Monthly Archives: November 2012
One consistent belief seems to be the underlying theme of the last week or so, which totally leaped into full view as I was observing my big horse today when he ignored his feed and was just playing with his hay this morning so non-typical of my main steed. Though he was already on the watch and observe list because of my finding him laying down yesterday when I returned from work to ride and then watched him gingerly get to his feet. Moving with a tell-tale limp to the grooming area where I went over him thoroughly, looking and feeling for any clues to allow me to figure out the cause of his discomfort. Finding no heat, normal body signs, and only the attempts to stay off of his left hind leg. I then took him through some simple stretches, bends, walk and trot lead line patterns noting the gradual ease back into a more comfortable handling of each of his limbs, before I gave him some natural herbs, re-brushed him down and then turned him out knowing the day off will be good for him.
To find myself re-thinking the last few days, the various cuts and gashes in the ground of the signs of brisk, rough play, with extreme turns and spins shared as the horses cavorted in the new cooler winter coming weather. Suspecting this morning he may have more going on than first surmised. Finding me checking all of the hard and fast signs I know as rules for horse health. Though my mind was doing the “what ifs” thoughts, by taking in his age, his status in the herd, what he means to me, and so on. To be fascinated by my awareness to in the other signs I was now making note of.
Suddenly the buzzard sunning on the fence post, the two other vultures that flew over as a team. The total possibility of death added to the other questions now presented to me to observe and figure out. When from within I felt this series of why’s and what’s with the singular answer quickly coming to the forefront. To be met just as quickly as what else could all of this possibly mean? When my user name from one of the dating sites I use to belong to popped into my head “Just One” and it dawned on me how well I have been taught to just choose one, logical, even if uncomfortable answer.
One person for the rest of my life, one breed of dog, one horse to own, one of anything because it has to last you forever, or its all you will ever have. Now the whys start rolling out just as fast, who says so, and what if, it dies, it breaks, it leaves, it does whatever happens to cause its disappearance and I am still alive or what if I change my mind?
Total silence from the usually clamoring crowd of voices in my head with all of their so very practiced opinions… till I heard one squeaky voice from the back “you’ll be different, you’ll be weird, you’ll be sorry, sad or just plain wrong…again!!”
I thought about it, decided I like to live, fully alive, trying different things, having different experiences, wearing clothes that feel good, fit me, works for whatever is going on at the moment. I like to choose, and evidently enjoy changing my mind, and not listening to the crowd. Hmmm… it feels good to just be aware of the now silenced voices in my head.
My horse is grazing, he is softer now, visiting with me as I write and periodically check outside to see how they all are as they browse in the yard. My treat for them allowing me to realize there is so much more to live and see if I allow for the Universe to continue to open me up to allow the millions of opportunities of abundance and life that I have never even considered, thought about or even realized were possible. After I had left here with only the first part of this post written, fascinated as I drove along thinking about some things I have been desiring to accomplish with my limited understanding of the how’s to accomplish any of them. To suddenly realize how small the crack was of allowing the Universe to help with any ideas outside of what I could conceive or come up with (much like drinking my coffee with a lid through a straw so only a little bit comes out at a time). I found my mind racing with ideas and beliefs I only thought could happen in movies, to others with money, or from the occasional miracle. Flooding my mind which was now swimming in delight with all kinds of choices that did not have to be narrowed down to “just one” for any desire to happen.
I walked back into the house, ready to face my computer and my latest nemeses of some adware and stuff that has been slowing my pc down, armed with the possibility that I could learn how to do this myself. All I had to do was listen, trust, and allow things that mentally I have yet to comprehend, as in by trusting my gut I clicked on links and found answers not following any said or prescribed that I know of computer path, to find I have not only cleaned and sped up my computer. But managed to find, detect and remove 30 items that the last few days of scanning and struggling did not even register as threats. Is life awesome or what! Allowing, letting in, and inviting God/the Universe completely into the dance with me so expands my range of choice to the infinite and beyond… Hee Hee!!!
As my life continues I am thrilled with the ever expanding variety of new ways to view, use, find and experience each moment. Many times allowing me a clearer view of what might be possible, probable or more plausible than I was so completely led to believe from my limited view from my world. A world of sometimes just simply horses, people, the small town I currently live in and the selections of information via the internet that I choose to partake in. Allowing me to surmise, understand and adjust whatever it is I am currently seeking answers to from the latest question in my mind.
These last few weeks have been from a much more observing then participating point of an interaction. As I have been integrating the feeling in me of my intended gaze, as to whether the response felt is good, bad or neutral. To then add this information to my handling time with the horses and their owners, the questions they bring and the reactions found in their learning of each other’s languages. Finding myself so very aware of how much whatever is going on with them when I suggest possibilities of resolutions. I then find what I am telling them usually fully applies to what personal problem I am working through. Making the best teachers for me are these wonderful players who come to me to learn.
The horse yesterday so totally living right now, in the present moment, so aware of when her handler is thinking, trying to implement the latest lesson, as the horse snaps its head around, ears forward, eyes staring hard out to the left, as the rider questions me on her seat position and then refocus on the horse as I explain what to do. The horse relaxes when no one directly responds to its attempt to make a big deal out of the sack floating 100 yards across the field insignificantly in the breeze. This born instinct to stay fully focused in the moment with three choices always at the ready. Alert by listening, seeing, the aware by feeling for good or bad, yet always one moment away from calm, comfortable centered.
Animals and their owners have made me so aware of the habits drilled, taught, learned, and at times still practiced of remembering and living in the past or tomorrow. With feelings of discomfort, pain, dislike, hurt and any number of other negative and uncomfortable feelings that are mine to continue, soak in, carry like a huge sack of garbage, fully tied to the yuck… or like the horses, it’s done, let’s eat, drink, play and live, fully embrace the now.
Last night some video or email talked about having the choice in each moment to choose what one feels. Suggesting life is easier if we just always choose to just feel a little better with each thought, thing or situation. I have heard this idea a lot in the last few years, just all of a sudden I heard, really heard what was being said. So all morning long I have been doing exactly that, just living in each moment aware of what I am thinking, seeing, doing and monitoring my gut on how it feels. Suddenly finding it getting easier and easier to truly choose better thoughts as I find myself rewarded with unexpected money, situations righting themselves to my benefit, unexpected time and cooperation with the Universe at every turn. I love life, the ability to ask the Universe any question, that when I let the waitress take my order and let her leave to get it fulfilled… Like magic, it does. It just keeps getting better and better.
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
Once again the last few days have been this awareness of a slogging through old patterns that I have now become more concious of are still, evidently in place that are being reflected back to me as I have cleared off and released the layers above them. All of this too reminding me of living with a huge old engine running in the background that the noise, vibrations and effects of have gone on for so long… one is numb to their very existence, until the sound is exposed after all the louder, more prevalent ones have been turned off, repaired or exchanged, for newer, more efficient and much more comfortable ones, thus the allowing the separation of each particular problem/dilemma to come into full view.
So very much like the leaks that I have been repairing, finding and fixing in the water and electric bills in my house. The first ones to be repaired are the ones that break… water spewing everywhere, or a machine that just quits working. These more prevalent ones, one stops everything to attend to, fix, or replace immediately. To be happily content with the new update, or the ease of water running efficiently through to shower, wash, or cook with. Though in the newness, it tends to heightens one’s paying attention to smaller puddles, or slight leaks now easily in sight of the newly repaired.
The tweaking and attention allowing a sometimes wondrous reward in a lowering of the bills, which leads to noting what else can be improved or changed to increase efficiency of one’s monetary flow, or choice of action. This all led me on the path of much used trails of thoughts in replacing, upgrading, and experiencing several things on my list: greater finances, truck, fencing, friends, places to go, etc. I found myself deep in thought of how, what, where as I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when the phone rang, to find myself suddenly being asked to assist a former client. I was not scheduled for anything so I stated my morning was open and surprised to discover they had been out on the main road when they called, evident when a minute later they knocked on my back door.
I ushered her in to the office as she started on her tail of troubles, I found myself listening to the story with the awareness of her limited scope of time honored and expected solutions, so thoroughly stuck under the cover of impossible to implement in the short allotted space of time. Surprised at the words that suddenly came pouring forth from inside me, as I told her of the Universe’s abundance was much like the cup of coffee I had poured her, which she had been holding with her hand over the top in an attempt to hold in the heat.
I explained that by asking God/the Universe for help, letting it go, and then focusing on just seeing herself happy, smiling, all the components now in place as she readily appreciated the wondrous outcome, she would be allowing things beyond her ability to come into play. Not like the cup of coffee she now held with her hand over the top. All of her ideas of how to fix it were in the cup, covered by her hand as the only way for things to work out. Nothing else getting in or coming out, though once her hand was removed, it would allow all of the possibilities she could not currently see or feel in her current state to flow in from all the places beyond her imagination, to freely fill or even overflow her cup. From the vantage point of God/the Universe who has a view not encumbered by fear, lack, or the feeling of impossible.
As the light went on inside of her, her body shifted, became softer, more assured as a wave of yawns overtook her and the sense of things can work out when we get out of our limited thoughts of how. I felt the same realization in me over these small, now louder sounds of the other old machines of habits that I am still finding have been silently running my life. Which I have allowed to do so because of trained, limited beliefs from my previous experiences and expectations. I too can now change as I realize I have created these conditions and I am ready, willing and open to releasing the patterns in me and my consciousness that created them, as I now open myself to the full abundance of the Universe. Making even a simple cup of coffee right now, the only path of the Universe to reach me in my asking for assistance in moving forward to being and experiencing all of me!
Sometimes what we are searching for is so right there in front of our faces… we can’t see it because it is so close and personal. Something incredibly deep down in our depth of knowingness…
My writing as of lately has been slow to come out and just be something, anything on the page for me to peruse, much less understand. I have been writing this latest post in my mind for the last three days. Over and over listening to it being formed, constructed, de-constructed and re-composed as I searched for this niggling piece, that I could feel was right there, important, needing, no expecting to be noted, noticed, felt. In the perfect format for me to make sense of the stillness, the solitude, the emptiness of space once occupied by the rest of the world’s opinions and ideas that for so very long ruled, controlled, and was my source of involvement in the world.
As of tomorrow (12pm November the 18th) I will have completed an entire year on this voyage of discovery that I have managed to write, blog, and post about in a way to help me trace my footsteps toward being “All of Just Me!” Many times in my life when things have gotten completely sideways, sidetracked, sideswiped and one-sided I have gone to a connection to source, which in my world are the horses and owners that grace my world.
They all have been the most marvelous teachers and mirrors of the lessons or ideas I need to see, realize, change, or release in becoming the best of myself. This last week has been a revisiting and learning from the toolbox that is ever expanding as each person, animal, or thing I experience commits me more to understanding and appreciating the total uniqueness of everything. There are not certain answers in working with another. There are huge possibilities, probabilities and ideas to be utilized individually in each situation. No two snowflakes are the same. There is no cookie cutter pattern to life.
My smallest mount at the present, has done a wonderful job of showing me the wonder of going slower, feeling the smallest, subtlest change in his body. My size of being almost 6 ft, puts him at the advantage with him being stout, short, built like a tank and totally aware of “right now”. So many before me took the approach of his spooking as being crazy, unfit, and explosive, dangerous to any but the most experienced. In the emptiness of a definitive approach from any others, in my learning to watch, observe, and just be truly with him. I have discovered tons of statements once thought of as absolute truths of training… suddenly do not add up. His “spookiness” is a taught behavior that he has learned by doing this people will get away from him, leave him alone, and let him have his freedom. He spots or knows the minute another does not have his full focus. He has learned to look away, jump at the unknown, dance excitedly body hard, defensive, and should his handler buy into his tale. Where he now gets to be the leader of the dance by his confidence in his ability to distract the other beings around him.
Leading me to my recent store trip for a particular item, noting as I walked in the drama going on at the counter with the one cashier and customer holding up an incredibly long line, which first triggered the thought I could fix that. But the feeling was uncomfortable; I really wanted just what I came in for, the cashier was trying to calmly handling the escalating situation. Which as I decided I really just wanted my drink and a ticket, another cashier showed up, called me to pay for and purchase my items, leaving me with this sense of wonder at the Universe’s ability to orchestrate the solution and a winning ticket so easily.
An inspired action, followed through with focused attention, both from the thought and the feeling. Cause perfect response, leadership from being on target, truly aware of what it is we are about to do. So confidently fixed on our final object, we will net full cooperation from the Universe. Completely experienced today when I realized the biggest missing piece, was me lining up with all of me as I learn to help another who asks. Not rescue or save because the situation does not add up to what I think is going on. Many times the smoke signals are not s.o.s’s, they are just the Universe checking to see how well I have learned to be aware of what I am creating in every moment by my full focus, and intention. If I am easily distracted… then I am the one responsible for having just given my power away. For what I focus on is what I attract. No exceptions.
It has been almost two weeks since I have posted anything on the internet. Not that I haven’t written, sorted, or blogged in my mind. Just nothing quite came together in the right way to explain or feel right for where I now find myself with a much changed mind and focus, as I finally have found a really close answer and description to a place I have been several times in my life.
Once from an incident when I was very young (about 2 or 3) when I swallowed my tongue and remember being overhead as all of these people down below were resuscitating my body as I watched, and these glowing beings told me it was not my time yet. The second incident was in a time of extreme peril, my life so precarious, hanging by a thread of sanity, desperately wanting out, to find myself fervently praying and suddenly enveloped in this golden comfortable light. No words, just a deep understanding I would be guided and things would work out. Then the last episodes; one year after shattering my wrist and just done with the third surgery, to be informed I would only have 35% functionality of it for the rest of my life. To have my mom ask me to join her on a healing retreat in Canada as her companion in an effort to have her cancer healed. Where when the second blessing of the weekend found me engulfed in an incredibly hot, bright, wondrous light which spread from his hand on my head, to course through my body into my wrist in this intensely, directed healing energy. Which left absolutely no doubt in my mind of the complete healing, beyond all speculations, to be later confirmed by my follow up visit to the surgeon in the xrays of unexplainable changes in my wrist in the two weeks since the surgery.
Though I knew that was not nearly as important to me as the experience from the last day of the retreat when he laid his hands upon my head and I was suddenly immersed in the most incredible, totally encompassing place of unconditional love and surrender. That I was able to bathe in and re-immerse myself in repeatedly until I got back home and drove up into my house’s driveway… to see this immense dark gray cloud hanging over it. Causing me to then find myself for the last 21 years wondering how to explain it, get back to it, understand why I was allowed it, and what did I do that was so wrong or awful to lose it.
The last two weeks have helped me find my way back to get back to there and make sense of all of the pieces in between. How to describe it to another, that it is and always has been okay… to be different, unique, amazing, interesting, sure, confused, excited, curious, weird and even bad (in someone else’s eyes or my own) as last week when I was driving the bus I found myself going down the highway to be enveloped into this totally consuming, nowhere to actually see in the total dark, accept moments in front of me, in the deep, white, non-assuming, non-particular completely engulfing fog. My headlights neither affected nor penetrated it; it held no judgment of where I was coming from or headed toward. There was no sense of time, or place. No caring about the past or the future… just a deeply, all encompassing, dense, yet comforting, non-prejudicial in differentiating between the sky, the dirt, the road, vehicles, trees, animals, or anything. It touched and covered it all. Lovely, dense, thick, and covering every single thing was this fog. Which I trusted I could still easily find my way by feeling and being totally present in this cocoon of wonder that stayed with me for almost a full thirty miles. Opening my mind to the memories of each of the former incidents, and my new awareness of a way to describe and feel this deep personal connection with source to another.
Though in my first attempts of trying to write it down to share, I kept feeling I needed to wait. There was more to this than just finding the feeling… So I allowed my life to just be… in each moment… wait… listen… and observe… let the connecting dots show themselves. As I watched the myriad puzzles of my past come together to show me the trail of the dance of drama that has so been the sticking point of my life. I watched in fascination as my mind kept expanding and opening as I found the threads in my own family, then friends, then the connecting dots to their lives, their past, their lineage. Each point of pause rewarded in the passing of the wand of despair, anger, confuse, struggle, frustration, love or whatever belief in the next movement forward.
All being passed generation to generation, in the purity of how and what love is, was taught to them. Suddenly shifting my awareness from blame to understanding, to peace as I “understood” there is no right or wrong, we are all truly just living with what we know, understand or experience up to each moment. It is always are choice to choose, to learn more, differentiate, understand, love, hate, make the best of it or otherwise. The Universe, is so like the fog, it covers us whether we notice, curse, love or ignore it from inside of ourselves…I know it always chooses to just love us all, so very much more than we might have learned!