Finding My Way…
It has been almost two weeks since I have posted anything on the internet. Not that I haven’t written, sorted, or blogged in my mind. Just nothing quite came together in the right way to explain or feel right for where I now find myself with a much changed mind and focus, as I finally have found a really close answer and description to a place I have been several times in my life.
Once from an incident when I was very young (about 2 or 3) when I swallowed my tongue and remember being overhead as all of these people down below were resuscitating my body as I watched, and these glowing beings told me it was not my time yet. The second incident was in a time of extreme peril, my life so precarious, hanging by a thread of sanity, desperately wanting out, to find myself fervently praying and suddenly enveloped in this golden comfortable light. No words, just a deep understanding I would be guided and things would work out. Then the last episodes; one year after shattering my wrist and just done with the third surgery, to be informed I would only have 35% functionality of it for the rest of my life. To have my mom ask me to join her on a healing retreat in Canada as her companion in an effort to have her cancer healed. Where when the second blessing of the weekend found me engulfed in an incredibly hot, bright, wondrous light which spread from his hand on my head, to course through my body into my wrist in this intensely, directed healing energy. Which left absolutely no doubt in my mind of the complete healing, beyond all speculations, to be later confirmed by my follow up visit to the surgeon in the xrays of unexplainable changes in my wrist in the two weeks since the surgery.
Though I knew that was not nearly as important to me as the experience from the last day of the retreat when he laid his hands upon my head and I was suddenly immersed in the most incredible, totally encompassing place of unconditional love and surrender. That I was able to bathe in and re-immerse myself in repeatedly until I got back home and drove up into my house’s driveway… to see this immense dark gray cloud hanging over it. Causing me to then find myself for the last 21 years wondering how to explain it, get back to it, understand why I was allowed it, and what did I do that was so wrong or awful to lose it.
The last two weeks have helped me find my way back to get back to there and make sense of all of the pieces in between. How to describe it to another, that it is and always has been okay… to be different, unique, amazing, interesting, sure, confused, excited, curious, weird and even bad (in someone else’s eyes or my own) as last week when I was driving the bus I found myself going down the highway to be enveloped into this totally consuming, nowhere to actually see in the total dark, accept moments in front of me, in the deep, white, non-assuming, non-particular completely engulfing fog. My headlights neither affected nor penetrated it; it held no judgment of where I was coming from or headed toward. There was no sense of time, or place. No caring about the past or the future… just a deeply, all encompassing, dense, yet comforting, non-prejudicial in differentiating between the sky, the dirt, the road, vehicles, trees, animals, or anything. It touched and covered it all. Lovely, dense, thick, and covering every single thing was this fog. Which I trusted I could still easily find my way by feeling and being totally present in this cocoon of wonder that stayed with me for almost a full thirty miles. Opening my mind to the memories of each of the former incidents, and my new awareness of a way to describe and feel this deep personal connection with source to another.
Though in my first attempts of trying to write it down to share, I kept feeling I needed to wait. There was more to this than just finding the feeling… So I allowed my life to just be… in each moment… wait… listen… and observe… let the connecting dots show themselves. As I watched the myriad puzzles of my past come together to show me the trail of the dance of drama that has so been the sticking point of my life. I watched in fascination as my mind kept expanding and opening as I found the threads in my own family, then friends, then the connecting dots to their lives, their past, their lineage. Each point of pause rewarded in the passing of the wand of despair, anger, confuse, struggle, frustration, love or whatever belief in the next movement forward.
All being passed generation to generation, in the purity of how and what love is, was taught to them. Suddenly shifting my awareness from blame to understanding, to peace as I “understood” there is no right or wrong, we are all truly just living with what we know, understand or experience up to each moment. It is always are choice to choose, to learn more, differentiate, understand, love, hate, make the best of it or otherwise. The Universe, is so like the fog, it covers us whether we notice, curse, love or ignore it from inside of ourselves…I know it always chooses to just love us all, so very much more than we might have learned!