Certainty of What Is Desired…
I have been sitting here with a candy bar. It is a King Size Special Dark Hershey’s Chocolate one because as I was finishing up my route for the evening, I started thinking about what I would like to have for dessert after supper this evening, visualizing the dark chocolate that frequents my favorite ice cream. Imagining the taste of it, the satisfaction it brings when I allow it to melt in mouth, thoroughly engulfed in the way that particular type of dark chocolate, taste, feels, delights and arouses my full attention to the feeling of luxury and indulgence that I so delight in. Having done a full at least five minutes of enjoying the delights of the evening to come, I continued with the rest of my route. Parked the bus, and then proceeded to the meeting place with my youngest son at the high school welding shop to pick up my repaired stool. The whole time, planning, seeing, and deciding upon my options of my intended route for the chair, feed, ice cream, ice and chocolate, before 4:45 at the grocery store. When the store is too jam packed with kids and parents headed home after school for me to fit into my intended time frame. Deciding when I arrived at the school with no son in sight, to then proceed to the shop, talk with the instructor, pick up my stool, all the while noting the time and my intention of honoring the 4:25 agreed upon time or he’d walk home.
At the appointed time with a no show from him, I proceeded on to my next few stops, choosing to forgo the store because of the crowd. Heading instead to the local convenience store where they sell awesome large bags of ice, and a variety of treats for me to taste in my mind to find a close match to my already intended treat for the evening. Spying the Hershey bar and a small container of vanilla ice cream, I figured I would at least hit close to my intention. I paid for the ice and stuff to come home to find my son busily cutting grass, sheepishly admitting he had forgotten again and wasn’t I proud of his mowing to make amends.
I was cool about it, I had my stool, my ice, my ice cream and the dark chocolate. All the while thinking about how good the candy would be as I continued to wrestle a solution about how I was truly feeling about a guy I knew in high school. Who appeared in my night and day dreams almost all of last spring and summer from somewhere hidden deep inside of me, and then reappear this last Friday night. Causing me to consider why and where was this was coming from. Though not near as much as the voices of reason that was going on in my head. The whole story of caring, loving, fitting in, making sure I took care of everybody else… but me.
I took the first bite of chocolate… and knew it wasn’t what I wanted or intended. My mind matching that to the couple of short, polite, carefully constructed notes I have made in an attempt to re-connect. I am eating the second piece of candy, thinking how it is so not what I wanted. Yes it is dark, yes it is chocolate, yes it is here. But it is “NOT” what I truly want to eat or wanted to say…
I heard my mind correcting and warning me the few times I have written. Being polite, trying to take care of him, in case he is married, mad at me, aware of weirdo’s, stalkers, strange things that go bump in the night, or any other scenario’s that I have learned happen to go with improper etiquette. I wished him Happy Birthday a few days ago out on Facebook with his initials and totally freaked out when he replied, much less with a set of letters I didn’t figure out till I quit panicking over “What had I done!”
I then calmed down enough to send him a very polite response over wishing to talk, though not a clue about what, to be greeted with a dream of him calling me that night, my family in the room and me walking away from them. I chose him, I didn’t think twice about it, I just got up and walked out. Now in eating this not even close to what I want bar, I realize I love him, I loved our friendship, our time together, the playing, the working, the just being.
I so have bought into how my heart’s choice would be wrong for everyone else… I walked away from a whole lot of things, after him, and have been settling, selectively choosing to hear from everyone else what they need from me so that “they” will be okay. Closing off the deepest part of me. Which I have only truly rediscovered in the last few years, as I have uncovered layer by layer all of the beliefs, ideals and dreams of everyone else’s idea of me. To truly find this afternoon, when I realized I love me, I love him, I love my ability to choose and listed to me first, last and foremost.
I’m worth the trip back to the grocery store for the white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream. I am worth a letter from my heart stating my truths no matter the consequences. Because I am the best judge of what it is I desire, seek, want, and need… Which I will only acquire when I line up my focus, feelings, and thoughts with absolute certainty toward what I intend to zone in on as the best life for me!