Christmas Morning the Aftermath…
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!