I can see it everywhere around me, even now as I type when my program on the computer is not in agreement with what I have just written as it either auto corrects me, or underlines in bright red what it does not think is right. It corrects me according to the standards for its program, that was developed along the lines of the given understood rules for this particular language. Which sometimes ticks me off when it does it and I see it out of the corner of my eye to go back, correct by re-reading, because it does make sense, study on it to find out why it is disagreeing or hit the ignore suggestion when I am totally confident in what I have just written. It’s not the boss of me!
Kind of like the incident last night with my still work in progress youngest, who I have discovered has taken to discarding his trash behind the couch instead of walking into the other room to put it in the container. Definitely miffed at first as I was gathering it up to discard, when I felt the ideas of retaliation, punishment, threats, all bubbling up inside, highly aware of how uncomfortable and wrong each one felt. Though I sensed there was more to this than a display of will power, sneakiness, the feeling of wrongness to my sense of living. As I took the now partially full Wal-Mart baggie and left it lying in the now exposed space with the couch pulled out away from the wall.
I felt the frustration of how dare he say one thing and then do another! As the words came out of my mouth I felt the lying, the distrust, the lack of honesty catch me fully in my face over all of the times I have said things I never followed up on. How many times I made threats that were sort of meant to motivate, hint, and be the fire to get or force what was desired done. Felt the imbalance of saying one thing and doing another so obvious now in my own actions, he was just mirroring me back for me to see and deal with.
Now aware of the thought “actions speak louder than words” as I let the last few days of consequences fully spelled out to him and not acted upon. Always knowing I would at some time or other probably “have to put up or shut up”. Deciding now was the time if I truly want the changes I so feel inside to be the stepping stone to more honest communications. By making the first move, honoring my words to him.
Aware of his expecting pizza last night when he came home for I had told him I was going to stop for some with the price wars going on with the new store in town. Aware of me being the money earner, knowing my getting home first left me to set up the scenario for the messes cleaned and accomplished before he could touch the food. Sensing him as he walked in to find the upside down chair, I heard him make a quick sweep of the one room the sound of the sack in the trash can, to then try to reach across me for his part of the pizza. I re-explained the rules from Monday, “all chores done my way or better, equaled the extras of take-out and desserts”. A quick “No” followed by “I didn’t mean that” then a son who went back and completely cleaned three rooms, floors, counter tops, and trash. With no begging for computer use or any of the one dessert I had also brought home.
Today’s response from the Universe is reflected in the solid rain from last night, a fully flooded round pen that I carefully considered the angle to place an opening for drainage, as to alleviate the water and not carry off all of my good dirt. Finding several tools left out, jobs not finished, and things being torn up by neglectful handling. Knowing in the ease of flow from the pen with carefully thought through and intentionally directed digging, my pen was still level with drying out sand. I can redirect my son by still having my Friday night take out of Thai food and just go by the store for his peanut butter, jelly and milk.
I do my work to the best of my ability and take care of the equipment used allowing a discovered raise in my pay check today. I can spend my money any way that I please, I earned it, I do all of my work, fully satisfied with the results. He doesn’t, he can do with the bare essentials till he figures out how to find his own balance, style and techniques to earn payments, bonuses, and raises. Step by single solitary thought for the what feels good next step at a time!