The Fear Factor…
The last few days have been truly about observation. Learning to look at situations to find the resources buried in them. The random treasures located as I begin to learn and understand a bigger picture as I clear myself of small ensnaring habits of thoughts that have been quietly running my life. Most of this brought into a bigger place of awareness thanks in part to a set of emails I have been receiving from Margaret Lynch over an EFT tapping series based upon the chakra’s of the body. This from her understanding and sharing, is where we bury and hold various vows we have made to ourselves, to not be or do something based upon experiences when we were younger. Much of mine that I have unearthed, recognized and let go of, having to do with the ages between 4 through 10.
The one from Wednesday over an incident as the third child, when my oldest sister was being taught how to ride a bike (before training wheels) they had spent most of the morning, holding, helping, encouraging, and wiping away tears. To finally stop to go inside for a break, instructing me “Don’t touch anything”. Me, being the scrappy little tomboy waited till they disappeared inside, grabbed the tempting dark blue bike and with my natural born athleticism, within minutes was riding all up and down in front of the house. Enjoying my 4 year old self tremendously when my sister walked out, saw me, & started bawling. My parents came out, snatched me off the bike, yelling “how could you”, and all of my wonderment vanished as I silently vowed to myself, I would never put myself out there in front…first again.
Fascinated with tapping as the realization came up, then out, amazed at how well a very determined hurting child could make such a vow and keep it, to never put themselves at risk again. To face the wrath of anger and tears from trying, accomplishing and achieving out in the front, because of what it might do to someone else. In total commitment to keep myself safe, not shine, not come out in the open. I so congratulated this little waif for making such a huge promise and keeping it no matter what. Followed by the entire next day of a since of lightness which came over me, as I found this new since of freedom, to then bump up against the wall of broken promises from my youngest, just now situated in an entire different corner of my perspective to observe and learn from.
As this was happening I found myself watching from inside my head aware of some other vow, now allowed to reveal itself from under the habit of arguing for my rights, wrongs, feelings of frustration and my typical struggle of trying to fix it all. Instead of just letting it unfold, feeling for the little girl inside, what story, what vow was there, now attempting to get my attention so I could see it, know it, address it and let it go too. I suddenly saw myself at age 6, my dad suggesting a fishing trip, just him and me, alone, worms, poles, fish out in the country. Till the next day when I went out to the truck where all dressed up is my baby sister sitting next to my dad. I am so mad, “What about our day”, our deal, just him and me?” I get the explanation “you have to understand, she’s little, she deserves to come, it will be okay, you’ll see”.
All these words mean nothing, I am six years old, and there are four girls, the oldest, the pretty one, me and the baby. I don’t have a place, I cannot trust to have a turn. There is always someone with a better place, position, or title that promises are made and kept too. I vowed I would never trust anyone, whole hearted again; I didn’t fit in, or belong. As I see this totally confused, angry, frustrated child, vowing that lies were a way of life to make things okay. I love her, I respect her, I tell her I understand, and I let the vow go. To find hours later my son, suddenly doing and fulfilling all of the promises I had been struggling to get accomplished. I know I have let loose an entire line of knots, entanglements, broken connections to the energy so contained in this one little girl, from parents meaning no harm. Just doing the best they could from their vantage point, all those many years ago.In this new found freedom of understanding, clearing and change I find myself in a more peaceful place of understanding this morning in the lesson that unfolded.
My first lesson this morning brings their own horse for me to evaluate and help them in their learning and understanding as new horse owners. The riding lesson goes smoothly, me adding small pieces of information, allowing it to sink in, find a place in the flow of communication between horse and rider. Finding us ending on a very good note of accomplishment and connection, with just the horse trimmer’s working with the mare’s feet to finish up the morning’s list of things to accomplish.
The mare standing there quietly as first one foot , then two, then three, finally still behaving as they are working on to the last foot, I turn away to put up a rake. Looking back in time to see the mare suddenly just drop almost on top of the trimmer, and go to the ground. I quickly take in the entire situation. I step back into reach for the mare, I make sure everyone is clear of the horse, highly aware of the mare raising her head, coming fully alert that she has managed to move everyone out of her immediate space, with a habit I have caught her at once or twice in riding and saddling. Of suddenly kneeling down, on to the ground to hold her breath in an attempt to get out of having to work, my voice becomes loud, direct, informative, as I ask questions if all are okay, taking control, explaining my maneuvering the mare into a pattern of movement. As I drive her forward, circle right, step back, pivot, circle left, constantly moving her from place to place till her eyes change from the look of total I don’t have to, I quit, I refuse and you can’t make me. To the look of “yes ma’am, I know better, yes I can listen, yes you are the leader and that was not acceptable”.
Finding the power of taking over, being center stage, in charge, comfortable with my voice, my actions, my new reactions to not even ask or second guess myself. Just read the situation, do what is necessary and feel for where the others are coming from in their first responses back. The trimmer’s voice, loud, abrupt, distinct, angry and the owners voice, “did we make a mistake, what did we miss, what else should we know”. I recognize in all of our reactions the same base of “fear” sounding in the voices like anger, being mad, uncertainty, defense or loss of being totally in control. And I found an okay in all of that, cause I have found I am okay, I can do incredible things, because it is me, it is who I am, it is my time to shine! The freedom to just be…ME!