Truth or Consequences
A unique 48 hours living with the feeling that I have been somehow still separated from all of me. So like many other things in my life I have been paying attention, looking around at the circumstances and allowing life to show me the mirror of my inner conflict. Which has caused an interesting stream of information to cover my buffet of life, much of this bringing up feelings, stories and situation I had been so extremely sure I had dealt with and laid them to rest till last night’s freshmen football game and the introduction to a new interested male into my life.
My horses as per usual keying me into different faucets of the scenarios before they actually came about, starting with the typical interest of another via an old internet dating site I occasionally decide to peruse. When I do, allows my ad to evidently become more current to catch the eye of the newest seekers, shown by interesting mail in my email folder, to where I went on line, read their profile, aware of the groan in my gut, and then answered it anyway. As several other things were of interest, and flirting is fun, so I sent off a quick reply. Then spent the next few hours in this place of unknown fear, as all of the hidden concerns about where I am currently at in my life, and how that might appear to another reached out and got my full attention. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and fascinated there was this much reaction to a simple query, but there it was. So I waited, felt, fretted, then talked myself into sanity of the fact that I can only deal with something when I know it exists. So I did with a few simple emails, each time checking with myself, with each word I typed, then I would send, receive and process each step accordingly.
Which led to last night’s first home game for my youngest son’s freshmen team and an interesting meeting with my older sister. We were catching up on the summer, and the her last class reunion as she told the story of one of her friend’s and how she was finally, officially, out in the open, dating the guy that everyone knew she had a thing for (evidently in my sister’s circle) so was now seeing. My entire system jumping to full alert, my mind going back to my life in high school and college, over the two guys I had such great friendship, love and admiration for…yet they did not fit my parents standards, curriculum and goals for me. So I walked away, did otherwise, always surprised when either’s picture shows up and the intense desire to know “What if?” now almost 40 years later.
So imagine my complete surprise to find one of them in my dreams, telling me he is in Mexico, he has been just now able to decide to find me, but has been kept away because he is so many things not on the list of the “right guy”. I woke up sort of puzzled as to why now, I have not dreamed of him so specifically, ever to my recollection. I went about today wondering what gives. To have several circumstances with the horses being wishy washy, finally getting them and the rider on trakc. Have several items owed for, but I do what’s right, allowing the one to pay to walk away and not ask for services rendered today. I know they will be back tomorrow, I just am so uncomfortable asking for my money, right now, today. I take this feeling of inadequacy back with me to drive, thinking and feeling for resolution…but nothing.
I come home and start looking for something to distract me, anything else other than worry for the answer which is not yet coming. Finally two internet games later, I find a game that is fast, different, and intriguing enough to fully engage my mind. I allow the answers to appear; How can another give to me if I cannot and will not give to myself. I have not allowed myself to explore the venue of relationships with another in almost three years. Because I have been successfully attracting those that fit a totally made up list over what sounded good. Based on height, occupation, mustaches, physique and the like…none of it really deep down true or what truly matters.
It’s all based on outside perception. Not a sense of feeling, the ability to know, the snapping to of my intuition to full attention, as all of my senses become aware. My very being knowing him, this long time easy feeling of friendship, this person who gets me, and I him. I do know the feeling. I have managed to do an entirely fantastic job of turning off each and every faucet that would allow me to function as all of me in this respect. I have separated myself from my biggest fan, lover, and friend…ME! I so apologize to myself for thinking I owed it to anyone to be untrue and disloyal to the most important being any one of us has the glory to know, honor and love.
Batten down the hatches, full speed ahead… I am allowing and honoring my right to have whatever and whoever it is I damn well please! 😀
Posted on September 8, 2012, in Life, Love, Self Love and tagged Allowing, Attention, Awareness, Body-talk, Change, Confidence, Courage, dreaming, Exceptance, Honesty, Learning, Listening, long-ago’s, Love, Permission, Reflecting, Self Love, Self-discovery, Time, Uniqueness. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.