Asking, Expecting, and Opening to…
I have been attempting to write this post for the last three days with hundreds of words coming out, written down in a persistent circular fashion of thought. A continuous flow that just kept going over and over the same stuck track which coincided with my youngest son’s constant interruptions. Until last night when I finally gave in, gave up and decided entertainment of the comic type was in order to find and then watch two totally different movies made in almost 20 years apart. Both funny and rewarding to watch in viewing others interpretation of good, fun romantic interaction.
Though I was up several times in the night with the feeling of freedom just moments away when I finally find this old sense of confinement. To awaken this morning feeling an acute awareness as I slowly meandered through my chores and thoughts in what felt like a big, empty, old void. That changed into a sudden sensation of urgency after opening an email for a special 48 hour sale for an audio book I had been pondering to buy, which caused me to go comparison pricing at Amazon and find to my delight the same item for just 99 cents. To then called my friend in delight and anticipation as I took this for a sign that the asked for answer was close at hand.
We then spent the next few hours talking, comparing childhood scenarios, and our prescribed roles, the ideas we perceived and understood to be our designated paths. The conflicts between us, our family and especially our sons. When the words vulnerable and amazon simultaneously came out of both of our mouths, as the acknowledgement over both of us being very big, strong healthy girls growing up in families with no boys. Who were expected to do the dirty work, take care of the others and toe the line. Both of us having an extreme awareness of taking care of the other females in our lives when they were not physically capable, and hanging around with all of the “pretty” girls who didn’t seem to know how to say no and mean it.
Suddenly hearing my description of the castle that I use to describe the many rooms of still closed off possibilities for me that I mentally live in my mind. Narrowed down to the use of the grand foyer, the stronghold of the interior, with many shuttered up doors leading into unused potentials, several small tidy rooms which are moderately lit, neat and tidy. Then this small, dimly lit, spiraling staircase, that is four or five stories up which leads one into this wonderfully romantic, wistful, soft hidden room, that has but one access which is rarely used as it is dusty and uninviting to climb up.
As we continue to talk I find myself looking up the word “vulnerable”: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc. Then the word “amazon”: A tall, aggressive, strong-willed woman.
Now aware of the huge, dark space in me that had seemed empty, yet now found to be filled with this almost silently running machine that has been quietly directing me around. Much like I feel my son does when he ask or expects something when he rudely intrudes on something I am focused on doing. That in my years of following orders, fitting in and doing what I was told, I suddenly realized I had never been taught to ask or expect to be something other than the role I had accepted was who I am supposed to be.
Eureka, pay dirt, success. All of these feelings of jubilation and excitement over finding this interesting antique, still so very much in charge of my ups and downs in life. Though almost completely hidden, it had been orchestrating my limitations any time I got to close to crossing into those other rooms that now are lit up and beckon to be opened up and rearranged to suit me. Now as I glow in the fire of new recognition as to why I never truly felt I fit in to the small limited part I was taught to be. I love making my own decisions and taking care of myself. I love the fact I am strong, capable, quick and woman. I love the fact I can move effortlessly, dancing, cooking, sewing, and tending to others with soft, sure, confident hands.
As I ask, find and fill in these holes in my understanding of who I can choose I am. As an intelligent, fun, fantastic, witty, flexible, focused, flowing, friendly,classy and feminine lady. Who chooses to know how to do what needs to be done, can think for herself and is smart enough to ask God for guidance as I allow the best thoughts for the moment to flow through to light my path of full wonderful glowing potential. It is okay to find and have assistance in being the uniquely, passionate, horse training, coaching, teaching, and articulate female that I am. This keeps getting easier and easier as I realize I can’t get it wrong, cause there is always more to do, more to learn and by changing my mind to do it differently who knows how far I can go. What else I can and will discover as I continue setting myself free from the limiting role of others best intentions for me, as I explore the different ways of looking at everything and taking part in what feels right for me.