Monthly Archives: December 2012
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!
This last week of observing, examining and figuring out where it is I am now headed, has had me fully aware, awake and conscious of my almost every moment. As I surmise, watch and listen to the signs found everywhere, now that I have uncovered, worn-out, or turned off all of the old engines that have been silently in many cases running my life. Old habits and patterns diligently worn, tried, trusted and in many cases feared… it’s just the way life is.
Funny how well I have learned in this last week to appreciate that the Universe really does have my back. I just have been forgetting to get out of the way and take my fingers off of the reins as I kept trying to force all kinds of things that were unnecessary or the really long way around to finally get the expected results. So as I thought about my truck, my sudden view of freedom of having to get something new. I was amazed at how quickly I found I had always had this awesome pocket on my person to put any request into that I could not find an answer to, and named it my God Pocket.
I asked about words I was uncomfortable with. I was told to simplify, break them down into little definitions. Search through anything anybody else thought about any word till I found two things. First would be my understanding or usual definition, then would come as many other definitions as I could find till I found a new way to view what might have been a long standing rule of application, now turned to a more “me” way of understanding it.
As I was playing with this redefining of old paradigm’s, I was graced with a new horse to start. She is pretty, young and proud of herself with her ability to have things her way. She came in deciding to set up shop by her rules. Not noticing, anything, except the places she intended to investigate. Suddenly aware of if I followed her sight line, she became stronger, more willful. Reminding me of working cattle, where if one keeps their eye on just the head, the body will make rapid departures in almost any other direction, Keeping this in mind, I set my sights on her chest, allowing my peripheral vision to note any movement out of sync with what I was asking for and within moments, I had this marvelous willing partner.
Not being one to let the Universe’s wonderful enlightenment to go to waste. I began to apply what I had learned toward my fellow human beings, especially my youngest. To be greeted with the most bizarre, displays of agile, vocal, antics any and every time he desired anything that he has not earned. I suddenly discovered all of those old silent machines of habits from my past, had been thoroughly coloring my reactions to so many what used to feel like unimaginable attacks on my sense of sanity, as I felt a total loss of control of my rights.
I found this ghost, phantom, imaginary specter that I know I created, by my habits from growing up as a youth. I could suddenly see my gift of gab relative, whom many listened to out of imagined respect for the extreme plethora of knowledge on most any and all subjects. The hands waving, the voice getting louder and more imaginative, as the tempo increased to keep the audience enthralled as they came up with the solution that sounded so plausible and possible… until one would check it out and discover the hot air that seemed to accompany the drink.
Fascinated how well the lesson with the young horse, was so easy to apply to my son. As I kept my focus on the center of his body, letting the waving hands, the extremes in voice, the wild stories of desire, attitude and unusual reasoning that was so trying to inspire me to spend what he had not yet acquired in funding. Amused even further, when I watched him go into an almost temper tantrum… that stopped even faster than it started when I caught him looking to see where my focus was. Hmmm I know I so love my ability to observe, listen, learn, and apply in this much quieter, grander world of the moment I now choose to live in.
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.
I have been attempting to write this post for the last three days with hundreds of words coming out, written down in a persistent circular fashion of thought. A continuous flow that just kept going over and over the same stuck track which coincided with my youngest son’s constant interruptions. Until last night when I finally gave in, gave up and decided entertainment of the comic type was in order to find and then watch two totally different movies made in almost 20 years apart. Both funny and rewarding to watch in viewing others interpretation of good, fun romantic interaction.
Though I was up several times in the night with the feeling of freedom just moments away when I finally find this old sense of confinement. To awaken this morning feeling an acute awareness as I slowly meandered through my chores and thoughts in what felt like a big, empty, old void. That changed into a sudden sensation of urgency after opening an email for a special 48 hour sale for an audio book I had been pondering to buy, which caused me to go comparison pricing at Amazon and find to my delight the same item for just 99 cents. To then called my friend in delight and anticipation as I took this for a sign that the asked for answer was close at hand.
We then spent the next few hours talking, comparing childhood scenarios, and our prescribed roles, the ideas we perceived and understood to be our designated paths. The conflicts between us, our family and especially our sons. When the words vulnerable and amazon simultaneously came out of both of our mouths, as the acknowledgement over both of us being very big, strong healthy girls growing up in families with no boys. Who were expected to do the dirty work, take care of the others and toe the line. Both of us having an extreme awareness of taking care of the other females in our lives when they were not physically capable, and hanging around with all of the “pretty” girls who didn’t seem to know how to say no and mean it.
Suddenly hearing my description of the castle that I use to describe the many rooms of still closed off possibilities for me that I mentally live in my mind. Narrowed down to the use of the grand foyer, the stronghold of the interior, with many shuttered up doors leading into unused potentials, several small tidy rooms which are moderately lit, neat and tidy. Then this small, dimly lit, spiraling staircase, that is four or five stories up which leads one into this wonderfully romantic, wistful, soft hidden room, that has but one access which is rarely used as it is dusty and uninviting to climb up.
As we continue to talk I find myself looking up the word “vulnerable”: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc. Then the word “amazon”: A tall, aggressive, strong-willed woman.
Now aware of the huge, dark space in me that had seemed empty, yet now found to be filled with this almost silently running machine that has been quietly directing me around. Much like I feel my son does when he ask or expects something when he rudely intrudes on something I am focused on doing. That in my years of following orders, fitting in and doing what I was told, I suddenly realized I had never been taught to ask or expect to be something other than the role I had accepted was who I am supposed to be.
Eureka, pay dirt, success. All of these feelings of jubilation and excitement over finding this interesting antique, still so very much in charge of my ups and downs in life. Though almost completely hidden, it had been orchestrating my limitations any time I got to close to crossing into those other rooms that now are lit up and beckon to be opened up and rearranged to suit me. Now as I glow in the fire of new recognition as to why I never truly felt I fit in to the small limited part I was taught to be. I love making my own decisions and taking care of myself. I love the fact I am strong, capable, quick and woman. I love the fact I can move effortlessly, dancing, cooking, sewing, and tending to others with soft, sure, confident hands.
As I ask, find and fill in these holes in my understanding of who I can choose I am. As an intelligent, fun, fantastic, witty, flexible, focused, flowing, friendly,classy and feminine lady. Who chooses to know how to do what needs to be done, can think for herself and is smart enough to ask God for guidance as I allow the best thoughts for the moment to flow through to light my path of full wonderful glowing potential. It is okay to find and have assistance in being the uniquely, passionate, horse training, coaching, teaching, and articulate female that I am. This keeps getting easier and easier as I realize I can’t get it wrong, cause there is always more to do, more to learn and by changing my mind to do it differently who knows how far I can go. What else I can and will discover as I continue setting myself free from the limiting role of others best intentions for me, as I explore the different ways of looking at everything and taking part in what feels right for me.