Turning The Corner…
Been an interesting week of exploring the possibilities that are now being offered out on the table, the variety is small, simple choices. It is in the sampling that life has become an intriguing game of what’s next. Gauntlets have been thrown out before me, stimulating, challenging, daring and at times befuddling me into action, especially in the changing of the clientele now flowing in and out of my life. With my longest student (a female) now being transferred hundreds of miles away, in return the Universe has opted to fill this vacancy with a man of interest.
Age, check. Height (at first glance) check. Horse knowledge spoken of, check. Actually seen, check. Able to honor a conversation, hmmm. Stop, watch, listen, awareness has this feel of believing with my eyes, yet my body does not honor the view. So I wait, watch, am asked to fulfill a few basic needs. And my hackles rise. I can sense myself questioning me. I feel this uneasiness, of a search for safe ground. Yet have the sensation of chasing my tail. Helped him to find a horse, suddenly a full-fledged worrier presents themselves. I find myself more than just helping a little, then more, then the sensation of wonder woman matches the sweat of super accomplishments. Followed by this angst, which is slowly, squeezing my freedom, my sense of safety, of space, with huge vats of previous mistakes, waving red flags I try to curtail, hold onto and identify.
The challenge of the week is to get his new acquisition loaded, hauled and to the front pen by the weekend. Deciding after the first trip Tuesday, rained out Wednesday and a great lesson Thursday morning, I could go get him loaded…1,2,3. Left the house, pulled up to check out the two available trailers, the more open one sitting backed up to the perfect mound of sand. As I backed the truck up to attach to it, I accomplished the perfect position on the first attempt. Checked the path from pen to trailer, then walked in to his pen, for him to stand while I haltered him, and then sent him first out the gate. To pleasantly surprise myself as he walked right in the trailer with me, to be back home in exactly an hour from start to finish. Called the man, who queried about I was where?
Then all the questions on how was the horse going to be when we went to load him. I told him, slow down, listen to what I had said, the horse had loaded and we, the horse and me were at my place. He was amazed… I was just so sure of me and my abilities once I decided I could and the Universe stepped right up to back me. I was so reveling in my accomplishment, till the man showed up and all of this what he would have done, blah, blah, blah. Listening to him talk, then have him attempt to talk me down on my prices…as a friend. I had sat with this new awareness of yuck, for the last few days, each visit felt like another dig. No offering to pay for my services and then Saturday evening, the lowness, “the what is itis” finally became to much.
He left. I sat and thought, felt, tapped, trying to shake this old, deep, sinking feeling… desiring to just be okay. Till at five AM, I started cleaning, moving, dusting, washing, sweeping, tackling great big huge piles of his stuff, left strewn about as he was emptying the huge horse trailer with living quarters he is refurbishing at my place. I cleaned, then sorted, arranged, repacked, perfectly managed every detail… both in the trailer and in my business mind. Pulled out a receipt, then itemized, day by day, hour by hour, any and all work I had done. Including his signed contract about services rendered beyond what he had signed up for. Sent him his copy, finished feeling assertive, in control, all the poison of not enoughness sweated out.
The phone rang when I stepped out of the shower, clean, clear, in control of my own power. As I listened to the arguments against my actions, easily fielding each pleading, cajoling, whining, frustrated “darling” he could come up with. Till three conversations later, I had two checks and all of my power back. I Can So Do This, I Am Woman Watch Me Roar! I found the place I slipped, backed up to it. Looked it over, allowed a new better answer to reveal itself, and presto I own my life, I am worthy, I do not give my business away. I make the big bucks cause I am awesome, capable, talented and I know it is okay and to my benefit to say “No”, put my foot down and honor my worth. There are so many fish in the sea.Because things always work out for me!