Babysitting, Mothering, Tending or ….
Spent the last two days dissecting the little pieces I can feel beckoning me to wait, feel, there is so much more to this item you have uncovered. There is another view, it is just moments away if you will wait it might now unveil itself to you… So I rode, drove my route, fixed a meal, and played a few games, knowing there was something in the last bit of detective work which led to my son’s attitude and health improvement, that as I went out to check on the water running in one of the horse troughs. I spy the horse in the pen next to the one being watered, on her knees with her lips stretched out as far as possible as she reached over to pull the hose out and onto the ground.
“Aargh, leave it alone, I am not supposed to be all of yours babysitter. And as the words poured out of my mouth I felt the nudge, knew I had just stumbled onto another twisted knot. I felt instinctively the all alert, knew it was the right word and thought, of the answer that had been barely there in my foreground. I now knew why I have been attracting so many of the clients that I love it when it’s fun. But so dread when I have to clean up the mess that comes from inexperienced riders, who have lost interest in the lesson and suddenly become demanding prima donna’s (brats).
I could feel so many years worth of training taking care of my little sister, cause she was little. My older sisters when we went out, cause I was the tom boy, bigger, stronger and so uninterested in who was interested in them. (I would stand my ground and basically run the guys off for being mean). My original clientele were the ones everyone else had given up on or didn’t think they had the chance. Causing me to develop a base of clients whose parents sent their kids with me. Yes we had fun, yes they won, yes others copied many of my techniques. I was well known for doing the impossible with nothing.
Yet now in dealing with my youngest son, and the change of clients this summer, I am aware of the habits trained into me to take care of another far and above myself. I feel the old babysitter, mom mentality… take care of the kids, the helpless, and the brats. Straighten up the messes, give pushes of encouragement, applaud when they win, wipe their tears when they cry, and then wait your turn to be noticed or paid.
You’re just a girl, you’ll get your turn, hold your head up, let them borrow yours, and the biggest of all… some horse goes careening out of control while everyone stands, screams, cries and does nothing. Step out there, get a hold of the reins, get both back under control, talking sanity into a terrified human, quieting a frightened horse, and stopping the angry parent. The thanks and pat on the backs came later. It’s just that funny thing in looking at it now, feeling through the entire re-play of many parts of my career as a trainer how many times I had no real say when others quit or walked away if it went wrong. It was just my job to fix it, make it better, and clean up all of the crap. Much like a babysitter or nanny, taught to follow the rules clean up the mess and your fired if you talk back.
Suddenly I hear my insides cheering, they are standing up on the top of the bleaches, screaming at me to notice. “I am a Coach, a life changer, I can fire students, I can change my mind, I can do whatever I choose to” I feel the entire difference settling in. The old habits laid a foundation on very shifting sand. There is some good in all of it. It is just now my choice to go through the pieces that are remaining and rebuild on this stronger, more intuitive me that has just been freed with all of this excavation…
This morning I rode five head of horses, each one individually at their own speed, at their level of ability, in the manner that worked for their own unique individuality. With quiet, careful, easy, whispers and touches. Asking, listening, waiting and feeling for each response. Knowing my heart has opened wider as I have found more loosely scrambled threads, once stuffed in the corner of not enoughness, to now become rewoven into the broad banner of my new understanding of life, here south of San Antonio as a soft, much needed drizzle covers the ground.