Drama, Dilemma, Dreams, Desires, Doing It
Rather a long week with little or no writing desires to help with the confusion that seemed to come and go in much of this latest spell of sorting through the jumble of thoughts found firmly lodged under my furrowed brow as I attempted to unwind from the odd ledge I found myself perched upon. Looking deftly all around for a hint or sign of how I got off of my path…again. Not far off, just enough for me to look up, look around, and feel for what was actually going on. Knowing I was searching for clues into this puzzle I found I had walked myself into, fully awake and aware, or at least it seemed so at the time.
Stopped and shook myself off late Wednesday night when my newest client, in an attempt to prove his sincerity showed up at 11 pm to pay me in cash and set the record straight of his intentions to honor the contract he had signed. He left, I disappeared back deep into my blankets and pillows to continue my interrupted dreams and wondrous sleep, to awaken the next morning with at least one end of a strand of habit, fully revealed and held firmly in my grasp.
Knowing the feeling of what it was I was looking for, allowed me to breathe. To stop and think, to feel each little previous step, to incrementally piece by piece, play back conversations, feelings, reactions and my awareness to the bait of habit I had/was so easily still succumbing to. I thought of how well the newly gelded, awkwardly moving (now that the overgrown hooves of years of neglect had been trimmed) 8 year old Appaloosa was having in readjusting to this new, changing, and totally different care than he had previously received. As his demeanor of distrust, aloofness, and pain, was being replaced by nickering when the feed and hay came, moving carefully and trying to attempt the slowly increasing times during each session as the rebuilding of his muscles, fetlocks, and hooves began the road back to recovery.
The first few minutes of each session seems to draw from me so much strength of certainty that this is all part of the process. Especially to be rewarded as he limbers up and starts to soften, stretch and at times move quicker of his own violation as he feels the increase of ease of mobility. His deep sighs when we’re through, after his stubbornness of not wanting to begin each session. Teaching me that patience with myself in making any decisions is still movement forward. For much like when I am helping him by paying close attention to his body’s response, I can tell when, how much, or what is the right way to proceed next.
So I began to match my untangling of the current puzzle to how much progress “Lil Brother” was making in each session. Fascinated as I took the pressure off of myself, only dug or looked if it was easy, enjoyable, and made sense. Any confusion, pain, or frustration, meant stop, wait, and allow the answer to show itself. Enjoying the relief I found in certainty, clarity, and plain dogged determination that not only would I figure this out, but decided that the solution meant more to me than this temporary week of pause, what now, go within, and much more like hibernation or a cocoon of transformation.
Finding myself this evening with all of the threads of a series of tangles, firmly grasped, sorted, unwound, and re-weaved into the perfect place of understanding and triumph. I have been succumbing to the storyline: “Oh my God”, “the sky is falling”, “look the boogey man”, “eating watermelon seeds will make them sprout out your ears” … The long litany of tales that though they grab my attention, turn my head, cause my “Rescue ranger itis” to rev up full speed ahead.
I cannot fish enough to feed everyone who comes to my place for one meal much less their entire life. I do more when I teach them how to fish for themselves, anywhere, any time. I need to slow down, really feel as I listen to the stories presented to me in each moment. Decide what feels good, real, comfortable and easy for me. Know that I honor another more, when I see them as capable, talented, and intelligent enough to help them find their ability within themselves to be the wonderful aspiring creative being in love with all of themselves. Help another to see themselves as capable of putting their best foot forward.
I have discovered in allowing myself to be drawn into the dramas, stories of hopeless plight, stuckedness and woe is me. I become stuck with another in the problem. Whereas if I see them as capable, aware, and magnificent creators, I help them to find their own solutions, teach them to fish, feed themselves, hopefully inspire them to teach others. I love understanding, sharing, coaching, teaching, and being my best self!