip, just him and me, alone, worms, poles, fish out in the country. Till the next day when I went out to the truck where all dressed up is my baby sister sitting next to my dad. I am so mad, “What about our day”, our deal, just him and me?” I get the explanation “you have to understand, she’s little, she deserves to come, it will be okay, you’ll see”.
All these words mean nothing, I am six years old, and there are four girls, the oldest, the pretty one, me and the baby. I don’t have a place, I cannot trust to have a turn. There is always someone with a better place, position, or title that promises are made and kept too. I vowed I would never trust anyone, whole hearted again; I didn’t fit in, or belong. As I see this totally confused, angry, frustrated child, vowing that lies were a way of life to make things okay. I love her, I respect her, I tell her I understand, and I let the vow go. To find hours later my son, suddenly doing and fulfilling all of the promises I had been struggling to get accomplished. I know I have let loose an entire line of knots, entanglements, broken connections to the energy so contained in this one little girl, from parents meaning no harm. Just doing the best they could from their vantage point, all those many years ago.In this new found freedom of understanding, clearing and change I find myself in a more peaceful place of understanding this morning in the lesson that unfolded.
My first lesson this morning brings their own horse for me to evaluate and help them in their learning and understanding as new horse owners. The riding lesson goes smoothly, me adding small pieces of information, allowing it to sink in, find a place in the flow of communication between horse and rider. Finding us ending on a very good note of accomplishment and connection, with just the horse trimmer’s working with the mare’s feet to finish up the morning’s list of things to accomplish.
The mare standing there quietly as first one foot , then two, then three, finally still behaving as they are working on to the last foot, I turn away to put up a rake. Looking back in time to see the mare suddenly just drop almost on top of the trimmer, and go to the ground. I quickly take in the entire situation. I step back into reach for the mare, I make sure everyone is clear of the horse, highly aware of the mare raising her head, coming fully alert that she has managed to move everyone out of her immediate space, with a habit I have caught her at once or twice in riding and saddling. Of suddenly kneeling down, on to the ground to hold her breath in an attempt to get out of having to work, my voice becomes loud, direct, informative, as I ask questions if all are okay, taking control, explaining my maneuvering the mare into a pattern of movement. As I drive her forward, circle right, step back, pivot, circle left, constantly moving her from place to place till her eyes change from the look of total I don’t have to, I quit, I refuse and you can’t make me. To the look of “yes ma’am, I know better, yes I can listen, yes you are the leader and that was not acceptable”.
Finding the power of taking over, being center stage, in charge, comfortable with my voice, my actions, my new reactions to not even ask or second guess myself. Just read the situation, do what is necessary and feel for where the others are coming from in their first responses back. The trimmer’s voice, loud, abrupt, distinct, angry and the owners voice, “did we make a mistake, what did we miss, what else should we know”. I recognize in all of our reactions the same base of “fear” sounding in the voices like anger, being mad, uncertainty, defense or loss of being totally in control. And I found an okay in all of that, cause I have found I am okay, I can do incredible things, because it is me, it is who I am, it is my time to shine! The freedom to just be…ME!
Okay, so I felt I had managed to change, clean out the clutter and let go of operating from OPO (other people’s opinions) enough to start throwing some pitches out to the Universe with the idea of meeting eligible, available, interesting, and different men. Allowing for my fascination with life in general to be part of the rudder of the boat I was about to captain, first in the smaller tributaries to test for seaworthiness. Then, maybe into deeper waters, depending upon how and if the fish were biting, what kind of bait seemed to be applicable, as long as it was all fun, interesting, and stimulated my inclination to want more.
First stop, two of the cowboy/horse lovers’ sites to re-up my profile and pictures, perusing the current users while there. Then to one of the sites associated with Facebook. Interesting how as I was figuring out the guidelines for the various forms of communications after finding a man of some interest. Getting to find the hidden fees at time of full commitment which change my mind, he wasn’t that interesting. But in closing the screen I suddenly get a blip from my computer about incoming mail. Check it to find mail stating “since I was a first timer, the said hidden fee would not be charged if I signed up in the next 24 hours”. I tend to be kind of funny about games and honesty, deciding my time and money would be much better spent elsewhere.
To then find myself at a free for some of their features site. Sign up was easy, quick and painless. Four hits in less than the time it took to sign up, one from the site originator, one an old friend, one hit for a quickie, and one designated guru. I read, I answered, I blocked, and I deleted. To then find and utilize the search feature, fully aware as I browsed my true tastes, desires, wishes, and filters, to manage the flow of information so easily speeding across the page. About every 12 or so, one of click on and read more would pop up. I would go explore further, amazed, awestruck, sometimes questioning, and a lot of times just plain fascinated at the variety of this huge buffet table. Definitely with something for everyone, the line of pages seemingly stretching out to infinity and every day more courses added to the menu.
Learned to use the chat, the reply, the block, the decline and the no, No, NO delete with quite good accuracy, to find myself now a week or so later, still having fun, still in charge of my choices and still uncovering mirrors of the past. Though these reflections hold much smaller shadows than in previous episodes. The biggest one being my awareness of how many references to the need for one to be “sexy” for or too another. Which became blaringly obvious in the checkout line today when I noticed all the tabloids in a whole new way, suddenly aware of all of the hype, salesmanship, stories, and information depicting perfect sex as the solution to a great relationship.
I suddenly looked at my present world, views, and thoughts that I have. Compared to the teachings of my youth, my dating years, my married years and all the ones in between. Realizing I had so bought into and lived every bit of that as truth up until these last few years of changing, healing, releasing and letting go of thinking, being or existing to fit in with others. Suddenly I have a crystal clear image of the two guys in my life who I had so much fun with, so much companionship with, sharing games of pool, cards, fishing, swimming, just plain hanging out with and truly getting to know each other, first. Became friends, buddies, cronies, then closer, more intimate, till the cross over to “oh my God, when did this happen” being in love. Not lovers, just actual dates, dances, a closeness that follows knowing the phone is about to ring as they call. Knowing how to finish each other’s sentences. Suddenly wanting more, then asking, till spoken out loud to others and the world of OPO, the peanut gallery crashes in.
Funny these sites and some of the bait being offered, the stories, the pics, the suggestions, the ones trolling for adventure, and the few fun ones who are willing to learn, figure it out, take the time it takes. On these dating sites, where getting past the loud blaring music of first timer’s, odd introductions, interesting timing and the rules of engagement (actual meetings) cause me to remember this horse quote “If when using a theory it doesn’t work on even one horse, than it is a tool, not a rule” Cindy Hawk Sullivan” Ahh but I am learning so much, enjoying the attention, and appreciating the view. Letting go, allowing myself to feel each intriguing step forward!
Shianwrites nominated me for the Reader Appreciation Award. I so appreciate her writings and her nomination. It has just taken me a little while to figure out how to cut, paste, open more than one screen and go back and forth betwixt them all to finally compose this! (sheesh writing is so much easier :))
How it woks:
Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.
Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.
Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. (Or you pick the number.)
Pay the love forward, provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
Pay the love back with gratitude and a link back to the blogger who nominated you.
What is your favorite color? Purple/ Green
What is your favorite animal? Horses
What is your favorite nonalcoholic drink? Fresca
Facebook or Twitter? Facebook account just don’t go there much
Do you prefer getting or giving presents? Both
Favorite number? 13
Favorite Day of the week? Sunday
Favorite flower? Mini Roses
What is your passion? Horses: Coaching, Teaching, Training, Riding
8. MAZE A DAY
This is intended to be quick and to the point (hopefully) post on my first day of my newest challenge on BLC:
To read twice daily my life shopping list of positive directions and change them faithfully each time I find one completed, or edit the sentence and change the list to add things that may suddenly catch my fancy.
Seems like a small step, yet the huge benefits I have been reaping from writing things fully out, editing them on my computer and putting a placard next to my night lamp, on my bathroom mirror, and here in full view on the bottom of my computer screen. The fantastic things that continue to manifest on a now almost constant daily basis.
Mostly because of all of the blogging I have been doing, originally just to get myself out of my head, but now to find all of my heart. My learning to pay attention to how I feel about whatever is going on around me. Comparing information and learning to really see, then understand what is actually going on inside of me.
In a few minutes I will be doing the tapping along with Margaret Lynch again about the money shadow, just changing and adjusting the words to address relationship shadows. As of a few moments ago, I could feel the pull to delve inside myself over the work crazy life I have been living since my best friend, my mom, past away a few years ago. I see the comparison from doing the exercise for money shadow, so matching and available for the relationship shadow I uncovered after the movie I just finished watching.
Wow, there can be the smallest thing come to light, which then allows an entire new view, from living so very long with an old shadow we don’t even know we are stuck underneath away from the light. The tapping will commence as soon as the video finishes loading and I finish posting this! I am in charge of my life!
The last twenty four hours has found me busy experiencing and experimenting with life through horses, people, computers, and internet dating sites. The first experience begins with my student of last night, who has been slowly, intricately finding how to separate each part of her anatomy. Fascinated as she discovers the dance of the horse so thoroughly mimicking her moves, finding as she separates her heel’s movement, from her knee, thigh or hip of the softness of feel and response given back to her from her mount. So intrigued with how much the horse offers as with what seemed like resistance, now becoming flowing steps as she carefully moves each separate part of her legs, arms or torso. To be so rewarded from this mammal so many take to be just an animal to ride.
As I am watching her almost oblivious to me mounted just yards away. I suddenly find myself on a very agitated animal, as he suddenly begins mouthing the bit, then fidgeting first one foot, then two. I become aware of his motions as they quickly show the signs of something amiss that I can feel, just not see or find. As I allow him the benefit of the doubt, he starts walking in small, tight and extremely unusual circles. His heartbeat increasing as I sense something unusual about to happen with this steed who had experienced so much trauma before ending up here. About the time I go to step off, he suddenly stops, lets out this huge sigh of “oh well” then begins to relieve himself, as I try very hard not to laugh at what I now understand was his problem. Though he is 10, and has been ridden for almost a year and a half, he has never had to work through this type of situation. His whole list of actions were in an attempt to not allow a human near as he had to fully relax to do his business. Which finally got the best of him as peeing became more important than having to maintain his stance of constant brace.
Once resolved, he yawned and yawned and yawned as his whole mental image of “I am supposed to stay tense when humans are near” suddenly no longer made sense. Much like the last two days of answering, reading, replying and deleting emails on the dating sights, as men from my past were the first to reply when my profile posted. Several very nice, curious as to what I was up to, if there might be still a chance, and the one who started out sounding nice, then proceeded to try to commit me to why I was wrong for ending it. That’s where I found the true joy in the delete button, and the effectiveness of the blocking tab this afternoon.
Later after indulging in this feeling of freedom of choice I went to get my mount of yesterday to play with, see where we are currently both at. Watching him as I proceeded across the pasture, having to brush aside my personal horses, who were just curious in the desire of a quick scratch or two. While he tried to play me for hide and seek amongst them, just a much shorter than yesterday version, a definite change in how he perceives my leadership. Showing once haltered, a lower head set, with a softer follow and feel back to the saddling area. More breathing, relaxed watch, give and movement while I groomed, checked feet and saddled.
The groundwork was much less tense, he still struggling with the belief that “should a human touch the rope on the left side of my body, I should fling my head completely to the right and brace for the inevitable”.( He carries a large hole in the center of his forehead from meeting with some object before he came here) I am in such a place of wonder of my own personal change in reacting to others I figure this is the perfect time to help him through this.
So for the next hour, I ask in small, well defined feels of exactly where I want his nose to get to before I release it. Knowing just how much slack will be in the line for him to reach and touch his nose to my skin, actually physically asking “is this what you want?” The first time on the left took 20 minutes, the right about 30 seconds. The dance of ask, reply and release continues till I feel him start to actually look at me and begin yawning. Allowing all this old fear to bubble up, come out, and dissipate in the cooler evening skies. All the while I am comparing his fears, trepidations, and concerns which so match the way I use to, months ago, view and deal with so many things of my own. Amazed at the coincidence of sorting through each scenario in my mind, and his asking occurring about the same time.
Once done, he walked back almost sauntering, different, comfortable, much like me. I now know I am okay, I can say no, I can change my mind, I can ask, I can be turned down, turned on, found and left alone, and I absolutely completely love and approve of myself anyway. Without requiring anything from the peanut gallery, as my choices on the buffet table of life… Are all my choices, the ones that matter to me!
The last few days of clearing out the fine layer of dust that seemed to cover so many areas of my life, (including the shelves, books, and eaves I am leaving for the dust bunny fairy). I have uncovered this vow that somehow, somewhere in the last few years of pulling out all stops to straighten out and understand my own magnetic aura of The Law of Attraction, definitely aware of the obvious stuff. Just wanting a closer view of why, where, when, and you’re kidding me I bought into all of that, which had been pretty much laying the path to all of the interesting scenario’s that have continued to grace my world in the last few years.
I discovered this vow in a conversation with another as I heard these words come out of my mouth “No one else around till I get him (my youngest) on the right track, grades up, headed to high school and responsible for himself.” I heard myself say it, and then I was so aware of the big wall I had erected to prevent any unintended, uninvited, or unimaginable excuses to dampen any possible, decent, tall, available male to be in my life. I literally have had this horrendous self-image of “what would someone else think?” I have been my own cage, cell, prison, from the thoughts of not having that part of my life together. Sheesh, what a thought, allowing my son’s behavior to rule my existence, though in retrospect it is actually kind of cool now, he asks for something, I check to see if he has done whatever chore or promised behavior is the current exchange ratio. No work, no anything, NO, NO, NO!
Suddenly the weight (wait) on my shoulder has vanished. His and others tons of fast talk, offers, begging, pleading, deals, are now cut off when they begin by a few simple words: Show me what it is worth to me! So in the realization of my new found freedom of total control of my life, my time, my thoughts, ideas, and expressions, I figured it was time to find out what or more like who, is out there. I went through the old sites I have not visited in years, reconfigured the words, pictures and information. Took a couple of the dating tests, to be amused at their five choices of answers for each question: agree, sort of agree, no opinion, sort of disagree, and disagree. To get the results back that maybe a computer thinks that is who I am by 25 questions, but I so know better and have enough sense to know I have cleaned up and cleared out so well. This tall, fortunate, family, fun, fantastic, smiling, athletic, horse interested ( if not involved up to his boots) will have the same idea of test and results on such a miniscule amount of information. To be summed up in specific paragraphs, depicting all kinds of things that are so way off in the world of other peoples opinions actually mattering.
Oh well, I have thrown a few pitches, sent out the clear energy of fun, laughter, all clear and full sails to each next moment. While I savor the joy of letting go of more unneeded, now recalled, and dissolved vows of celibacy till I obtained perfection for the peanut gallery. Woo hoo world, I am so on a roll!