The Voices in My Head…
Now that I have figured out that maybe I should be listening to these voices (thoughts) that seem to occupy my mind when I am not fully focused in the moment. Which I have found for me that equates fully engaged with all of my focus and my feelings allowing me to flow in perfect harmony with what I am doing. If I am not comfortable with how I am preceding… the voices start, though now I pay attention to what the thoughts feel like, where the belief might have come from, and whose idea was it any way. Having the memory surface from some self-help book about how this writer had a messy desk and was told “A cluttered desk makes for a cluttered mind” so he researched till he found someone famous who thought otherwise and had the success to back it up, Winston Churchill who said “An empty desk is an empty mind”. The perfect thought to allow me to continue with making friends with my thoughts and changing each one that feels uncomfortable. I now know that an old thought/belief can be no longer valid for me.
To then catch the sound of song playing in my head most of today “Slow down you move to fast, got to make the moment last”. Fascinated I listened, discovering my whole self-felt good about the tune and the words, so I decided to go with the directions. Slowing down when I felt tight or in a hurry, really looking at the situations first. Having a few horses freeze framing, stopping to suddenly pull their head up, to try and look at something that had caught their interest, which it took me until the third horse before I got the message of I tend to allow others to walk up with their affairs, allow them to change the subject so that I will forget where or what I am doing so I am then available for their wishes.
The same thing in a different format where several of the horses were pulling so hard, not wanting to give, literally trying to drag me forward with their heads or dancing sideways in an attempt to get me off balance so they would be able to quit moving, stretching, exercising, and just stand there stuck in their old body frame of discomfort. Instead of allowing me to assit them through the first few steps of therapy till the ease of release arrives. All this acting up like suddenly they so need me, that when I check with my gut, it’s just a song and dance that I attract of “give all of yourself to me I am more important than you are so will you please do this for me, you’re so much better than I am at it” My son with his last ditch attempt to avoid the chores because of school and football, when the song started playing again in my head this evening.
About the time I started to say something after a whole hour of his promising to go get done before it got dark. I heard this voice of reasoning that just because I was getting him to do it by using the phrase “You got to learn to earn” maybe I should notice how it felt. I shuddered it was an awful way to view life. I knew where the beliefs came from growing up with “think money grows on trees, you got to work for it, and nobody gets anything for nothing”. When the thought of why can’t it just be given to you, flowed through my head.
My mind working hard for an example to make some kind of sense of that unexpected thought. Then I felt the memory of the “leave a penny, need a penny” on most store check-out counters. The odd times when someone would offer the change needed to keep from breaking a five or ten. The times when someone would open a door just to be nice, suddenly aware of all of this is just exchanges of energy. Which somehow has been learned as instructions of drudgery, work, toil, struggle, have to’s and or else’s. I felt this big sigh of relief as I became aware of I have only allowed a little of the energy of ease about money in. Because I had so bought into I had to work for every little thing. I now find myself trying unsuccessfully to teach it to my son, but it doesn’t feel right, not yet. But I will figure out a way to get this energy exchange to make more sense in my head so I can feel good about actually living the way. Then I can share it with him and others. Now it’s just in the awareness stage, but that is such a step in the right direction