Woke up this morning, aware, for the first time in forever of the load I have been carrying, because of the beliefs instilled in me. Some from fear, from frustration, from respect, from family, friends, well-wishers, teachers, foes, and life’s lived in being here on this planet experiencing life in our exposures to others. With each of us in a constant state of learning from everything around us, not always having the same sort of lesson’s, adventures or situations to teach us where, what, or even who we are.
For each of us, it is as different of a journey as we are unique, individual creations. Many times being in places or things that when compared to another’s situation, cause us to come to conclusions that may hold true for that moment in whatever state of feeling we find ourselves in. Grappling, struggling, doing, having, enjoying, or just being alive. Many times lost as to why? The why’s cause more questions, the kind that seek understanding to the feelings that come up, good, bad, right or wrong. Those answers sought outside of ourselves most of the time because we needed to know, and looking inside is, or in my case was never really taught. There were all of these rules to follow; printed on papers, memorized at school, in church, the media, in instruction manuals, and from our society.
Though the only rule looking back that I now see so very differently was the one “You know what is right or wrong!” and now I get it. But it is because I have learned to look inside, to trust my gut, to find the connection I had so believed and was taught came from without. Never realizing my true source of information was not all of the learnedness within my head, but in my body, right below my heart. My solar plexus, connection to my center, my gut instincts, this place of knowing that argued for me for years as a child. Struck down with a spastic colon which would leave me curled up in agony trying to get away from the fear, the pain, the disassociation with myself in trying to please those around me. When so many parts of me where screaming to be heard.
This email this morning from Loving Each Day said it so clearly:
“Be in communion with the Lord. Calm. Clear. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nurturing. Healing. Restoring. Renewing. Forgive. Really forgive. Completely forgive. Forgive completely. Trust. Trust in God. Trust in the Lord, the chief emissary sent as your companion, best friend. Trust in Self. You chose this. You created this. Do the learning. Do the growth. Appreciate the value. Appreciate the opportunity. Give gratitude. Be grateful. Be humble and willing to serve, first to your Self, and then in the overflow, to all of God’s creation. – John Morton”
At the same time of reading it I realized all of the stuff that has showed up and comes up any more, is such a wonderful teaching to me, as I have learned to calm down, take it slower, feel what is truly going on and ask these three questions; “What is it I am supposed to know?, How can I help? What is the gift in this for me?”
This morning I found several of those situations so wonderfully revealing to me, especially the one from my first lesson when I was helping a horse with a saddling issue. The animal was fine when groomed, then the blankets, and saddle were placed on him. No problem when the girth (front piece of tack that goes under the belly and holds the saddle in place) was brought underneath his belly and the adjoining strap placed in the ring to draw it up next to him. It was the motion of pulling it up tight that set him off, to suck in his breath and draw up like a blow fish ready to pop. In my observation of this drastic fear of being trapped into how the owner expected him to suck it up. I became aware of how it would feel to me, my body responding with the thought of ask first, don’t just cut off my ability to breathe in.
So we started over, this time when the strap was just touching his belly, we just snugged it gently with a downward motion with his breath. He tightened, felt for the jerk up…nothing from us… then he breathed. Allowing him to get comfortable, then again just snugged it in an easy downward motion. Again he waited, so anticipating the upward jerk, expecting a struggle and breathed when there was no accompanying tug. After several more attempts from start to finish, the horse stayed calm, finally yawning, and eyeing us. Suddenly I saw myself with years of my pulling upward on so many different horses to “cinch them up”, feeling a vast difference with the feeling of drawing it down. Marveling in how much this horse had to give me by allowing me to see the gift, not the struggle, or fear from the old way having to being right.
Each and everything once understood, now to be felt for the truth within. Because we truly know what is right for each of us as an individual. We have free will to think our thoughts, to feel our feelings, to have our own taste and choices… when we go within and trust ourselves!