The Integrity to Inspire Myself..
I’ve been sitting in front of the computer on and off most of today. Several times intending to write, just not having the feel of what I want to put out on the page in a place of comfort. Funny that, because my whole intention when I first started writing was for and to myself, with the occasional input when I allowed another to view my soul’s stirring, which in many ways is exactly what always shows up on the blank space in front of me.
Allowing me to empty out the noise, confusion, interesting tidbits of my life, the poems and stories that come buzzing out of my heart, many of the latter two I have not shared beyond my mind in months. More interested or concerned as of late to my future aspirations. As I have been digging out from all of my life long habits and reactions to the various situations I had found myself consistently attracting. Now days much more aware of the energy of thoughts and ideas I display and the resulting scenario’s which then plays out to show me where I am at, what I am considering, and what I might do differently to change the outcome.All of this so very brought to my conscious awareness after I became aware of the Law of Attraction and several other laws that are part and partial to ruling the Universe.
In my learning about these and so very many other things in the last few years I have found that in understanding there is peace. In learning I have control over my life by the choices I make, I discovered “I am” totally responsible for my life. Giving up the blame game, the desire to make it about someone or something else, I have found the peace which for so long seemed to elude me. Till I became friends with me, my right to choose, say yes, say no, open doors, close others, start to read something, then put it back because it did not ring true for me. I had felt I was searching for a to do list, so I could fit in, grab the gold ring, become part of other’s ideas about me.
So here, sitting in front of the computer, with extreme outside heat (temp in truck stated 116) I did what felt like the next logical steps for me. I read several blogs, another few pages in my current book, finished the latest tapathon after doing the first half twice and taking a nap. To be woken by a memory of a meditation from 12 years ago about this place I would someday live, who I would be with, the entrance to the place, the view from the porch down to the open pasture, even the step down living room with a flat screen TV(interesting because they did not exist yet).
I looked up at my current list of affirmations to find a pattern in them that so perfectly scripted this visualization as a coming possibility. So enjoying myself, I set out to write out in detail this wondrous idea, dream, vision, expected coming attraction… To find myself feeling the uncertainties arising in my gut, arguing with my sanity, my right, my very being worthy of something so good. So I sat, tapped, felt, tapped some more, felt for who or what old wall was keeping me safe, quiet, non-committed, and I felt the fear of listening… for some voice or voices to come out of the ethers and tell me… No!
Surprisingly all I heard was the ceiling fan blowing overhead, the faint sound of the vehicles on the highway out front and the occasional laughter of my son in the other room. I could hear my own breathing, feel my heart beating, aware of the dryness in my throat. All because of one simple story, a memory that I relished, enjoyed and partook in. Periodically imaging the house, the driveway, the barns, the yard and the pasture… realizing I was afraid to believe I had the right to dream, much less have. Now with having written it, I am aware of the silence found inside from all this work of clearing out “the peanut gallery” and “other people’s opinion. The quiet, thinking, believing in myself which allowed my fingers to finally type, the sentences to form, the admittance of my goal to any who might partake in my latest musings.
That my life is and has always been my own, these words almost deafening in the wonderful empty awaken to create place in my head. This place of finding and owning me, myself and I is so liberating, so different, so ME!