I have had such a totally awesome, eye-opening 24 hours, all from paying attention to what I was aware of that felt good, and following the flow of what followed. Starting with my trip to work of taking my time, feeling out how good it would feel to have all of the things in my life just meld together in such away as to answer: What it is I need, and How can I help? To then feel this question bubble up inside of me of my still feeling on the brink… to an answer I have been seeking since forever. Which I knew what the question was the minute each piece almost magically appeared.
Starting with my retelling of the dream yesterday morning that woke me to a very special friend, who in her grace of truly being able to listen, told me I was not recognizing my own worth in relating to others. Feeling so sparked by her insight as I felt the nudge of recognition inside to my old habit of how “I” think another (in this case any of my family members) perceive me as the one who can accomplish the impossible… at their bidding, no cost to them, do the work, but you can’t play with us. Feeling the lack I over never being compensated for my help. It’s all been my own doing; I could so feel how I automatically assume they take me for granted, so they do.
To then have this incredible lesson with one of my owners who realized how out of balance she was in being able to easily lope the horse to the right and struggle to maintain her balance to the left. Which in working with horses, a rider’s balance is what a horse mimics, so most people easily make a connection with their dominant side, and falter from uncertainity with the untrained to lead side, till they learn to use all of their body in a balanced manner. She was so jazzed at the realization that she could easily lope in one direction and by the realization of the dominant side was trying to do it all. To then be shown how to adjust her feet and hands, relaxing and feeling for the horse, she could feel the leaning, and over exaggerating her practiced right handedness was trying to hold her body the same way for two different directions. So excited was she that she then paid for the next series of lessons for her and her husband. I then knew I was on the right path in my sudden awareness at excepting compliments and people paying me before I was next needed, because I am so very good and worthy.
I then continue on to drive thinking how often in the past my results so matched my expectations, now high on the realization I so do deserve. I am really getting into the awesomeness of the maroon tops of grass blowing, swaying, and waltzing in the passing breezes that I find I am quickly done with my route, to park my bus and check my phone to find… He has responded to me! Finding myself aware of every word he replied, but especially the last few. Where he stated “he has trouble letting people in”, all of a sudden I realized what has been happening the last year or so. I have been struggling in letting “Me” out! I have been hiding, playing it safe, just truly learning “Who I am”.
To have it occur to me a while ago while I was driving how freedom and unconditional love are the same things to me. These years of trying to relate my spiritual experiences and the way my life kept having these rigid, rough, interesting, ups and downs, accidents and recoveries. I have been judging things, not relishing my creation of all of this so I could better understand the wonderful, total acceptance I have experienced when during my several NDE. I now get that in viewing another person, situation or thing with unconditional acceptance is the freedom to observe or not, to get involved or not, to turn something on or not. To just allow something to be as it is. Whole, complete, as is where it is. The Freedom of the other thing is just a contrast for me to what I want more or less of, to buy into, or not, to fight against or honor. I now get that whatever choice I choose is mine. I now know if I do something to please or keep anothers love I am chaining them and myself to the burden of what’s going on to stay the same, and that is not possible because every moment is change or growth. Unless one wants to live in a stagnant pond, with no refreshing flow to stir things up and allow for the difference to move forward, breathe, and become. I know to well if I hold my breath long enough in stubborn determination to have it my way or else…I will pass out.
I choose freedom, unconditional love and allowing for things to change, to live, suffer, breathe or die because that is their choice. I so love my life, I so appreciate all that Joe Charles has ever done for me. Before when we were young, and lately in my minds visualization of being loved, having fun, just being all of me, okay, loved, and cared for. So reminding me of my choices of bondage in my youth to keep my family’s love and not trust myself enough to even think “I” might truly know what was best for me! Life keeps getting better and better.