Thinking deeply as I find this stirring of memory, this fondness, this feeling of a lifelong acquaintance about to be slowly coming to a close. Finding all these other memories suddenly flooding over and around me as I begin this sorting, healing, ritual that has found me once again, as one more layer comes floating up to view. I feel, unwind, and sort through the clinging grasp of tendrils of emotions I find myself almost overwhelmed in, when I ask a question about over hauling my truck which has been with me for years.
The answer is just an honest, simple, truth when I present the idea of saving just the engine which has withstood the hundreds of thousands miles, carrying groups of students and their horses down the road, then back home again. My suggestion to rebuild it, restore it, enable it to carry on. Is met with the mechanic’s knowledge that this year and type of engine Ford no longer manufactures. So maintaining it for parts would always be a specialty item, which I now know in the awareness to let go of it.
Shows the quietly, lingering fear… of allowing something new, something different, something powerful and real. A combination of everything good, awesome, imaginable and dreamed of, out of the hidden places of my mind, stuck behind the huge wall of resistance to truly trust. I might really deserve, have, be, and revel in my dreams. Have the things I have desired since very, very small. Having finally cleared out the tangled webs of confusion, uncertainty, unworthiness, and not enoughness to play out loud, be big, be great, and have it all… and then some.
Slowly in the writing this tale about the last few days of my uncertainty. I see clearly I have been guided to right now, around the maze of traps I have learned to place in front of me, to stop me from moving and allowing any more forward movement than itty, bitty, tiny, baby steps. Past the tears of fear, imagined loss and pain, to the realization that have poured forth in this my writing to myself, with the listing and changing of a variety of old thought habits, questions, and odd comparisons. I understand what I have been feeling inside, not able to voice, till the words became legible before me. I love my truck. I love all of the steps that have brought me to here. Just much like training wheels on a bicycle I can move forward, balanced, and sure that new is an adventure. It’s okay to let go of the old. I am safe in each and every choice I now make. I have an entire new set of mental tools and abilities to make any and all decisions for myself. Life is Grand!