Monthly Archives: September 2012
I have a post it note attached on the bottom of my screen that states “I’ve done it, I Figured it out!” and since I stuck it there I am constantly figuring out the steps I have been missing, didn’t understand fully, or interpreted them wrong when I was learning whatever current thing I am having happening in my life that is not turning out the way I intended in my mind. This morning started out seeming exactly like that when I woke up found it had rained enough last night for water to be standing in all the places to handle, much less ride a horse. My next thought was “wow, sleep in past seven” so I texted my first lesson as I reconstructed the rest of my day off in my mind. Wondering if the threatening for more rain would affect my date later in the day to test drive the truck that has so held my attention for the last week or so.
Figured I would get the simpler things done and make a quick pot of coffee to take the chill off the damp cool morning. To turn on the tap and find no water pressure?? I then went to check outside in case the line to the horses might have ruptured or the outside faucet might have been left on. Nope, so I glance around to see if I can spot water running off or flowing from the ground not caused by the rain. Then glancing down the highway in either direction for signs of city maintenance working on the mainline or an undetected geyser in need of calling them about. I considered calling in case there was a problem out of my sight from up here on the hill, when I kept getting the nudge to check closer to the house. Trusting the feeling, I double checked the water puddles near the front gate, noting a larger amount there than in other areas. So I walked around to the side of the house to find my youngest dog (who is terrified of storms) cowering in his dog house. The water hose pulled within inches of his door, with the attached faucet leaning in his direction and water gurgling up readily from the now shattered connection.
First thoughts, parts, glue, tools and help, as I hollered at my youngest to assist, feed, and turn our horses out since with the rain all lessons are canceled. As he takes care of animals, I fully survey the damage and things needed. Finding a small digging trowel within inches of the sight, amused at the Universe’s help and add to that all needed items minus glue and cleaner. In digging up the area needed to do the repair I find my mind running with a lot of the thoughts as to why this is occurring today. Hearing the replies of “path of least resistance, crack of most allowing” from my Abraham cd’s knowing there is an answer to some question I ask all tied up in the fixing of this broken connection. Which will fix the flow of water to my house and the flow of abundance in my life. Allowing several different possible desires I have on my list wonderfully coming true as we head to the store for glue, coffee, and donuts.
I find myself in the store distracted by the choices of glues, the 4-H’s bake sale at the door, and the large buffet of men trolling the store this early on a Saturday morning, much like the article I had glanced at this last week. To find when I had gotten back home and was set up to put the pieces together…I had bought two types of cleaner and no glue. Which meant going back to the store,with more thoughts of what’s up in my mind as I get in my truck to be inundated in flies, they are everywhere, taking up the open invite with door left open on my truck to find a dry place out of the rain.
I think “okay, wrong items, all these flies, still no water”?? Then it occurs to me. Flies bug me; they distract me if I am not focused. When I went to the store I was trying to figure out why the water leak and I played with several possibilities, men, trucks, horse stuff, trying to “make” the pieces fit together. But it wasn’t till I had to completely take all of the cleaner off twice, trying to show my son how to do pvc repair, that I got it.
All of this was over my asking how to improve my ability to allow the things into my life, open up the flow of abundance in. I have the ability to be in the “zone” when I teach, train, or coach, most of the time. Yet I know it is possible to do it all of the time without giving up any parts of me to do it. And here, wonderfully provided by my question to the Universe it’s way to reply so that I can understand and apply it, was the answer.
Fully focus, so head-ups, idea in mind, the sensation of having it complete, easy, applicable, moving toward the goal, no matter the distractions, or things that try to bug us. It is this paying attention till the last detail is so comfortably in place we can do it without thinking, it’s like dancing, following the flow of the music, allowing our bodies to feel and move with the tune, the sensation…
Never felt this way before, never had feelings that were so strong
To impress, to show, yet instead being impressed upon
To become, to learn, to follow where my instincts flow
To listen and feel, there is so much more I long to know
Have loosed writings, long kept secrets in my mind
To another, so many paths and trails are all entwined
Watching, seeking, all these questions flow and sing
Reminding, teaching me, of the truths each moment brings
Having finally danced, like I always wished and did believe
With another, with who each step to intertwine and weave
Danced each moment, felt the magic that becomes
From matching footprints, where two sets of steps blend in to one.
Cat Friske 5-21-2012
I wrote this several years ago after waking from a dream, thinking it was telling me about the man that frequents my thoughts now and then. Just today I see and understand it differently. It to me means when I am fully connected to all of myself. What I am thinking, why I desire it, and how it will feel when it is done. I love my busted water pipe, for giving me the answer to finding and staying in my zone question. I love the scared dog, for allowing me to recognize my own fears of being in trouble from approaching storms of questions, not knowing how to get away from them, and terrified of being in trouble for not knowing all the answers. Life is awareness, focus, feeling. allowing guidance (God-U-I-DANCE)…manifested!
The last few days as I have been allowing my awareness to take me where it will… I felt this pull to pay attention and found myself to be suddenly guided to the tiny patch of purple flowers just inches away from the watering bucket for horses that have just finished working. Fascinated that just days before I had pointed these same little flowers to one of my clients out on a ride down the road, telling her how beautiful they were and how they always show up in my pasture days after a good rain. Loving the fact that here they were in plain sight for me to marvel at these small flowers are about ¼ inch when in full bloom (they are to my knowledge a member of moss roses, a succulent type plant). Easily transplanted, love any spot of dirt and water, to become wonderful colorful ground cover, which today I discovered if it is too early or late in the day one would miss viewing the flowers completely as they have a certain sunlight, temperature or amount of exposure, before offering up there wondrous little purple blooms.
So imagine my delight to find these tiny darlings growing in abundance all over the rest of my pasture when I took the time to actually see each place where I was requesting the horse to step as I elongated or shortened their stride in finding the right way to ask or suggest the next move in our dance of togetherness. Thrilled with both my connection with the horse and the Universe as I know how easy these little delights are to transplant, of course which I did after I finished my last ride of the morning, as I was so appreciative of the new view they had given me in their showing up and becoming awesome on such constantly trod upon ground. Right there blooming purple and pretty in plain sight for me to find.
Much like my youngest spotting the kitchen stool that came apart at the welds which I had put aside so no one would try to sit on till it could be fixed. His suggesting to load it up and take to school for a project to repair for me in class, allowing him getting a grade, honing his welding ability, and helping me out by fixing the stool. I was so appreciative this morning that we swung by the donut place on the way into work. Suddenly seeing so very many of the minute details of my life in a much larger way, as I felt his energy expand in fascination at being rewarded so easily over something to him that he wanted to do out of the pure sense of discovery in this new field of endeavor that allows him to expand his curiosity, so under estimating the gift to me.
I love my life! Weeds to another in a field of grazing becoming tiny flowers of purple beauty for me to truly see them at the perfect moment of the unfolding of their blossoms, a perfect mirror of my son’s awareness that such a small offering of repair would benefit all involved in the details of its return to usefulness. My desire to understand the energy flow of my life and how to get it to open up, wonderfully allowing me to feel and find the ability to focus on the littlest details in slowing down, truly being enthralled in the smallest point of pure admiration and reflection, I so love being in the moment. I am a weed! I can grow anywhere I am at without any others attention as the Universe provides me the smallest opportunity, I expand to my fullest potential in love with myself and my right to be fully, completely, uniquely ME!
Now that I have figured out that maybe I should be listening to these voices (thoughts) that seem to occupy my mind when I am not fully focused in the moment. Which I have found for me that equates fully engaged with all of my focus and my feelings allowing me to flow in perfect harmony with what I am doing. If I am not comfortable with how I am preceding… the voices start, though now I pay attention to what the thoughts feel like, where the belief might have come from, and whose idea was it any way. Having the memory surface from some self-help book about how this writer had a messy desk and was told “A cluttered desk makes for a cluttered mind” so he researched till he found someone famous who thought otherwise and had the success to back it up, Winston Churchill who said “An empty desk is an empty mind”. The perfect thought to allow me to continue with making friends with my thoughts and changing each one that feels uncomfortable. I now know that an old thought/belief can be no longer valid for me.
To then catch the sound of song playing in my head most of today “Slow down you move to fast, got to make the moment last”. Fascinated I listened, discovering my whole self-felt good about the tune and the words, so I decided to go with the directions. Slowing down when I felt tight or in a hurry, really looking at the situations first. Having a few horses freeze framing, stopping to suddenly pull their head up, to try and look at something that had caught their interest, which it took me until the third horse before I got the message of I tend to allow others to walk up with their affairs, allow them to change the subject so that I will forget where or what I am doing so I am then available for their wishes.
The same thing in a different format where several of the horses were pulling so hard, not wanting to give, literally trying to drag me forward with their heads or dancing sideways in an attempt to get me off balance so they would be able to quit moving, stretching, exercising, and just stand there stuck in their old body frame of discomfort. Instead of allowing me to assit them through the first few steps of therapy till the ease of release arrives. All this acting up like suddenly they so need me, that when I check with my gut, it’s just a song and dance that I attract of “give all of yourself to me I am more important than you are so will you please do this for me, you’re so much better than I am at it” My son with his last ditch attempt to avoid the chores because of school and football, when the song started playing again in my head this evening.
About the time I started to say something after a whole hour of his promising to go get done before it got dark. I heard this voice of reasoning that just because I was getting him to do it by using the phrase “You got to learn to earn” maybe I should notice how it felt. I shuddered it was an awful way to view life. I knew where the beliefs came from growing up with “think money grows on trees, you got to work for it, and nobody gets anything for nothing”. When the thought of why can’t it just be given to you, flowed through my head.
My mind working hard for an example to make some kind of sense of that unexpected thought. Then I felt the memory of the “leave a penny, need a penny” on most store check-out counters. The odd times when someone would offer the change needed to keep from breaking a five or ten. The times when someone would open a door just to be nice, suddenly aware of all of this is just exchanges of energy. Which somehow has been learned as instructions of drudgery, work, toil, struggle, have to’s and or else’s. I felt this big sigh of relief as I became aware of I have only allowed a little of the energy of ease about money in. Because I had so bought into I had to work for every little thing. I now find myself trying unsuccessfully to teach it to my son, but it doesn’t feel right, not yet. But I will figure out a way to get this energy exchange to make more sense in my head so I can feel good about actually living the way. Then I can share it with him and others. Now it’s just in the awareness stage, but that is such a step in the right direction
Ding Dong the nag is dead
Which old nag?
The one in my head
Ding dong the wicked nag is dead
I could write for hours with the understanding that is now flooding all through me. I have spent the last few days feeling around for her… this nag that has forever lived in my head. Taunting me, critiquing me, confusing me, controlling me, always full of all of these opinions about what I am doing, what I am about to be doing, what is right or wrong for me… this constant self-sabotaging dialogue that until Wednesday. Has always been there, just more of a consistent high pitched sound, going on in the background, with an opinion against and toward almost everything I did. A voice for all of the hundreds, probably thousands of people that have crossed my path in my life time, in person, on tv, in films, in books, concerts, wherever I have connected with anyone’s ideas/beliefs of life, that I perceived to be directed in telling me who, how, and why I should be.
That I, being the great student that I am, have tried to emulate, make proud, please, and agree with. All in the understood part of having to fit in to life, not living it as just me, because somewhere, somehow I was taught that being different, standing out, having fun just being me… was unacceptable.
I could go back and tell the stories of the places of conflict that I tried to be me, but gave in under the pressure of my understanding in that moment. I have spent years telling some of those same stories at one time for understanding from others. Then for helping another to know they were not alone. Then the years of re-telling them to others for help, many times listening as the story kept evolving as I found other ways to view myself and the other people involved in the story at the time. Always on this quest to find the pieces of myself that were so out of whack, so wrong, so awful, so whatever to cause me to continue to attract more situations that still mirrored the originals. Sometimes the scenes were worse, sometimes the same, and thankfully a lot of times totally different, even with positive results, these last ones were the ones that kept me going. Seeking, looking, struggling, enduring, desiring that feeling of being positive, comfortable, and loved, completely for just me, enjoying a moment.
Joy, excitement, change for the better, improvement, freedom, fun, pleasure, enjoyment and success, like little glistening drops of gold dust sprinkled on my path of life, enticing me to come this way, follow this trail, find a way to gather this powder up and put it all together. It is your life calling. You can do this…
Ahh Wednesday, I am driving, in my zone aware of the tiny twinkling sounds that become loud in my head when something important is near for me to notice. And I start seeing these signs, small, white, arrows tied with a ribbon on one end and a daisy on the point with the word Wedding showing the direction further on down the highway in the direction I am going at 60 mph. These little signs appear every half a mile and my mind goes back to all of the wedding stories, signs, and indications I have noticed in the last few weeks. Which since I am not currently dating, or even seeing someone. My first thought is maybe he’s coming, about to show up. Till I get to about the 10th one, when suddenly a scene from my past pops into my head. I am 21, about to get married for the first time. Talking to my mother about my wedding dress, listening to her tell me how I cannot wear white, because I got pregnant and even though the I lost the baby, God would know and white is for virgins… Suddenly the realization hits me. She did not do that to be mean, my mother truly loved me, she was just following what she had been taught, how she understood life was, and I was just being a good daughter. Agreeing to something, that I now realize is still important to me. When I get married this next time…It will be in, how, when, where, why, and with whatever things I chose at that moment.
Just in the awareness of that memory, the rest of the day became this hear, listening, awareness spectacular, coming to full awakening, suddenly totally conscious of the once subliminal voice inside my head. As I was getting ready for a client later in the day and I was riding her horse, I heard this nasty, nagging, bitchy, mean, derogatory dialogue going on in the back of my mind. It was a soft drone at first, till I truly heard it, as it began trying to tear apart all of the work I had done with the horse I was on. It tried to influence me first with comparisons of how far along I “should be”, what they might be expecting, how disappointed in my abilities they were going to be…
When suddenly I became aware of the voice belonging to all of the people I had allowed to take up permanent status of personal critics inside my own head. I actually stopped and laughed. They were right there, have been there all along, all of the beliefs, ideas, and critiquing raging in my mind that I had allowed to control, run, and command my life as I carried them right up close inside the hotel of residence inside my head. I just listened for a little while longer, kind of fascinated at finding this “nag”, this nasty bitch. This evil, mean, rotten, horrible… but then I caught myself, I was about to beat up on this voice of memory that had been there because I created it.
I thought about the horse I was on, how big, mean and nasty she had been at the beginning, only because she was spoiled rotten and was afraid that by giving up her status she would then be the bottom rung, the low man on the pole. I realized that just like with her, I needed to befriend the voice. Understand that like her the voice wasn’t really mean, just scared, just needing to find a way to be okay no matter who are what the surroundings were. So I started recognizing the voice from people in my past, ones who I knew were doing the best they could at the time, and sent them back love, understanding and appreciation for helping me to see how they have been there talking to me. Albeit in an undesirable way, but since they were there in my mind from how I remembered and created them, why not turn them into my personal cheerleaders. Turn the voices around, get them to work with me. I created the nag, I can now create the “voices of support”
This morning when I awoke I discovered I had slept all over my bed, the blankets were in disarray, my other pillow and stuffed animal on the floor. I who sleep in one spot, on one side of this huge king size bed, had used, owned, relished, and expanded to my full height, feeling, and glory in reveling in every inch of my comfortable, soft, lushes blankets, on my pillow top mattress. I felt incredible, as I realized the reason I have such a huge library of books. An entire shelf of self-help books that I suddenly understand what every one of those books have been trying to get “me” to understand and realize. All of the help I have ever needed or desired has always been inside of me, nagging at me to listen to the voices, befriend myself. Be aware of the wondrous gift God gave me of my body, to feel for the sensations of good, unsure, or bad that are indications of what is right for ME. The nag is dead, reborn now as I realize I love her, because I know she is Me!
All of the rest of my library, movies, observations, influences, outside suggestions and ideas are here for me to select and choose what it is I need and feels right for me at this moment. To use as is, adjust to fit me, save for a later idea, expand upon, stop reading, turn the page, choose again. Whatever it takes to find and feel the good in each moment. I now can coach others to finding out how to be their best selves…as I now truly know and understand what that means!
I knew I could figure this out, I knew it, I felt it, I so knew I could. As I have been busily thinking, investigating and scouring the internet for a different answer to a very old piece of information that made its way to my email yesterday from a blog I follow. I was reading along, actually rather enjoying the information until I ran smack up against a sentence that every part of me refused to buy into or believe. For somehow in the very core of me with all of this digging I had unearthed my full connection to “What Is Right For Me” and my insides were begging me to go look elsewhere, to find either tons of views that sided with it. That it could probably be watered down retained information from whence I first heard it, this present source might not have the availability to get past what they were taught, or the big possibility it does not hold true for everyone, which would include me. Either way my inner self literally offered up the thoughts “You’re not the boss of me, oh yeah, hide and watch I can do this in a whole other fashion and still be okay”.
Being then greeted with success within minutes of figuring out the correct query to type into the search bar. Which gladly gave me a plethora of choices, some which were the same, a whole lot of other choices and one that so connected with fitting me. I was so impressed with the personal connection to my inner self. I finished the last of my 5 steeds for the day ready and willing to take on all comers. Experiencing a comfortable evening, with my youngest fixing supper, then cleaning up and even sharing the last of the ice cream with me, as we settled in for a movie before bed that included circumstances of conflict, the two extremes of someone in a dilemma and finally the balance of comfortable conclusion.
To awaken up this morning with the feeling of all of those pieces floating around in my head, waiting to be re-wove into the new directional fabric of my life. So I allowed the thoughts to filter through my head as I watched my client finally get the total feel of connection with her horse after being gone for a week, and carefully, slowly, step by step finding the same connections with my little mare first. When she got off gleaming from such a wonderful flowing ride with her own, I knew I was truly close to matching her with the dance of my life. As I thought of what it was I so desired and yet kept eluding me, being right there just one step ahead. To find myself feeling back to the last week of riding her horse while she was gone on a trip and I was in charge of more tuning with her mare.
Aware of having to first figure out what it was the horse still needed to make a better connection. I know I slowed every step down, to examine by feel how the horse is intuiting what it is I am asking, and knowing by her response what it is I need to change. I know the mare really relied on me feeling comfortable, confident, secure and able to assist her figuring each step out. She relied on my focus, my feelings and my energy, easily getting what I asked as I remained focused on all three steps. And then the light bulb went on in my head.
That’s what manifesting is! Its focusing with energy, aware of what it is one wants, what it feels like to have it, and having all of those pieces in sync at one time for a solid section of thought till one can actually feel that moment as now. It’s why I now know I get so irritated when I allow another to distract me, that irritation only comes if I am not fully focused, with both feelings and thoughts. I can now understand how to appreciate distractions as they only occur if both pieces are not fully engaged. That form of engagement to me is “Being in the zone of what is right for all of me!” Which I now fully give myself permission to have, whenever and however I want to imagine, feel, and focus on. Happy dance, Happy dance, Happy dance!!
All the pieces, little, big, small, short, tall, just different in some form or fashion are sorted, unraveled, and kind of organized quietly here in my mind. Years of remembering’s of other stories and understandings that were held sacred because of what I was taught and expected to believe, whether I succeeded or not. Now lay bare to be exposed to this new light of examination reflected to me in the kaleidoscope of mirrored impressions of the exact moment, in whatever frame of mind I was in that captured it to my memory. Noticing now all of the intertwined, configurations of the OPO (other people’s opinions) that so twisted me into the confused person, so lost without the confidence of any belief or idea of what was truly good, important or right for me.
This morning found me up early, from several dreams all with the same themes. They would find me driving down a road, on the wrong side of the vehicle, with passengers whose looks were askance to my sanity as I would suddenly just leave the road, to appear to be driving wildly off the path going off the hill. Just as it would seem to be certain doom, an unimagined trail would just open up to the right for us to continue on, as the scene of some unforeseen dilemma would be seen there lying in the road that my trusted intuition guided me around safely. After what seemed the third such miss, I awoke knowing I was beginning to communicate, listen, understand and finally “trust” myself.
It feels safe now to play with games, stories, puzzles, and all the tools I have found inside of me. With the biggest key or corner stone revealed, now carefully put into place. The thread of trusting myself, knowing it is okay to acknowledge and follow the day to day guidance of simply going with if it feels good, then do it. If not don’t, and if I feel myself undecided… then wait, the answer will get stronger one way or another. As I explained to my friend today, it all comes down to just like shuffling cards, if you turn up the wrong one, don’t throw it away, just add it do the discard pile. Turn the stack over, re-shuffle, and it might be in the right place for the next hand, if not just start a new game.
Trust my uniqueness to be me, to be able to follow feelings, the ones of good, bad or of uncertainty aswe always have the time of right now to choose. To wait to feel okay, to know the feeling of certainty, to wait till the seed cracks the hull open for the first smidgen of the plant to emerge. To know what we feel and honor it. To touch our skin is to feel in an external way, to feel and touch our life is to breathe, to touch all of our heart we must trust ourselves, listening to the voice in our head that feels, knows, intuits and cares about our connection… we are loved by Spirit who created each of us in our own perfect individual amazing distinct differences…
I can see it everywhere around me, even now as I type when my program on the computer is not in agreement with what I have just written as it either auto corrects me, or underlines in bright red what it does not think is right. It corrects me according to the standards for its program, that was developed along the lines of the given understood rules for this particular language. Which sometimes ticks me off when it does it and I see it out of the corner of my eye to go back, correct by re-reading, because it does make sense, study on it to find out why it is disagreeing or hit the ignore suggestion when I am totally confident in what I have just written. It’s not the boss of me!
Kind of like the incident last night with my still work in progress youngest, who I have discovered has taken to discarding his trash behind the couch instead of walking into the other room to put it in the container. Definitely miffed at first as I was gathering it up to discard, when I felt the ideas of retaliation, punishment, threats, all bubbling up inside, highly aware of how uncomfortable and wrong each one felt. Though I sensed there was more to this than a display of will power, sneakiness, the feeling of wrongness to my sense of living. As I took the now partially full Wal-Mart baggie and left it lying in the now exposed space with the couch pulled out away from the wall.
I felt the frustration of how dare he say one thing and then do another! As the words came out of my mouth I felt the lying, the distrust, the lack of honesty catch me fully in my face over all of the times I have said things I never followed up on. How many times I made threats that were sort of meant to motivate, hint, and be the fire to get or force what was desired done. Felt the imbalance of saying one thing and doing another so obvious now in my own actions, he was just mirroring me back for me to see and deal with.
Now aware of the thought “actions speak louder than words” as I let the last few days of consequences fully spelled out to him and not acted upon. Always knowing I would at some time or other probably “have to put up or shut up”. Deciding now was the time if I truly want the changes I so feel inside to be the stepping stone to more honest communications. By making the first move, honoring my words to him.
Aware of his expecting pizza last night when he came home for I had told him I was going to stop for some with the price wars going on with the new store in town. Aware of me being the money earner, knowing my getting home first left me to set up the scenario for the messes cleaned and accomplished before he could touch the food. Sensing him as he walked in to find the upside down chair, I heard him make a quick sweep of the one room the sound of the sack in the trash can, to then try to reach across me for his part of the pizza. I re-explained the rules from Monday, “all chores done my way or better, equaled the extras of take-out and desserts”. A quick “No” followed by “I didn’t mean that” then a son who went back and completely cleaned three rooms, floors, counter tops, and trash. With no begging for computer use or any of the one dessert I had also brought home.
Today’s response from the Universe is reflected in the solid rain from last night, a fully flooded round pen that I carefully considered the angle to place an opening for drainage, as to alleviate the water and not carry off all of my good dirt. Finding several tools left out, jobs not finished, and things being torn up by neglectful handling. Knowing in the ease of flow from the pen with carefully thought through and intentionally directed digging, my pen was still level with drying out sand. I can redirect my son by still having my Friday night take out of Thai food and just go by the store for his peanut butter, jelly and milk.
I do my work to the best of my ability and take care of the equipment used allowing a discovered raise in my pay check today. I can spend my money any way that I please, I earned it, I do all of my work, fully satisfied with the results. He doesn’t, he can do with the bare essentials till he figures out how to find his own balance, style and techniques to earn payments, bonuses, and raises. Step by single solitary thought for the what feels good next step at a time!
Spent the last two days dissecting the little pieces I can feel beckoning me to wait, feel, there is so much more to this item you have uncovered. There is another view, it is just moments away if you will wait it might now unveil itself to you… So I rode, drove my route, fixed a meal, and played a few games, knowing there was something in the last bit of detective work which led to my son’s attitude and health improvement, that as I went out to check on the water running in one of the horse troughs. I spy the horse in the pen next to the one being watered, on her knees with her lips stretched out as far as possible as she reached over to pull the hose out and onto the ground.
“Aargh, leave it alone, I am not supposed to be all of yours babysitter. And as the words poured out of my mouth I felt the nudge, knew I had just stumbled onto another twisted knot. I felt instinctively the all alert, knew it was the right word and thought, of the answer that had been barely there in my foreground. I now knew why I have been attracting so many of the clients that I love it when it’s fun. But so dread when I have to clean up the mess that comes from inexperienced riders, who have lost interest in the lesson and suddenly become demanding prima donna’s (brats).
I could feel so many years worth of training taking care of my little sister, cause she was little. My older sisters when we went out, cause I was the tom boy, bigger, stronger and so uninterested in who was interested in them. (I would stand my ground and basically run the guys off for being mean). My original clientele were the ones everyone else had given up on or didn’t think they had the chance. Causing me to develop a base of clients whose parents sent their kids with me. Yes we had fun, yes they won, yes others copied many of my techniques. I was well known for doing the impossible with nothing.
Yet now in dealing with my youngest son, and the change of clients this summer, I am aware of the habits trained into me to take care of another far and above myself. I feel the old babysitter, mom mentality… take care of the kids, the helpless, and the brats. Straighten up the messes, give pushes of encouragement, applaud when they win, wipe their tears when they cry, and then wait your turn to be noticed or paid.
You’re just a girl, you’ll get your turn, hold your head up, let them borrow yours, and the biggest of all… some horse goes careening out of control while everyone stands, screams, cries and does nothing. Step out there, get a hold of the reins, get both back under control, talking sanity into a terrified human, quieting a frightened horse, and stopping the angry parent. The thanks and pat on the backs came later. It’s just that funny thing in looking at it now, feeling through the entire re-play of many parts of my career as a trainer how many times I had no real say when others quit or walked away if it went wrong. It was just my job to fix it, make it better, and clean up all of the crap. Much like a babysitter or nanny, taught to follow the rules clean up the mess and your fired if you talk back.
Suddenly I hear my insides cheering, they are standing up on the top of the bleaches, screaming at me to notice. “I am a Coach, a life changer, I can fire students, I can change my mind, I can do whatever I choose to” I feel the entire difference settling in. The old habits laid a foundation on very shifting sand. There is some good in all of it. It is just now my choice to go through the pieces that are remaining and rebuild on this stronger, more intuitive me that has just been freed with all of this excavation…
This morning I rode five head of horses, each one individually at their own speed, at their level of ability, in the manner that worked for their own unique individuality. With quiet, careful, easy, whispers and touches. Asking, listening, waiting and feeling for each response. Knowing my heart has opened wider as I have found more loosely scrambled threads, once stuffed in the corner of not enoughness, to now become rewoven into the broad banner of my new understanding of life, here south of San Antonio as a soft, much needed drizzle covers the ground.
“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”
Jose N. Harris – A Story of Faith, Hope and Love
Was almost finished writing last night when my youngest informed me as he was back-seat reading, that “he is not as bad as my writing indicates” cough, hack, wheeze, as he began to try to complain about his sore throat, tonsils bothering him and how awful… I cut him off with a wave of my hand as I reached for my Louise Hay book on Heal Your Body. He gave me this look and told me the symptoms in the book as I read out “swallowed anger, stifle creativity”, were my fault. Then have him tell me he was mad cause of me wanting to change and I was stifling him. I grinned and kept on typing, then posted and went to bed.
To be greeted by thoughts of that conversation first thing this morning as it dawned on me, he is “sore” at me for saying no and refusing to listen to his extremely creative arguments. The next thing I noted was in his sudden sense of being sick, I did nothing. I would have in the past tried to remedy his miseries with “mom” care, now recognizing how easily that same scenario fits into the rescue someone else, get sick with them so we can commiserate in company. I realize I cannot get sick enough to help a sick person get well (thank you Abraham) and this is definitely and old habit well worth giving up.
I continued on with my morning considering how I could get the rest of the pieces to come together with my financial improvements… ways to bring in more money, faster. When this phrase popped up in my head from one of Richard Bach’s books “the Is has imagined it much better than this”. Hearing it in my head brought me up short, because I knew it was true. I could feel myself struggling to visualize any kind of progress, so I just let it all go and went to ride.
My best part of today was having fun playing with Charlie. Charlie is my crown prince of horses. He can untie most anything, faster than you tied it, and all you have to do, is turn your back. Turn back around and he is usually standing there with the lead rope in his mouth, or if you are not fast enough, busily unlatching and opening another horse’s pen. Considering my need of distraction he wonderfully took full initiative. Dancing around the round pen, matching me step for step, trying to show his total athleticism, by dodging hard left, turn, parry, thrust, rear, dart and swirl. Using every muscle in his body to show me how fantastic and capable he was. How wonderful he is to own and how good I have to be to match him in his playing on the ground.
Amused after I finished with him, I thought again about another way of dealing with my youngest doing things “my way” to have the “Is” phrase pop up again, almost like it was whispered in my ear. I realize I have loosened something, I have this feeling of words of guidance easily summoned now when I feel tense, or unsure. I know I have let something go as I walk into write, I note the internet is down. I figure supper first, pork chops, fried, but oh to make such a mess, then feel the niggling “the Is has better ideas”. I grab my phone key in the pork chop thought that follows, and up comes a way I had never considered, tickled I have all of the ingredients. A short 20 minutes later, one skillet covered in foil, oven fried pork chops, sweet potatoes and corn on the cob. Both of them via the micro wave, to find us both full, satisfied and lots of creative additions to the recipe for next time.
I came in to write to find the internet is back up, so I check my mail, open only the ones that draw and hold my attention. Start writing, aware I am comfortable as the words just flow, aware that I really do create what goes on around me by what I put my attention to. Totally in love with this attracting more of what I do want, by learning to really focus on what feels good. Listening and waiting for my body when there are indications of coloring outside of the lines by the feelings that feel just a little off.
Pleased that my son is now doing more and more without me really doing anything big or drastic, just focusing on what he does right, paying him and myself honestly for our best efforts. Funny thing in deciding as seeing him as healthy, okay and capable after last night…that is exactly how he was this morning and right now as he headed off to bed. Hee hee, this is so much fun!