Ding Dong the Nag is Dead…
Ding Dong the nag is dead
Which old nag?
The one in my head
Ding dong the wicked nag is dead
I could write for hours with the understanding that is now flooding all through me. I have spent the last few days feeling around for her… this nag that has forever lived in my head. Taunting me, critiquing me, confusing me, controlling me, always full of all of these opinions about what I am doing, what I am about to be doing, what is right or wrong for me… this constant self-sabotaging dialogue that until Wednesday. Has always been there, just more of a consistent high pitched sound, going on in the background, with an opinion against and toward almost everything I did. A voice for all of the hundreds, probably thousands of people that have crossed my path in my life time, in person, on tv, in films, in books, concerts, wherever I have connected with anyone’s ideas/beliefs of life, that I perceived to be directed in telling me who, how, and why I should be.
That I, being the great student that I am, have tried to emulate, make proud, please, and agree with. All in the understood part of having to fit in to life, not living it as just me, because somewhere, somehow I was taught that being different, standing out, having fun just being me… was unacceptable.
I could go back and tell the stories of the places of conflict that I tried to be me, but gave in under the pressure of my understanding in that moment. I have spent years telling some of those same stories at one time for understanding from others. Then for helping another to know they were not alone. Then the years of re-telling them to others for help, many times listening as the story kept evolving as I found other ways to view myself and the other people involved in the story at the time. Always on this quest to find the pieces of myself that were so out of whack, so wrong, so awful, so whatever to cause me to continue to attract more situations that still mirrored the originals. Sometimes the scenes were worse, sometimes the same, and thankfully a lot of times totally different, even with positive results, these last ones were the ones that kept me going. Seeking, looking, struggling, enduring, desiring that feeling of being positive, comfortable, and loved, completely for just me, enjoying a moment.
Joy, excitement, change for the better, improvement, freedom, fun, pleasure, enjoyment and success, like little glistening drops of gold dust sprinkled on my path of life, enticing me to come this way, follow this trail, find a way to gather this powder up and put it all together. It is your life calling. You can do this…
Ahh Wednesday, I am driving, in my zone aware of the tiny twinkling sounds that become loud in my head when something important is near for me to notice. And I start seeing these signs, small, white, arrows tied with a ribbon on one end and a daisy on the point with the word Wedding showing the direction further on down the highway in the direction I am going at 60 mph. These little signs appear every half a mile and my mind goes back to all of the wedding stories, signs, and indications I have noticed in the last few weeks. Which since I am not currently dating, or even seeing someone. My first thought is maybe he’s coming, about to show up. Till I get to about the 10th one, when suddenly a scene from my past pops into my head. I am 21, about to get married for the first time. Talking to my mother about my wedding dress, listening to her tell me how I cannot wear white, because I got pregnant and even though the I lost the baby, God would know and white is for virgins… Suddenly the realization hits me. She did not do that to be mean, my mother truly loved me, she was just following what she had been taught, how she understood life was, and I was just being a good daughter. Agreeing to something, that I now realize is still important to me. When I get married this next time…It will be in, how, when, where, why, and with whatever things I chose at that moment.
Just in the awareness of that memory, the rest of the day became this hear, listening, awareness spectacular, coming to full awakening, suddenly totally conscious of the once subliminal voice inside my head. As I was getting ready for a client later in the day and I was riding her horse, I heard this nasty, nagging, bitchy, mean, derogatory dialogue going on in the back of my mind. It was a soft drone at first, till I truly heard it, as it began trying to tear apart all of the work I had done with the horse I was on. It tried to influence me first with comparisons of how far along I “should be”, what they might be expecting, how disappointed in my abilities they were going to be…
When suddenly I became aware of the voice belonging to all of the people I had allowed to take up permanent status of personal critics inside my own head. I actually stopped and laughed. They were right there, have been there all along, all of the beliefs, ideas, and critiquing raging in my mind that I had allowed to control, run, and command my life as I carried them right up close inside the hotel of residence inside my head. I just listened for a little while longer, kind of fascinated at finding this “nag”, this nasty bitch. This evil, mean, rotten, horrible… but then I caught myself, I was about to beat up on this voice of memory that had been there because I created it.
I thought about the horse I was on, how big, mean and nasty she had been at the beginning, only because she was spoiled rotten and was afraid that by giving up her status she would then be the bottom rung, the low man on the pole. I realized that just like with her, I needed to befriend the voice. Understand that like her the voice wasn’t really mean, just scared, just needing to find a way to be okay no matter who are what the surroundings were. So I started recognizing the voice from people in my past, ones who I knew were doing the best they could at the time, and sent them back love, understanding and appreciation for helping me to see how they have been there talking to me. Albeit in an undesirable way, but since they were there in my mind from how I remembered and created them, why not turn them into my personal cheerleaders. Turn the voices around, get them to work with me. I created the nag, I can now create the “voices of support”
This morning when I awoke I discovered I had slept all over my bed, the blankets were in disarray, my other pillow and stuffed animal on the floor. I who sleep in one spot, on one side of this huge king size bed, had used, owned, relished, and expanded to my full height, feeling, and glory in reveling in every inch of my comfortable, soft, lushes blankets, on my pillow top mattress. I felt incredible, as I realized the reason I have such a huge library of books. An entire shelf of self-help books that I suddenly understand what every one of those books have been trying to get “me” to understand and realize. All of the help I have ever needed or desired has always been inside of me, nagging at me to listen to the voices, befriend myself. Be aware of the wondrous gift God gave me of my body, to feel for the sensations of good, unsure, or bad that are indications of what is right for ME. The nag is dead, reborn now as I realize I love her, because I know she is Me!
All of the rest of my library, movies, observations, influences, outside suggestions and ideas are here for me to select and choose what it is I need and feels right for me at this moment. To use as is, adjust to fit me, save for a later idea, expand upon, stop reading, turn the page, choose again. Whatever it takes to find and feel the good in each moment. I now can coach others to finding out how to be their best selves…as I now truly know and understand what that means!
Posted on September 22, 2012, in Life, passion and tagged Allowing, Attention, Awareness, Coaching, Guidance, Learning, Listening, Realization, Trusting, Understanding. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.